13. Anything For Her

Jason

 

“Eric has agreed to meet us at the warehouse late tonight,” Cole informs us while we stand around the barbeque in Parker’s backyard.

I nod in acknowledgement.

“Man, I can’t believe you’re re-enlisting,” Parker slaps me on the shoulder handing me one of the beers between the fingers of his other hand.

“Never thought you would go back,” Mike comments while flipping the burgers on the barbeque. It’s November and about minus three degrees outside but in true Canadian fashion, we decided to fire up the barbeque instead of going out.

“Never thought I would be either,” I reply, bringing the beer bottle up to my lips.

“Especially after the whole Kat thing,” Mike mumbles, closing the lid on the barbeque.

That has me pausing. “What Kat thing?”

“You know, the whole pregnancy thing.”

Parker punches Mike on the arm and I sputter and choke on the beer I just drank.

“What the fuck was that for?” Mike looks at Parker.

“Way to go, Jackass. He didn’t know.”

Mike’s face falls when he finally turns to me and sees the shock that is clear across my face.

“Oh, shit man. I’m sorry.”

The fuck just happened. Kat’s pregnant.

“She’s pregnant?” I ask, putting voice to my thoughts.

Parker and Mike don’t say anything; they just stand there awkwardly holding their beers. A knowing look passes between them, then they’re trying to look anywhere but directly at me.

“What? What am I missing?” I’m tired of all this beating around the bush bullshit. One of them is going to tell me what I want to know.

Mike shifts his weight from one foot to the other and runs his hand through his hair before finally meeting my eyes. “We overheard the girls talking earlier. It’s yours.”

Mine? “What- “

It doesn’t take long for the memory of worshiping every inch of her skin to invade my head followed quickly by her telling me that what happened that night was a mistake.

Warmth spreads through my body at the thought of her possibly being pregnant with my child. If she is pregnant with my child, I will be the happiest fucking person on the planet. I still want more with her.

Fuck, I’d always want more with her.

My fists clench again with the realization that both Parker and Mike knew before I did. She could be pregnant with my child but it seems like I am the last one to know. That doesn’t sit well with me. She should’ve fucking told me, even if it turns out not to be my kid.

Her muted laugh breaks through the screen door and my head snaps in her general direction. I knew she would be here. Parker and Danielle wanted to throw me a good-bye party before I left for god knows how long.

When my feet turn in her direction, I don’t think twice about sliding open that screen door and walking up to her in the kitchen where she’s sitting and talking with Danielle and Alice.

When she sees, me coming a small smile appears on her face. “Hi, Jay.”

“We need to talk,” I incline my head down the hallway grabbing her hand and pulling her behind me down the hall and into the guest bedroom.

“What did you want to talk about?” She asks innocently when I drop her hand and walk half way to the other side of the room.

“You’re pregnant?” I turn to face her.

I can see the shock and uncertainty plain in her eyes and for a split-second I think she’s going to lie to me and deny it but she just drops her chin to her chest and nods.

“Is it mine?”

She bobs her head refusing to look at me. “There was no one else.” Her voice is so small that I have to strain to hear her.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Kat?”

Her head snaps up at the anger underlining my voice. “And say what, Jay? That I didn’t want to tell you and hold you back from rejoining your old team only to have you resent me for it later. Oh, and um, maybe because the last time I saw you it felt like you were walking away for good.”

“Shit, you still believe that I won’t come running every time you call. Fuck, Kat. I could never walk away from you for good. Don’t you get that by now?”

“Everything okay in here?” Danielle asks, poking her head in the room.

When Kat turns to her with a warm smile, Danielle gives me a warning look before she closes the door behind her.

What the fuck was that look for?

I walk right up to Kat and place my fingers under her chin, gently turning her head to me again.

“Baby, I could never resent you. I would gladly drop everything for you. I’ve already told you that I would choose you over everything. Why can’t you believe that?”

“Because it can’t be reality,” she whispers.

“Why?”

She curls her fingers around my arm holding her chin. “What you’re offering, Jay. It only happens in the movies. I’ve spent my whole life only seeing the worst in people. In myself. It’s hard not to when you’ve had it beaten into you, literally. So when someone like you says that they would always choose me, I can’t believe it cause it’s not possible.” She pushes on my arm and steps back causing my hand to fall away.

“Kat –” I go to reach for her again but she shakes her head and holds a hand up to stop me.

“I love you Jason. It took me a while to realize it, but I do. I love you. And not in the platonic sense of the word either. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with my best friend.”

“Kat, I- “

“Let me finish. Please,” she begs with tears swimming behind her eyes.

I bite my tongue and motion for her to continue.

“I’m in love with you, Jason. But I can’t give you all of me right now. I’m so broken and you deserve someone who is whole. It’s not fair to you to keep you on the back burner waiting for the day when I’m finally ready for you to love me back. I’m not going to ask you to stay, but I’m not going to tell you to go either because I’m fucking selfish.”

“You can be as much a part of our child’s life as you want. But I can’t be with you. I can’t give that piece of myself to you and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to. I’m going to take my father’s advice and try to love myself first.”

Well, the baby will be first, but I get what she’s saying.

I shake my head. “Kat.”

I want to tell her that I don’t care if she’s broken. I fell in love with her when she was broken and I’d gladly help her put the pieces of herself back together. I’d happily volunteer to show her how amazing she is and why I fell in love with her. But she doesn’t give me the opportunity when she slowly walks up to me. Placing her hands on my shoulders and standing on her tiptoes she places a soft kiss on my cheek. And then she’s the one who turns away and walks out the door.

I feel like our relationship has done a one-eighty. Before it was always me turning away and walking out the door of her apartment. I was the one who left her standing on the other side of the door. But now I am the one who is left standing, forced to watch as the other piece of me just walks away.

I understand where she is coming from. I understand her need to try and finally heal from the damage of her childhood and to love herself first. But learning to love herself first doesn’t mean she has to give up those who love her too.

And I’m not David. I am not about to make her a pawn in some game. She may not want me to stick around but I am going to fight for her. I am not giving up on the idea of us. I don’t care if it takes her five months or five years to be ready to give us a chance. I’m not going anywhere.

Running my hand through my hair.

I really need to get a haircut.

I scroll down to the number I’m looking for and hit dial. He isn’t going to like what I am about to do but he would understand that I have to do it.

“Smith,” his voice booms from the other end.

“It’s Jay.”

 

***

 

“Jason,” Mae greets me with a warm smile as she motions for me to come in.

“Hi, Mae,” I lean in, placing a kiss on her cheek.

A blush creeps up her face as she tries to smack me with the dish towel in her hands. “He’s in his office.” She tips her head down the hall.

Tipping my chin in a silent thank you, I make my way towards his office door as she goes back to the kitchen. The smells coming from that side of the house are making my mouth water and I’m slightly regretting that I won’t be staying for dinner after what I’m about to do.

“Come in,” Smith’s voice sounds from the other side of the door when I knock. “Jason,” he greets, standing up and holding out his hand for me to shake after I close the door behind me.

“Sir.”

After we shake hands, he eyes me for a second from behind eyes that look eerily similar to my emerald ones. There were countless times when I used to wish that this man was my father. He was often more of a father to me than my own. It wasn’t that I had a bad childhood; my dad was just never home long enough to have anything more than a business relationship with me. He was always working to provide for us.

“You’re not accepting my offer,” he guesses correctly.

My shoulders slump. “Look, Tyler. I appreciate the offer, and under any other circumstance I would’ve jumped at it…”

“She’s a lucky woman,” he interrupts me, a knowing look adorning his face.

“Sir?”

He chuckles. “Boy, I might be getting old but I’m certainly not going blind. I saw the way she looked at you when you brought her for dinner. And the way you looked at her.”

There’s a faraway look in his eyes and a small smile on his face as he slowly shakes his head. “I can’t say I blame you for not wanting to re-enlist. Mae’s about ready to have me home for good now too.”

“She’s pregnant,” I blurt out.

His lips lift in a smile as he stands to congratulate me and shake my hand again. But that smile fades when we sit back down and he sees my brows furrow.

“Whatever you’re thinking right now, Miller, stop.”

I let my eyes lazily draw up to meet his. The man sitting before me is no longer a friend but my CO. He levels a finger at me, staring me down. “The only thing your father did wrong was work too hard to make sure you and your mom were provided for.”

“I don’t want to follow in his footsteps, Tyler. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that it’s too late to get to know my kid because they hate me for never being around. And Kat…I can tell she’s afraid that she’ll end up just like her mother.”

“Jason, from what I saw that night at dinner, that woman could never harm a fly. Unless it threatens someone she loves. I can’t see her being anything like her mother. If anything, that kid will be spoiled with the two of you as parents,” he grins.

“Thank you, Sir.” I push my way out of my chair and towards his office door. Before I can turn the handle something nags at me. “You seem awfully calm for just being told that your only recommendation for your position is no longer an option,” I say, turning back to him.

Smith grins, leaning back in his chair. “I told you, Miller. I may be getting old but I’m not going blind. The minute I saw you with that girl I knew there was no way you were going to accept my offer. Your phone call and visit today just confirmed what I already knew. Drake will be taking over for me when I retire. You’ll always have a position on the team though, Miller.”

I laugh. “You were always one step ahead of us.”

I hear him chuckle behind me as I close his office door and make my way back to my car.

 

***

“You’re just not going to tell her that you didn’t get on the plane this morning?” Mike asks as we’re walking into the gym.

“Nope,” I respond, pulling open the glass door.

“What are your plans?” Parker asks, sitting down on the bench, switching his outdoor shoes for his gym ones.

“Porter hasn’t filled my spot on the team yet so I can come back.”

“And what about Kat?”

“I’m going to give her the time she needs but I plan on sending her money to help out with the baby.”

“So, what? You’re going to avoid her so she thinks you left?” Mike asks as we head to the locker room.

“No. I’m just not going to tell her that I didn’t leave.

The next time I see her will be on her terms. When she’s ready.” I step onto the treadmill and before I start my usual ten-kilometer warm up, I level a stare at Mike. “And don’t go telling her either. I’m serious, Mike. Next time she and I come face to face again it will be on her terms.”

Mike holds up his hands palms up before starting his own warm up run. “I won’t say anything.”

“Yeah, right,” Parker laughs from my other side.

“What?” Mike looks over at him.

“You sing like a canary whenever Alice smiles up at you.”

“Fuck you. Like you don’t do the same thing with Danielle.”

“All right, ladies, can we just get back to our regularly-scheduled work out?” I interrupt, increasing the speed on my treadmill.