Hold it together. God, just hold it together.

Lexi could hope, but she really wasn’t sure if she’d pull it off. What she knew for certain was that this was probably the worst idea she’d ever had. Nash had seemed hesitant with her offer to drop him off at the airport. He’d never bothered with a rental and now she wished he’d insisted, that he’d reverted to rude, surly Nash and just told her no, fuck no.

“Lexi, about last night…”

She looked around at the milling people and felt the warmth in her face, not to mention the wash of heat that hit her square in the stomach and arced down right between her legs to flesh still tender, swollen. Last night he’d been utterly focused on her, demanding, relentless and God help her, she’d loved every frenzied minute of it.

“It’s okay,” she choked.

“I got…kind of rough.” He looked away from her. “I—”

“It’s okay and I—yeah, anyway…” She coughed. “I liked it. A lot.”

He nodded, cleared his throat. “So. Thanks, okay?”

“For?” Yeah, this was probably going to be as awkward as hell. She tried to ignore the churning in her stomach and the burn at the back of her throat. “A few days of hot, mind-blowing sex? The pleasure was mine, believe me.”

She tried a smile, but was pretty sure she hadn’t been able to pull it off. Her voice didn’t exactly sound normal either.

He gave her a long look. “Yeah, that and—well, yeah…thanks.”

Even after the intimacies they’d shared, she still didn’t have a hope of knowing what he was thinking most of the time.

“When do you get leave again?”

Just like that a shutter came down over his features and she could have kicked herself. She knew he didn’t like to talk about what he did and she hadn’t meant to, not really, but she’d made it sound as if—

“Don’t know,” he ground out.

As if she’d been expecting something she knew he wasn’t offering.

“Lexi…”

“It’s okay, Nash. This is exactly how I knew it would play out. You were more than clear and I had my eyes wide open. Fun while it lasted, right?”

“Yeah. I—”

“It’s okay. Really.”

“I’m still sorry.”

Considering he wasn’t a guy who probably apologized much, the terse words sent a hot sting to the back of her throat.

“Me too.”

He took one long, last look before he turned and strode toward the security checkpoint.

God, he was going. He was really leaving.

She couldn’t help but appreciate the long stride, that sexy walk, even though it was taking him farther and farther away from her. Yeah, this had been a really, really dumb idea.

Lexi’s heart jumped when he stopped, his shoulders stiff, his whole body frozen as if a statue for an endless heartbeat. Then he turned and walked back to her, his dark gaze drilling into hers.

He dropped his duffel to the ground and yanked her to him, his hand warm and hard at the back of her neck.

“Christ, Lexi,” he groaned. “I’ve never involved anything but my body with a woman before. I’ve never wanted to. Until you.”

“I know,” she managed. She’d told herself this was casual, no-strings sex. Now she knew why she’d never had a one-night stand before. She wasn’t made for no-strings sex.

He slanted his mouth over hers. She expected hard and rough, but it quickly turned deep when his tongue touched hers. Long, drugging, dizzying kisses that had her reeling and unable to tell whether she was standing or not and had her clutching at his t-shirt for some kind of anchor.

He swiped a rough thumb across her lower lip as he pulled back, his breathing harsh, his dark eyes hot.

“I’m not permanent material, Lexi, okay?”

“So you say.”

“I’m not. Hell, I can’t guarantee I’ll even—”

“I get it. You couldn’t commit to being faithful. I—”

“No, I meant— God, I couldn’t even guarantee I’d make it back. My men and I? It’s covert. High risk, shitty odds, ‘you get caught no-one’s ever heard of you’ stuff. Missions that are…yeah, we go in knowing we might not make it back out.”

Lexi swallowed. It was hard to imagine such an in-your-face, vital guy being hurt, killed, just never being heard of again. God, it really wasn’t any of her business, but she couldn’t resist asking…

“Why?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I fight where I’m told. Don’t get me wrong, I fight to win, it’s just…usually iffy.”

“No, I mean, why do you do it? Something so dangerous?”

“I…”

She shouldn’t have asked him. It probably wasn’t fair. Without guys willing to do what he did, well… Just why did it have to be him? God, if anything did happen to him she’d never even know about it.

 

You’ll never amount to anything.

You’ll end up in jail.

You’re a menace to society.

How often had Nash heard that shit while he was growing up? It had come from everyone, so after awhile he’d started to believe it. Why fight destiny, right? It had taken a long time before he’d realized they hadn’t actually been far wrong.

“Like you I didn’t have a lot of options. Shitty home life and heading for serious trouble. Fighting was pretty much the only thing I was good at.”

The truth of it was he’d been on a downward spiral hanging with the wrong crowd, flirting with trouble and probably heading for a bad deal. Maybe an early death.

She licked her lips and the knowledge that she had to be tasting him gave a jolt, low down in his gut.

“Just—be careful, okay?” she whispered.

Huh. For the first time there was someone who might actually give a fuck if he died. It was an odd feeling to carry that responsibility. He shook his head. She might care—now—but give it a few months, hell, a lot of months and he’d be a distant memory. At least hopefully, he’d be a pleasant one.

He knew what she thought. That he was military and he’d done nothing to correct that assumption. It’d been accurate at one time and was close enough now. What did it really matter anyway?

“I don’t stick, Lexi. Not to places, not to people.”

“Probably more likely they don’t stick to you. Or you don’t let them.”

She gave him a last, long look before she turned away, but not before he saw what was in her eyes. He would have given anything not to have hurt her, but he’d gone and done it anyway.

Fuck it.

It hadn’t been enough, not nearly enough. Not the kiss and not all the times he’d had her under him, the times he’d been inside her. He should have been glad to get out of here, eager to be gone. He always got antsy when he was in the same place for too long, but not here, not this time. Not with Lexi.

He took a deep breath. At least he had some compensation. He’d taken care of Lexi’s “problem”. He flexed his hand, the stiffness in his knuckles a satisfying reminder that the shithead would never bother her again. He’d made sure of it. It hadn’t really been that difficult to figure out who the sick fuck was, not with his connections. He could leave knowing Lexi wouldn’t be bothered again. At least he’d been able to do that much for her.

She wasn’t fooling anyone but he considered it a guilt-fee exit all the same. He was free and clear to just walk away without a second thought. It was his M.O. after all, so why didn’t he feel relieved? She was letting him walk. No hysterics, no tears or begging, not that he would have expected any of that from her. So what was this burn deep in his gut?

“Holy shit, man. Are you for real? That’s the woman from the airport the day we got here.”

Nash’s head snapped around as Jake slapped him on the back. Daydreaming. He’d been fucking daydreaming, completely unaware of his surroundings.

So Jake had seen the kiss. And he’d recognized Lexi. Yeah, he shouldn’t have been surprised. The guy had exceptional observation skills, probably better than his own and had saved their asses on more than one occasion.

“Yeah.” Maybe Jake would let it drop.

“You were such a dick to her.”

No such luck.

“In fact, you were downright rude to her.” Jake shook his head. “Is there any chick you can’t bag, man?”

All of a sudden Nash had grabbed for him before he knew it. He didn’t even know what the fuck he planned to do.

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Nash snarled.

Jake put his hands out to the side while Nash held the front of Jake’s t-shirt in clenched fists. Jake was capable, more than, but he wasn’t going to fight back, regardless of what Nash would do and he was letting him know that more than words ever could. And all of a sudden Nash was disgusted with himself. They’d fought side by side, had each other’s backs, trusted each other implicitly. He was the one person Nash hadn’t ever been able to successfully push away, regardless of how hard he tried.

“Sorry, man,” Nash mumbled.

Jake whistled when Nash let him go and stepped back. “You kissed her. On the mouth and in a public place.”

“So?” Jesus, Jake couldn’t talk. He’d made a spectacle of his own the first day they’d arrived. “Just fucking drop it. Any talk about her, any comments at all about her are off-limits. Got it?”

Jake just held up his hands with a slow smile before he bent and picked up the duffel he’d dropped.

Nash clenched his jaw. Why the hell was he so angry anyway? What was this seething, churning burn he had? It was a building pressure he had no clue how to release, but deep down he knew. Lexi hadn’t been just another woman he’d hooked up with, some chick he’d picked up and fucked. In every way that counted she was different. God, she made him laugh for fuck’s sake and he’d had precious little to laugh about. He’d had great sex before, but nothing in the ballpark of what he’d experienced with Lexi. Man, the way she gave herself to him, so open and trusting…yeah, no one had ever done that for him before. She’d zeroed right in on what he liked and gave to him generously, as if it meant something to her too. The thought of her being with some other guy like that was like acid in his insides.

He pushed the thought aside. Didn’t matter. None of that mattered. Wasn’t his fucking business. He wasn’t entitled to any of those feelings and he shouldn’t feel guilty about anything. He had no reason to. He hadn’t misled her, he’d been completely honest. Despite what she’d said and how she’d acted, he knew. He’d hurt her. He would have done anything not to have hurt her, but he had, and that rubbed at him until he was raw like nothing ever had before.

 

*****

Lexi groaned when she got back to her complex and saw the Barbie twins. God, did they ever go anywhere alone? She hadn’t seen them since that time by the pool with Nash and so far she’d been successful in avoiding them since. She glanced around. This time there was nowhere to run.

“Hello, Lexi.”

“Lexi! Hi!”

She thought about ignoring them, she did, but while she might be a bitch and cutting and sarcastic when it suited her, it went against everything in her to be outright rude.

“Hi, ah…hi.”

God, how did they know her name and she didn’t have a clue about theirs?

“Where’s that sexy guy of yours?”

Right. Of course. They were interested in Nash. Great.

“Away,” she bit out. Yeah, like she was going to tell them he’d just left and she was never going to see him ever again, that he wasn’t hers, never had been and never would be.

“That’s too bad. He’s so hot. Where’d you get him?”

“Picked him up in a bar.”

Lexi hadn’t meant to just blurt it out, but they were looking at her as if she must have been paying him or something and she let it get the best of her.

There was a moment of silence until they both laughed. “That’s funny. You almost had me.”

Yeah, she was the life of the flippin’ party.

“You’re so lucky.” It was grudgingly offered by the slightly taller one.

“Yeah? How so?” Lexi was pretty sure what she was feeling at the moment was anything but “lucky”. Pain, loss, grief? Maybe. Lucky? That would be a big fat no.

“We saw him, you know, the day after the pool. He’d come back from a run, all sweaty and sexy. We tried our best, but he turned us down. Flat. He didn’t even want to stay and flirt or check us out or anything. I’m guessing he was in a hurry to get back to you.” She laughed, winked. “His shorts told us he had something else for you too. A nice guy who’s gorgeous and hung. So not fair. Tell me he’s a lousy lover, that he sucks in the sack. It might make us feel better.”

Huh. Nash had never mentioned anything about seeing them. And why would he? She felt warm and fuzzy, but it was little consolation now.

Lexi tried a smile, but was pretty sure it turned out sad and pathetic. “Sorry. No can do.”

They groaned. “Figures. That’s really, really not fair. You take care, okay?”

So okay, they’d tried their best to seduce away a guy they thought belonged to her, but maybe the Barbie twins weren’t that bad after all.

She closed her eyes tight when they were out of sight as if that could banish images that refused to go away. She didn’t want to think about him, hot and sweaty or any other way. Not now. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to think about what he was going to be doing and with whom either.

She was never going to see him again. Simple. Right? She just had to keep telling herself that. The problem was she wasn’t sure it was ever going to sink in. All she could hope for was to get to the point that he didn’t feature in her every waking thought. Or dream. Just most of them.

She took a deep breath and swallowed back the thickness in her throat that hadn’t disappeared since the airport. Well, wasn’t this just great? She put a hand low down against her twisting, churning stomach. It was probably her chest she should have gone for because her heart felt as if it were breaking and that it just might never stop. Ever.