Chapter Thirty-Three
My life is like a box of chocolates with bites out of each piece.
—Tensanne’s inner thoughts
Tensanne
“KOHL,” I MUTTER. Seeing those sea blue orbs, it all comes crashing back. The pain, the anguish, the humiliation. Everything the fairy locked away comes flourishing to the forefront of my brain, stealing my breath, filling my eyes with tears.
He steps toward me, I hold my hand up stopping his progression. My eyes on the ground, I force the emotion down, pasting my well-practiced faked smile in place. I smooth my skirt brushing off some invisible lint attempting to give myself a second to pull myself together. Crossing my arms across my chest to keep my insides from falling out I let my eyes meet his once again, “Hello, Kohl. How are you?”
Shoving his hands in his pocket’s eyeing me up and down his eyes heating, doing slow perusal that I feel in my soul, “Pretty good, now,” he replies, giving me that signature smile that melts panties.
Damn it, I will not let him get to me. I must get out of here, I need to get away.
“Great. Well, it was good to see you. Come on, Ron, we need to get going. We have that thing to get to,” I say, compelling her with my eyes to go along with my ruse.
“Oh, that thing. Well, Hun, that thing is standing right in front of you and it’s time you cleared the air,” she replies grabbing my hand and secretly slipping that little red potion bottle into it. Leaning in to kiss my cheek, she whispers “Use it. Get the closure you need.”
Gripping the bottle so tight I fear it may shatter, cursing my best friend in my mind, “Fine. Kohl, would you like to grab a cup of coffee?” I grit through a clenched jaw.
“I would love to,” he nods, giving me a wink.
Why, why does he still have to be perfect after all these years? Why can’t he have a huge beer gut and a balding head? Why can’t I will my body to forget what he feels like inside me? Why am I putting myself through this hell once again? I think while we walk silently to a coffee shop a few doors down.
Entering the little coffee café, I turn to him looking anywhere but at his eyes, “What do you want?” I snap.
“I’ll go order, Ten,” he replies.
“No,” I exclaim, still gripping the potion bottle in my hand. “I’ll get it, you go get us a seat,” I command, nodding my head to the lounge. He needs to walk away so I can dose his coffee to get the truth I need.
“Fine, I’ll take a vanilla chai,” he grumbles turning to find our seats.
At the counter, I place his order and mine. “Tensanne Craig? Do my eyes deceive me?” I hear from behind the counter.
Turning my eyes, Archer Boyd stands in front of me with his face lit up in a cheeky grin.
“Archer?” I squeal.
Coming around the counter, he embraces me in a hug. “I heard a rumor you were coming back to town. It’s great to see you.”
“What are you doing here, Archer? I just watched a movie with you in it on the Lifetime channel.”
“My dad’s not feeling so great and I had some time off; I told him I would fill in for a while,” he says giving me his megawatt actor smile. Archer had gone on to live his dream, I followed him in the magazines. He was married to a wonderful man, had adopted two children and had a great acting career.
“I would love to stay and chat, but Kohl is waiting for me,” I say when the barista places my order on the counter.
“Kohl, huh? Need me to supervise?” he broods.
Lifting the lid to Kohl’s chai I put several drops of the potion inside and give it a little stir.
Winking, “I think I have this one under control. But I’ll come back and maybe we can get all caught up?” I ask, giving him a hug.
Laughing, “Yes, definitely come back. I want to know all about what you put in that man’s coffee from that scary old bottle.”
Nodding in agreement I grab our order and find Kohl sitting at a table by the windows.
Placing our cups on the table, my anxiety goes through the roof when he takes his first sip.
“Do you know that elephants like to chew tobacco, love to drink beer, and are the only animals—other than us—that can be taught to stand on their heads?” I babble.
Laughing, he spews coffee on the table. “Still rattling off random facts when you’re nervous, huh?”
Frowning, “I haven’t done that for years,” I reply, angry at myself for reverting to that insecure little girl.
“You look amazing, Tennie Girl.”
“Don’t fucking call me that,” I seethe.
“Sorry, sorry,” he says with his hands up in surrender.
“Let’s cut to the chase, Kohl. Why did you fucking play me like that? What sick thrill did you get out of making the fat girl fall in love with you? Did you cohort with Chase Masters and decide to bring down the smart girl? Did you make a bet about who would be the one to fuck me?” I blurt out feeling my face flush and my blood boil.
“What? No,” he answers rubbing the back of his neck. “Did you read my letter, Ten?”
“Hell no, I didn’t read your letter. Why would I? I wasn’t interested in any more of your soul crushing lies. You got what you wanted. I left school.”
Leaning forward, he reaches for my hands. I pull them back, placing them in my lap.
I feel a breeze ruffle my hair, chimes ring in my ears and he glows briefly surrounded in a white light.
Slumping his shoulders, “I didn’t have anything to do with the video. I love you, Tensanne. I mean, I loved you,” he says back pedaling his words. “I made sure it was taken down but it wasn’t me who recorded it or posted it.”
I feel his words in my heart. A voice inside tells me he is speaking his truth. A small fissure has started inside me, cracking the vault that has held me together for all these years. My hatred for him has been the fuel that kept the fire going. If I believe the words he’s saying it means I threw away my soul mate all those years ago for something he didn’t do.
Silence falls between us I can’t help but stare into his eyes. His gaze pleading with me to believe him.
“Tensanne?” I hear from behind me. Kohl’s gaze turning cold when he glares at the source of my name over my shoulder.
“It is you,” Wren says standing beside the table.
“Wren? Wow, what are you doing here?” I ask. Glad for the break from the intensity weighing me down. Happy to see my old friend.
“I’m doing a college visit with my son. Wow, you are still stunning,” he replies. Glancing across the table, “Oh, hello, Kohl,” he sneers.
“Wren,” Kohl grumbles.
“So, you two ended up together after all, huh? I would have never thought you would have survived the whole video mess. Well, I hoped you wouldn’t; that’s why I posted it,” he says smugly.
One second is all it takes for your world to change, one second is all it takes for the words he said to register in our brains. Both our heads whip in his direction.
“You shared that video?” I scream while Kohl jumps from his chair and grabs ahold of Wren’s shirt, punching him in the face.
Grabbing Kohl’s arm before he can land another blow, “Stop,” I plead.
Holding my purse to my chest, “W-why? Why would you do that to me?” My mind is a whirlwind of questions, overloaded with emotions and rage is clawing its way up my spine staring into the cold face of my former best friend. The boy who had been my friend when no one else wanted to be, the boy who knew my pain, the boy I had given my virginity to is also the boy who destroyed the brief happiness I had lived in for a very short time. A life-altering happiness I gave up ever being able to find again.
Wiping the blood from his split lip with the back of his hand, “I thought you knew. I figured that was why I never heard from you again. After I visited you and you told me you would be in touch but never called, I thought you had figured it out. I wanted you for myself, Tensanne. I needed to get him out of the way. I was a little obsessed with you back then. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get you to let me in, to give me a chance. There was always someone standing in my way. Had I known he was leaving for the NBA, I would have waited,” he says snidely.
“You son of a bitch, you ruined everything,” Kohl growls diving in for another strike.
Wren’s holding his hands in front of his face to block the blow, “Stop. Stop, Kohl.” I scream grabbing his arm. Looking to my fingers on him, Kohl backs away. Allowing the fury of hate to fill my body I step up to Wren and slap him across the face.
“You’re a seriously sick bastard, Wren. You ruined my life. You took everything away from me. You risked my college education because you were petty and had a crush on me. You were supposed to be my friend, not some psycho idiot who stalked me. You created twenty years of heart ache and sadness. I didn’t want you. With or without Kohl, you never would have had me; everything you did was for nothing. You need to leave. Now. Before I let Kohl pummel you into the piece of trash that you are.”
His eyes on Kohl filled with fear, he runs out of the café.
“That stupid little cock sucker. He took everything,” Kohl rages pacing back and forth.
Rolling back my shoulders, standing straight, “What he did was wrong. Despicable. But it’s in the past. It’s done, it’s over,” I say pulling the shade back down over my emotions and fastening my wall back into place.
“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Tensanne. Please, please give us another chance,” he begs taking my hands in his. I feel the spark that was always there when he touched me zing up my arms and zap me right in the heart.
“I can’t go back, Kohl. I’m not that girl anymore; I never want to be her again. That insecure, afraid, needy girl died when I left JSU,” I say, leaving him before he sees my tears.
Furiously, I make my way out of the café. I stop in my tracks when my eyes meet the white eyes of Esmeralda. She nods her head and winks, then right before my eyes she’s gone. Chills run along my skin.
Safely tucked away in my room at Ronnie’s, I sit in shock that the answer was in front of me the entire time. I never thought to point the finger at Wren but now thinking back I see it all too clearly. The way he was always staring, the way he would get so angry at me, his persistence, the signs were always there.
Wiping the angry tears from my face, I pull the worn envelope out of my purse. I have rubbed the ink so many times my name is worn away from the yellowing paper.
Opening it, the first words fill my heart with a warmth I thought was lost long ago.
Tennie Girl-
My glorious, wonderful, Tennie Girl. I can’t breathe without you. My heart is frozen without you to help it beat. I know you are hurting. I feel your pain all through my bones. I want to kiss away your tears. I want to hold you in my arms and never let you go. I’ve lost my warmth without your body next to me.
That video took you away from me. I didn’t record you. I would never share you with anyone. I don’t know who destroyed us but I will not rest until I find out. You are my universe. Without you, I have lost my orbit. I’m free falling and I don’t know where I will land.
A pain sliced through me like someone was trying to cut my heart out with a knife. I don’t know where the pain came from. It’s so much more intense than the pain I’m already suffering but my heart is with you anyway. My world is shrouded in darkness without your light.
Someday, maybe you can return my heart to me. Someday, hopefully, you will see you are mine forever. You’re smart, beautiful, funny and my soul aches for your touch.
I’m leaving. I’m going to play for the NBA. I wanted to tell you in person, to let you know that no matter where I am or how far apart we are, we will always be together.
For now, I’ll leave you. But I will always be waiting. Find your way back to me. God, please find your way back to me. Open your wonderful eyes and see I could never hurt you. The words ‘I love you’ are not enough. I will stay in darkness until your light finds me again and makes me whole.
Yours for infinity,
Kohl
Sobbing uncontrollably, I can’t breathe. I’ve had his love this whole time, I’ve had the truth with me for years but I refused to open it. The small fissure that cracked open in my chest bursts open into a full emotional earthquake and my heart explodes with love. Not the love I feel for my kids. The love that has been cold since the day in my dorm. The love the magic was supposed to take away. The love that only belongs to one man. The man who owns my soul, the man that time couldn’t erase and the one who no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t keep locked away.