CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Preppy

“You picked a creepy-ass place for this shindig, Prep,” Bear grumbled. “Was the county morgue all booked up or something?”

“It’s not my fault your as unsentimental as you are a bad dresser,” I said, flicking my cigarette. “This place is sweet and utter perfection. Don’t be pissed at me because Thia made you adult today and wear a shirt.”

“Okay, girls, calm it down over there,” King said, his arm around Ray’s shoulders.

“Ti said you told her I HAD to wear one,” Bear spat, pulling on the sleeves of the dress shirt he had put on under his cut.

“You got played, motherfucka!” I sang in a high-pitched voice.

Thia gave Bear a knowing wave from where she stood over by the front gate. “This thing’s itchy as fuck, I’m taking it off,” he said, pulling off his cut to remove his shirt just as Thia came walking up to us.

“Too fucking late, Beary Boo Boo,” I teased.

“Fuck,” he groaned, shrugging his cut back in place. “It’s a good thing I’m your best man or this thing would be off already.”

“I thought I was your best man?” King asked.

I didn’t get a chance to tell them that neither of them were my best man because just then Thia passed Bear and came up to me instead. “Can I talk to you for a second?” she asked, her pinkish-red hair, which was usually unruly and sticking out in every direction, had been tamed into a pile of curls pinned to the top of her head.

“Uh, sure,” I responded, following her around to a quiet corner. “You know, I don’t think we’ve ever talked more than a handful of times,” I pointed out. “And I could use some new ammo against Bear every so often.”

“Talking would be nice,” Thia said. She reached into the pocket on her dress. “I wanted to give you something,” she handed me a folded piece of paper.

“Ti, I’m getting married today. It’s a little too late for love notes, don’t you think?” I asked, turning the paper over in my hand. Thia giggled and we both glanced over to Bear who was watching us with his arms crossed over his chest and a hard look on his face.

“Do you know how Grace was always hiding things?” Thia asked, rocking from her heels to her toes.

“Yeah,” I said. “I remember that anytime she needed cash she’d be digging something up or hunting in the back of the freezer. She’d have things taped to the backs of picture frames and cereal boxes.”

“Well, since we’ve moved into her house I’ve found a lot of things like that. A twenty-dollar bill here and there. A coupon for free entrance to the swap meet. A ledger to a bank account that no longer exists.” Thia pointed to the page I’d begun to unfold. Samuel was written across the top in familiar handwriting. “This was taped to a truss in the attic. I found it while I was cleaning it out. I thought that you might want it today, so you can have a piece of her with you.”

I glanced down at Grace’s handwriting, running my fingers over her words. “Thanks, Ti,” I said, not able to take my appreciation any further with words because I was amazed at what I was holding.

“I’ll leave you alone.” Thia turned away.

“No, please. Stay,” I said.

“I’m not gonna hold you while you cry,” Thia teased. “But I’ll stay.”

“Deal,” I said, turning my attention to Grace’s words, written in neat cursive.

My Dearest Samuel,

This might just be a crazy letter coming from an even crazier old woman, but I feel in my heart I have to write it anyway. You may never read this, but I can’t NOT write it.

In case you didn’t already know, you’re dead. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told by numerous individuals who all make me want to run them over with Edmond’s old truck. So that’s what I’ve believed all these months. That you’re gone. I believed it when I held your blood-stained shirt at the hospital. I believed it when we lowered your casket into the ground.

I’ve mourned you. Every single day I’ve mourned you, my dear boy.

But something is missing and at first I thought it was a normal feeling of loss. Loss of light that always surrounded you. The color in my life. But it’s more than that. A lot more.

Because when I get on my knees at night and pray, I close my eyes and pray I don’t feel like you’re on the other side like my Edmond.

I haven’t brought this up to anyone, and I know it’s impossible, but my hope is that this is all either a nightmare or I am indeed crazy.

If I am crazy then I wish to save sanity for those who want or need it more, because I don’t want to live in a world where I don’t have hope that you aren’t out there somewhere.

Heart beating, warm skin.

I have hope. And because I have hope, I still have you.

It’s the little things I miss about you. Like correcting you even though I loved every word that comes out of your smart mouth, even the bad ones. Even when I was scowling at you on the outside, my heart was always smiling on the inside. Because you, Samuel, are a rare one. Someone who is as smart as they are cunning. Ever since the day King brought you to the house, just a skinny wrinkled-shirt boy, I loved you.

I hope she does too.

And my hope is that when you do come back, you go to whoever it is I’ve seen the flashes of sadness for in your eyes, and you hold onto her and never ever let her go. You’re a good person my Samuel, even if you’ve never thought you were.

Come back to us and share your burdens with your brothers. With your family. Let them be there for you like you’ve always been there for us. Let HER be there for you.

Whoever she is.

You are hard headed. The most stubborn young man I’ve ever met in my entire life and that says a lot considering I know Abel and Brantley and I’ve lived a long life and have met many, many people. None as unique as you. None as flawed as you. None as passionate and wild and enthusiastic about life as you. There is NO substitute for Samuel Clearwater and there never will be.

Life is colorless without you.

I love you, son.

I miss you more than words.

If ANYONE on this planet could avoid death somehow, I know it’s you. So come back. Come back to your family. I may not be here when you get back, but I’ll be watching you turn the world bright again.

If I’m wrong. If you are there on the other side when I get there, just know that I’ll be angrier than you’ve ever seen me in your life so consider this your only warning to get a head start.

I love you, Samuel.

My son.

Always & Forever

In this life & the next,

Mama Grace

I didn’t say a word when I was done reading, I just wrapped Thia in a hug. She was right. Now in a way Grace was with me. I felt more complete now. More at ease with her not being there.

“You’re welcome,” she said into my chest. Bear was already stomping over to us. I released her and tucked the note into my pocket.

“You know, I never really got to thank you either. For taking Chop out. I feel like a bitch that I didn’t get a chance to do it myself or see it go down but I’m glad the fucker’s dead, so thank you,” I said.

“Eh, it was no biggie,” Thia replied. “Had to protect this brute over here.”

Bear reached us and draped an arm over Thia’s shoulders.

“You can’t seriously be jealous of a hug,” I said, rolling my eyes at Bear. “I mean, I’m not jealous when you talk to Dre and you’ve had your dick in her.”

Bear grimaced.

Oops.

Thia actually laughed. “I know, Preppy. Bear told me that he and her and you...I mean, it’s okay, I know. I’ve told Dre I know too, so there’s nothing weird between us. I really like her by the way.”

“You’re one cool chick, Ti,” I said. I patted my jacket where Grace’s note was tucked safely inside. “And besides, it’s not like the thing with Bear was a big deal anyway, it was only anal.”

“I have to go help Ray,” Thia said, still laughing and shaking her head. “I’ll leave you two alone to murder one another. After all, we’re in the perfect place for it.” She dashed off to meet Ray where she was waiting for Dre to arrive.

“You’re right, Prep. It was only anal,” Bear said and I wondered where he was going with this teasing tone in his voice. “Because when I look back and I picture it all in my mind, I mean I didn’t remember much at first, but now I can see every little...”

“Bear,” I cut him off. “If you so much as think of that night in your pretty little head, I’ll murder you in your sleep,” I warned.

Bear smiled and pulled me in for a hug, he slapped my back. “I would expect nothing less, Prep.”

“She’s here!” Ray shouted.

“But seriously,” Bear started as we went back and joined King. “Who is your best man? Kevin?”

Just then Bo came running through the cemetery wearing a matching light grey suit and light blue bow tie. He even had on a pair of brown suspenders and he was sporting a fresh hair cut. When he spotted me he changed direction, running straight to me until he leapt up and I caught him.

I turned back to my friends with my son in my arms. “He is.”

****

When the music started and the sound of “LIFER” by Florida Georgia Line started to play I stood on one side of the empty grave marked with my headstone and waited for Dre to appear. I knew she was about to walk around the wall, but nothing could have prepared me for the moment I saw her.

NOTHING.

She wasn’t just beautiful or stunning. She was walking art.

I coughed because suddenly I couldn’t fucking breathe.

Dre’s lips were usually painted bright red but as she walked down the aisle of gravestones I noticed they were a darker blood red and matched the rose in her hair, which was pinned low and loose to the side of her head at the nape of her neck.

Her ivory dress was strapless and heart shaped over the perfect swell of her tits. Short in the front, just above her knees, flaring out to a long gown in the back that dragged along the ground as she walked. There was lace at the top to give the illusion of sleeves but it was so light and delicate it looked as if it were floating on top of her creamy skin. She carried a bouquet of wildflowers and I chuckled when I saw the stems were tied together with one of my red bowties.

She smiled when our eyes locked and suddenly she wasn’t wearing her wedding dress. She was naked, skinny, and bruised like she was on top of the tower the day we met. Her stringy hair blowing around her face. Then it was her wearing Mirna’s pin-up style clothes for the first time. Then it was her on the night I proposed, tight black skirt and blue corset top. By the time she stood before me and linked her hands with mine she was wearing her gown again and I was stuck somewhere between so much love it hurts and so aroused it hurts.

“Fuckin’ eh, Doc,” I groaned, apparently out loud because the crowd around us laughed.

The reverend starting saying some words but I didn’t hear a single fucking one because I was firmly focused on Dre. The only thing I heard was my inner caveman chant. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.

Mine.

––––––––

Dre

Preppy wore a light grey suit with a light blue and yellow bow tie. It was perfectly fitted to his muscles and I couldn’t tear my eyes from him as I walked down the aisle. My stomach did flip-flops. I don’t remember walking fast or slow as my father guided me toward my husband. I just remember trying to get to him as fast as possible as he appraised me. A stunned yet appreciative look in his eyes that made me tingle all over.

As I made my way to him I thought I was seeing things. His image flashed from the scary version of him I met on the tower that first day, to the emaciated tortured soul with long hair and fresh scars. When I reached him he turned back into my husband in the tux, ready to make promises of forever. “Hey, Doc, what took you so long?”

“Don’t you mean what took US so long?” I asked.

When it came time to say our vows, Preppy surprised me by volunteering to go first.

“I was a boy when we met, someone who avoided and ran from everything in his life he didn’t want to deal with. In some ways I’m never going to grow up, but you made me want to be more. For you. For Bo. Now I’m a man who knows it’s time to stop running away and start running toward and I’m choosing to run to you, Doc. Forever.”

There were several sniffles in the crowd but I couldn’t look to see who was getting emotional because I couldn’t look away from Preppy. He rubbed his thumb over my hand and continued.

“I know this is where I’m supposed to make you promises and I’ll get to that part, but first I want to thank you for being here, for putting on that dress and walking down that aisle. For saying yes. To me. To Bo. To us as a family.” He took a deep breath. “I hate those vows where they make promises that sound ridiculous so I’m gonna tell you how I know things will go down and the truth is that I’m probably gonna fuck up. A lot. I won’t do it on purpose and I’ll never do anything to intentionally hurt you, but I’m flawed and I’m gonna fuck it up from time to time. I’m not a religious man, but I promise to never lose faith in you. Please don’t ever lose faith in me.”

“I won’t,” I mouthed, feeling my chest hurt with happiness.

“I may not be much, but I’m too selfish to let you go find someone who is good enough for you, although I doubt he exists because you’re good. So fucking good. I promise that I’m yours and yours alone. Body and whatever’s left of this tattered soul.” Preppy reached out and took my hands in his. “Remember a long time ago when I said we were the same? I didn’t really know what I meant back then, but I do now. We struggle. We overcome. We’re loyal. We love with everything we have and fight with everything and more. I’ll fight for you and Bo. Every fucking day with everything I have.”

Preppy wiped his eyes and then reached across to catch a tear on the corner of my eye.

“Andrea,” the reverend said.

I mentally tossed around the words I’d prepared, but had no idea how to get them out of my mouth. I took a deep breath and then focused on Preppy and his burning amber eyes. At the last second I mentally threw away my prepared words and decided to wing it, keeping it short and to the point. “I love you, Samuel Clearwater. I’ll love you forever and I’ll show you every single day how you’re not only perfect for me, but good enough for me, and I’ll try my best to be worthy of you. You not only saved my life, but you gave me a life. I am who I am because of you. I’ll love you now and forever. In life and in death, and especially in the in-between.”

Preppy sucked in a breath when he realized I’d used a line from the letter he’d written me. “Not even death do us part,” he whispered.

“Not even death do us part,” I repeated on a choked sob.

“Awe fuck, Doc,” Preppy said reaching around behind me and grabbing the back of my neck. He pulled me close and kissed me deeply. The crowd whistled and hooted us on much to the reverend’s dismay who literally had to put his hands between us to separate us.

“Just a minute, we’ve got to get to the part that makes this thing legit,” Preppy said, pulling back and clearing his throat. I leaned over to wipe my lipstick off the side of Preppy’s mouth. I was floating on another level of happiness when the reverend introduced us as “Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Clearwater.”

We both grabbed Bo’s hand and were about to walk back down the aisle when Kevin put two fingers in his mouth and made a loud whistling noise, silencing the crowd who turned their attentions on him. “Wait!” he shouted, stepping in front of us, blocking our exit. I squeezed Preppy’s hand tightly and in an instant my happiness turned to panic.

Kevin reached inside his jacket pocket. “This isn’t over yet.”

****

I was about to push Bo into the crowd for safety and lunge myself at Kevin when I realized what he pulled out of his jacket wasn’t a knife or gun, it was a handkerchief. He used it to wipe the beads of sweat from his forehead. “It’s fucking hot out here,” he muttered, tucking the scrap of fabric back into his pocket. He glanced down at Bo, giving him a wink. “Are you ready, kid?”

Bo gave him a thumbs up and the crowd parted to give us more room. Kevin brought Bo back to the front of the crowd. He produced a milk crate for Bo to stand on. “Whenever you’re ready,” Kevin said, taking a step back. Now Preppy and I were part of the onlookers and we both exchanged a confused look.

“What exactly do you have up your sleeve, kiddo?” Preppy asked.

Hold on. Bo signed. Preppy chuckled, keeping my hand tucked under his arm.

Bo looked to Kevin for encouragement. “You got this, buddy,” he said before turning to us. “He wanted to say something on your special day. He’s been practicing nonstop.”

Preppy and I both smiled and Bo took a deep breath. We were both expecting him to start signing his speech, but when he opened his mouth and started to speak, Preppy had to hold me up for support. I didn’t even feel us moving but before I could register putting one step in front of the other, Preppy and I were both standing directly in front of Bo.

“Happy wedding day, Mommy and Daddy. I love you.”

That was his entire speech, but I felt like he’d said so much with so few words. He’d barely finished when he leapt toward us and we’d wrapped him in a hug. “That was fucking amazing,” Preppy said. No one bothered to correct his swearing to Bo because he was right. Amazing by itself wouldn’t have done that moment justice.

It was fucking amazing.

After squeezing Bo until he squirmed uncomfortably, Preppy stood to address the crowd. “I realized that I almost forgot something. The entire reason why we are here. In this cemetery for our wedding.” He pointed down to the headstone. “This isn’t mine anymore.” That’s when I noticed for the first time the brown paper bag covering it. “But there is someone else who I thought should have it.” He glanced over at me. “Someone who should be remembered.” He pulled off the bag and I gasped. My heart stuck in my throat like I swallowed a boulder.

Preppy had the headstone changed out. It no longer read Samuel Clearwater.

I dropped to my knees and ran my fingers over the engraved letters in the smooth granite.

Baby Clearwater

Beloved Daughter & Sister

We’ll see you again,

in the in-between

I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at those beautiful letters honoring the daughter Preppy and I never got to meet, but it must have been a while because by the time I looked up, everyone was gone.

Everyone, except Preppy, who was kneeling next to me. “Where’s Bo?” I asked.

“Ray and King took him with them to their house to get the reception ready.”

“Thank you,” I said, allowing him to pull me up to a standing position. I shook the grass from my dress. “Thank you so much.”

“Don’t thank me. She needed a place and I didn’t. Consider it like a sublet type of thing,” Preppy said with a smile. “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

I shook my head. “It’s like a happy kind of sad, if that makes any sense.”

“It does,” Preppy said. There was no doubt he understood what I meant, because somehow he always did.

I sniffled. “I do love you, Samuel Clearwater.” I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“I love you, Andrea Clearwater,” he replied, covering my lips with his. When he pulled back, he threaded his fingers through mine, pulling me past the rows of headstones and through the gate that led to the road. Preppy wasn’t the only one with the surprises. I couldn’t wait to give him mine, but it would have to wait. We had a reception to attend.

We walked out of the front gate of the cemetery officially leaving death behind.

I placed my hand over my belly.

With only new life ahead.