Chapter Fifteen
“Is it our first time?” Brandon asked. His room seemed very empty and very quiet. Which was a good thing. Tonight was Risk night, so everyone in Phi Sig who wasn’t at the library was in the basement for the tournament. Gavin, who’d spotted Brandon and Alex heading up to the second floor, had loudly announced that he’d just crash on the basement couch after the game.
Alex looked up. He was sitting on the edge of Gavin’s bed, while Brandon sat on his own. “Well, yeah! I told you I haven’t done anything except what we did.”
“I mean, we did it before though. Right? Kind of?”
Alex tilted his head. “Oh. Oh! But we didn’t do it do it. Tonight we’re punching our V-cards!” He paused. “Aren’t we?”
The plastic pharmacy bag of condoms and lube sat between them on the floor. They ought to be in bed already, having monkey sex. But Brandon couldn’t shake his nerves. It had been a long day—a long weekend—and sharing all those fucking feelings had drained him. So had the effort of repeatedly reminding himself those feelings didn’t make him less of a man. He wished what was about to happen didn’t feel so much like an event. He didn’t want the pressure of having to make their “first time” special.
That night in Alex’s bed when they’d both come—that, for Brandon, had been the game changer. That was when he’d realized he trusted Alex completely. He didn’t know if anything they did tonight could equal that. Especially with Brandon leading things.
“First of all, you’re way too nerdy to pull off that phrase.” Brandon forced a smile. “I guess…I just don’t want you to get psyched for something really amazing when I might not even be any good at this.”
Alex’s expression was earnest. “But it’s gonna be fine. You want to do this, right? I mean… Do you not want to do it?”
“I do!” Brandon said quickly. “I just want to know that if it turns out I’m not cut out for this, we can do other things. And it will still…count.”
Maybe that was what confused Brandon the most about the whole coming-out thing. He’d assumed if he was gay, he’d know it, because he’d have fantasies about burying his cock in guys’ asses and fucking like porn stars. But he’d never felt that way. What he liked about being with Alex was the closeness—not any particular body part or activity. Which didn’t make sense either, since hadn’t Brandon just told Mark the other day that being close to someone freaked him out because it meant unexpected touching?
So what the hell did Brandon want?
Was there a way to enjoy closeness without always wanting to be touched? A way to be gay without loving anal sex?
“Of course it will still count!” Alex said. “You don’t have to be nervous or—or embarrassed or anything.”
Which was rich coming from the guy who’d become suddenly fascinated by a Halloween display when it came time to check out at the pharmacy, leaving Brandon to hand the condoms and lube to the cashier.
Brandon crossed to Gavin’s bed and sat. Leaned his head on Alex’s shoulder. “I feel like I already punched my V-card with you,” he said.
Alex cleared his throat and placed his head on Brandon’s. “You’re way too nerdy to pull off that phrase.”
Brandon snickered and tried to turn his head so he could kiss Alex’s cheek.
“But you’re right,” Alex said. “Hannah was just saying at the last GSA meeting that people should stop defining sex as, uh, one person sticking a penis inside another person. Except she put it a lot more colorfully. And said if virginity had anything to do with tearing a hymen then she lost her virginity to a bicycle seat at age ten.”
Brandon laughed, even though the thought sent a jolt of fear through him. If you didn’t define sex as a dick in a hole, if it included…other things, did that mean Brandon had lost his virginity to Mr. Fenimore?
No. Kay would say no. Alex would say no. Mark would threaten Brandon with the Prescott Cares emergency hotline for even having that thought.
Alex went on. “I just guess that since getting, um…having…like, sex with something—you—in me is the thing I’m most scared of—in a good way!—it’s also kind of how I think of losing my virginity. But this doesn’t have to be some kind of huge, like, virginity-relinquishing ceremony. We can just do it and see how we like it.”
Brandon laughed. “That sounds good.”
Alex jostled him. “So, nerd. Are you ready to quit analyzing everything and do dirty things to me?”
Brandon stood, tugging Alex by the belt loop. “Yeah, nerd. Let’s get off my roommate’s bed.” He pulled Alex to his feet, and Alex collapsed forward against Brandon and kissed him. Brandon let go, gave himself over. He ran a hand down Alex’s back and over his ass. He was going to get to touch Alex. Everywhere. The thought made his dick harden. Nerves and excitement collided, and he squeezed Alex’s ass while threading his other hand through his hair. Alex gave a tiny whimper into Brandon’s mouth.
They toppled onto Brandon’s bed and tried to keep kissing while they fumbled with their clothes. Somehow Brandon found himself lying on top of Alex, his thigh shoved between his legs. Alex ground up against him. Brandon could feel that he was hard too. The realization didn’t disgust him. It made him feel good to know he could cause that reaction in Alex. He tightened his grip in Alex’s hair.
“Oh.” Alex tilted his head back. Brandon found his pulse point with his mouth. Pressed his tongue against it, and felt it flutter wildly. “Oh! Wait wait wait!”
Brandon drew back, breathing heavily. “What?”
Alex’s eyes were wide. “I don’t want to come in my pants!”
Brandon knelt up. “You’d better take them off then.”
Alex lifted his hands to his belt, and Brandon saw they were shaking. He fumbled with the buckle, making a face when his fingers slipped. Brandon reached down and touched the buckle. Alex’s hands fell to his sides. He bit his lip as he stared up at Brandon. Brandon worked the tail of Alex’s belt through the buckle and pulled it free. Alex lifted his hips off the bed as Brandon tugged the belt off.
Brandon dropped the belt on the floor. Alex’s gaze followed it.
“You look nervous,” Brandon said, figuring he probably looked worse.
“I kind of need to pee. Sorry.” Alex climbed off the bed and bolted out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
Shit.
Brandon sat on the end of his bed and stared at the plastic bag from the pharmacy. What if it was all a waste? Not just the money he’d spent at the pharmacy, but all the time he’d spent with Alex, and with Kay at Prescott Cares, and working up the courage to tell his dad. What if it was all for nothing because Alex was spooked and wasn’t coming back?
Brandon got up and crossed to his desk. Picked up his Protoceratops.
Maybe they should have stuck to playing dinosaurs.
The door squeaked open again. “Hey.” Alex looked flushed. He toed his sneakers off. “Did I kill the mood?”
“You came back,” Brandon said.
“Of course I did!” Alex’s face fell. “Omigod! You thought I’d run away?”
“No! I—um, maybe?”
Alex stepped toward him. Snatched the Protoceratops out of his hand and tossed it onto the desk. “I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to do this. I’m not running.” His expression softened. “But if you’re not ready, that’s okay too. I don’t want to pressure you. I really don’t mind if we snuggle like fuzzy kittens.”
Brandon cupped Alex’s face in his palms. “I’m not scared of this. Well, I’m scared of messing it up, but I want it too.”
“We’ll probably both mess it up,” Alex whispered.
“Yeah.” Brandon slipped his hands down Alex’s slim chest. Found the waistband of his jeans and popped the button on his fly. Alex sucked in a surprised breath. His skin was hot and smooth under Brandon’s fingertips. Brandon tugged the zipper down. Brandon’s knuckles grazed the fabric of Alex’s boxer briefs, and his growing erection.
“Oh.” Alex suddenly squeezed his eyes shut.
Brandon leaned in and kissed him softly. “Can I?”
“Mmmm. Yes.”
Brandon pushed Alex’s jeans down. His heart thumping, he cupped the erection straining against Alex’s boxer briefs. His own erection was starting to ache. “Oh, God. Alex.”
Alex opened his eyes. He reached down and pulled his T-shirt over his head, wriggling when he got stuck. Then, dropping his shirt on the floor, he hooked his thumbs into the elastic of his underwear and pushed them down. Brandon stared down at his scruffy hair, at the curve of his back, at his muscles shifting under his smooth skin, and then Alex was standing upright again, his jeans and underwear kicked off, his hands hovering uncertainly in front of his dick.
“Now you,” Alex said.
Brandon nodded. His fingers shook as he divested himself of his clothes, piece by piece. Shoes first, then socks, just like he was getting ready for bed. Then his shirt joined Alex’s on the floor. Then jeans, and then his underwear, and suddenly he was standing naked in front of Alex, and it was excruciatingly embarrassing, and Brandon wasn’t the only one feeling it.
They stood, gazes locked, both too scared to look down. Brandon could hear the clock ticking on his bedside shelf. He drew a deep breath and stepped forward into Alex’s embrace.
Closer, it was easier. He wasn’t on display then. He wasn’t being stared at. Closer, he could concentrate on touching Alex, on exploring him, and tasting his skin. They kissed again, more deeply this time, and Alex stepped backward, pulling Brandon toward the bed.
Making out on a bed. They knew how to do that. Okay, so this time they weren’t wearing any clothes, and their dicks were rubbing together, leaving damp trails, but Brandon was comfortable enough kissing and embracing Alex that the sudden introduction of uncovered dicks didn’t freak him out. They rocked against each other, the rhythm simulating the act they were working toward. Somehow Alex maneuvered himself underneath Brandon, and Brandon found himself lying in the cradle of Alex’s thighs, his erection against Alex’s.
“Get the—” Alex was breathless. “Get the condom on, please.”
Brandon knelt up. He fumbled with the box of condoms. Dropped the first one. Tore the second one. Somehow managed to roll the third one on.
Meanwhile Alex was squirting lube on his fingers, and reaching down to try to ready himself.
“Have you done this before?” Brandon asked, watching Alex’s fingers smear lube around his hole. His dick jerked. “Like, um, with anything?”
Alex shook his head. “No.”
Brandon reached over him and grabbed the lube. “Let me, okay?”
He squirted some lube on his fingers, still feeling too much all at once—anxious, eager, feverish, uncertain. Alex had moved his hand, and Brandon tried to get his fingers to Alex’s hole without looking right at it. Smeared lube all over Alex’s ass cheek, then jerked back a little when his fingers actually brushed Alex’s crack. Finally he looked down. Nothing too terrifying. Just Alex’s asshole, which was only weird because Brandon usually saw Alex with his clothes on, but now Alex was naked—oh, God, Alex was naked—and that was fine, more than fine; still, Brandon had never had any part of his body inside someone before…
He brushed the lube tentatively around Alex’s hole. Watched Alex’s ass flex. He pushed his fingertip against the opening. It yielded slightly, then tensed. Brandon held his breath and pushed a little harder.
Alex started laughing.
Brandon was too startled at first to do anything. And Alex kept giggling. “What?” Brandon asked.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” Alex shook helplessly. “I’m just nervous.” He pressed his lips together, but a low hum still escaped.
“Am I doing it wrong?” Jesus, Brandon was nervous too, but he wasn’t laughing about it.
Alex tipped back his head and cackled. “How would I know?”
Brandon smiled in spite of himself and slapped Alex’s shoulder. “You jerk! You’re making me self-conscious.”
“Sorryyyyy.” Alex clapped a hand over his mouth for a moment. “You just looked so intense. Like you were assembling really complicated furniture or something.”
“Now you’ve killed the mood.”
“No, no. I’m sorry.” Alex got himself under control. Stared into Brandon’s eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Nothing, Brandon wanted to say. Perfect. You. You’re perfect.
He snickered. “We’re really bad at this.”
“No! This is just the warm-up. We’ll be awesome in the final round.” Alex tapped his arm. “Go on. I’m ready now. Look. I’m real serious.” He made what Brandon supposed was meant to be a serious face. They held each other’s gaze for a moment, then both dissolved into laughter.
Brandon lowered himself on top of Alex and kissed him, reaching between them with his lubed hand to make a fist around Alex’s dick. They both stopped laughing as Alex’s breathing became ragged. He hooked his legs around Brandon. His eyes were hazy, lids half-lowered. His lips parted, and he gazed at Brandon with such want that Brandon’s breath caught.
He looked at Alex. Really looked, without nerves spurring him to rush through this. He paid attention to each dip and swell of Alex’s body. The rise and fall of his chest, the curve of his dick over his belly. Splayed on the bed like this, gasping softly at Brandon’s touch, Alex didn’t look like a klutzy hipster-nerd. He looked…
Beautiful.
Suddenly Brandon knew he could do this. He didn’t have to be afraid or embarrassed or anything.
What Alex wanted? Brandon could give him that.
He could give them both what they wanted.
He moved his fingertips down to Alex’s balls. They were tight, heavy. The skin soft, sparsely haired.
Alex closed his eyes and whispered, “Brandon.” His lips quivered just a little on the word, and Brandon smiled. Carefully, trying not to spoil the moment, he reached for the lube and put more on his fingers. They’d forgotten Mark’s suggestion to put down a towel, but oh well. The sheets were already stained dark with lube in places.
Brandon sat up. Moved his fingers across Alex’s balls again and onto the skin behind them. Alex tightened his legs around him. Reached up and touched Brandon’s arm. Came so fucking close to touching under his arm, and Brandon wanted him to do that, but had no idea how to ask.
Fuck it. He shifted so Alex’s fingers grazed his underarm. Felt a shiver go through him and let out a tentative sigh. Alex touched him there again. “Yes,” Brandon whispered, not caring how stupid he sounded.
“That’s good?”
Brandon nodded.
Alex kept doing it. Brandon stayed still and let the almost-tickling sensation build, until his thighs trembled and he had to pull away. He placed his free hand on Alex’s chest as he slid the tip of one finger inside him.
Alex immediately clenched. “Oh, God.”
“That’s not even a whole finger.” Brandon stroked Alex’s chest.
“I know.” Alex arched. “But I think I’m gonna come.”
Brandon slowly pushed the rest of his finger in. “Wait for me,” he said, so quietly he wasn’t sure Alex heard him. But Alex nodded. Tipped his head back and squeezed his eyes shut as Brandon moved inside him. It was a weird sensation, Alex’s muscles around his finger. The heat and slickness. He thrust in and out, slowly at first, then faster until Alex dug his heels into his back.
“Please. Please, wait. I’m not going to be able to… I’m gonna ruin it.”
Brandon stopped. He didn’t dare touch Alex’s dick, but he moved his other hand up to Alex’s face and stroked his jaw with the backs of his fingers. Alex turned his head and kissed Brandon’s hand. Drew Brandon’s finger into his mouth. Sucked hard.
Brandon felt that in his balls. He’d already filled the top of the condom with wet stuff and wondered if it was normal to have that much leaking out of him when he hadn’t even come yet. He took a sharp breath as Alex kept sucking, and gradually resumed working his finger in and out of Alex’s ass. He added another finger, because it seemed like kind of a leap to go from one finger to a dick—not that Brandon was huge or anything, but still. Alex’s legs started trembling, and he whispered. “Go for it. Now. You have to, or I’m not gonna make it.”
Brandon withdrew his fingers. The lube was lying uncapped by his knee, so he put his hand in front of the opening and used his knee to squeeze more on. He slathered it on his dick. Alex shifted under him and placed his hands on Brandon’s hips. Rubbed Brandon’s hip bones with his thumbs and continued to suck on his finger. Brandon adjusted his position, gripped his cock, and tried to line it up with Alex’s hole. Started to push in, then slid up Alex’s crack. “Sorry.”
He tried again and got the head of his dick inside before he had to stop, because now he was in danger of coming.
This was either the hottest thing Brandon had ever done, or a complete three-ring circus.
Alex released Brandon’s finger. He still had his eyes shut tight.
“Okay?” Brandon asked.
Alex nodded and whimpered as Brandon pushed a little farther in. He let his breath out in a rush. Brandon couldn’t tell if his face was screwed up in ecstasy or pain.
“Okay, okay, okay.” Alex squirmed. “Oh, God. Is it in yet?”
Brandon laughed. “Isn’t that, like, the one question guys really don’t want to hear during sex?”
Alex let out a breathless giggle. “Sorry.”
Brandon glanced down. “It’s not in all the way. Do you want to keep going?”
Nothing. Then a small nod. “Uh-huh.”
“You sure?”
Another pause. “I can’t tell whether I have to go to the bathroom or not.”
Brandon traced Alex’s cheekbone with his thumb. They’d get better at making this sexy. They would. Someday. “Do you need me to let you up?”
“No! No, just…just go for it.” Alex clenched his jaw for a moment. “Omigod, I didn’t think this would feel so much like being tortured but also awesome.”
“Alex! Do you like it or not?”
“I do! I think. How will I know unless you keep going?”
Brandon shook his head and pushed again. Alex groaned, and then suddenly Brandon felt some of the tension ease. He slid the rest of the way in, his thighs colliding with Alex’s ass.
“Omigod.” Alex opened his eyes.
“Oh, my God.”
“We’re doing it.”
“We’re, like, the best at it.”
Brandon’s legs quivered with the effort of not coming. “I don’t know if I would say the best.”
“Shut up. We’re awesome.”
“Ready?”
“Okay, but don’t move for a second because it’s burning back there.”
“I think it’s supposed to,” Brandon said. “At first.”
“But I should call my doctor if the burning sensation continues?”
“We could call Mark.”
Alex snickered. “Don’t you dare.” He rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. “Okay. It’s fine now. Just slow, okay?”
“Of course.” Brandon pushed Alex’s hair back from his sweaty forehead. “Anything you want.”
Just, you might want to ask in the next thirty seconds or so, because…
Because right now everything for Brandon was just heat. Pressure around his dick. Alex’s brown eyes and dark lashes. Feeling safe and feeling wild. And completely unafraid.
He moved his hips back cautiously. Then forward. Moaned without meaning to. This felt so. Fucking. Good. He wondered how many times a day they could do this. Found himself trying to work it out between his and Alex’s class schedules, and this distracted him enough that he was able to manage a couple more thrusts before suddenly—fuck—he was coming; nothing he could do about it. Except…
As he went over the edge, he grabbed Alex’s dick and stroked it. Alex pumped his hips, the bed squeaked, and then cum hit Alex’s stomach and dribbled down Brandon’s fist.
Brandon stared down at Alex for a moment. Alex stared up at him. Brandon pulled out and lowered himself over Alex, arms trembling. He was breathing like a creeper but didn’t care. Alex hooked his arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. They made out clumsily and rubbed their hips together, even though it actually kind of hurt Brandon now to have any friction on his cock.
Brandon broke the kiss. “I like you,” he said, and then dived back into it.
Alex broke it next. “I like you too.”
Then, as if on cue, they both collapsed. Brandon rolled off Alex, and they lay side by side, staring at the ceiling.
“Sorry I—” Brandon said finally.
“No, no,” Alex interrupted. “It was good.”
Brandon glanced over at him. “Isn’t it supposed to feel good for you, like—inside? Don’t you have a prostate I’m supposed to hit?”
Alex laughed. “Brandon! Why are you critiquing us already? We’ll figure it out next time.”
Us. The word felt strangely, relentlessly wonderful.
Also: next time.
“I do have to go to the bathroom now,” Alex said after a while.
Brandon snorted. “What’s stopping you?”
“I don’t want to move.”
Brandon rolled suddenly and caught Alex in a bear hug. Alex mmmphed against Brandon’s chest, his breath warm. Brandon slid his hand down Alex’s damp back and over his ass. Squeezed. He felt Alex’s teeth on his skin and sucked his chest in. “Are you biting me?”
Alex kept gnawing, and Brandon swatted his ass. “Go to the bathroom, you beast!”
“Owww-uh.” Alex rolled away and dragged Brandon’s comforter over his head. “You’re mean!” came his muffled voice.
Brandon ripped the comforter off. “I’m not.” He snuggled against Alex’s back, pushing his arms under Alex’s. He closed his eyes, feeling the goofy smile on his face. “See? I’m nice.”
Alex crooked his arms around Brandon’s. Rubbed Brandon’s knuckles with his thumb. Brandon tossed a leg over Alex’s hip and tugged the comforter over both of them. Sighed and kissed the slight bump of Alex’s spine.
After a minute, Alex turned to face him, and they kissed again. Then Brandon tucked his head under Alex’s chin and Alex put his arms around him, and Brandon didn’t mind at all. This was good. This was safe.
This was Alex.
A few lazy moments passed where Brandon wasn’t sure whether he was dozing. Then Alex murmured, “Okay. Seriously going to the bathroom now.”
“Noooo.” Brandon held Alex tighter.
“Unless you can’t stand to spend even a minute without me.”
Brandon smiled and shook his head vehemently, eyes still closed.
Alex kissed the top of his head. “I’ll be right back,” he whispered.
“Alex.” Brandon stretched as Alex climbed out of bed.
“Yeah?” Alex pulled his underwear on.
“What do I do with my condom?”
“Um, take it off.”
“But then what?” Brandon stripped the condom from his flaccid dick. “It’s got a lot of stuff in it.”
“Tie it shut. Like a balloon.”
Brandon snickered and fumbled to tie it off. “Will you take it to the bathroom for me?” He looked up pleadingly and held it out. “And throw it away?”
Alex gave a mock sigh. “Am I your servant?”
Brandon grinned and nodded.
“Okay. But when I get back, you have to snuggle me just the way you were doing. Like a fuzzy goddamn kitten.”
“Promise.”
Alex took the condom. “It’s kind of gross that this has been in my ass.”
“Your ass is not gross. Believe me.”
Alex shrugged but looked pleased.
Brandon scooted forward. “Also, could you get me one of the antibacterial wipes from the hall closet? Deacon’s got a big stash for when his mom comes to visit.”
Alex narrowed his eyes. “What do you need one for?”
“Uh, to wipe my hands. They’re all lube-y and stuff.”
“And they have my ass on them. Which you just said wasn’t gross.”
“Your ass isn’t gross. But it does smell like ass.”
Alex laughed and turned, then stepped back until his ass was in Brandon’s face. “This smells like ass? Really? This?”
Brandon leaned forward and bit it, but mostly got a mouthful of boxer briefs. Alex’s legs hit the back of the bed and he collapsed onto the mattress on top of Brandon.
“Ow! Omigod.”
“See how it’s rude to bite people?” Brandon demanded, biting Alex’s ear.
“Sto-o-op! The condom’s on the floor.”
Alex struggled up. Brandon sank back and said, soberly, “I wish you didn’t have to go to the bathroom.”
“Me too. But I’ll come back.” Alex turned dramatically to face Brandon. “Do you hear me? I’ll come back for you. Wait for me.”
Brandon put on his best Southern accent. Which was pretty bad. “But how will Ah manage with four children and the dog to feed while you’re away at the bathroom?”
Alex pretended to adjust a hat brim. “You’ll manage, Delilah. You’ve got to be strong now. For both of us.”
Brandon flopped back on the bed. “We’re so weird.”
“I know,” Alex said. “Okay, for real, I’ll be right back.”
He picked the condom off the floor and left the room. Brandon listened to his footsteps go down the hall. When Alex came back, Brandon cleaned off with the wipe, and they straightened the sheets. Then they curled up again and snuggled.
Like fuzzy goddamn kittens.