ALEXIS
2012
St. Peter’s hospital looms over the city, the building a crouched, disapproving sentinel blaring light and sound into the night. Fog blossoms on my breath. Curled around my takeaway coffee, my hands are finally beginning to thaw out. I’m listening to Led Zeppelin on my busted iPod with the cracked screen, watching people stream in and out of the hospital, and imagining their stories. Filling in the blanks from the expressions on their faces.
Broken leg.
Chest pain.
Only one more shift before the weekend, thank god.
New baby.
Lost loved one.
It never ceases to amaze me how a person’s face alone can convey so much of what they’re feeling, especially when they don’t know they’re being watched. I’ve seen the whole world crumble and be reborn at least five times before the cell phone, in the pocket of my thick Parka, rumbles against my stomach. It’s my dad.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Are you still on the bus?”
I smile. I smile because the old man is clueless. “No, I’m outside. I’ve been waiting for you for half an hour.”
He groans. In my mind I can see him pressing his fingertips into the creases of his brow, trying to figure out the problem he’s presented with. Because there’s a problem. There’s always a problem. “Ah, okay. All right, I’ll be out in a moment. A little girl just came in. She was in a car accident. Her whole leg’s shattered. They asked if I could stay behind and monitor her while they operate, but I’ll just tell them to—”
“Dad?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“It’s fine. I can catch a bus back to your place. It’s not a big deal.” This is not the first time I’ve said these words, nor will it be the last. Since I decided to stay in Seattle and go to college here, it’s been tradition to go back home every Sunday to hang out with my parents. They’re big on church, big on Jesus. They like it when I spend Sunday nights with them. Most of the time, Dad’s working, though, and Sloane, my older sister, is following in Dad’s footsteps, training to be a doctor, so she’s hardly around either. Usually it’s just Mom and me, and I’m used to that. Used to the endless cups of tea and church gossip. Used to doing the dishes after dinner and sitting in comfortable silence while we watch whatever inane reality TV show Mom’s hooked on at the time.
“You’re sure you don’t mind?” Dad asks. This is a script both of us have repeated countless times; we barely need to think before the words slip out of our mouths.
“I’m sure, Dad. It’s okay. Go and anesthetize the crap out of that kid.”
Dad tuts—is crap a curse word? Dr. Alan Romera sure thinks it is, but then again, the old man thinks shoot is a curse word. His disapproval is, as always, mild and affectionate, though. “Love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you when I get home. Tell your mother not to put dinner in the oven for me, okay? I’ll heat it up when I get back.”
No dinner in the oven means he won’t be back until well after midnight. I tell him I love him too and hang up the call. My role as voyeur is at an end. I drain the remnants of my coffee, shove my ear buds back into my ears, and begin the long walk across downtown Seattle to the bus depot. It’s not often that snow sticks here since it’s so wet. I feel like a little kid again as I trudge through the four-inch covering that carpets the sidewalk, tucking my face into my jacket, trying to keep warm as I listen to Robert Plant sing about letting the sun beat down upon his face. I pass a homeless guy hunkered over in a shop doorway, the only person out on the streets in this frigid weather.
I come from a family where giving is second nature. The ten-dollar bill I pass to the man vanishes quickly into the many folds of jackets and shirts he’s wearing as protection against the cold, his quick, distanced eyes blinking thanks at me as I hurry down the street. I’m almost halfway to the depot when I can no longer hear Robert Plant singing anymore, and the ground feels like it’s shaking apart beneath my feet. A convoy of motorcycles sweep down the street, engines snarling, drowning out all other sound. You don’t get many packs of motorcycles traveling through the city. The sight is bizarre enough that I stop and watch them pass, until the very last of them disappear around a right-hand turn at the intersection behind me. They’re gone from sight, but the sound of their rides echoes off the tall buildings for at least another twenty seconds.
Dad calls men who ride motorcycles temporary citizens. He’s seen so many fatalities over the years, so many decapitated heads still inside crushed helmets. He swears blind if he ever catches me on the back of one of the things he’ll ground me for life. The patients he’s dealt with in the past are usually riders of sports bikes, though, aerodynamic things designed for going way too fast. The men who just passed me—at least twenty of them—were on machines constructed from polished chrome and exposed engines, handlebars way too high, exhausts way too fat. Society tells me they are criminals. Perhaps they are.
I carry on toward the bus depot, my iPod shuffling through songs. The streets are clear by the time I find myself closing in on my destination. Everyone’s playing it smart tonight, already inside, enjoying the warmth and a hot meal. That’s exactly where I’ll be soon, and I cannot wait. I’m getting ready to cross over the street when a tall man with silvered hair staggers out of the darkened side alley beside me.
I don’t hear him—the music blocks out any sound he makes—and the sight of him suddenly emerging from nowhere has me jumping out of my skin. My heart slams against my ribcage, adrenalin fires through me. There’s blood in the snow. He’s bleeding. I tear the headphones out of my ears, and then he’s lurching toward me, one hand outstretched.
“Help…please help…me,” he gasps.
I skitter away from him, clutching my hands to my chest. It’s a natural reaction most people would have, I think. A terrifying old man, dressed in a torn great coat, and covered head to toe in blood comes flying at you from out of nowhere, and your first instinct is to run. Not people like my father or my sister, of course; they would run straight toward someone like that. It takes a heartbeat to get myself together before I realize this guy needs me to be like my dad. Or like Sloane.
“What…what happened?” I hurry forward, unravelling the scarf from around my neck, preparing to use it to staunch the bleeding, wherever it’s coming from.
The old man’s eyes grow round. Suddenly he’s not staggering toward me anymore; he’s backing away. “No…” His voice comes out in a ragged, wet rasp. “No!” The look on his face is sheer terror. And he’s staring at something behind me.
I’ve seen enough films to know what comes next. The hand that clamps over my mouth. The iron grip of the arm that wraps around me, pinning my arms to my sides. The weightless, stomach-churning sensation of being lifted off the floor by someone much bigger and much stronger than me.
I try to scream. Pain rips down my throat, but I barely make a sound. The hand covering my mouth captures my cry and shoves it back inside me, effectively putting me on mute. My heart’s racing. I can’t…I can’t see properly. Black spots dance in my vision. I’ve never been good with small spaces, and being trapped inside this person’s arms is a very small fucking space. I react. I’d like to say I remember the training I received from the on-campus security team, showing us how to protect ourselves when out walking alone late at night, but that’s not what this is. This is the panicked flailing of a twenty-one-year-old girl gripped in the deepest throes of fear.
I bite down on the hand and taste blood. A loud hiss from the man behind me lets me know I’ve caused him some discomfort, but the bastard doesn’t let go. My feet are still off the ground. I lash out, kicking backward. My heels hit shinbone and strong muscle, but the grip around me doesn’t falter.
“What the fuck you doing with that bitch, hijo?” a voice demands. The accent is strong and thick. “Get her off the fucking street.”
I’ve been too terrified to take in much, but now I see the bloody man, on his knees, staring off up the street. He looks devastated, like he knows this is the end. His abject hopelessness hits me like a wave; this man, whoever he is, knows he is alone right now and no one is coming to his rescue. Which means no one is coming to my rescue, either.
He looks up at me, his mouth hanging open, and shakes his head. “I’m sorry,” he tells me. I try screaming again, with just as much luck. My captor tightens his hold on me and then we’re moving, heading into the darkness of the side alley. Fuck. I know it instinctively: if I disappear into the darkness of this alleyway, I will never be seen again. And pinned to this stranger, struggling with every last ounce of strength I possess, there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I see the face of another man, a Hispanic guy with a shaved head and a spider tattoo underneath his right eye, as he moves forward and grabs hold of the bloody old man under one arm. He spits on the old man, takes hold of him, and drags him behind us into the alleyway.
Dumpsters, trash, broken wooden crates; there’s nothing back here to indicate someone is going to come along at any moment and save us. The sound of footfall—many pairs of boots—rings off the walls on either side. We reach the iron railings of a tall gate in the middle of the alleyway, dividing it into two, and this is where my captor stops. He spins us around, and for the first time I see exactly just how much trouble I’m in.
Seven men, all with guns drawn, stare back at me. The same cold, indifferent look marks most of their faces; only one man wears a different expression—the guy who dragged the old man behind us. His victim is laying face down on the concrete, shoulders shaking, and now he has turned his attention to me. And he looks…excited.
My stomach drops through the floor.
He’s wearing a black Parka with grey fur trim, which strikes me as odd fashion sense for someone of his…standing. It’s also strange that I should be thinking things like this when he’s stalking toward me and sticking his face into mine. Regardless of his fashion sense, I know with certainty I’m looking into the eyes of a killer.
“You scream…and I’ll cut your tongue out with this.” He draws a narrow, six-inch knife from the pocket of his jeans, sharp and cruel-looking, and I know he’s being very, very serious. “You hear me?”
I can’t tell him yes. I can’t even nod. I’m far too scared to have any sort of control over my body. Instead, I manage to blink at him. The Hispanic guy accepts this and nods to his friend. “Uncover her mouth so she can speak, fuckhead.”
The hand lets go of my face, though the arm around my chest doesn’t loosen any. “You know this old guy, puta?” Spider asks.
I shake my head straight away. I don’t want to give him any reason to get angry. His boys all look bored, but this guy…this guy looks like he could get riled up, and easily.
“Let the girl go. She doesn’t know me,” the old man on the ground groans. He shouldn’t have opened his mouth; one of the other men boots him in the chest so hard I hear a snapping sound. Without looking over his shoulder, Spider guy says, “Don’t worry, my friend. We’ll get to you in a moment. But in the meantime…” He strokes the back of his hand down my cheek, running his tongue over his top teeth. “You swear you don’t know this guy?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “I swear.”
With little more than a blur of black material, Spider pulls his hand back and lashes out. Pain rockets through my head, surprising and sharp. I open my mouth, trying to gasp in a breath, but it won’t come. He hit me. He hit me, and he looks like he enjoyed it. He smiles at me, nodding. “I think I believe you. But I have to be sure. What did he say to you, pretty? Did he tell you something, huh?”
I’ve never been struck before in my entire life. I can’t even remember my parents striking me for misbehaving as a kid. A tiny part of me is roiling with anger at the treatment, but the rest of me is shocked, paralyzed with fear. “He didn’t tell me anything. He asked for my help,” I whisper. Spider laughs at this.
“He asked you for help, pretty? That’s kind of ironic, no?” The question is rhetorical. He nods to the man holding me, and the hand comes descending over my mouth again. Spider presses the tip of his knife into his index finger, turning around so he’s facing the old man on the ground. I catch the glint of a gold wedding band on the old guy’s finger—somewhere out there this man has a wife who is probably worried about him. It’s late, and it’s dark. He could have been on his way home when these guys jumped him. He could already be late for his own family meal.
“So, what we gonna do with you, ese?” Spider asks. “That was some crazy shit you just pulled. You seriously thought running was a good plan? And I thought you guys were supposed to be smart. Educated and shit.” He spits on the ground. I can’t see the expression on his face, but I’m betting his eyes are glinting with that same poorly concealed depravity he fixed on me a moment ago. This man thrives on power. He thrives on blood, and from the way the old man on the floor is shrinking away from him, I think he knows it, too.
“I…I can’t help you. You know there’s nothing I can do,” the old man says. His voice catches in his throat. “Just…just let the girl go. Please.”
Spider looks over his shoulder at me, one eyebrow arched into a bemused black line. “Her? You’re begging for her life?” With a shrug, Spider crouches down, still playing with the knife. “What about your life, Conahue? Not worth begging for?” he asks.
The old man—Conahue—swallows. The action looks painful, as though he’s swallowing razor blades. He looks up at me and I see the last flicker of fight in his eyes fizzle out and die. “You’re going to kill me anyway. Begging is probably a waste of what little breath I have left.”
Spider barks out a sharp blast of laughter. “Your life’s been in your hands for a long time, my friend. We gave you plenty of warning. When my employer asks for something, he gets it. There are consequences if he doesn’t. Hence this little…meeting, my friend. You could always change your mind? Do as he asks?”
Conahue gives a brief shake of his head, breathing heavily. His face, underneath the congealed, drying blood, is mottled and ashen. “I’ve never lied. I’ve never taken bribes. I’ve never let a piece of shit gang lord get away with murder.”
“Ah, so you’re a man of morals?” Spider asks this, twisting the knife over in his hands.
“Yes,” Conahue gasps. “Not that Hector would understand that. He hasn’t suffered a guilty conscience a day in his life.”
Most of the men snort at that. It appears as though the majority of them agree, and they’re proud of the fact that this mystery man, apparently their boss, isn’t inconvenienced by a functioning moral compass. Conahue struggles to push himself upright, but Spider tuts at him, wagging the knife back and forth in front of his face. The action is enough to stop the old man in his tracks.
“You do realize,” he says, “that the whore Hector’s accused of killing was a junkie, right? She was a drain on your country’s precious resources. You’ll die for some cracked out bitch you don’t even know?”
Resolve flashes in Conahue’s eyes. “I will.”
“So be it.” Spider acts slowly, extending his arm with deliberate purpose so Conahue can see what he’s doing. From my vantage point, still a foot off the floor and unable to turn away, I witness the point of the weapon press down into Conahue’s chest and travel slowly, slowly, slowly, into the man’s body. Conahue’s eyes widen, a look of mild disbelief coming over him as he starts to convulse.
A pool of thick, dark red blood begins to rise up out of the wound, around the blade of the knife, and then around the hilt when Spider has driven the weapon all the way into the other man’s body.
I scream, but there’s no sound—only a high-pitched out-rushing of air from my lungs. The vice-like grip around my chest tightens, and a sharp pain lances through me—my shoulder, burning, suddenly on fire. Spider draws the knife out of Conahue’s body; the old man is still alive, but the muscles in his face fall slack. He’s not got long left. He reaches up a shaking hand and clutches at the wound in his torso, his feet twitching. Spider watches him, back still turned to me, with such stillness that I get the feeling he’s mentally recording this—the life slowly slipping out of his victim, absorbing every fine detail of the moment so he can replay it again later.
A violent crash of sound roars down the alleyway, and I’m suddenly hit with the sensation of it—a wall of noise slamming into me, rattling my bones. I don’t know how I didn’t hear it before. It can’t have registered through the fear, the horror of watching that knife disappear into a man’s body. The guy holding onto me turns along with everyone else to see what’s going on; a motorcycle has pulled into the alleyway behind us.
The high wrought iron railing is all that stands between me, trapped with this group of killers, and the single biker on the other side. The bike’s headlight spears through the darkness, lighting us all up and eliciting a chorus of Spanish curse words from Spider and his friends. “What the fuck is he doing?” one of them hisses.
Spider snarls, pacing to the railings, knife still in hand, though it’s now dripping with blood. “You’re too late, ese!” he hollers. “It’s done. Run back to your cabron and tell him he’s fucked. And so are you!”
The growl of the engine cuts off abruptly, so that Spider’s last words sound outrageously loud against the following silence. The guy holding onto me clucks his tongue derisively when the figure on the bike climbs off and lowers the hood on his sweatshirt—a handsome guy, late twenties, with dark hair and dark eyes. From the way he walks toward us, I can tell he’s built like a tank. He’s wearing gloves. He reaches to the back of his waistband and produces a gun.
“Are you fucking kidding me, ese?” Spider laughs. “There are eight of us and one of you. You gonna shoot us all through the railings before one of us gets you?”
The biker on the other side of the gate doesn’t say anything. He has quick eyes. He takes in the scene before him—the old man on the floor behind us; me clasped tightly in someone’s arms, my mouth covered; blood splattered on the top of my Converse shoes; the other men behind me. He sees all of this, and his face remains completely blank.
“You realize what you’ve done,” he says. He doesn’t look at anyone in particular, though it’s clear he’s talking to Spider. He looks down at his gun, snaps back the action and then frees the clip containing the ammunition.
Spider takes hold of one of the railings, the steel of the knife in his fist clanking against the steel of the gate. “I did what had to be done, pendejo. You’re a man who gets things done, I’ve heard. You should know all about that.”
The biker on the other side of the gate casts his eyes upward from under drawn brows, apparently not even remotely fazed by the situation. He presses the first bullet out of his clip into the palm of his hand, and then fits the clip back into the gun. The gun goes away, back where it came from. “Borrow your knife?” the biker asks.
Spider shrugs. An evil smile spreads across his face. “Sure, hijo. Why the hell not?” He reaches his hand through the gap and drops the weapon into the snow. The biker comes closer, bends and collects the knife. He’s only three feet from me now. I can see the club patch stitched onto his hoody over the right hand side of his chest—Widow Makers—along with the small separate patch underneath that, which says V.P. The club’s emblem—a fleshless skull flanked by two guns and surrounded by stitched roses—is so close I could reach out and touch it, if only my arms weren’t being pinned to my sides.
The biker glances at me quickly—an assessing, curious look—and then he bends over the contents of his hand and begins scratching the tip of the knife against the bullet. A rustling whisper runs around the group behind me.
Is he really doing it?
He’s marking that round?
No way.
The biker finishes whatever he’s doing and then holds the bullet between his index finger and thumb for Spider to see. “You want this?” he asks. From the eager look in his eyes, Spider definitely does want the round. I just don’t have a clue why. In fact, I have absolutely no clue what’s going on. Everyone else seems to know what the biker’s actions mean, and all I can do is wonder.
“I do believe it’s customary to hand it over,” Spider says, amusement thick in his voice. He reaches through the railings and holds out his hand. The biker slowly shakes his head. He looks at me.
“I’ll give it to her,” he says.
Spider’s face twists into a scowl. “As you can see, my friend is a little tied up at the moment.”
The Widow Maker tips his head to one side, casting dark eyes over me and lifting both eyebrows. “Something tells me this woman isn’t your friend, Raphael.” And then, to me, “Are you his friend?”
I don’t know what the hell to do. My mouth is still covered, but I could probably shake my head. And then the guy holding onto me would probably snap my neck for pissing them off. My eyes widen, my tears blinding me. How the hell can this guy be so calm when it’s clear I’m being held against my will? It’s fucking obvious Spider, this Raphael person, whoever he is, isn’t my friend.
“Huh. I don’t think she’s feeling very talkative,” Raphael muses.
“Still. I’ll give it to her, if it’s all the same to you. This is worth it, right?” He curls his fingers around the bullet, making a fist. “You’ve been waiting for it for a long time. Pushing buttons, involving yourselves in shit you have no business involving yourself in. And now you’ve gone and done something entirely irreparable—” His eyes travel over my shoulder, back toward the man on the ground, whom I presume must be dead by now— “and you’re finally getting what you want. A blood bath. All you have to do is let her take this from me.”
Raphael seems to consider this for a minute. He then sucks in a sharp breath, gesturing an impatient flick of his wrist at the man holding me still. “Put her down, Martin.”
The grip around me is instantly gone, and my feet are on solid ground. My legs don’t feel like they’re going to hold me, though. I feel like Bambi taking his first steps. Raphael produces a gun of his own and thrusts it into my face. “Go on. Go and take it,” he snaps. A hard shove from behind pushes me forward, and Raphael moves to stand behind me. I then feel something I never imagined I would ever experience in my lifetime: the muzzle of a gun pressed against the back of my head. My limbs lock up; I can’t fucking breathe.
“Walk, bitch, or I’ll put a hole in your skull.”
I lock eyes on the biker through the railings; he gives me an almost imperceptible nod, like he’s willing me to come forward. I do as I’m told. My heart’s kicking wildly against my ribs as I put my right arm between the railings and hold out my open hand. The biker steps forward, closing in on me and taking hold of my wrist. He places the shining, tarnished gold piece of metal into my palm and curls my fingers around it tight.
“Tell them you’re a virgin,” he murmurs. “Whatever happens, make sure Hector knows that.”
“The fuck you saying to her, ese?” Raphael snaps. Before I can register what the guy has said to me I’m yanked backward, away from the stranger and away from the gate. I almost lose my footing. I hear the soft clicking of a gun being cocked behind me. “Open your hand. Tell me what you’ve got there,” Raphael snarls in my ear.
My fingers barely work; it takes serious effort to stop shaking and open my hand. Inside, I can see the slightly scuffed bullet, see the scratched marks on its surface.
“What is it?” Raphael demands, jabbing the gun in my back.
“It’s…it’s a bullet.”
“And what does it say on it?”
“It says…” I turn the metal over in my hands, trying to focus through my tears. “It says WAR.”
Howls of raucous laughter explode behind me; Raphael reaches forward and snatches the bullet from me, holding it up for his friends to see. “War!” he shouts. “Fucking war!”
The bullet is clearly a declaration, and Raphael and his men are overjoyed by it. The biker gives me a firm, meaningful look; he holds my gaze for a long moment, and then he turns around and pulls up his hood. Somehow, through all the laughter and rough housing going on around me, I hear the creaking of the snow under his boots with every step this stranger takes away from me. The Widow Makers club emblem is emblazoned in white across his back; it’s the last I see of him as he climbs back onto his bike, starts the engine and rides away.
Hands take hold of me again. Raphael’s still grinning from ear to ear as he squeezes my arm. “We’re done here,” he says.
“What are you going to do with me?” Strangely, I almost feel like laughing. People ask that question in movies, when they’re kidnapped and taken from their homes and their lives, stolen away from everything they know and hold dear. I never thought that it would one day be me asking that question.
Raphael smiles a cold, dead kind of smile. “Oh, Chiquita, we’re not going to kill if you if that’s what you’re worried about. No, you’re much too pretty for that.” He strokes the back of his hand down my cheek again, the same hand he hit me with before, and a wicked light sparks in his eyes. “You’re going to come with us. My name is Raphael...but from now on, you will call me master.”