Chapter 13
Mia
I’m on my break and taking advantage of the hour to talk to Marcus.
I knock on his door and open it slightly, and see him standing by the huge windows, staring outside. Quietly, I push the door open and go in, making sure to shut it just as quietly behind me.
The thick carpet mutes my steps as go to stand next to him. For a while we say nothing as we stare at the beautiful view of New York buzzing with life below.
“I found out four months ago,” he whispers. “When my father shot me, they removed the bullet, but apparently fragments were missed. I have lead poisoning and because it’s so close to my heart, there’s only a thirty percent chance that an operation might work. If they don’t remove it, I’ll die. If they do try to remove it, chances are good that I’ll die.”
My hand trembles as I lift it to my mouth in shock. This can’t be happening. I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, while Marcus has a death sentence hanging over his head.
No, this can’t be happening. Marcus is too young. He has his whole life still ahead of him.
I can’t process the words. It feels as if I’m having an out of body experience, watching other people as they struggle to deal with the cruelty and finality of a life-threatening illness.
“Are they sure there’s only thirty percent chance? We can keep looking until we find a doctor who can help. Maybe they made a mistake. That’s possible, right? Doctors make mistakes all the time. Did you get a second opinion?”
Marcus turns to face me and I see the answer in his eyes before he says, “I’ve looked, Mia. The first month I found out, I was in denial, sure that they had to be wrong. Every doctor I’ve spoken to say the same thing. If it were caught earlier, my odds would’ve been better, but because I’m already dying, my heart won’t be strong enough to survive the operation.”
“There has to be something we can do, Marcus. You’re too young to die. You have your whole life ahead of you. This can’t be happening to you.”
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “I’m on a list for a heart transplant, but because I have O-negative blood type, it’s not the easiest thing to get a donor. Besides, I’m so far gone at this point taking a healthy heart would be a waste. Odds are good that my body might reject it.”
“No.” The word is loud, as if it’s being torn from me. “You have to keep fighting. You’re not dying, Marcus. You’re alive. We can find you a heart. We’ll find a way to make you stronger so you can survive the operation. You’re not dying.”
“Mia,” he whispers. “I know it’s not easy to hear. I am dying. Denying it won’t make it go away. I’ve accepted it. It is what it is.”
“It’s not fair!” I cry. “You’re only twenty-six.”
There’s a resigned look in his eyes, and that scares me most.
“Don’t give up, Marcus. You have so much to live for.” He pulls me into a hug, as I say the words over and over.
Marcus can’t die. I won’t let him die. Jax said he’s taking care of it. I’ll speak to Jax, and together we’ll find a heart for Marcus. We won’t give up.
“I love you with all my heart, Mia.”
I sputter the words back to him, wishing I could give him my heart.
~
After my pole dancing session which consisted mostly of me falling on my ass, I go to Marcus’ place. I haven’t been able to think of anything else since I left his office this afternoon. I can’t go on as if he’s not dying. If our time is limited, then I want to spend as much of it with him.
I knock on his door and wait a while before he opens. I’m shocked at what I see. He looks as if he hasn’t slept in years.
“Marcus,” I breathe, following him inside. His shoulders are hunched from death weighing on them.
I close the door and rush to his side. “Sit down. Is there anything I can get you?”
“I just took the meds. What are you doing here?” He leans back and only now do I notice all the weight he’s lost. He catches me staring and laughs. “The suit is padded to hide the weight loss. I get them tailor made so the guys won’t notice. I’m not ready to tell them.” He lets out a bitter chuckle. “I wear make-up like a fucking girl.”
I sink to my knees in front of him, placing my hands on his knees. I can feel how cold he is right through the material. I get up and go to his room, and when I see that the covers on the bed are messed up, I turn back to him. I take his hand and pull him up. Placing my arm around him, I help him to bed, and once he’s lying down, I cover him up.
“Why are you still working? You should rest so you’re strong for when we find a heart.”
He closes his eyes as if he’s in physical pain. “I’m not just going to lie here and waste away. I only told you because I owed you. I don’t want your pity, Mia.”
“You owed me?”
“The screw crew list. It’s true, Mia, what goes around comes around.”
“No, Marcus, don’t ever think that.” I whisper. I take his hand and hold it in both of mine. “I don’t blame you for what happened with Josie. That’s on her.” I take a deep breath. “I don’t pity you, Marcus. I care about you. I want to help you because we’re family.”
“Don’t feel bad, Mia. You were right. I fucked up. You wanna know what’s the worst?”
“What can possibly be worse?”
“Her name is Willow. She was roommates with Della and Evie. I don’t know if you met her. She’s … she’s smart and stubborn. She’s a lot like you actually. I pushed her away, but all I want to do right now is hold her, and tell her how much I love her.”
I press a kiss to his hand wishing I could make things better for him.
“Why did you push her away?”
His eyes well with tears and I quickly wipe one away as it escapes.
“I’m fucking dying. Would you want to be with a rotting piece of flesh?”
His words are cruel and ruthless, breaking my heart.
“Don’t say that, and yes I would. If Logan were in your position, I’d want to spend every second with him. I have no guarantee that he’ll be here tomorrow. I learned that lesson when my parents were yanked out of my life.”
“I can’t do that to her. I love her too much.”
“Think about it, Marcus. She has a chance to love you, to feel your love, but you’re taking that away from her. If the worst happens, and you do die, she’ll be left with the thought that you never cared for her. I’d want to be left with the memories that I was loved and that even though he’s gone, his love will be with me forever and no one can take that away from me. Love her while you can.”
He pulls my hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to the back of it. “When did you grow up to be such an amazing woman?”
I just shake my head at his compliment, but I bury it deep in my heart where I’ll treasure it.
“Can you do me a favor?” he asks. “Grab my phone.”
I reach over and pick it up then look at him.
“I don’t have the guts to tell her alone. Will you phone her and ask her to come over? Will you stay with me?”
“Of course.” I blink the tears away and scroll through his contacts until I find Willow. I press on her name and put it on speaker.
“Marcus?” She sounds surprised to hear from him.
“Willow, it’s Mia. I’m Rhett’s little sister and a friend of Marcus. He asked me to phone.”
“Is he okay?” she asks, now sounding on edge.
“Can you come over to his place so we can talk?”
“Now?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
I place the phone back on the stand. He starts to sit up, but I stop him, lightly pushing him back against the pillows.
“What are you doing? You should be resting.”
“I’m not letting her see me in bed,” he says, still being the prideful man I’ve always known.
“Marcus, don’t hide this side from her. If you’re going to let her in, you need to trust that she can handle both the good and the bad.”
“You’re right. I don’t like it one bit, but you’re right.” He slumps back down, his face pale.
“Are you in pain? Can I get you some water?”
“Water, please.”
I rush to the kitchen and fill a pitcher with water and some ice. Grabbing a glass, I rush back to Marcus. I pour him a glass and watch as he takes a few sips before helping him place the glass on the side table.
“I really think you should stop working, at least until you feel better. The guys need to know, too. Exhausting yourself like this to keep up pretenses is just plain stupid, Marcus. Take a break from work and rest. You’re going to need the strength for the fight ahead. Tell the guys, so they can support you.”
For a long moment, all he does is look at me. I can’t tell if he’s thinking about what I just said, or upset with my honesty.
“I don’t know how to tell Jax. How do I tell my best friend I’ll never get to be his best man? I won’t be there with cigars when his children are born.” The look of pain on his face is so intense it brings tears to my eyes.
He presses the palms of his hands hard against his eyes.
“It’s unimaginable, thinking ten years from now I won’t be a part of his life. How do I tell the most important person in my life, I’m dying?”
I swallow hard, widening my eyes to keep the tears back.
“You don’t tell him you’re dying, Marcus. Tell him you’re sick. You’re not gone yet. You still have time with him, with Willow, with all of us. Don’t spend that time thinking about what you’ll miss out on. Spend your time doing what you love, with those you love. You can still be a part of everyone’s life, even if you do leave us. Write your thoughts down for years from now. Write your best man speech. Write down what you’d want to say to Jax when his first child is born, and add the cigars to the envelope. You can still be here. Just because you might move on sooner than us, doesn’t mean you’re gone. You’ll never be gone from our lives or our hearts.”
I can see that my words are reaching him and if I’m not imagining it, I think I can even see a spark of the old Marcus in his eyes.
“You should become a nurse, Mia. You have this way of showing compassion without making the sick feel like begging for death.”
I scrunch my nose. “You think?”
“Yeah, take it from me. You’d make a great nurse, or maybe work in hospice. Your honesty is raw and needed when facing a death sentence. You’ve helped me find perspective, and even a little hope. I’d be so fucking pissed at myself if I spend my last months, feeling sorry for myself.”
I’m just about to ask him if he has contacted hospice when there’s a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it. Do you want me to prepare her?”
“See, you’re amazing. Please, Mia,” he whispers. I can see how upset he is about the whole situation, and I lean over him to press a kiss to his forehead, like he’s done with me a hundred times.
I open the front door to a pretty blonde with the softest brown eyes.
“Hi, Willow. I’m Mia,” I say, standing to the side so she can come in. I close the door behind her and take a deep breath before I turn to face her.
“Hi, Mia. Is Marcus okay?” She looks so worried, and I hate that I don’t have good news to wipe her worry away.
“Willow, when you see him, you might be a little shocked. He’s very sick, and if you need a minute to prepare yourself, I’ll understand. He’s lost a lot of weight, and he’s exhausted, but he can’t wait to see you.”
Her mouth opens, but no words come out.
“He’s in his bedroom. Do you want to see him?”
She nods, still unable to form any words. I take her hand and hold it tightly as I lead her into his room.
When he sees her, tears escape his eyes. I fight the urge to run to him. I let go off Willow, as she slowly starts to walk towards him.
“Hey, babe,” he whispers. “Surprise.”
She sits down on the bed, her eyes flitting over every part of him that she can see, then she leans forward, and kisses him.
When she pulls back, she whispers, “You know I hate surprises.”
They both smile at her attempt to lighten the tension.
“I’m sorry I pushed you away,” he whispers, before a determined look settles on his face. “I have something to tell you but before I do, you need to know that I love you. I don’t want you to pity me.”
Her tears fall silently as Marcus tells her everything. His eyes are on their joined hands, and I can see the fear hiding behind them. He’s scared he’ll see pity on her face.
When he’s finished talking, Willow takes his face in her hands looks him right in the eye. “I’m here now. I love you and I’m not leaving your side, even if you become an ass again.”
“When I do become an ass, please remember that I love you. I fucking love you with every beat of my heart.”
I cover my mouth to smother the sob that rises at hearing his words. When Willow says that she’s staying the night, I let myself out.
When I check my phone I see that I have two missed calls from Logan. It’s already ten pm. I decide to take a chance, so instead of phoning Logan, I message Rhett.
Mia: I’m spending the night at Logan’s.
Rhett: Be safe and don’t make me an uncle. I’m too young.
Mia: LOL