Jack

 

 

I woke up in hospital to find a sleeping Lawson in a chair beside the bed. It was daytime out the window, there were bandages up my forearm, and whatever drugs they’d given me took away the pain.

And sweet Jesus there had been pain.

I’d tried not to let on too much because I didn’t want Lawson to worry any more than he already was. In the creek bed, when it first happened and he was strapping my arm, he was certain I was going to die. He was a fucking mess.

And maybe it was foolish of me to not get to the hospital sooner, but I just couldn’t leave him. I didn’t want to go without him, as much as I didn’t want him out all those miles away without me. God, he was so upset in that creek bed…

I knew I had to do whatever it took to never put him through that again, but when we’d arrived at the hospital, the doctor had asked me to rate my pain from one to ten. I couldn’t lie, so I’d said it was a nine. When he asked me to describe it, I said it was kinda like someone hit my hand with a sledgehammer, then poured acid over it while stabbing it with an ice pick.

He stared at me and asked what could possibly be added to make it a ten out of ten because that sounded as unbearable as it could get. My answer was simple. “If it had happened to my husband and I had to watch. That’d be a ten.”

Lawson started to cry when I said that, but a nurse put her arm around him and they wheeled me away. They gave me something for the pain and it made me sleepy, but I do remember seeing my hand when they’d inspected the wound, and I remembered them taking me to a room for observation.

Which is where I woke up. I found myself just watching Lawson for a minute. He was sound asleep in one of those ungodly uncomfortable chairs, and I wished like hell he could climb up onto the bed with me.

Watching him wasn’t too bad either, though. And as if he could feel my eyes on him, he stirred awake. “Jack,” he said, sliding forward in his chair. He took my hand. “I was so worried. How are you feeling?”

“I feel good.”

“They’ve given you pain relief.”

“I’m hungry.”

“Shall I go and find out what you can eat?”

“Yes, please.”

He stood and planted a kiss on my forehead. “Won’t be long.”

I must have dozed off while I waited, because I woke up again to the sound of voices. Lawson, of course, and some other voices I recognised. Charlie and Travis, and Milly too.

“Hey,” I said, trying to sit up.

Lawson fixed my bed so I was more upright, and Charlie gave me a huge grin. “Didn’t mean to wake ya.”

“No, it’s fine. I must have dozed off again.” I shook my head a little, trying to clear it, and Lawson took my good hand. “What time is it?”

“Ten,” Charlie answered. “We just got here. Thought we’d come and see how you were.”

“And Daddy said we can get me some ice cream,” Milly piped up with. Her eyes were big and brown, and her red curls were gorgeous.

Travis grinned and scooped her up and sat her on his hip. “And Dada. Because Dada lurves ice cream,” he said. Milly laughed then, and she clung to him. She was wearing a blue tutu, brown boots, and a Dallas football shirt. She really was equal parts her fathers’ daughter.

Lawson was looking at them with a happy sadness I’d never seen on him before. It was a look that never quite went away the whole time Charlie, Travis, and Milly were there, even when he was explaining he’d heard back from the Australian Lepidoptery Society, who had confirmed from the photos and video evidence the butterfly was indeed the African White-barred Emperor.

The plant had been confirmed, also, from my request, and the Fauna Conservation of Queensland was extremely interested.

“I’d imagine I’ll know more within forty-eight hours. As I explained to Greg, the stay on the pipeline might be immediate, pending reviews and reports, but the long-term process can take years.”

“So, it’s all good?” Charlie asked excitedly.

“Do you remember the bell frog that almost stopped the Sydney Olympics?” Lawson asked.

Charlie and Travis both shook their heads. “Nope.”

Lawson explained, “The government was all set to develop a large area of disused land near the Olympic centre until they found a rare frog. There were ecological studies done to the nth degree, as you could very well imagine. But they won. A new location was found; the frog and its habitat remains.”

“So if a little frog can stop the freakin’ Olympics, then we stand a chance, right?” Charlie pressed on, clearly trying not to sound too hopeful.

Lawson nodded in a so-so manner and gave him a tired smile. “I certainly hope so. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear so Greg can start the paperwork and legal proceedings. I’d hazard a guess there will be a lot of it.”

“That’s real good news,” I said. “I’m glad it worked out.”

“I’m sorry you’re in here, though,” Charlie added. “But it was real good to see you again, Jack. Maybe next time we can come down to Tassie?”

“Fly fishing?” Travis asked, his eyes almost as wide as his grin.

“Definitely,” Lawson answered. “You’re most welcome anytime. I don’t think we’ll be leaving for any more butterfly expeditions in a hurry.”

I snorted. “Until you get asked.”

“Maybe not even then,” he said, and that sad smile was back. “I think I’ll stay homebound for a while.”

Charlie, Travis, and Milly stayed for just a few more minutes before the lure of ice cream became too much for Milly. With fond farewells, they left, and Lawson wheeled the table over. “You must be starving. You’re allowed a light meal, so I got you a sandwich and some fruit, and juice and water.”

He unwrapped everything for me because of my bandaged hand, and I devoured it all. “Have you eaten?” I asked him around my last mouthful of food.

“Yes, earlier. I’ll grab some lunch soon and get you something else as well.”

He was still quiet, sad even. I held out my good hand and waited for him to take it. “Want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Only you almost dying.”

“Pretty scary, huh?” I joked. “I remember when it was you in the hospital bed almost dying. Took ten years off me, so I know you’ve had a rough night. I’m sorry.”

He squeezed my hand. “I wasn’t joking about not leaving for any more expeditions. I’m done, honestly. There’s enough work with my Tillman Copper, and I’m sure there’s more academia I can contribute to―”

“Want to tell me what’s really wrong?” I interrupted. I knew him. I knew him, and there was something he wasn’t telling me.

He frowned and his eyes became glassy. “I don’t think now is the right time to bring it up. When you’re home and well, we can talk about it.”

“Lawson, please just tell me. Something’s bothering you, and I can’t stand not knowing what it is.”

“If I tell you, I don’t want you to answer. Not yet. I want you to think it over for the time it deserves.”

“Lawson,” I urged.

His bottom lip began to quiver, and I worried I might not like what he was about to say.

“I want a child.”

I blinked.

“I want what Charlie and Travis have. Their very own child. I never thought about it before now. It wasn’t anything I ever considered… I didn’t know I wanted it until I saw them. They’re a family. I want that with you. I don’t know how to make it happen or if you even want that, but I do, Jack, I want that. I think we’d be pretty good fathers. Well, you would be. I started to picture it, you know, which wasn’t helpful at all, because I could see you working on the gardens and a little boy in gumboots, just like you, trudging behind you, copying everything you do, and Jack, so help me God, I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”

I was stunned.

He frowned. “You don’t have to say anything right now, and I told you this wasn’t the best time or place, and I do realise I’ve just dropped a rather monumental bombshell, but if you’d just consider it. I was thinking adoption, if you agree, of course. Just give it time to get used to the idea, the possibility even.”

“No.”

His eyes shot to mine. Hurt and sorrow became instant tears. “You won’t even think about it?”

“No. I don’t need to think about it,” I said, squeezing his hand and fighting a smile. “I think that’s a bombshell I’d like to explore. Being a family with you.”

His tears fell down his cheeks; but his whole face lit up. “You do?”

I nodded. “You’re wrong about one thing, though. The little boy who’s following me around the backyard would wear gumboots and a bow tie.”

Lawson laughed, then got to his feet. He cupped my face and kissed me hard on the mouth. Then he wiped the tears from his cheeks, turned, and headed for the door. “We need to leave. We need to go home. Right now.”

I laughed as he went in search of someone to discharge me, impatient as ever. I let my head fall back on the pillow and sighed to the empty room. If we thought our lives had changed when we met each other, when we married, that was nothing compared to how our lives were about to change. Did I want a family with Lawson? Did I want to become a dad like Charlie and Travis? You bet your life I did.

If imago was singular and imagines was two, I made a mental note to ask Lawson if there was an entomological term for imago times three.