THE SECONDHAND LAPTOP was a good buy, and using it made Hayley feel she was doing something active. An hour or two in research mode may not have garnered her a great deal of new information, at least as applied to her situation, but it assured her she wasn’t alone.
There were a lot of people out there who at least believed they’d had experience with ghosts and hauntings. She was already documenting an essential piece of advice from every website she’d visited. But at least with the computer she could type her reports instead of scrawling them in a notebook.
And it was fun to be able to e-mail friends back in Little Rock.
Of course she got caught up in surfing the web, much as she got caught up when scanning books. There was just so much information, so many interesting things. And one invariably led to another so that if she wasn’t careful, she’d be up past midnight hunched over the keyboard.
She had her chin propped on her elbow, her mind focused on an on-line report from Toronto of a ghost baby crying, when a hand brushed her shoulder.
She didn’t jump, held back a scream. Instead she closed her eyes and spoke in a nearly normal tone. “Please tell me that’s a real hand.”
“I hope it is as it’s attached to my wrist.”
“Roz.” Hayley let out her breath slowly. “Points for me, right, for not jumping up to cling to the ceiling like a cartoon cat.”
“That might’ve been entertaining.” She narrowed her eyes to read the screen. “Ghosthunters dot com?”
“One of many,” Hayley told her. “And really, there’s some pretty cool stuff. Did you know that one of the traditional ways to discourage ghosts from coming into a room was to stick pins or hammer iron nails around the door? It’s like they’d get caught on them and couldn’t get in. Of course, if you did it while they were already in, then they couldn’t get out.”
“I catch you nailing anything into my woodwork, I’ll skin you.”
“Already figured that. Plus I don’t see how it could work.” She scooted around, away from the screen. “They say you should talk to the ghost, politely, just ask it to leave. Like: Hey, sorry about your bad luck being dead and all that, but this is my house now and you’re disturbing me, so I wonder if you’d mind just moving on.”
“I’d say we’ve tried variations of that.”
“Yeah, no go.” When Roz sat on the sofa in the sitting room, Hayley understood she hadn’t come by just to chat about Amelia. Nerves began to drum. “Of course, they say you should document everything, but Mitch already has us doing that. And take photographs. You can hire a ghost hunter, but I don’t guess you want a bunch of strangers in the house.”
“You guess right.”
“Or you can ask a minister or a priest to bless the house. That couldn’t hurt.”
“You’re afraid.”
“More than I was, yeah. But I know this stuff”—she tapped the screen—“isn’t really helpful because what we’re doing, what we always planned to do was find out who, what, why. And if we did manage just to boot her out, we wouldn’t know it all. But I like, well, harvesting information.”
“You and Mitch, peas in a pod. Have you documented what happened the other night, with you and Harper?”
“Yes.” Heat burned her cheeks. “I haven’t, ah, given it to Mitch yet.”
“It’s very personal. I wouldn’t like sharing that sort of personal experience with an outsider.”
“You’re not. I mean, he’s not. Neither of you.”
“Anyone, no matter how you love them, is an outsider when it comes to the bed, Hayley. I want you to know I understand that. I also want you to know you’ve got no need to walk on eggshells with me about this. I waited a couple of days, hoping it wouldn’t be quite as touchy a subject.”
“I know Harper went to Mitch about it, and I knew Mitch would tell you. I just couldn’t, Roz. If it’d been anybody but Harper—not that I’d be with anybody but Harper . . . And I’m already messing this up.”
“You’re not.”
“It’s . . . Harper’s yours.”
“Yes, he is.” She propped her feet on the table, her most habitual position. “I knew when he fell in love with you, though you didn’t know, and I doubt he did.”
“I think maybe it was the night we stayed at the Peabody.”
Roz shook her head. “That’s romance, and valuable. But that wasn’t when. Who held your hand when Lily was born?”
“Oh.” Hayley lifted a hand to her throat as it filled. “He did. Harper did, and I think he was almost as scared as I was.”
“When I saw, and I understood, my heart ached. Just for a moment. You’ll know what I mean when it’s Lily’s turn. And if you’re lucky, as I’m lucky, you’ll watch your child fall in love with someone you can love, and respect and admire, be amused by, feel close to. So when your heart aches, it’s with happiness, and gratitude.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I don’t know how I could get any luckier than I already am. You’ve been so good to me. No, please don’t brush it off,” she said when Roz shook her head. “It means so much to me. When I came here, I thought I was so smart and strong, so ready. If she kicks me out, I thought, I’ll just keep going. I’ll find a job, get an apartment, have this baby. I’ll be fine. If I’d known what it takes—not just the hours, the effort, but the love and the worry that just fills you up when you have a child, I’d’ve thrown myself at your feet and begged for help. But all I had to do was ask.”
“I gave you a job and a place to stay because you’re family, and because of the situation you were in. But that’s not why you’re still here. You earned your place at In the Garden, and your place in this house. Make no mistake, if you hadn’t, I’d have shown you the door.”
“I know.” And knowing it made Hayley grin. “I wanted to prove myself to you, and I’m proud that I did. But, Roz, because I have Lily, I know what Harper means to you. And part of the reason I’m scared, more scared than I was, is I’m afraid The Bride might hurt him.”
“Why do you think that?”
“She saw Reginald in him. Maybe one of the reasons she’s moved on to me is because of the feelings that I developed for Harper. When I first met him, I remember thinking, wow, if I was in the market, I’d be all over that one.”
When Roz laughed, Hayley flushed. “See what comes out of my mouth?” she demanded. “Jesus, you’re his mother.”
“Forget that a minute. Keep going.”
“Well, see I wasn’t in a place in my head, or anywhere else, where I could think seriously about a man, a relationship. I just thought he was hot, then as I got to know him, sweet and funny and smart. I liked him a lot, and I got irritated now and then that he was so cute and I was pregnant and cranky and not at my best. After Lily, I tried to think of him as kind of a brother, or a cousin. Well, he is a cousin, but you know what I mean.”
“The way you think of David or Logan, or my other sons.”
“Yeah. I really tried to put Harper in that same slot. And there was so much to do and learn, that it was easy to ignore that little low tickle that was going on inside me. You know the one.”
“Thank God I do,” Roz said with feeling.
“Then it wasn’t so easy, and the feelings for him kept getting stronger. It seems to me, when I started to admit them to myself, started to imagine how it could be with him, that’s when Amelia started slipping in.”
“And the stronger your feelings, the stronger and more demonstrative her objections.”
“I’m worried that she’ll hurt him, through me. Not seeing Harper, but Reginald. I’m worried I won’t be able to stop her.”
Roz frowned. “Seems that you’re not giving Harper enough credit for being able to handle himself.”
“Maybe not. But she’s awful strong, Roz. Stronger than she was, I think.” Remembering the sensation of having her self pushed aside, Hayley inhaled, exhaled, deeply. “And it seems to me she’s had a lot of time to think about payback.” “Harper’s stronger than she thinks. And so are you.”
SHE HOPED ROZ was right. As she lay sleepless, with Harper beside her, she hoped she had the grit and the brains to combat the vengeance of a vindictive spirit. Worse, one she felt some sympathy for.
But Harper wasn’t responsible for what had happened to her. No one who lived at Harper House now was responsible. There had to be a way, some way, for her to make Amelia understand that. To show her that Harper was not only the child she’d once sung to, but a good, caring man. And nothing like Reginald.
What had he been like, really? Reginald Harper. A man so obsessed with having a son, he would deliberately impregnate a woman not his wife. Whether or not Amelia had consented—and that they couldn’t know—it had been a selfish and hurtful act on his part. Then to take the child, to force his own wife to accept it as her own. He couldn’t have loved. Not his wife, not Amelia, certainly not the child.
It was no wonder Amelia despised him, and with her spirit or mind, or heart, shattered, that she’d grouped all men along with him.
What had it been like for her? For Amelia?
SHE SAT AT her dressing table, carefully rouging her cheeks by gaslight. Pregnancy had stolen her color. Just one more indignity, after the horrible sickness morning after morning, the widening of her waist, the incessant fatigue.
And yet, there were benefits. So many she hadn’t counted on. She smiled as she added color to her lips. How could she have known Reginald would be so pleased? Or so generous.
She lifted her arm to study the ruby and diamond hearts that circled her wrist. A bit delicate for her taste, really, but you couldn’t fault the glimmer.
And he’d hired another maid, given her carte blanche for a new wardrobe to accommodate her changing body. More jewels. More attention.
He visited her three times a week now, and never came empty-handed. Even if it was only to bring her chocolates or candied fruit when she mentioned craving sweets.
How fascinating to know that the prospect of a child could make a man so biddable.
She imagined he’d been very solicitous of his wife, in turn. But then she’d plagued him with girls rather than the son he coveted.
She would give him a son. And in giving, would reap the benefits for the rest of her life.
A bigger house to start, she decided. Clothes, jewels, furs, a new carriage—perhaps a small country house as well. He could afford it. Reginald Harper would spare no expense for his son, even his bastard son, she was sure.
As the mother of that son, she would never have to seek out another protector, never have to flirt and seduce and bargain with the men of wealth and position, offering sex and comfort in exchange for the mode of life she craved. Deserved. Earned.
She rose from the dressing table, and hair shining gold, jewels glittering white and red, gown sweeping silver, she turned in the chevel glass.
This was her exchange now. This bulge of the belly. Look how odd and awkward, how fat and unfashionable she looked, despite the gown. And yet, Reginald doted. He would stroke that bulge, even during passion. And in passion, he was kinder, gentler than she’d ever known him to be. She could almost love him during those times, when his hands were tender instead of demanding. Almost.
But love was not part of the game, and a game was all it was. This bartering pleasure for style. How could she love what was so weak, so deceitful, so arrogant? A ridiculous notion, as ridiculous as feeling pity for the wives they betrayed with her. Women who folded their thin lips and pretended not to know. Who passed her on the street with their noses in the air. Or women like her mother who slaved for them for pennies.
She was meant for bigger things, she thought, and lifted a heavy crystal decanter to stroke scent on her throat. She was meant for silks and diamonds.
When Reginald arrived, she would pout, just a little. And tell him of the diamond broach she’d seen that afternoon. How she would pine without it.
Pining wasn’t good for the child. She imagined the broach would be hers within a day.
She gave a light laugh, a little turn.
Then stopped, went still. Her hand trembled as she lifted it to press over her belly.
It had moved.
Inside her a flutter, a stretch. Little wings beating.
The glass reflected her as she stood in her shimmering gown, her fingers spread over the slight bulge as if she would guard what was inside.
Inside her. Alive. Her son.
Hers.
HAYLEY REMEMBERED IT vividly. Even in the morning there was nothing of the fragmented or misty quality of a dream.
“It was, I think it was, a kind of a bid for sympathy. More for empathy.” She held her cup in both hands as she sipped coffee in the breakfast nook.
“How so?” Mitch had his tape recorder and notebook as she’d requested. “Did she speak directly to you at some point?”
“No, because it wasn’t her, it was me. Or it was both of us. I wasn’t dreaming so much as I was there. I felt, I saw, I thought. She wasn’t just showing me, but reliving. If that makes sense.”
“Eat your eggs, sweetie-pie,” David urged her. “You look peaked.”
She scooped some up obediently. “She was beautiful. Not like the way we’ve seen her, really. Vibrant and drop-dead—excuse the term. There was so much going through her head—my head—I don’t know. Irritation about the changes in her body, the inconvenience, plots and plans to get more out of Reginald, surprise at his reaction to her condition, disgust for men like him, for their wives, envy, greed. It all just kept rolling around in a big mass.”
She paused, breathed. “I think she was already a little bit crazy.”
“And how was that a bid for sympathy?” Harper asked her. “Why would you feel sorry for someone like that?”
“It was the change. It was feeling the baby move. I felt it, too. That shock of feeling, the sudden realization that there’s life inside you. And there’s this wave of love along with it. In that moment, the baby was hers. Not a ploy or an inconvenience, but her child, and she loved it.” She looked at Roz.
“Yes.”
“So she was showing me. I loved my child, wanted it. And the man, the kind of man who’d use a woman like me, took it from me. She was wearing the bracelet. The heart bracelet. And I did feel for her. I don’t think she was a good person, certainly not a nice one, and even then, before the rest happened, I don’t think she was balanced. But she loved the child, wanted it. I think what she showed me was real, and she showed me because I’d understand it more than anyone else. Yeah, I felt sorry for her.”
“Sympathy is fine,” Mitch said. “But you can’t let down your guard. She’s using you, Hayley.”
“I know, and I won’t. I can feel for her, but I don’t have to trust her.”
DAYS PASSED, AND she waited for the next move, the next experience, but August boiled quietly toward September. The most wrenching experience was having her ancient car break down between work and the sitter’s, and finally having to accept it was time to replace it.
“It’s not just the money,” she told Harper as she strolled Lily through the used-car lot. “It’s one of my last links to childhood, I guess. My daddy bought that car, secondhand. I learned to drive with it.”
“It’ll go to a good home.”
“Hell, Harper, it’s going on the scrap heap, and we both know it. Poor, pitiful old thing. I know I’ve got to be sensible, too. I can’t be hauling Lily around in an unreliable car. I’ll be lucky if that salesman who took it off for appraisal doesn’t come back and say I owe him just for dumping it on him.”
“Just let me handle it.”
“I will not.” She stopped by a hatchback, kicked its tires. “You know what I hate? I hate that a lot of car salesmen and mechanics and that whole breed treat women who come in like brainless bimbos just because they don’t have a penis. Like all the automotive data and know-it-all is stored in their dicks.”
“Jesus, Hayley.” He had to laugh, even as he winced.
“It’s true. So, I’ve done my research. I know what I want and how much I should have to pay. He doesn’t want to deal with me, then I’ll just take my business elsewhere.”
She stopped by a sedan, braced one hand on the fender and waved the other in front of her face. “God almighty, it’s hot. Feel like every fluid in my body’s boiled away.”
“You look a little pale. Why don’t we go inside, sit down for a minute?”
“I’m okay. Just not resting well. Even when I sleep, I feel like I’m on alert, like the first few weeks after Lily was born. Makes me draggy and irritable. So if I end up snapping at you, try to bear with me.”
He rubbed the small of her back. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I appreciate you coming with me today, I really do. But don’t feel like you’ve got to step in.”
“Ever bought a car?”
She sent him a sidelong, annoyed look as she continued to push Lily’s stroller. “Just because I haven’t, doesn’t mean I’m some rube down from the hills. I’ve bought lots of other things, and I can guarantee I know more about negotiating prices than you. Rich boy.”
He grinned. “I’m just a working gardener.”
“You may work for a living, but you’ve got a few silver spoons tucked away for rainy days. Now here’s what I’m after.”
She stopped to study a sturdy-looking five-door Chevy. “It’s got plenty of room, but it’s not big and bulky, and it’s clean. It’s bound to get better mileage than my old car and it’s not flashy.”
She frowned over the listed price. “I’ll just get him to come down a bit, and it’ll be in my range. Sort of.”
“Don’t tell him you—”
“Harper.”
“Backing off.” He shook his head, stuck his hands in his pockets.
And had to saw his tongue in half when the salesman came out, big smiles, and announced the meager offer on the trade-in.
“Oh, is that all?” Hayley widened her baby blues and fluttered her lashes. “I guess sentiment doesn’t count, does it? But maybe, maybe you could just ease that up, a little bit, depending on what I buy. This one’s pretty. I like the color.”
Playing him, Harper realized, noting how she’d bumped up her accent. He went along for the ride as the salesman steered her toward a couple of pricier options, watched her chew her lip, flash her smile, and steer him right back to what she wanted.
Guy’s toast, he decided as she finagled the price down, took Lily out of the stroller to sit with her behind the wheel. Harper concluded nobody could resist the pair of them.
Two hours later, they were driving off the lot with Lily dozing in her carseat and Hayley beaming behind the wheel.
“ ‘Oh, Mr. Tanner, I just don’t know a thing about cars. You’re so sweet to help me out this way.’ ” Harper shook his head. “When we were sitting in there doing the paperwork I wanted to warn him to lift up his feet. It was sure getting deep.”
“He made a nice sale, got his commission, and I got what I went in for. That’s what counts.” But she let out a hoot of laughter. “I liked when he tried to bring you into it, showed you under the hood and you just scratched your head like you were looking at a cruise missile or something. I think we made him feel good, like he was giving me what I needed for the price I could pay. And that counts, too. Next time I have to buy, I’d go right back to Mr. Tanner.”
“Didn’t hurt for you to tear up a couple times.”
“That was real. I was sad to sell that old heap—and don’t think these car payments aren’t going to sting some.” More, she thought, it had put an ache in her throat when Mr. Tanner had assumed they were a family.
“If you need some help—”
“Don’t go there, Harper.” But she reached over to pat his hand, to show she appreciated the offer. “We’ll be fine, Lily and me.”
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to celebrate then?”
“That’s a deal. I’m starving.”
They had looked like a family, she thought. A normal young family buying a secondhand car, having lunch in a diner, treating the baby to a cup of ice cream.
But putting them there was rushing it, for all of them. They were a man and a single mother who were romantically involved. Not a unit.
At home, she decided to take advantage of the rest of her day off by curling up with Lily for an afternoon nap.
“We’re all right, aren’t we, baby?” she murmured as Lily played with her mother’s hair, her big eyes heavy, her pretty mouth going slack. “I’m doing right by you? I’m sure trying.”
She snuggled down a little closer. “I’m so tired. Got a million things I ought to be doing, but I’m so tired. I’ll get them all done sooner or later, right?”
She closed her eyes, started to calculate her finances in her head, juggling funds, changing weekly deposits. But her brain wouldn’t focus.
It drifted back to the used-car lot, and Mr. Tanner shaking hands with her before she drove off. How he’d smiled at her and wished her and her charming family well.
Drifted to sitting out on her terrace with Harper, drinking cold wine in the heat-soaked night.
Dancing with him in the shimmering romance of the suite at the Peabody.
Working with him in the grafting house.
Watching him lift Lily onto his shoulders.
It should be easier to be in love, she thought sleepily. It should be simpler. It shouldn’t make you want more when love was everything.
She sighed once, and told herself to enjoy what she had, and let the rest come.
And the pain was like knives in the belly, shocking, sharp, and horrid. Her whole body fought against them, and she screamed at the sensation of being ripped in two.
The heat, the pain. Unbearable. How could something so loved, so desired, punish her this way? She would die from it, surely she would die. And never see her son.
Sweat streamed off her, and the utter weariness was nearly as severe as the pain.
Blood and sweat and agony. All for her child, her son. Her world. No price too dear to pay for giving him life.
And as the pain sliced her, sent her tumbling toward the dark, she heard the thin cry of birth.
Hayley woke drenched in sweat, her body still radiating from the pain. And her own child blissfully asleep in the protective crook of her arm.
She eased free, fumbled for the bedside phone.
“Harper? Can you come?”
“Where are you?”
“In my room. Lily’s sleeping right here. I can’t leave her. We’re all right,” she said quickly. “We’re fine, but something just happened. Please can you come?”
“Two minutes.”
She made a wall of pillows around the baby, but knew even then she couldn’t leave the room. Lily might roll off somehow, or certainly climb over and fall. But she could pace, even on her weakened legs she could pace.
She flung open the doors even as Harper ran up the steps.
“They told her it was stillborn.” She swayed, and her knees nearly folded. “They told her her baby was dead.”