Quinn
It’s been four weeks since we started training and I feel miserable. It’s for different reasons now. The pain of losing Roy isn’t so intense anymore, and it’s becoming a problem for me. I can’t forget about Roy and Mrs. Douglas. Someone has to remember them.
The training is going much slower than I had hoped. When we started, I fantasized about being ready in three days, which I now know is impossible. With every day that passes, I feel more desperate to learn everything so I can go find Steve and kill him. Who knows what he’s been doing or planning in all this time. What if he comes back today or tomorrow? I won’t be ready. I won’t be able to stop him and the thought crushes me.
I feel like I’m constantly battling two parts of myself. The one part of me never stops screaming and raging. It feels like I’m losing my mind. I can’t silence the screaming. The other part is empty of all emotion.
Dad came to visit when he was in town. Since then, he’s been calling me every day. I wish he would stop. I know he cares and is worried about me. When he was here, he tried to talk me into seeing a psychologist, but I refused. I can barely speak to the people around me, never mind spilling my guts to some stranger.
If we’re not training, then I hide in my room.
I don’t know what Eli does during the day. The stitches came out a few weeks ago, so I suppose he’s working again.
We’ve been living around each other. It’s a good thing that he’s going on with his life. I don’t want to drag him down with me. I just can’t find any part of me that can face life, because living means I have to feel. Feeling means I have to think of that night and I just can’t.
My anxiety keeps getting worse. It feels as if the walls are closing in on me.
I go to the kitchen to get myself an apple. While cutting it in half, I freeze and stare at it.
Without thinking, I press the sharp edge to my stomach. I can end it all now. If I’m gone, Eli will be safe. I can end the memories and pain.
I pull back and look at my hands. They aren’t even shaking.
I thrust forward and growl my frustration as I glare down at the tip of the knife. It has torn through my shirt but stopped short of stabbing into me.
I’m pathetic. I can’t even end this nightmare.
My mind wants to end it, but my own body is fighting me to stay alive.
Anger bubbles hot through me and I scream as I slice at my arm. When I see the tiny droplets of blood appear, a weird feeling washes through me. It’s enough to silence my chaotic thoughts for a moment.
For a moment I feel no pain. I feel nothing.
It only lasts a few minutes before the cut on my arm starts to burn. Then I realize what I just did. Disgust ripples through me, making me grab a piece of paper towel. What kind of person cuts herself?
A weak person.
A coward.
When I’ve wiped the blood from my arm, I quickly get a band-aid. Scared that Eli will get home and see what I’ve done, I race upstairs to put on a long sleeve shirt.
What have I done?
I feel sickened with myself.
I hear the front door open, and it makes my anxiety spike sharply. Shit, what if he finds the evidence of what I did? Dammit! I didn’t think to cover the paper towel up, before I threw it in the trash.
I race out of the room and when I practically storm into the kitchen, I come to a quick stop. Eli takes a bottle of water out of the fridge.
If he throws that bottle away he’ll see the towel.
I move in the direction of the trash and it gets his attention.
“How was your day?” he asks, leaning against the counter. He frowns at me. “Are you cold?”
I look down at the long sleeve, then my eyes go to the tiny bulge where the band-aid is.
“Uhm … yeah.” I need to get him out of the kitchen. “Why don’t you go watch TV while I make us something to eat?”
Dammit. His frown is getting a frown. I need to act normal or he’s going to get suspicious.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just want to say thank you for letting me stay here. I want to do something for you. Let me do it.”
He places the bottle of water on the counter then just stares at me until I start to feel uncomfortable.
“I’ve given you some time, Quinn. I’ve let you hide in that room for a month. We’re going to have to talk about what happened. Roy would want you to go on with your life.”
My anxiety quickly gives way to anger.
“How would you know what Roy would have wanted for me?” I snap.
“Because he was a good man. He loved you, Quinn. He wouldn’t want you to just give up.”
My eyes dart to the trash. I just want to get rid of it and go back to my room. I don’t want to talk about Roy or what happened. I walk to the trash and take the bag from it.
“What are you doing?” Eli asks, a look of confusion spreading over his face.
“Taking out the trash,” I snap.
“I took it out before I left this morning.”
I look down at the practically empty bag in my hand. Shit, I’m busted.
“Quinn, put down the bag and talk to me.”
He walks over to where I am and when he reaches for the bag, I yank it out of his reach.
“Leave it. Just leave it! I said I want to take it out.”
I start to tremble as panic makes my heart beat faster.
Eli takes a step back, a look of shock on his face.
“What’s going on?”
I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself.
“We can’t go on like this, Quinn. Tell me what you need me to do and I’ll do it.”
Shame and disgust well up in me and I feel horrible for the way I’ve been acting. Eli doesn’t deserve this.
His eyes scan over me and then they dart back to my arm. The blood drains from my face as he reaches for it.
“What happened to your arm?”
I quickly step away from him and walk to the back door. When I’m outside, I glance down. There’s a tiny blood stain. I start to roll the sleeve up so it will cover the stain.
Eli grabs my hand and pulls it away.
“I asked you a question, Quinn,” he growls darkly.
When I still don’t answer him, he grabs hold of my arm and shoves the sleeve up. To my horror the band aid slips away with the material, exposing my stupidity to Eli’s scrutinizing gaze.
“What happened?” His voice is low, and I know if I don’t come up with something now, things are going to get ugly.
“I was cutting an apple. The knife slipped and I nicked myself.”
I can’t look up at him.
‘That’s more than a nick.”
I try to pull away, but instead, he pulls me closer. He takes the bag from my hand and drops it on the floor.
“Look at me,” he says, his voice icy.
I shake my head and my heart starts to pound all over again.
He takes hold of my chin and forces my face up. The second our eyes meet, my lips part ready to blurt out an apology.
Pain darkens his eyes and a muscle starts to jump on the right side of his jaw.
“Why, Quinn?”
I drop my eyes from his. I can’t stand to see the disappointment. I feel guilty as it is.
But instead of telling me what a horrible person I am, Eli takes my hand and pulls me back inside the house. He keeps walking until we reach the bathroom.
“Sit,” he whispers.
I sit down on the toilet and watch as he takes a first aid kit from the cabinet.
He cleans the cut before he wraps a bandage around it. It makes me feel even worse. Now he’s cleaning my mess.
When he’s done, he pulls me from the toilet and onto his lap as he sits down on the floor. His arms come around me and he buries his face in my hair.
It’s the last thing I expected him to do.
I feel a new kind of pain blossom in my chest. Instead of him shouting at me and telling me how weak I am, he takes care of me. He’s too kind, too gentle – and it’s killing me. I would’ve felt better had he screamed at me.
“Please talk to me,” Eli whispers.
I try to think of another lie I can tell him that will make him feel better, but when I open my mouth, the truth comes out.
“It hurts when you’re nice to me.”
Eli pulls back and the pain on his face guts me.
I shake my head, wishing I had a better way to explain what I was feeling.
“I did it.” I point towards the bandage because I can’t even say it, “I did it because the hurt takes my mind of the real pain.” I place a hand against my chest. “It’s the same thing when you’re being nice to me. It’s a different kind of pain.”
“Why would it hurt you when I’m nice to you? I don’t understand.”
It’s so hard to explain something I myself don’t even understand.
“I don’t -” I pause for a second, choosing my words carefully. “I feel like I don’t deserve it, Eli. I’m an awful person.”
Eli shakes his head. “Do you hear yourself, Quinn? Nothing that happened that night was your fault. You know that right?”
My chest starts to ache and I close my eyes.
“At first, all I could think about was Roy,” I whisper, my voice sounding empty. “But the memories of Roy are starting to fade, Eli. I can’t see him as clearly anymore. I’m starting to -” I open my eyes and look at him. “Forget.”
“Oh, babe,” he whispers.
He brushes some of my hair back and I look down at my hands.
“I have nightmares about that night,” I say so softly that I’m not sure he’ll hear the words. “Roy isn’t in them anymore. It’s just that monster.”
Eli growls deep in his throat. His hand slips behind my neck and he pulls me hard against his chest.
I hold onto him with all my might praying that he won’t grow sick of me.
It starts to get dark but we don’t move.
“I don’t know why I did it, Eli. It was a crazy moment. I didn’t mean to but once I started I couldn’t stop.”
I burrow deeper into him, needing to surround myself with his warmth and scent. When I’m close to him the darkness isn’t all that dark then.
He presses a kiss in my hair and asks, “Don’t you think it would be better if you saw someone?”
“No!” I snap, pushing away from him. “You sound like my dad now.”
I get up and walk away from him.
“Your dad is worried. I’m worried,” he says as he comes after me. “We think you should. It might be the best thing right now.”
I stop and spin around. I just need him to back off.
“So you think I should see some shrink? You think it’s best for me? You think I’m insane?”
I shove hard at Eli, just wanting him to stop.
He grabs at my hands and it’s only then that I realize that I just lashed out at Eli and he’s only trying to help. I’m losing my mind.
“Oh, my God,” I whisper. “Eli, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
It feels like I’m going to explode on the inside and no one will know about the devastating chaos left inside of me.
“Babe,” Eli whispers. He sounds as broken as I feel. “I just want what’s best for you. If you don’t want to talk to someone, then talk to me, or talk to my mom. I don’t care if you scream, as long as you get it out. Tell me what you’re feeling right now. Just let it out. Don’t keep it in and let it eat at you. I was there, remember. I was there with you.”
I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around him. What did I do to deserve someone like him?
I press my face into his chest and whisper, “When I’m with you, I can almost pretend none of it happened. I feel normal and it makes me feel guilty. How dare I move on while Roy is dead? It’s only been five weeks.”
Eli pulls back and frames my face. “It’s normal to heal, Quinn. It doesn’t mean you’re going to forget him.”
I force a weak smile to my lips. “Thanks, Eli. I’m going to head to bed. It’s been a long day.”
He presses a kiss to my forehead and says, “Thank you for talking to me.”
I turn around and walk to my room but before I go in, I say, “I’ll try harder to open up. Thank you for being patient with me.”
“Always.” He watches me until I close the door.
I’m really going to have to do something. Eli is right. I can’t go on like this.
As soon as Eli leaves, I walk over to his parents’ house.
The back door is open when I get to the house. Softly, I knock before going in.
“Mrs. Jackson?” I call as I walk into the kitchen.
Seconds later, she comes around the corner and when she sees me, she smiles.
“You’re just in time for coffee,” she says and she starts to make two cups.
“Thank you.” I lick my lips nervously. “I need some advice.”
She smiles at me then quickly finishes making the coffee. When she hands me a cup, she says, “Let’s go sit outside. It’s a nice day.”
I follow her out onto the deck and we sit down in the sun. With winter coming, the mornings are much cooler.
I take a sip of my coffee before I say, “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the past month.”
She reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “You’re welcome. Now, what do you need advice with?”
I take a deep breath. This is going to be hard to explain and I hope she understands.
I don’t know where to begin so I just start to talk. “I really love Roy, even now after he’s gone.”
She nods and slowly sips at her coffee, waiting patiently for me to talk. That’s what I love most about her. She actually listens.
“Mr. Jackson told me that he knows I love Eli.” I glance at her to see her reaction but there’s no trace of surprise on her face. “I’m guessing you know as well?”
“Of course I know how you feel about Eli. He’s your best friend.”
I shake my head and look down at the caramel colored liquid in my hands.
“It’s more than that. I fell in love with him back when we met. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to lose him. I know he only sees me as a little sister. That’s why I tried with Roy.” I look up at her so she will see that I mean every word. “I really love Roy.”
“Of course you do, sweetheart.”
My breathing grows shaky as I say, “But it’s not the same kind of love that I feel for Eli. The love I feel for Roy is calm and safe, where what I feel for Eli is…”
“Confusing? Overwhelming? Intense?” she says.
“Yeah, and then some,” I say, smiling at her. But the smile quickly fades. “I feel guilty. Roy deserved so much more.”
She places her cup on the floor and leans back in the chair. She looks out over the trees in the direction of the ocean.
“I believe love is a choice we make. It’s not a feeling. Sure, you fall in love in the beginning and you have all those crazy hormones, but with time, the heat fades away and love becomes work. You have to choose to work on how you feel about a person. You chose to try with Roy and while he was with you, you gave him all the love he needed, Quinn. I believe you would’ve had a happy marriage with him. You would’ve worked to make a success of it.”
I nod because she’s right. I would never have hurt him.
“But Roy is gone. It doesn’t mean you’re going to stop loving him. You’ll always remember him and with time those memories will bring a smile to your face. Is it too soon to have a relationship with someone else? There is no right and wrong answer. I can tell you this, however. If you’re worried what people might say, then stop. You have to do what’s right for you.”
I sigh and sit forward, resting my arms on my thighs. I look down at the floor and say, “But what if they start talking?”
Mrs. Jackson reaches for me and brushes her hand over my hair. “Sweetheart, people will always find something to talk about. It doesn’t matter. They have no say in your life. If you live your life to please others, you’ll just be unhappy. A wise person once told me you only get one shot at this life. It’s up to you to make the best of it. If you want to be with Eli then go after what you want.”
“You’re right,” I whisper as I think over everything she just said.
I place the cup on the floor before I break it.
“I … uhm,” I stumble over what I want to say next. “I’ve never been with a man. Eli is so much older and I’m sure he’s no longer a…” I let the words trail away into the uncomfortable air that hangs around me.
Mrs. Jackson stands up and walks over to the railing. She turns around and leans back against it.
I start to worry that I maybe got a little too personal when she says, “When it comes to two adults being intimate for the first time, it shouldn’t matter who they’ve been with before. All that matters in that moment are the two of you. It will be a first for both of you.”
“If we even get that far, I’m worried that I’ll ruin it. What if I panic? What if …” My face pulls with agony as I whisper, “The nightmares never stop. It feels as if it’s stained me and I’m scared Eli will see it. It’s changed me and I’m scared Eli won’t want to be with the person I’m becoming.”
Mrs. Jackson holds her hand out to me. “Let’s take a walk. I want to show you something.”
I take her hand and we walk in silence until we reach the beach.
“Take off your shoes,” she says as she kicks her sandals off. When I’m barefoot, she pulls me into the water. It’s freezing but I do as she says. “Oh shit, it was much warmer the last time I did this.”
I smile at her words.
“Besides the freezing cold, what do you feel?”
I frown and look at her. “Water? It’s wet?”
She nods. “It still feels the same right?”
“Yeah,” I say not sure what it all means.
“Look around you. Did any of this change?”
I look out over the ocean and shake my head. “No, it’s still the same.”
She pulls me out of the water and we pick up our shoes before we start to walk back to the house.
“Hurricanes come and go but it still stays the same. Sure it takes a while for nature to recover but it doesn’t change the bigger picture. The same counts for you, Quinn.”
I finally understand what she’s trying to say, and smile. “How did you get to be so smart?”
She laughs. “I married Alex.”
That makes me laugh.
“How’s the training coming along? Ethan says you’re pretty good.”
“It’s too slow. I had this stupid fantasy that it would only take a few days for me to be this bad ass fighter.”
I pluck a leaf off a tree and start to shred it to pieces.
“Does it ever get better?”
She’s quiet until we reach the house and sit down again. I start to put on my shoes when she says, “Did Eli tell you how my parents died?”
I shake my head as I sit back.
“They were killed.”
I didn’t expect to hear those word and they shudder through me.
She takes a deep breath before she continues, “My father and uncle got involved with some really bad people. After my parents were killed, I was forced to run from South Africa. I came here and I managed to hide for seven years before they found me. I blamed myself back then.”
My eyes are glued to her face. My heart starts to beat faster as she tells me about her past.
A wounded look pulls tightly at her features. For the first time, I see all the pain she keeps buried inside of her, as she lets it surface.
“They kept me in a container. They made daily recordings as they beat me. I remember wishing that one of the punches or kicks would just end it all.”
I want to reach out to her but I know now is not the right time. I keep still, just listening to every horrid word.
“The fourth day was the worst.” Her face distorts with pain. “They raped me through the night.” I gasp with shock and quickly get up. I kneel next to her, wishing I could hug those terrible memories right out of her mind. “Alex found me the next day. He killed them all and I remember thinking that their deaths were too quick, too easy. I had wanted them to suffer the same way I had been suffering.”
I look up at her as a tear rolls down my cheek. Her trauma makes mine look like a walk in the park.
She reaches out to me and wipes the tear from my skin, then she leans forward and cradles my face in her hands.
“Your pain is as real as mine, Quinn. We all deal differently. No experience is the same for any two people. I won’t lie, the months afterward were a living nightmare. I couldn’t handle being around people. It took weeks before I felt semi-comfortable with Alex. I felt filthy. They had used me and discarded me like a piece of trash. It almost ruined things between Alex and me, but he was so patient with me. The first time we were intimate turned out to be rather catastrophic. I thought I had ruined any chance of us being together only to realize it was all in my head. I was my own worst enemy back then. Our minds have a way of conjuring up fears that never exists. So many times we get sucked in by those fears that we forget to live.”
“Do I still think about what happened? Yes, it’s a part of who I am.” She shakes her head and whispers, “But I can’t remember their faces. The memories are like faded stains now. The sharp edge of pain has been dulled over the years and it will be the same for you.”
I place my hand on her knee. “Did it help? When Mr. Jackson killed them, did it make you feel better?”
She shakes her head. “It didn’t matter whether they were dead. For a long time afterwards I still gave them the power to hurt me. Whether they were somewhere out there or ten feet under didn’t make the pain any less or more. Only when I saw the beauty that came from it all, did I start to heal.”
“What beauty can ever come from something so horrible?” I ask.
“Alex. Eli. Ethan.” She smiles and the pain retreats back to the depths she pulled it from. “I had to go through hell to find my heaven.”
I reach up and hug her. “You’re the strongest person I know.”
She pulls back and looks at me. “I wasn’t strong back then, Quinn. I only made it because I let Alex in. I had to learn to trust him. I had to make a choice whether I was going to run forever or stay and fight to be with him.”
“I understand. Thank you so much for sharing it all with me.”
She smiles and brushes some of my hair back. “I’ll always be here to talk, Quinn. When things get really bad, and they will, just remember one thing for me.”
“What?”
“People will come into your life and they will hurt you. After they’re done with you and they move on as if nothing has happened, it’s up to you whether you’re going to give them the power to destroy the rest of your life while they forget about you, or whether you’re going to say ‘you fucking hit like a bitch’ and forget they ever existed. They are the pathetic ones, Quinn. They don’t deserve a place in your life.”
Her words feel freeing. I grab her to me and hug her tightly as I whisper. “Thank you so much.”
She hugs me too and presses a kiss to the side of my head. “You’re like a daughter to me, Quinn. I live you.”
I pull back and smile. I’ve heard the Jackson’s say that to each other before but I don’t know what it means.
“Let’s get some more coffee.”
I grab the cups and follow her back into the kitchen.
“Alex doesn’t believe in love,” she says, shocking me for the zillionth time. She laughs when she sees my reaction. “Oh don’t you worry, he’s quite the romantic, but don’t you dare tell him that I said so. We don’t do I love you’s in this family. Love is a fickle thing. Alex once told me that life is the only thing that matters. You only get one life and it’s precious. We live each other. We’re each other’s lives.”
I smile when I finally understand. She hands me a cup of fresh coffee and we sit down at the table.
“My mom died giving birth to me. It’s only been Dad and me,” I say as I smile at her. “You’re the first woman I can talk to.”
“It’s only been these men and me,” she laughs. “You’re a very welcome addition to this family, Quinn.”
“Thank you for Eli,” I say and even I’m surprised when my tears start to fall. “Thank you for raising such an amazing person.”
Tears shine in her eyes but she smiles through them. “You’re welcome.”