I mindlessly stare into the creek that runs along the far side of my parents’ property.

Growin’ up, whenever shit got too much for me to handle, this is where I came. Whether it was stupid, childish fights with Cody or I felt my parents were bein’ unfair, this is where I would come and hide ‘til I calmed down. This is where I found peace. This was my little corner of heaven on earth….And now my heaven on earth is a million miles away, never to be seen or touched again. Callin’ Carly when I was in a shitty mood was automatic. She had a way of bringin’ the same sort of stillness to me this creek used to. The same stillness that I wish this damn thing would give to me now.

Another tear silently lands on my cheek as I shove my hands deeper into my jean pockets.

“Hey, Dusty,” Lynette’s voice softly greets.

My body whips around to face her. “You alrigh’? You need somethin’?”

Her exhausted expression attempts a smile. “I’m fine, Dusty.”

“You sure?”

She nods quickly.

I know she’s lyin’, but I can’t blame her for that. She’s got two little girls who need her to be strong. Who need her to be both parents at the hardest point in their lives. Two little girls I will never let forget what a hero their father was.

“You gave a great eulogy,” Lynette states, taking a sitting position closer to the water.

“Thanks….”

Wasn’t exactly like I had a choice. He was my brother and my best friend. Momma was melting down at just the idea of Sam doing it, Sam -- his oldest friend, which let me know no one else was going to be given fair chance. It was easy to stand in a crowded room and tell the world how incredible Cody was. The hard part was knowin’ in the back of my mind I would never get to tell him to his face.

Once I’m settled down beside her, I ask, “How are the twins?”

She gives me a small shrug. “As good as a couple of four-year olds can be. It’ll be a process to get them to understand Daddy’s not coming home ever again. That Daddy isn’t just working late and that they keep falling asleep before he gets in….” Lynette’s face momentarily drops. “They’re learning about what death means and asking questions I don’t have the answers to.”

My hand falls on hers and gives it a comforting squeeze. “You know I’m here for y’all. Day or night. You jus’…tell me, and I’ll be there. Whatever y’all need, you know I’m there. Food. Bills. Hugs….I’m there.”

Lynette lets an unexpected smile flitter across her lips. “There is something you can do for me and the girls.”

“What’s that?”

“Go be with Carly.”

The ache in my chest that comes from the very thought of her name deepens. I fold my hands together and force words to crawl through tear stricken vocal chords, “I can’t do that, Lynette. My family needs me here. Those girls are gonna need me here.”

“What those girls need is to know that hate doesn’t have to win, Dusty.”

Her words push my attention out to the water.

“My girls needs to know what color a person is born doesn’t fucking matter. They need to know that who they love, whether they’re brown or black or orange or a man or a woman isn’t something they should have to be ashamed of. They need to know that in this family, their family, they should be free to love whoever loves them best. And if you don’t walk out of this bigoted town, they never will.”

The tears I had been ignoring fall faster.

“It takes a real man to stand up in the face of adversity, Dusty, and be that example….Give that to them. Prove to them it’s okay to take the hard path in life. Show them families can be different sizes and shapes and colors.”

I shake my head. “I can’t just walk out on them. They need a man in their lives.”

“They have plenty,” she huffs. “Between my two brothers and my dad and their grandfather, it’ll be covered.” Lynette doesn’t wait for me to argue. She nudges at my arm to redirect my attention to her. “Do it for Cody.”

“That’s not fair, Lynette,” I whisper.

“You wanna know why I’m not shattered into a million fucking pieces right now?” There’s an unmistakable twinkle in her eyes. “Because I never wasted a day with Cody. When you’re married to someone who risks their life daily, you always know there’s a chance when they walk out that door, they’re not walking back through it. It’s the scariest fucking reality to swallow. As you know, my dad is a cop, and growing up my mother had all these rules I thought were bizarre. Like, no matter how we’re feeling or how pissed we were at the end of every day, we had to say I love you. And before my dad left every morning or night we had to hug him, look him in the eyes, and say it. Whenever possible we ate together as a family, which when you’re little is one thing, but at sixteen it’s like, fucking seriously? But after one of my Dad’s best friends on the force died in the line of duty…it all started to make sense. She finally sat down and explained how long you get on this earth is a mystery. It’s a question you’ll never get the answer to until your final day. She explained that when someone you love gambles their days on trying to make the world a better place, that your responsibility to each other is to treat each day like it is that final one. I took it to heart. I actually swore I would never date a cop or firefighter because I know what both entailed between my brother and my father. And then, Cody’s cocky mouth got the better of me, and I was gone….”

Listening to her recall fondly of my brother hurts in more ways than one.

“So every day Cody was alive, we made the most of it. Whether or not I was pissed or he was pissed or we were sleeping in the same bed or separate ones, we said I love you at the end of the night and before he left for every shift. And when the girls were born, he greeted every day with an ‘I love you’ to them and ended every night possible the same way. See, we both understood you get one shot at life, Dusty. Just one. Live it. Love it. Own it. Cody did. And if it were him sitting here instead of me, you can bet your ass he’d give you the same damn speech.”

My bottom lip trembles.

“You have spent your entire life taking care of other people, Dusty. I know that. I’ve seen that. It’s time for you to start taking care of you. It doesn’t make you a shitty person. It doesn’t mean you love us less. It just means you love yourself, too.”

There’s not a shred of doubt in my mind Cody would say something like this to me….But how do I walk away from my parents? How do I choose love over blood? Why are they makin’ me choose?

The question falls from my lips before I have a chance to catch it. “Are you really not gonna let the girls see momma anymore?”

Lynette ruffles her hair. “Honestly, Dusty? I don’t have the answer to that….”

I lift my eyebrows in question.

“You think it was just Carly she spewed hateful shit about? Why do you think Cody was less and less adamant about us spending time over here? You know, Mike’s openly gay. Well, the number of times she called him slurs while I wasn’t around got out of hand to the point Cody had had enough. He didn’t want those words slipping out around the girls any more than he would’ve wanted the racial ones. I don’t want to punish your parents for their narrow-minded thinking, but I refuse to let them poison my girls. Those are my babies, and I will always do what’s best for them. I will always put their best interests at heart, and spending time with people so quick to hate others isn’t it.”

Her point punches me harder in the chest than expected.

Cody knew and tried to warn me. Tried to hint that maybe I should’ve came at the situation differently. It’s why he promised he would be supportive no matter the outcome. His eyes were much wider open to our parents’ behavior than mine were. Or maybe it was easier for me to ignore ‘til it marched directly into my life. Either way, Lynette is absolutely right. I gotta get out of this town in honor of my family. My brother, rest his soul. My bright-eyed nieces. Myself. Life without Carly in it is hardly worth livin’. It’s one thing to live life without ever meetin’ the love of it, but it is a whole other story tryin’ to live life without them in it once you have. My soul literally aches every time I take a breath. The pain of losin’ Cody is agonizing and not havin’ the sweet solace of the woman who was made for me only intensifies it. Havin’ to end things with her because I convinced myself it was the only way to keep my family together has nearly killed me.

“Will you and the girls still come visit?”

“Uh…absolutely!” Lynette exclaims, mirth hitting her eyes for the first time in days. “Hell, I will leave them with the two of you for weeks if you want. Months.”

I smile and shake my head. “You’d miss ‘em too much.”

“At first, but then I would remember what sleep felt like and adapt.”

We lightly laugh and hug warmly for the first time in days.

She hugged me in the hospital. Cried against my chest as she me told me about the apartment building, the apartment building I knew something would end up going wrong at because of their desire to barely scrape by, and the child on a higher floor he got injured saving. She stayed in my arms when the doctor gave us the news. Stayed in my arms when she could no longer hold her own weight. Stayed in my arms while she bawled for a loss she wasn’t prepared for yet was. It’s nice to hug her under different circumstances. It’ll be even nicer to wrap my arms around Carly and let her be there for me the way I have been there for everyone else.

After we share a few more moments of silence sprinkled in between fond memories of Cody, we head back towards the house.

The sight of my momma frantically searching for us slows my stride.

“Well there you two are!” She huffs. “You know how rude it is to jus’ disappear like that?”

“We needed some air,” I defend despite the fact Lynette doesn’t.

“It is not the time for air, Dusty,” her bite adds to the lingering hurt I’m feeling. “It’s the time for family. And…and…bein’ with family.”

Lynette gives my arm a strong squeeze and mouths, “Exactly.”

I let out a heavy sigh and approach my mother. “You’re right, momma. Which is why I’m here.”

My sister-in-law slips past her without a word.

Now directly in front of the woman who gave birth to me, I continue, “Which is why I stayed. Which is why I gave up bein’ with Carly.”

“Do not say that heathen’s name. Not in this house. Not on this day.”

I push the knot of sorrow soaring up my throat. “I love you, momma.”

Her head tilts in confusion.

“But family isn’t jus’ you and Dad. It’s Lynette. It’s Mike and David. It’s Lacey and Lyndsey. And Lord willin’….It’s Carly.”

She folds her arms firmly across her chest. “What did I just tell you?”

With a broken smile and tears on my cheek, I quietly confess, “I’m movin’ to be with Carly, momma. She’s gonna be my wife. The mother of my children. The mother of your grandchildren. I swear, I’ll call. Send you and dad pictures. Visit whenever you’ll let me, but Carly is an extension of me the same way Lynette was an extension of Cody. If she is not welcomed then I am not welcomed. The decision whether or not to be in our lives will be your burden to bear. Not mine.”

Her head tilts a little higher at the same time she sneers. “Dustin James Coleman…are you standin’ in my face tellin’ me you’re gonna turn your back on your family for some nigger?”

For the first time in my life I choose not to answer when spoken to. Instead, I place a kiss on her cheek, and head inside to spend time with the people who loved my big brother. A small relief slips onto my shoulder as the shift in my life truly begins to sink in.

Cody would want me to live my life….So that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.