We returned to the City of Three long after dark on the third day. I had wanted to defy my husband’s mandate, but after fighting with Galen, I didn’t have it in me. We rode the whole day long, and by the time we returned, I could barely hold myself upright and my stomach was tight in knots at the thought of seeing Calix.
The Royal Causeway was lined with guards holding torches, and it made me shiver. Calix must have ordered them there to wait for me, like a burning sign of his displeasure, a display of his power.
At the beginning of the causeway, I stopped, causing all the guards and men around me to stop as well. I dismounted, slipping from the horse, drawing new breath when my feet struck the ground.
Kairos jumped off his own horse without a word and stood by me, half a step back. I started walking, and he walked with me, Osmost happily chirping out clicks from his shoulder.
“Shalia,” Galen called. “What are you doing?”
“We are Dragon,” Kairos said. “We are desert born. And our feet will never fail us.”
“Three hells,” I heard him mutter. “You really think it’s wise to remind him of that right now?”
Maybe it wasn’t wise, but this, with my feet on the ground, walking forward, this was how I knew my own strength. I knew the power in my feet, my legs, my muscles, my body. And the only thing I wanted when I saw my husband again, the husband I couldn’t leave, the man who terrified me and fathered my child, was to feel my own strength and know it wasn’t something he could take away.
If the guards stayed on their horses, they didn’t pass us. I could feel Galen’s steps not far behind me, and I continued up the steep rise of the causeway.
We crested the courtyard, and I released a breath I’d been holding. Calix wasn’t there, even though I was certain his guards reported that I had returned. It made the hair rise on the back of my neck, wondering what kind of confrontation awaited me.
Galen took my horse and ordered Zeph and Theron to follow me back to my room. We went in silence, Zeph moving ahead to open the door for me.
I walked over the threshold and halted.
“My queen?” Zeph asked, peering around me.
There were flower petals in a thick layer on the floor. The doors were open and the breeze ruffled the top layer of petals so they twisted and skittered over the others. They were beautiful, white and pinks and purples, and a few brushed over my feet.
Zeph turned to the guard who had stood there during the day. “Who entered the queen’s chamber?” he demanded.
“Just the king,” the guard said.
Zeph frowned, but I stepped forward, wading through the flower petals. A few were blowing outside, like they were leading me that way. “Calix?” I called.
I saw something on the balcony. Sliding my feet through the petals and letting them rush over my skin, I went out. Flower petals tumbled around a table with two chairs, more flowers, and a man with his back to me.
For a few moments I had the foolish hope that this whole life was different, that all the awful things that had come before were erased, and the husband who stood there to greet me was Galen, my brave and handsome defender, a man who would never give up even when it seemed utterly bleak.
Calix turned and smiled at me, and something inside me broke a little more.
I stopped, and Calix came to me, sliding his hand on my hip and kissing my cheek. I turned away.
He sighed and stepped back. “I know you’re angry with me, my love.”
“I’m not angry,” I told him. “I’m bruised, and betrayed, and furious. I’m confused and wondering if you’re even the kind of man I can allow near my child.”
His throat worked. “Don’t joke about that, Shalia.”
“Calix, you struck me,” I told him. “Why would I let you do that to our child? Or let our child see you do such to me?”
“I’m sorry, Shalia. That’s why I did all this,” he said, sweeping his arms out over the table. “To show you I’m sorry. What I did—it won’t happen again. Never.”
Chills ran over me, and I knew the words I was about to say would anger him, but they had to be said. “Another promise. I don’t believe you, Calix,” I told him.
He stepped forward, but I skittered back. “Shalia,” he said with a sigh. “I know. I know you can’t trust my words right now, but I will make it right with you. This child is everything to me. You are everything to me, and the thought that you have been away from me—hating me for what I did to you—I’ve been sick. I can’t bear to think that I could lose you.”
There was bitterness on my tongue. “You can’t lose me. You know that I can’t leave you or turn from you. This whole apology is yet another show, another act—” I halted.
“My love,” he murmured, coming close to me and rubbing my arms, chafing warmth into my cold skin.
I pulled away from him, feeling sick at his touch.
“Shalia,” he said. “Please.”
“I don’t want you to touch me right now, Calix,” I whispered.
He stepped away, shaking his head. “Punish me all you like, my love. I more than deserve it.”
A wild hiccup rose in my chest. “Punish you?” I repeated. “Calix, I feel sick when you touch me. Because I’m afraid of you, and ashamed, and terrified for our child. And I can’t just pretend that away.”
“Striking you—letting my temper overrule my judgment—that was a grave mistake. It will never happen again. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, Shalia. I promise you that.” He sighed, walking closer, and I cringed, but he went into the room.
I drew a shaky breath, trying to calm my heart, but it was short lived. He reappeared a moment later, putting a coat around my shoulders. “You’re cold, love.”
His fingers lingered long enough for me to shudder, but he pulled away before I could open my mouth. I slipped my arms into the sleeves of the coat, turning around. “Thank you.”
He stepped back. “Come. The cooks have prepared a special meal for us, and I want to prove to you that I do care for you. You’re my wife and the mother of my child, and that means something to me.”
I looked at the table, crossing my arms. “How will you do that, Calix?”
He glanced around. “All of this is for you, my love. All of it.”
“And it’s a lovely gesture. But it proves nothing.”
He reached toward my hand, but I pulled away, shaking my head.
“I know I was wrong to say that your family was the reason … well. I was wrong. I know now, that as long as you have family on this earth, you’ll love them as much as I want you to love me. It’s only natural, and more than that, it’s part of why I think you will be an amazing mother. And, well, I wanted to wait to surprise you, but I did hear you when you told me how important it was to you to go to the desert. I know there are many problems between us, and chief among them is that you think I don’t hear you, and I don’t listen to you. But I do, my love. So I think we should go to Jitra. If it means so much to you to have the baby blessed by your clan, they can gather there and bless him, yes?”
I blinked, looking up at him. “What?”
He nodded, his mouth twitching toward a smile. “Would that please you?”
My mother, pressing her hands to my stomach and smiling at me. My father, glowering at Calix and protecting me. My brothers, standing beside me always. Catryn, crawling into my bed to sleep curled against me. Little Gavan, hearing that he would be an uncle. All of us, dancing until the cavern shook to welcome my baby with joy.
I couldn’t breathe, covering my heart, relief racking me so hard it felt like pain. Calix stepped forward and halted. “It doesn’t please you,” he said.
“It does,” I told him. “It does, it does.” Drawing in a slow breath, I looked at him and nodded. “Thank you, Calix. This means the world to me.”
“I know,” he said. “I want to give you the world. I want to make you happy, Shalia, and I’ll give you all the time you need until you’re happy with me. So, will you please eat dinner with me?”
I drew a shaky breath, but I nodded. I still didn’t want his hands on me, I still didn’t trust him, but it was certainly a start.
When I woke early and alone, Zeph was at my door to take me for a walk.
Kairos was waiting for me at the cliff walk, and I smiled, shaking my head. “How do you know when I’ll be here?” I asked, delighted.
He kissed my uninjured cheek. “My sister. Always with the silly questions,” he said. “Zeph?”
Zeph sat on the step and waved us forward, relaxing in a beam of weak morning sun like a gigantic cat.
The path was just wide enough for us to walk side by side. “How are you feeling?” he asked.
My shoulders lifted. “I slept well. I just feel … worn. Tired.”
“You weren’t eating much in Trizala.”
I touched my stomach. “I don’t quite understand why some things make me ill and others don’t.”
“We will find things you can eat. My niece will be well fed,” he said, nodding once.
I smiled. “It won’t always be like this. I remember Mother was usually terribly ill for the first few months, and then she was very healthy.”
“Did you have problems with him last night?” Kairos asked, glancing back toward the castle.
“No,” I said. “I told him I don’t want him near me. He said he would respect that, for now.”
“You did?” he asked, his eyebrows shooting up.
I nodded. “I can’t stand the thought of him right now, much less the idea of him touching me, kissing me.” I shuddered.
“With someone like him, that’s a dangerous choice,” he told me.
“At this point, it isn’t something I can choose differently.” I sighed.
“You weren’t at dinner last night,” Kairos said. “I heard Calix made some sort of gesture for you.”
“The court knows of that?” I asked. “They know what he … was making up for?”
“No,” Kai said. “They were all whispering that he was showering you with presents, that he’s so madly in love with you.”
I crossed my arms, remembering the chill of the night before. “He’s allowing me to go to the desert for the blessing.”
Kairos grunted. “Allowing you.”
My shoulders shrugged up. “It’s an opportunity, Kai.”
His eyebrow arched, questioning.
I stopped on the path, taking a deep breath and looking at him. “I won’t see my daughter raised here,” I told him. “We need to speak to Rian and figure out the best plan to get away from here. To leave without hiding, without endangering the desert.”
His chest swelled with a deep breath. “You want to fight.”
I nodded.
He let the breath out. “Good. I’ll contact Kata, and Rian. We’ll figure out a plan.”
I sighed. “I confess, the thought of seeing Mother, and Father, and everyone again is soothing to me.”
He looked me over and nodded. “I know. It’s strange being away from them for so long, isn’t it? And it’s only been a few months.”
“If that isn’t the right opportunity for me to leave, I want you to stay with the clans,” I told him.
He chuckled. “Not a chance. No matter what, our brothers will know of his treatment of you, and you will have a new, desert-born Saepia. I would write to them of it already, but they would invade the damn city.”
The thought felt warmer than my coat. To have family around again, to feel protected and safe—I’d grown up itching to get away from the protection of my brothers, and now it was all I wanted. “They can’t come. They have their own lives, Kai. You know that.”
He put his arm around me. “And they would leave everything to defend their sister. Even Gavan will try to come.”
I nodded. “A few more weeks, then. We can last a few more weeks, can’t we?”
He kissed my temple. “You can last through anything, sister. Don’t ever think otherwise. You’re much stronger than he is.”
I covered his hand on my shoulder. “At least now we know what that awful feeling you had was about,” I told him. “Certainly things can’t get much worse than they are.”
He didn’t move.
“Kai?” I asked, turning to him. “It was about Calix hitting me, wasn’t it?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said. “If anything, the feeling has grown worse. And I can’t explain it, but it’s not simply about you or me; we are at the crux of it, but it’s like an anthill. There is a center, and something dark is streaming away from that center. Growing over the earth.”
My mouth fell into a grim line. I shook my head. “No. We will make it a few more weeks, and get to the desert, and all will be well.”
He didn’t lie to me. He didn’t say anything.