Chapter One
Lennon
It’s sunny and warm in our backyard, the kind of day my mom likes to call a Pure California Day. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but she usually says it before sending me and my brothers out to play. “Go have fun,” she says, shooing us out the door. “Go and enjoy this Pure California Day.” But I’m not enjoying it. Not today.
“Lennon, stop crying.”
I rub my hand across my eyes. “I’m not crying.”
My brother Cash makes a face, looking up to Reed for agreement. “He’s totally crying, Reed. He’s always crying.”
“You’re a liar, Cash.”
“And you’re a big baby, Lennon.”
Even though I know I’m not supposed to hit my brothers, I just can’t help it. Cash is mean to me all the time. He thinks he’s so cool, always trying to get Reed, our oldest brother, to laugh. “Shut up, Cash!” I push him as hard as I can, smiling when he stumbles. He’s a lot bigger than me, and it makes me feel strong, knocking him off his feet a little.
“Don’t you push me!” he yells, pushing me right back. His face is red now, and I laugh. He’s embarrassed because I almost made him fall in front of Reed.
“Then stop being so mean!” I shout back.
“Both of you stop,” Reed says, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Mom said we didn’t have to practice our instruments all morning, and you’re wasting it fighting. We’re supposed to be finding Daltrey.”
That’s what started our fight. We were playing hide-and-seek in the backyard, and Reed kept letting Daltrey hide, even though it was my turn. They’re always letting Daltrey take my turn in all the games we play. Just because he’s littlest. It isn’t fair.
“It’s not fair,” I mutter, squeezing my hands into fists. I wish I could slam Cash in the face with my fist, that would show him. But I know I won’t do it, not when Mom is home. Shoving is one thing, but actually punching my brother would wind up with me in trouble. Even if he deserves it. “It’s not fair,” I say again.
Reed sighs, sounding a lot like our dad, and bends over so his face is closer to mine. My oldest brother is a lot taller than me, even though he’s only nine. Mom always calls him her little beanpole, ruffling his hair and making him smile in a way that doesn’t look at all like his usual cool-kid face. Reed is always trying to be a cool kid. It’s annoying. I miss the way it used to be, back when Daltrey was still too little to play with us and Reed didn’t try to act like a grown-up all the time.
“Listen, Len,” Reed says, looking right at me. I feel a little stupid for crying before—he can probably see that my eyes are red, no matter what I said to Cash about being a liar. “Sometimes being a big brother means that life isn’t fair. When you have little brothers, sometimes you have to let them have their way.”
“So I don’t ever get to hide?” I ask, hating the way my voice sounds all shaky. Cash is probably going to make fun of me again.
Reed laughs. “You’ll get to hide next, okay? I promise.”
I nod, rubbing my face again. Reed is pretty good at making me feel better. Most of the time.
“What a baby,” Cash mutters, and I feel a big rush of anger. It reminds me of the waves we see at the beach—big and fast and coming right at me no matter what.
“You’re a jerk, Cash!” I yell as loud as I can, trying to get around Reed to shove Cash again. This time I’m going to do more than make him stumble. I’m going to knock him right down into the dirt and—
“Hey!” Reed sounds mad now. “You’re going to wake up Mom!” He casts a worried look toward the house, and my anger goes right out of me, replaced by a feeling I don’t like very much, right in the pit of my stomach. It feels like worry.
“It’s stupid that she still needs naps,” Cash mutters, looking up at our house. “Daltrey doesn’t even take naps anymore, and he’s a baby.”
“I am not a baby!” We all turn around to see our littlest brother marching toward us from the trees behind the house. Of course he was hiding in the trees. It’s the only place he can ever think of. They should have let me hide. At least I have an imagination.
“Sorry, kid,” Cash says. “’Course you’re not a baby.”
Daltrey grins, reaching up to return Cash’s high five. I’m not sure why, but watching them makes me feel mad all over again. Cash never says sorry to me. And he never gives me high fives, either.
“What’s going on?” Daltrey asks, puffing up his chest so that he looks a little bit taller. He always does that when Reed and Cash are around. It looks stupid. “Why didn’t you come to find me? I waited forever.”
“Lennon was throwing a little fit,” Cash says.
“I was not throwing a fit!”
“What did I say about waking up Mom?” Reed asks, shoving my arm. He’s getting mad, I can tell. He always acts like he’s too old to fight with us unless he gets really mad. Then he shoves even harder than Cash.
“Why’s Mom asleep, anyway?” Daltrey asks, gazing over at the house. He doesn’t look worried about it, and I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. None of my brothers seem at all scared about her sleeping during the day. Why does it give me such a funny feeling in my tummy?
“I don’t know, idiot,” Reed says. Yup, he’s getting mad all right. “All I know is that she’ll be mad if we wake her up.”
“So, are we playing or not?” Cash says. “Daltrey, go find your hiding spot, we’ll count again.”
“That’s not fair!” I cry. “Reed said it would be my turn next!”
“Daltrey didn’t finish his turn,” Reed says.
“Only because he was too dumb to sit and wait for us.”
“Hey!” Daltrey pushes me. “I’m not dumb. You’re dumb! A big dumb baby!”
“He’s crying again!” Cash says, throwing his hands up in the air.
I know that Reed said we needed to be quiet, but I just can’t help it. “I am not crying!” I scream as loud as I can.
“What’s going on?”
We all turn around, the icky feeling in my stomach growing really big and scary. There’s my mom, standing on the little back porch, looking out at us. She’s wearing a pretty yellow dress, and I know exactly how soft it will feel against my cheek if I lean against her leg, how it will smell like baby powder and something else sweet.
“Reed?” she asks, and I can see that my big brother is nervous.
“The kids are just being stupid,” he says, as if he’s some grown-up and not a stupid nine-year-old.
“Lennon called me a baby!” Daltrey adds.
“And he pushed me!” Cash says.
My brothers are the biggest jerks in the world. Now I’m going to be the one to get in trouble. I swallow as my mom steps off the porch, walking across the grass in her bare feet to get to us. She comes straight to me, bending down to look at my face. I rub my eyes quick, hoping she won’t see that I’m crying.
“You know you’re not supposed to shove your brothers,” she says, but her voice is soft. She doesn’t sound mad.
“They were being mean,” I say, feeling like a stupid little kid.
“We were not,” Cash cries. “Why does he always have to be such a baby?”
“That’s enough,” Mom says, standing. Cash immediately closes his mouth. She looks around at us. “My boys,” she says, shaking her head. “My wild, naughty boys.” But she doesn’t say naughty like it’s a bad thing. She’s smiling at us, like we make her happy. “You need to be kind to each other,” she says, her voice a little less happy. “I don’t like the name calling and shoving. You know that.”
“Sorry,” we all chorus, even Reed. No one likes to make our mom sad.
“All right, go on and play. Be nice,” she adds, looking right at Cash and then Daltrey.
“Yes, ma’am,” they say before running off toward the woods, Reed behind them. I know they want to get out of her sight before she decides we should be punished after all. I don’t follow them.
“What’s wrong, Lennon?” she asks.
I shrug.
“Then why don’t you go play?”
I shrug again. “Just don’t feel like playing.”
She watches me for a long moment. “It’s hard, isn’t it?” she finally asks, ruffling my hair. “Being in the middle.”
I don’t really know what she means, but she smiles at me and I feel a lot better anyway. “Having older brothers and a younger brother,” she explains. She always seems to know how to explain things.
“They called me a baby,” I say, leaning into her leg. Yup, her dress smells just the way I thought it would, and it feels soft against my cheek. “And Cash said I was crying and—”
“There’s nothing wrong with crying, Lennon.” Suddenly she sits down in the grass, pulling me right up into her lap. I know I’m too big for this—I am six, after all, and Cash and Reed never sit in her lap. But they aren’t around to tease me, and it feels so nice, sitting with Mom like this.
“You’re a sensitive little guy,” she says, kissing the top of my head. “That’s a good thing.”
“What’s sensitive mean?”
She thinks for a minute. “It means you have a lot of feelings.”
I scrunch up my face. “That sounds like being a baby.”
She laughs. I love how her laugh sounds, all tinkling, like the glass music box on her dresser, the one I’m not supposed to touch. “You’re not a baby, Lennon. You’re strong, just like your brothers.” She sighs, pulling me closer. “But sometimes things are a little harder for you.”
“Because I have a lot of feelings?”
“Because you’re very smart.” Her voice doesn’t sound as happy anymore, and that icky feeling is back in my tummy. “And because you can see when things aren’t fair. And you can see when things are sad or when something makes a person feel bad. Other people ignore those things.”
I cuddle into her arms, feeling a little scared. I don’t like how her voice sounds. She squeezes me tight, and I can smell something else on her dress. Smoke maybe?
“How about you and I go inside and make some cookies?” she asks suddenly, and I sit up straight, forgetting about the smoke smell. I turn in her arms to see her face. She’s smiling.
“Just us?”
“Just us.”
“Yeah!” I jump up from her lap, making her laugh as I grab her hand and pull her up so that she’s standing. “Really?”
“Sure.” She ruffles my hair again, and I’m smiling so big my ears hurt. “There’s no one else I would rather spend the afternoon with.”
We walk to the house holding hands, Mom swinging my arm and making me laugh. I decide I don’t care so much about my brothers being mean. Cash could call me a baby all he wanted, and Reed could be unfair, and Daltrey could be a spoiled brat. It didn’t matter. Because there was no one else my mom would rather spend the afternoon with than me.
She said so herself.