She eased into the kitchen chair, trying to stretch out the muscles in her legs and jiggle some life back into them. It was break time from coding, and she needed to do something that didn’t involve a computer screen. Which meant, of course, that she was working on a cane.

She picked up the long piece of pine that her dad had brought back from his last hunt; he’d gone out for an elk hunt but had picked up some branches for her, too. After curing and straightening them for her, it was then up to her to make something beautiful out of them.

This particular stick was turning out exceptionally well, with the pattern of the wood showing through nicely. The warm honey glow of the pine made it feel like a warm lap blanket you could snuggle down with…a lap blanket that happened to be made out of pine, of course.

She looked up from her carving to peer out the kitchen window into the white expanse outside. Winter had hit, and with a vengeance. It’d been snowing most of the day, which was both so peaceful to watch as the snowflakes slowly drifted down, and depressing as hell.

Because this meant that it would be the big sledding party over at the Miller’s house today. Her eyes flicked to her phone and then back out the window again. It was white and peaceful and beautiful as far as the eye could see. The old Iris, the six-months-ago Iris, would’ve been throwing on snow pants and boots, going outside into the white world with her sled, heading over to the Miller place so she could join the throngs of people enjoying the best sledding hill in the county. 

The Iris of six months ago was damn spoiled, and hadn’t even realized it.

Her willpower broke, and she snatched up her phone, opening the Facebook app and scrolling through for the event invitation. Sure enough, on the Long Valley Facebook page, Jennifer had posted an open invitation to anyone in Long Valley to come sled in their backyard. Iris hadn’t been home for one of the Miller sledding parties in years, but she could still remember how amazing Carmelita’s hot cocoa was, and how much fun that hill was.

She closed her eyes, ignoring the hot prick of…water in her eyes. They were just tired from trying to concentrate on a computer screen for hours on end. And anyway, what was she thinking, looking at her phone while on her break? The whole point of her break was not to look at a computer. She couldn’t give into temptation like that again. She had to just keep going. No point in looking back.

No point in wishing for what she couldn’t have. She turned back to the walking-stick-in-the-making in front of her. She could make beautiful canes and walking sticks. This was something she could do. And she loved doing it.

And that would just have to be good enough.

She swallowed hard. 

Ugh. 

Things she loved…like Declan Miller.

Even now, after a month and a half of being with him (this time around, anyway), she couldn’t understand what he saw in her. Didn’t he look at her and wish for his old Iris back? Didn’t he wonder what life could’ve been like, if she hadn’t been so tired one night? 

And what did he think was going to happen? Where was their relationship going? She’d still never gathered up the courage to force him to tell her why he’d broken up with her to begin with. The real reason. She didn’t believe, not for one second, that he suddenly felt a burning desire to attend the U of I because they had a better ag program. That was total bullshit, and she knew it.

But even if she somehow found her backbone at some point – and a large part of her knew she needed to, and pronto – and the reason he gave was rational – although she couldn’t begin to guess what a rational reason could be, and she’d had a lot of years to spend guessing – they still couldn’t get married. He couldn’t marry Iris. Maybe he just hadn’t thought about it. Maybe this was just some sort of fun fling until he found someone he could really marry and have kids with.

Because God only knew, she wasn’t that person. She couldn’t climb into his pickup truck without him helping her in, and every time he did, she was still afraid she was going to fall on her head and get a second brain injury on the console.

And that was just his truck! She couldn’t grow a garden. She couldn’t can green beans. She couldn’t go help him stack hay bales in preparation for winter. She couldn’t even bake cookies without practically setting the house on fire.

She couldn’t be a farmer’s wife. And someday, Declan was going to wise up and figure that out.

And she was gonna be in a world of hurt when he did.

And yet somehow, she couldn’t make herself break up with him. Even though she knew, absolutely knew without a doubt, that it’d be the smart thing to do.

For someone who prided herself on being intelligent, she sure was acting dumb.