CHAPTER 4

 

 

A couple of weeks passed, and things hadn’t gotten any better between Justin and me. Rather than taunt me, he’d resigned himself to just ignoring me altogether.

The house had four bedrooms. Since I’d turned one of them into an exercise room, Justin used the other one as an office during the day. His muffled voice could often be heard from behind the door as he made work calls. Apparently, the company he worked for sold business solutions software.

Jade and I were working almost every night at Sandy’s as well as the occasional afternoon. One day in particular, we were on break when we overheard the restaurant owner, Salvatore, complaining that the band who performed most nights had suddenly quit. Sandy’s was probably the most popular spot on the entire island for live music. That’s what it was known for even more than the food. So, this didn’t bode well for business.

Jade’s voice was low. “I wonder if Justin would be interested in playing here.”

I’d been feeling kind of sick as it was this afternoon, but the mere mention of his name made my stomach feel even more unsettled.

“You think he would want to perform in a place like this?”

“Well, he’s used to bigger venues, but it’s not like he’s doing anything else. He took the summer off, but I get the feeling he actually regrets it. He’s been in a horrible mood since we got here. I think he’s itching to play again. It might do him some good to get back in the game for a bit on a smaller scale. It’s not like there would be any pressure. No one knows him out here.”

The thought of getting to see Justin perform gave me goosebumps. On one hand, it would be amazing. On the other, I knew it would be painful for me to have to endure him here at night. His actually agreeing to it probably wouldn’t pan out, so I vowed not to obsess over it unless it became a reality.

“I’m gonna talk to Salvatore,” Jade said.

I tried to change the subject. “Do you think you and Justin will get married?” Not sure why I asked that question. I’d been curious as to how serious they were, and it just came out.

Jade hesitated. “I don’t know. I really love him. I hope so if we can work out our differences.”

“Differences? Like what?”

She took a sip of her water then frowned. “Well, Justin doesn’t want kids.”

“What? He told you that?”

“Yeah. He says he feels it’s irresponsible to bring children into the world unless you can be one-hundred percent sure of your capabilities as a parent. He says he doesn’t feel that his own parents should have ever had children, and he just doesn’t think it’s for him.”

“Really…”

“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want kids anytime soon. My career comes first right now, but someday I would like to have them. So, if he definitely doesn’t want kids, then that could be a problem.”

“He’ll probably change his mind as he gets older. He’s still so young.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. It’s really bad. He won’t even have sex with me without a condom, even though I’m on the pill and we’re monogamous. He refuses to take even the slightest chance because he’s so fearful. He’s super paranoid.”

Trying to block out the images of them having sex, I simply said, “Wow.”

It made me really sad that Justin felt that way because of his parents. They were constantly working and never paid enough attention to him when we were kids. His mother was always away on business trips. That was part of why Nana was so important to him. Truthfully, my mother shouldn’t have had a child either. But her poor parenting didn’t stop me from wanting to have a child of my own someday.

Jade took a closer look at my face. “Are you feeling alright?”

I think the stress of my reunion with Justin was finally catching up with me. My nerves were shot, and it was all making me sick.

“Actually, I’ve been feeling ill all day. My stomach is upset, and I have a headache.”

“Why don’t you go home early? I’ll cover your shift and let Janine know what’s up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll owe you then.”

“Believe me, there will come a time that I get called back to New York, and you’ll make due on that.”

“Okay,” I said, getting up and unfastening the black smock tied around my back.

The entire walk home, despite my vowing not to think about it, my thoughts once again turned to Justin and the fact that Jade was going to try to get him the gig at Sandy’s. It had been years since I’d heard his singing voice. I wondered what it sounded like now that it was deeper and with years of practice.

Justin’s older black Range Rover was parked outside of the house. He was expecting Jade and I to both be at work. I had to pass through the kitchen to get upstairs to my room and hoped I didn’t have to run into him without Jade here as a buffer.

Relief washed over me as I entered the empty kitchen. I grabbed a water bottle and some Advil for my headache and tiptoed up the stairs so that Justin didn’t notice me home.

The sound of heavy breathing coming from his bedroom stopped me in my tracks at the top of the stairwell. I could hear sheets rustling. My heart beat faster. He didn’t think anyone would be home.

Oh my God.

He must have a girl in there.

Shit.

How could he do that to Jade?

I had to pass his room to get to mine anyway. Thank goodness Nana had this hallway carpeted. Covering my chest with my hand, I crept slowly toward his door which was cracked open. I closed my eyes briefly to prepare myself for what I might witness when I peeked inside.

Nothing could have prepared me for the reality behind that door.

There was no girl.

Justin’s eyes were tightly shut as he lay back on the bed—alone. His jeans were undone, halfway down his legs. His left hand was firmly wrapped around his enormous cock as he pressed down on his balls with his other hand.

Holy mother of…

Swallowing the saliva building in my mouth, I watched the movement of his hand as he stroked himself hard in a twisting motion. He’d gotten himself so aroused that you could hear the slick sound of the wetness as he pumped into his palm.

I knew that watching him was absolutely wrong. In fact, this was probably the lowest thing I’d ever done. But there was absolutely no way I could look away. No. Way. If this were going to be the reason I went to hell, then so be it. I’d never witnessed something so intense, never imagined that he could be deriving so much pleasure alone.

I wanted to see how this ended.

I needed to see how it ended.

Justin’s mouth was agape, the tip of his tongue slowly sliding back and forth across his bottom lip as if it were seeking out the taste of something or someone.

I wanted it to be me.

My own body was shaking, my clit throbbing. The ache to be with him, to join him was immense. So enraptured in every move he made, I was no longer thinking about whether my watching him was right or wrong.

Hypnotized.

He was fisting the sheets with one hand now while fucking his palm faster. With every movement, my muscles clenched tighter. I was wet, bewildered at my mind’s complete surrender to my body.

The low and deep groans of pleasure that came out of his mouth were making it that much worse. I knew wholeheartedly that this—watching him pleasure himself—was the single biggest turn on I had ever experienced. Getting off was normally such work for me. I needed my vibrator and porn and even then, sometimes it was impossible to relax enough to really make myself come. Right now, I had to cross my legs to control the need building between them.

As he licked over his bottom lip again, my own tongue tingled as I imagined what his wet mouth would feel like against my own lips. As he pumped into his hand, I imagined that it was me wrapped around his cock. I had never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted him in that moment.

His dark golden hair was matted and messy as the back of his head pressed against the headboard. The clank of his belt buckle became more pronounced as he thrust his hips, his fist working harder to keep up. The intensity of his self-pleasure left me in total awe.

His breathing became even more ragged as his eyes rolled back. I swallowed hard and watched, mesmerized as streams of cum shot out from his large crown like a fountain. The grunts of pleasure escaping him as he orgasmed were just about the sexiest sounds I’d ever heard come out of a man’s mouth.

My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. Watching this whole thing unfold had made me totally lose sense of reality. I felt like I’d been experiencing every movement, every feeling right along with him, except I wasn’t allowed to come. It was as if I’d seriously lost my mind in the process. That was the only thing that could possibly explain why my body decided to betray me, letting out an involuntary sigh….moan? I wasn’t sure and couldn’t even tell you what it was except to say whatever sound I made caused Justin to jump back. His head whipped toward me, and his shocked eyes met mine for a brief second before I ran back down the stairs.

Humiliated.

Mortified.

My heart felt like it was in my mouth. Escaping out the front door and down to the water, I continued to run aimlessly on the sand. At one point, about a mile down the beach, it became necessary to stop and catch my breath, even though I wanted to keep running. I’d gotten so wrapped up in Justin that I’d forgotten how sick I was this afternoon. It was all hitting me again as I stumbled over to the shoreline and vomited into the ocean.

I collapsed into the sand and must have sat there for over an hour. The sun was starting to go down, and the tide was coming in. It felt like everything was closing in on me. I knew I couldn’t avoid going home forever.

What if he told Jade what I’d done?

That I was watching him.

Oh God.

He was going to crucify me for this.

What excuse could I possibly give him that would explain why I was hiding behind his door, watching him ejaculate like it was a Fourth of July fireworks performance?

I decided that I needed to get home before Jade did. Maybe I could convince him not to say anything. Brushing the sand off my thighs, I made my way back over to the house.

My heart nearly stopped upon finding Justin standing in the kitchen, drinking out of a half-gallon of orange juice. I stood silently behind him and watched as he put the container back.

Justin turned around and finally noticed me standing there. His hair was wet, making it appear brown instead of blond. He must have taken a shower to wash away the awkwardness of our encounter. Looking painfully handsome in a brown distressed t-shirt that fit his chest like a glove, he just stared me down.

Here it comes.

I braced myself for his humiliating words. My heart was beating out of my chest as he just continued to look at me blankly without saying anything. He slowly walked toward me, and all of the muscles in my body tightened. He was going to get in my face and do it.

Shit.

Justin stood inches away from me. He smelled so effing good, like soap and cologne. I could feel the heat of his body, and my knees started to feel weak. He stared deeply into my eyes. It wasn’t necessarily an angry glare, but it wasn’t a happy or amused look either.

After several seconds of silence, he took a deep breath in and said, “You smell like vomit.”

Just as I opened my mouth to respond, he turned around and walked away back toward the stairs before disappearing.

That was it?

I smelled like vomit?

He was going to let the whole thing go? Or was he just saving it for later when Jade came home? I would have to wait anxiously to find out.

 

***

 

Business at Sandy’s had really suffered since losing The Ruckus—their headlining band. Salvatore had managed to fill the spot each night with mediocre local talent, but people were noticing the difference. The place would empty out much earlier than normal, and we weren’t getting as many customers in general.

I knew that Jade had spoken to Justin about taking on a few nights, but last I’d heard, he wasn’t interested. So, you could imagine my surprise when he turned up at Sandy’s one early Friday evening with his guitar strap wrapped around him.

At first, I didn’t realize it was him until he looked over at me. Butterflies swarmed in my stomach the moment I noticed him standing near the door, looking like he didn’t know where to go. Since it was unseasonably cool out, he was wearing a navy hoodie and a beanie. God, he looked sexy in that hat. It always seemed to bring out his eyes. Really, he looked sexy in anything, but today, he was particularly hot because he also hadn’t shaved in days.

Given how he’d treated me, my physical attraction to him never ceased to amaze me. It was easier to focus on the physical, I suppose. Justin’s exterior, which was so different from what I remembered, helped distract from what I knew was inside. The truth was, as much as I wanted him physically, it still didn’t compare to the longing that remained for my old friend. Somewhere hidden beneath the brawn and beauty, I knew he was still in there, and that frustrated me.

As far as I knew, Justin never mentioned the jerk-off encounter to Jade, nor did he torture me about it. I didn’t know why he decided to give me a pass on that, but I was eternally grateful.

Jade had gotten called out of town for an audition this morning. I’d assumed that he was going to go back with her.

I stopped wiping the table I’d been cleaning and walked over to him. “What are you doing here?”

He lifted his guitar from around his neck. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

“I thought you went to New York with Jade.”

“She’s not going to be gone very long. And I already committed to this...gig.” He’d said it almost scornfully.

“I thought you were against playing here. I overheard you telling Jade that you’d rather perform at a prison than a lowly beach hut.”

“Yeah. Well, I guess she showed your boss some footage of me, and he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”

“How long will you be playing here?”

“I don’t know. A few weeks. Until we leave.”

“You’re not staying the whole summer?”

“No. That was never the plan.”

Disappointment set in. I should have been happy that he was leaving soon, but hearing that news had the opposite effect on me.

“Wow. Okay. Well…do you need me to show you around?”

“I’m good,” he said before walking away from me, heading toward the back of the restaurant.

Justin disappeared for at least an hour. He was scheduled to perform at eight, so he had about twenty minutes to go before show time.

My curiosity got the best of me as I went in search of him. The door to one of the back rooms was cracked open, and I could see him downing a bottle of beer and looking stressed. I wondered if he ever got nervous before a show. Even though he considered performing here a joke, he was still going to be putting himself out there.

His eyes darted to the side, and he noticed me standing there. We just stared at each other. It was ironic, but the only times I could ever feel the remnants of our old connection were in fleeting moments of silent eye contact. Sometimes moments of silence spoke the loudest.

I left him alone again, making my way back down the hall and into the restaurant to tend to the customers I’d been ignoring.

Things really started to get busy. Without Jade working tonight, we were short-staffed, and I was having a hard time keeping up with the orders. Sandy’s had indoor and outdoor seating. Normally, I would only be working one section, but tonight I was going back and forth between the two.

It was nice out, so I knew they would have Justin performing outside. I kept glancing over to the small stage to see if he was there. It was past eight, and he hadn’t made an appearance yet.

Sometime close to eight-thirty, I was in the middle of serving a large party of ten when I first heard it: the chilling sound of a soulful voice that was not familiar in the least. He gave no introduction. No warning. He just started to sing out the first few words, followed by the strum of his guitar. The song that Justin had chosen to start with was a cover of Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers.

The entire room soon quieted down, and all eyes were on the stunning blond male specimen with the spotlight shining down on him. Despite the fact that I was carrying a large round tray of dirty dishes, I couldn’t move. The vibration of his thick, smoky singing voice had completely paralyzed me, penetrating my body and soul.

Aside from the lone teardrop that fell the night he lost it on me during steak dinner, I hadn’t shed any more tears—until now. It was all too much. Hearing how different his voice sounded, how he’d trained it over the years, was a wake-up call as to how much I had missed. All of the hours of practice that must have gone into honing that beautiful voice, and I wasn’t there for any of it. The guilt, the emotions, the reality of a decade gone…everything started to pummel me at once. Not to mention the song—about a girl leaving. It probably had nothing to do with me, but in my mind, it sure as hell felt like it did.

You had to have true talent to perform solo acoustically. All eyes were on you and nothing else. There were no distractions to take away from a cracked voice or any other screw ups. Justin sang the song flawlessly. The vibration of his voice was like a deep massage to my entire being. My heart filled with pride. Whether he liked it or not, I was so damn proud of him.

At the same time, I felt a rush of antsy excitement, much like a teenager seeing a boy band in concert. Adrenaline was pumping through me. A part of me wanted to just shout, “This is my Justin! I knew him way back when.” Another part of me wanted to rush the stage and wrap my arms around him.

The way his fingers worked the guitar effortlessly almost rivaled the sexiness of his voice. Women were starting to leave their tables, throwing money down at his feet.

Jesus.

Did they think he would start undressing or something if they gave him enough? I’d just never seen anyone throw money around here like that before. They certainly never threw dollar bills at The Ruckus. I guess that was just the type of effect Justin had on women.

By the third song, I needed a breather. Retreating to the bathroom, I splashed water on my face before returning to the tables just in time to hear him finally speak into the microphone in a low and sultry voice.

“I’m Justin Banks from New York City. I’ll be here for the next few weeks. Thanks for coming out tonight.”

Applause and a few whistles rang out. My focus on Justin had prevented me from tending to my customers. A few of them were waving me down, antsy for refills, so I took their orders and made my way over to the bar.

Justin took a sip of beer then spoke through the mic again. “This next song is an original I recently wrote myself. Hope you like it.” He strummed the guitar once and added, “It’s called, She Likes to Watch.”

My body stilled upon hearing the title, and it took a few seconds to register.

“This song goes out to all the sneaky little voyeurs out there. You know who you are.”

The retaliation that I’d assumed he’d waived was in fact simply delayed and about to be dished out in all its glory. I refused to look over toward the stage. The bartender placed the drinks in front of me, and I forced my wobbly legs to move long enough to drop them off to their rightful owners before the song started.

 

She pretends to be a good girl,

Quiet and refined.

But Daddy always said,

Those are the worst kind.

Turns out he was right.

As I found out the other night...

 

She likes to watch.

Mmm hmm…she likes to watch.

You think you are alone,

Until you hear that little moan.

She likes to watch.

Mmm hmm…she likes to watch.

 

She’ll catch you naked and exposed,

When you think the door is closed.

She’s a princess and a voyeur,

Curiosity will destroy her.

Maybe therapy will heal ya,

It’s not too late for you, Amelia.

She likes to watch.

Mmm hmm…she likes to watch.

And my kinky little friend,

Insists on staying till the end.

She likes to watch.

Mmm hmm…she likes to watch.

 

When the song eventually ended, the crowd went wild. They apparently loved the idea behind it. Did he really have to put my name in there? A part of me was mortified, but I had to admit, there was another part of me that was…relieved. His writing the song was a little reminder of the way things used to be.

When I finally garnered the courage to look over at him, he flashed a mischievous smile before moving right into the next song. I’m sure he could tell by the look on my face that he’d successfully managed to embarrass me.

Well played.

 

***

 

Back at the house that night, Justin retreated to his room without as much as one word to me. It felt a little strange knowing that we were alone for the first time without Jade. The feeling was short-lived though.

At eleven the next morning, I was still in bed when I heard the front door open. I could hear the muffled sounds of Jade and Justin’s voices as she joined him in their bedroom. She must have left the city really early in the morning to come back here.

As much as I really liked Jade, something was unsettling about her return. There was always an underlying jealousy that I couldn’t help feeling. When the bed started creaking, nausea set in.

Damn.

She was home all of three minutes before pouncing on him. I couldn’t say I blamed her one bit, but I really didn’t want to hear it. I covered my head with my pillow, shut my eyes and reminded myself that they would both be gone in a few weeks.

Three weeks.

Around noon, I threw on a terry cloth sundress before joining Justin and Jade downstairs. The sun pouring into the kitchen was blinding.

Justin smirked and lifted the carafe. “Coffee?”

I flashed an exaggerated smile. “You know what? Yes. I would love some.”

Determined to continue my façade about loving Justin’s coffee, I refused to back down. Sadly, my body was becoming accustomed to the unusually high level of caffeine. The one morning I’d skipped it, the regular coffee hadn’t done the trick. I was becoming addicted to Justin’s coffee fusion, and that really sucked.

“So, how was Sandy’s last night? Did my baby rock the house?”

“He was amazing. Everyone loved him.”

Justin’s eyes met mine for a brief moment. I wanted him to know that I sincerely meant that.

He brushed it off. “It was fine. It’ll give me something to do to pass the time here.”

“What did you play?”

“I tried out a new song.”

I swallowed.

“The one you played for me the other night?” she asked.

“No. A different one.”

It dawned on me that Justin probably chose to perform She Likes To Watch last night in particular only because Jade wasn’t there. It still baffled me that he was keeping the whole incident to himself when he could have just told her and embarrassed the shit out of me.

He smiled at me. “Want a refill, Amelia?”

I smiled bigger. “Don’t mind if I do. This stuff is really growing on me. Quite a surprise.”

“Well, I know you love surprises.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Thankfully, Jade had no way of knowing what he was referring to.

His serving me coffee continued to be a running joke. He thought I was drinking the mud to spite him. The joke was on him. He didn’t realize I was becoming addicted to it and actually truly wanted it. The morning coffee exchange was the only real opportunity for normal communication with him anyway, so I took what I could get.

Jade raked her fingers through Justin’s messy morning hair. “I noticed Olivia commented on your Instagram post last night.”

Looking upset, he moved Jade’s hand off of him. “Jade…don’t.”

I had to ask. “Who’s Olivia?”

“Justin’s ex. She works in the music industry and is really annoying. She comments on all his stuff, even though she knows he has a girlfriend. So disrespectful.”

“I can’t help that she comments on my shit,” he growled.

I was sure there were many former girlfriends.

Olivia.

Huh.

Was I seriously jealous of someone else now, too, when I had no right to be jealous at all? That was pretty pathetic. My jealousy when it came to him was certainly nothing new.

My inability to handle these feelings was a big factor in my moving away and ultimately changed the course of our lives.

 

***