My mess was waiting for me just inside the doors of the K&M building the next morning.
I didn’t see him until I’d already whisked through the revolving door. The moment I did, I froze, one foot wanting to carry me backward, the other wanting to propel me forward.
My decision was made for me when Soren’s gaze fell on me. His shoulders fell as a heavy breath spilled from his mouth. He looked . . . relieved.
Why was he relieved?
Why did it look like he was about to throw his arms around me as he dashed toward me?
“You’re okay. Thank god.” He dropped his backpack and baseball bag on the floor when he stopped in front of me, his arms going around my back as he pulled me into his chest.
My arms were frozen at my sides as he held me a few moments before letting go. His eyes roamed me when he stepped back. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept. Bloodshot whites of the eyes, dark hollows, a couple days of scruff dotting his face. Even his shirt was on inside out.
“What happened? Where have you been? Are you okay?” His eyes did another careful sweep, checking me over again.
“Soren, I’m fine,” I said after swallowing the ball in my throat.
He’d been worried about me last night. I should have called or shot him a quick text to let him know I was okay and spending the night with Jane and Ariel or something.
“Where were you? You never came home last night. I tried calling you a million times.” He rolled his neck, making it pop a few times.
“Can we talk about this later? I’ve got a meeting in a few minutes.”
He slid in front of me when I tried to move around him. “What the hell is going on?” His hand drilled into my stomach when I tried moving by again. “I was up all night, losing my shit that something had happened to you, and here you are this morning, just fine, and aren’t going to give me any kind of an explanation?” He moved his head so it was in front of mine. “You owe the guy who called every hospital and minor emergency clinic in this city an explanation.”
The ball was lodged right back in my throat. I guessed it wouldn’t go away for a while. “You called hospitals? Soren, I was fine.”
“But how in the hell was I supposed to know that? I get home last night, knowing we were supposed to have a serious discussion, and you’re not there. I try calling you, probably more times than one guy has ever tried calling a girl in a twelve-hour period. You don’t answer. I freak the hell out. What else am I supposed to do besides start calling every friend, family member, and hospital I can get a hold of?”
I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I thought that was making him more upset than my unwillingness to explain what had happened last night.
“No one knew where you were. No one had a fucking clue. Do you know what I went through last night?”
Something he’d said caught up to me. “Did you say my family?”
Soren’s head moved. “Yeah. I called them.”
“You called my family to ask if they knew where I was?” My voice elevated. “How did you get their number?”
“I looked up a Hastings, Nebraska, phone book online. It wasn’t hard.”
My hand shoved into my purse, searching for my phone to turn it on. My mom was already under the impression New York was full of thieves and murderers. “They’re probably freaking out.”
“Yeah, they probably are. That’s what people do when people they care about suddenly disappear.” Soren’s voice had risen as well, his face flushing from what I assumed was anger.
When my phone powered up, I found I’d missed a bunch of calls from my mom. I needed to call her to let her know I was okay—I wouldn’t put it past her to be on her way now, ready to search every dumpster and back alley if need be.
“Why did you do that?” I asked, feeling my own pulse of anger.
He blinked at me, his expression suggesting I couldn’t be seriously asking that. “Because you didn’t come home last night. Because I couldn’t get a hold of you. Because I fucking care.”
When I glanced at the time on my phone, I knew he was missing his first class of the day. He’d probably miss the second too. He’d gotten no sleep. He’d called hospitals, friends, and family trying to find me. He looked like he’d journeyed through the depths of hell and just made it out, barely alive.
Guilt poured over me. An endless stream of scalding, petrifying goop.
I hadn’t just made a mess. I’d crafted a catastrophe.
“We can talk later,” I said, pushing his hand away and trying for the elevators again.
I didn’t make it far. Soren’s hand formed around my wrist, stilling me. “Like we were supposed to talk last night?”
My chest ached, imagining what last night could have been. Then I forced myself to harden, encasing myself in impenetrable armor. “You were planning on something else last night.” My voice was poison in vocal form.
His jaw worked, his hold around my wrist staying strong. “I was planning on whatever you needed last night.”
I knew that. But I couldn’t admit that when I was trying to push him away. “Obviously, I needed to be alone,” I stated slowly. “That should answer your question.”
“And what about everything you said? Everything you admitted? What was that? Make-believe? Something I just conjured up in my imagination?”
People were staring at us as they moved by, but I didn’t care that we had an audience. Maybe a public setting was better than being alone with him because being alone with Soren was a bad idea. For so many reasons.
I stopped pulling against him, twisting around so I was directly facing him. Then I gathered up whatever wits I had left to get out the next part. “I was drunk.” My shoulders lifted as I crossed my arms. “That’s why I said all of that. And . . . did all of that.”
The corners of Soren’s eyes creased, his feet carrying him a few steps back. “You were drunk?”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I nodded.
“You had two glasses of champagne over the course of a few hours. That’s not drunk.” His hand went behind his head, adjusting the ball cap lower on his head. “Your inhibitions were lowered. You said and did exactly what you wanted to do. Exactly what you’d been too scared to say or do for weeks.”
My feet shifted. “I’m sorry, but you’ve got it totally wrong. I don’t see you like that at all.”
His head fell back into the cradle of his hands as he shook his head at the ceiling. Then he collected his backpack and baseball bag, his gaze sticking to me before moving toward the doors. “Fine.” The word echoed in the spacious lobby. “You want to play this game? You want to play the game? I’ll play along.”
My chest ached again as I watched him move away from me, realizing I’d successfully pushed him away. “I’m not playing a game.”
“Sure, you are. First point goes to you, but don’t get cocky.” He paused at the revolving doors, his mouth twisting into a dark smile. “I’ll win.”
In short, today had sucked. In detail, today had topped the charts of worst day ever, going back to ancient history, spanning into distant future.
Getting through a long work day with Soren’s confrontation at the front of my mind was next to impossible. I’d only made it thanks to copious amounts of caffeine and denial.
The first thing I’d done after Soren shoved out of the revolving door, was call my mom and assure her a thousand times that I was okay and apologize for “worrying her sick.” After fifteen minutes of repeating I was okay, she finally seemed to accept that no disaster had found me.
The next matter of business had been texting my friends who’d also been worried about me, letting them know I was accounted for and unscathed. I didn’t realize Soren knew who all of my friends were until I had to get back to just about every contact in my phone.
When Ellis handed off my updated portfolio later that morning, he wasn’t acting any different than usual. He was back in his suit and barely had five minutes to spare for me. I’d totally let whatever happened last night get blown out of proportion in my head. Nothing creepy or unusual had gone down. Other than my own behavior.
After flipping through the new photos he was passing on to the “colossal” client, I realized he’d only added the nude poses from the start of the shoot. The ones where I’d gone out of my way to ensure my lady bits and pieces weren’t displayed. He said my expression looked awkward in the more revealing shots.
No wonder. It had been awkward being naked and hovered over by my agent who was sporting wood an arm’s length away.
It was after ten at night by the time I emerged from the subway tunnel close to the apartment. It had been a busy day, and I might have gone out of my way to make it extra busy since I was dreading whatever was waiting for me inside the apartment.
Soren had gotten some stuff off his chest this morning—but I knew there’d be more. He wasn’t the type who boxed stuff up or swept it under the rug.
My eyes wandered down the hall toward Mrs. Lopez’s apartment, and I wondered when I’d finally catch a glimpse of her. Next, I found myself wondering why I felt so heartbroken over pushing away the guy who was possibly banging the neighbor next door?
The bathroom door was closed, the sound of the shower cranking. With it being Monday, I knew Soren had worked a shift at the pub after school and practice. I’d been hoping to come home and find him passed out at the table, asleep on his books like I found him some mornings. He hadn’t gotten any sleep last night and had had a packed schedule today. He had to be tired.
Maybe after the shower, he’d be too tired to talk. Maybe he’d just want to crawl into bed. Maybe if I kept getting home late enough for the next couple of weeks, he’d just forget about the whole thing. It would become a distant memory. Never surfacing again.
Maybe not, I realized as I moved past the bathroom into the apartment. For doing a decent job of keeping his mess under wraps, he’d really let loose tonight. Baseball gear and his dirty uniform were scattered around the floor, his jockstraps hanging from the ceiling fan again. Dishes were scattered around the table and the kitchen, wads of crumpled up homework paper placed everywhere besides the inside of the garbage can. If this wasn’t his way of sending a message, I didn’t know what was.
I wasn’t sure if it was more a fuck you or a fuck me, but it unmistakingly gave the fuck it vibe.
Sighing, I did my best to ignore the disaster and headed for my clean, organized area. After changing into my pajamas, I waited a few minutes for him to finish his shower. Wasn’t happening. No way there was any hot water left. He’d been in there forever and who knew who long he’d been in before I got home.
Meandering back out into the apartment, I passed a few more minutes by pacing. I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but I couldn’t stand going to bed without brushing my teeth, and my toothbrush was in the bathroom.
As I paced, my eyes kept flickering to the jocks hanging from the fan. Mr. Giant. Jane’s latest nickname for Soren kept playing in my head until I found myself stepping onto one of the chairs and reaching for the nearest swinging jockstrap. Goodness gracious, what was I doing? I chided myself even as my fingers clasped the small tag inside the cup region so I could read . . .
XL
Mister Giant.
My legs teetered on the chair, practically spilling me over before I caught myself. Letting go of the tag, I lowered myself back to the floor, my face on fire as I glanced toward the bathroom to make sure he hadn’t caught me spying on the size of his jockstrap.
Why was I behaving like this? Like a shallow, petty girl who messed with a boy’s heart—and jockstraps—and played games like a seasoned pro? I didn’t play games. I’d heard of them, but I didn’t know the first rule or requirement of them.
Was I though? Playing some game? Playing a bunch of them?
Yeah, I liked Soren. No, I couldn’t be honest with him about that. It wasn’t a game I was playing; it was a matter of survival. The only man I’d been close to and loved had left. My dad. I never wanted to open myself up to that kind of pain again. I didn’t want to be left. Abandoned. I didn’t want to hurt someone because of those fears.
I couldn’t fall in love with Soren Decker. There was no deceit in that—it was one of the few truths I knew.
“Soren?” I made my way to the bathroom door and rapped on it.
No answer.
“Soren?” I tried, louder this time.
“Yeah?” he called from inside, the shower still blasting.
I pushed past the pain in my chest from hearing his voice. “I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. How much longer are you going to be?”
“A while.”
My forehead fell against the door as I calculated how long it would take me to get to the twenty-four-hour convenience store a half a mile away.
“You can just come in and brush your teeth if you want. I don’t care.”
Something about the way he said the last part made me shift in place. “You’re going to still be a while?”
“Yep.”
“And you’re not doing your . . .” I cleared my throat. “Self-love right now?”
“Took care of that earlier,” was his immediate response, making me glare at the door like Mrs. Lopez was about to show up with a plate of cookies and wearing lingerie.
“You sure you don’t mind?”
“Hayden, I don’t care what you do, okay?”
All right. So much for playing whatever game he’d thought I was interested in. He was not looking to score any points or win whatever game this had been as of this morning.
“Coming in,” I announced, opening the door and stepping inside. A plume of steam rolled over me, instantly coating my skin in a hot, dewy shield. “Hot shower?”
“Hell of a lot better than the cold one I took a couple of nights ago.”
His voice echoed off the walls as I focused on squeezing a glob of toothpaste onto my brush. It was difficult. I found myself quite distracted by the knowledge he was naked behind that thin shower curtain, a whole three feet away.
Just as I was about to stick my toothbrush into my mouth, the shower cranked off, the curtain whipping open right after.
Soren. Wet. Exposed.
Giant.
My eyes clamped shut, but it wasn’t fast enough. From the low chuckle he gave, he hadn’t missed my two-second gape.
“Soren!”
“Sorry. Water got cold.”
I gave him a few seconds to cover up before I opened my eyes and got back to brushing my teeth. He hadn’t covered up though.
“What are you doing? Grab a towel.” My arm flailed in the direction of where we kept our fresh towels hanging from the rack. My eyes felt like they were about to go crossed from staying focused on my reflection instead of his naked one in the same mirror.
“Out of fresh towels. Haven’t gotten around to the laundry.” He moved up beside me at the sink, reaching for his own toothbrush. He was standing so close, his wet arm was brushing against mine.
Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look at the giant—
Crap. I looked.
He was grinning at me as he brushed his teeth, my face crimson thanks to what I’d glanced at.
“See anything you like?”
My body was still buzzing from what I’d seen that I liked. I kind of hated him for calling me out on it though. I kind of even hated him for having so much to like.
“I know what you’re doing.” My eyebrow rounded as I got to work brushing my teeth too.
He spit in the sink, somehow winding up closer to me when he leaned back up. “Air drying?”
My eyes narrowed in the mirror at him. “Trying to change my mind.”
He stared back, brushing his teeth in all of his naked glory, a cocky tenor to his expression. Once he finished brushing, he rinsed his toothbrush and turned toward the door.
“I don’t need to change your mind,” he said, pausing when he was directly behind me.
When he turned, I swore I could feel his arms coming around me, pulling me into the shelter of his strong body. An involuntary shudder spilled down my back. He didn’t miss that either.
“I just need you to speak it instead of lying about it.” His eyes dropped to the back of my neck, where I knew he could see the raised flesh. I knew, because one side of his mouth lifted.
Bracing my hands on the sink, I didn’t blink as I locked eyes with him in the mirror. “It takes a lot more than washboard abs and a giant . . .” Crap. Something else. “Ego to get my attention.”
Soren leaned forward, his hands framing around the outsides of mine, his arms running the length of mine. His chest didn’t touch my back, but I could feel its expanse hovering above it. “I’ve already gotten your attention.” His eyes dropped from mine to my chest. Where it was rising and falling noticeably hard, my nipples pushing through my camisole. “I’m looking for something else.”
Another shudder, this one spilling down my legs. “What?”
His crooked smile changed into a cryptic one before he leaned back and opened the door. “You’ll see.”
“Soren—”
“Don’t worry. I’ll tell you when you give it to me.”
My fist curled around my toothbrush as I turned toward him. “I’m not giving you anything.”
“You’re giving me something right now.” He didn’t glance back before leaving the bathroom. Did he really need to have that nice of an ass when he already had a glorious package? I was screwed. “This point goes to Decker.”