C.S. LEWIS ONCE SAID, “LIFE is too deep for words, so don’t try to describe it, just live it.”
That quote simplifies my whole existence. It reminds me to let the past be the past, let the present be the present, and let the future be the future. For a man who loves control, I’ve learned sometimes you just have to let go. I’m not afraid to do that anymore, because I know if I fall (which I do a lot) there is always someone there to catch me. And she catches me every single time.
I watch Ellie playing with AJ in the backyard from the kitchen. He wants her to pick him up, but she’s doing everything in her power to keep him on the ground. She’s eight months pregnant with our second child, and I know she’s exhausted. AJ demands most of her attention. The two-and-a-half-year-old is as aggressive as his father and as loving as his mother. He’s the perfect split, right down to his looks. My face with Ellie’s green eyes and light-brown hair.
“Okay, time for some juice and a rest.” She carries AJ into the house.
“Dwink! Dwink!” he demands.
“Bossy little thing,” Ellie comments as she grabs a juice box from the refrigerator and then sits AJ on the countertop next to me. “Wonder where you get that from?” she jokes with him, and he smiles from her playful tone.
I smile, too. What can I say? Like father, like son.
“How’s my girl?” I put my arm around Ellie as AJ sucks down his apple juice.
“Busy.” She grabs my hand and puts it on her stomach so I can feel the flutters. “She always knows when you’re close. She’s a daddy’s girl already. I’m going to get replaced pretty soon.”
“No one could ever replace you.” I lift her chin with one finger. “When I asked how my girl was, I meant you.”
“Oh, well, in that case, I feel fat, bloated, and completely unattractive.”
“Nonsense. I see sexy, alluring, and completely gorgeous.”
“Daddy needs his eyes examined,” she says flippantly to AJ, once again causing him to giggle.
As much as she complains about being fat and tired and pregnant, to me she really is the sexiest thing in the world. No amount of chains or collars or restraints can compare to the way she looks in a sundress with a baby growing in her belly.
Being a father changed me profoundly. I always thought I saw Ellie, but I didn’t. Not really, not the way I see her now. I’m completely consumed with love—love for her, love for our children, and love for this life I was miraculously blessed with. Love that envelops me, sustains me, and grounds me. Before Ellie, I thought I knew my fate—a faceless man living a life undercover, just drifting along. But that’s the funny thing about life. You never know what direction it’s going to shove you in. I never thought I would fall in love, never dreamed of getting married or having a family, yet here I am with an amazing wife, a beautiful son, and a daughter on the way. I don’t think words can express the depth of my happiness. The monumental gratitude I feel every time I look at my family. My family. The idea was such a foreign concept, but now that I have everything I never knew I wanted, I would do anything to keep us together. Keep my children safe and my wife happy. Anything. I killed for Ellie once; I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.
“Cupcake!” AJ squeals. “Mommy, pwease! Pwease! Cupcake!” He points to the miniature, chocolate frosted cupcakes sitting on the counter.
“Okay, just one.” Ellie picks him up and places him in his high chair.
“Sugar before sleep? Always works for me,” I tease her.
“Good because you’ll be the one putting him down.”
“Oh?” I laugh at her as she peels off the wrapper and hands AJ his fudgy treat.
“Yup.” She licks some frosting off her finger.
As I watch my son devour his snack, I can’t help but think how one simple lick of a cupcake tilted my world on its axis and spun it in a completely different direction. Yes, life definitely is too deep to be described, it can only be lived.
“Kayne, what are you thinking about?” Ellie asks intuitively.
I possessively slip my arm around her waist and pull her against me. “Just how much I love cupcakes.”
THE END
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