I couldn’t believe it

I honestly couldn’t believe it!

A date?

Me? On a date?

It seemed so surreal. It seemed so impossible. It seemed so…

It seemed so right?

I ran my hand through my hair for the quite possibly hundredth time that day and glanced down at my watch. I had about twenty minutes before I had to leave. How had I managed to kill nearly an hour just fucking with my hair? How…

Chill out, Jason. Just chill.

And so I did.

I chilled.

For roughly forty-five minutes.

The night before had been different—I’d felt right, felt good, and everything had just seemed to fit; Mia wasn’t like any girl, like any person, I’d ever known—and I needed that back. But, then again, that was what had me so flustered. Part of me was even terrified to go through with this because it had seemed so right; so different.

Was this wrong? What would Anne…

Anne is dead!

I ran my hand through my hair (again) and took a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves.

It didn’t help at all.

Glancing over at my dead (wife) stereo, I found myself wishing I could get her to sing me some Doors; sing me anything at that point. So many records…

Water, water everywhere…

And my wife is dead.

Groaning, I rested a hand on the old (girl) thing. (She) It had been with me through so much. I bit my lip, remembering Danny telling me he’d do what he could to fix (her) it. Unless there was no fixing (her) it. Then he’d said…

“Then we’ll see ‘bout getting’ ya a new one; a better one!”

I felt something in me snap—a sting in the back of my head, flooding my vision with red—and I screamed, either in pain or anger, and fell to my knees as a wave of memories jolted me. I shook my head, clenching my forehead, trying to drown out the visions.

“T-BUILT SENDS HIS CONDOLENCES, PRESLEY!”

Condolences?

I looked up, saw the old stereo lying at an awkward angle against the far wall; all dinged up and busted to shit. In my pain or rage, I realized, I’d thrown (her) it across the room. It was good and truly dead now; good and truly gone.

“Then we’ll see ‘bout getting’ ya a new one; a better one!”

Didn’t I deserve another chance?

Fuck.

Did I?

I growled, clenching my head between fisted hands. I more felt her than saw her—couldn’t see much through the gray haze my vision was taking—and I forced my vision to clear, looking up and seeing Anne in front of me.

Usually she reserved her visits for when I was riding, but, then again, I usually wasn’t dating, either. She was here now, though.

Or, rather, the part of my brain that kept bringing her back—kept putting her ahead of me and just out of reach—was putting her here now.

I reached out, begging, pleading; urging her to give me a sign—asking her to tell me it was okay.

If I could only get her to tell me that I was allowed this second chance.

But she was so far away—too far away—and my hand, far as it might reach, would never get to her. I’d never get an answer. Not from her.

I watched in horror as the image faded, disappearing into that oblivion where she waited between visits.

“Fuck…”

I closed my eyes, squeezed them shut until they hurt, and tried to fight the wave of tears that threatened to spill. I didn’t want to cry right now. I didn’t want to have all these negative emotions right before meeting with Mia.

Mia…

Just thinking her name and…

I opened my eyes. No. I’d planned out too much for this date to give up now; dedicated so much to this evening all so I could impress her. Hell, I’d even impressed myself with all the effort I was putting into this.

You won’t even be able to make it out the door, some inner part of me taunted me.

“Shut up,” I growled aloud. I found it worked best to silence the worst parts of yourself when you acknowledged them with a real voice.

True as this was, it occurred to me that I was yelling at myself. I nearly laughed at that and realized that was better than bursting into tears. I let myself chuckle, and I knew if anyone saw me they’d be able to see just how crazy I felt. I had been able to hold it back so long, but with her I hadn’t felt like I had to—not because I could let the crazy out, but because there was no crazy to let out. It was like just being with her flipped the switch and made it all go away.

It just seemed so right…

Until, of course, it went wrong. Maybe I’d swing back, have myself a moment of crazy, and Mia would get an eyeful of just how broken I really was.

Running on empty…

“Then fill the damn tank,” I told myself. “She’s waiting for you, Jason, and you’re not gonna puss out on her; you’re gonna be strong, fight through this, and that’s that!”

And, just like that, I shocked myself into some semblance of sanity. I hadn’t realized I could feel this serious about someone I had just met. I ran my hand through my hair (again) and leaned back, staring at the dead (wife) stereo, all smashed and gone against the wall, reminiscing about the times we’d had together.

“You can get a new stereo,” I told myself. “Doesn’t mean you didn’t love the old one.”

I closed my eyes, working to calm myself down and prepare for the date. Stealing another glance at my watch, I saw that I had apparently sat wallowing in my own despair for nearly ten minutes. I cringed at that realization, wondering how many other times I’d wasted huge blocks of time like this in one of my psychotic, self-pitying episodes. Well not this time!

Snatching up my jacket, I started across the room and knelt over the dead (wife) stereo. “Alright, hun, wish me luck,” I whispered.

Turning away, I tried to fight through all the nerves telling me this was a bad idea. The truth, I realized, was that I needed this. I needed to see if there was any chance of hope for me. And if there was, I’d most certainly know it by the end of tonight. I smirked, considering the prior night’s events and how everything had started at the Carrion Crew’s fundraiser. The realization that a nearly suicidal revenge mission might have somehow turned out to be the thing that saved me was too funny a thought to ignore. Moving towards the elevator, I waited, trying to keep my thoughts on the night before and nothing else.

For how long had I been afraid of my own thoughts?

Afraid of what the quiet meant for me?

The truth was that I’d been afraid of my own thoughts for so long that the change Mia had made in me was actually creating a storm in my head. A high concentration of warmth had collided with a block of coldness that was prepared to settle in until the end of time and then…

BOOM!

Even there, sitting in that Denny’s, I’d known I’d met someone incredible; someone who was waking up old feelings in me and challenging the dark beast that had since moved into my heart.

I stopped dead in my tracks at that, groaning.

“Fuck you, Danny,” I whispered, shaking my head.

Because hadn’t that know-everything fruit-loop life-Jedi all-but said this would happen?

“Right down to the ‘prostitute’-part…” I mused, shaking my head and scoffing. Then I repeated, “Fuck you, Danny,” and pressed the call button for the elevator.

The elevator opened, interrupting my thoughts and I stepped in, mentally tracing the route I’d take at the bottom to get to my chopper. I wondered if she’d be comfortable riding this time around. I figured she must be—after all, she wouldn’t be wearing the same dress… would she?—but then began second-guessing myself.

Maybe I should go back and ask Danny if I can borrow his car, I thought, then, just as quickly, realized that I was trying to give myself a reason to go back and thought, Quit stalling!

Stupid!

She had seen the motorcycle the night before, and she’d even said the only reason she couldn’t ride on it then was because of the situation with her underwear.

“So let’s just hope that she’s wearing underwear today,” I joked to myself, then immediately wondered if I meant it.

The elevator opened to the lobby, and I offered the guard inside the station a nod. Moving to my chopper, I took a deep breath, fighting the new wave of fear that surfaced the closer I got to meeting with Mia.

You think she’ll want to be with you? You don’t even want to be with you.

“I do now,” I countered the thought in a low mutter. “Especially since she was looking at me like that.”

And she had been looking at me in that way. Like I was worth it.

Like maybe I could be alright after all.

Smiling, I slipped onto the chopper and started the engine, closing my eyes for a moment to savor the sensation of the rumbling engine in conjunction with what I was about to do.

Me. On a date.

Yeah. That seemed right.

Then, remembering one little detail, I retrieved the helmet that had been serving as my spot-holder for so long—it felt good to finally need it—and I started out, expecting to see Anne there at the end of the road.

But she wasn’t there when I pulled into traffic.

No, the only thing ahead of me was an afternoon—a date!—with Mia.