Chapter 8
Bruiser was a mess, and he knew it. He had broken discipline and aborted the mission against the advice of Madison. Moreover, because of his distracting the team, Raulston was dead, and Hick was wounded. Now his entire team was grounded, and he was facing a review board. Bruiser had been kicking his own butt for the past five days, mulling over what he had done versus what he should have done. Until this moment he didn't believe anything could pull him from the deep funk he found himself. Olivia changed it all.
"Dear God! It's good to see you," he whispered into her hair.
Olivia's arms clutched his waist, and she buried her face against his chest. He closed his eyes and nuzzled his face into her soft brown hair. He inhaled and let out a weary breath. She smelled amazing - like the cocoa butter shampoo and soap she favored mixed with coffee and cinnamon. He reluctantly let her go but pulled her into his apartment. Closing and locking the door Bruiser looked down at her lovely features and saw a glimmer of something shiny in her eyes. His heart lurched when he realized those were tears and they were there because he had been too far in this craptastic situation to let her know he was home. Bruiser winced and immediately felt even worse than he had before but for a completely different reason. He'd hurt her. Unintentionally, but still, he had. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry," he said as he brushed his thumb over the apple of her cheek. "I've been busy with work, but that's no reason to ignore you."
She balled her fist up and punched him in his arm. "You're damned right it's no reason!" She lurched from his embrace, dropped her backpack, and glared at him. "I've been going nuts waiting for you to let me know you were home. News flash, Bruiser - I was in the military too. I know what's at stake when you're on a mission. You can't always communicate when you're out in the field. You asked me to text, and I did. You didn't text back, and that's okay. You were busy. I get that. But, now you're home and have been home for days. Days! I get that you don't have family waiting for you, but you do have my family and me. We care about you. Jayden and Auntie have been worried about you. You can't do this again. No matter what happens with you, we care about you the person, and it's wrong of you to leave us hanging in the wind." The anger in her eyes made them sparkle. "When you are in a relationship, you can't be selfish. Everything you do affects the other person. It wasn't just me, Bruiser. What about Auntie? What about Jayden? He doesn't take big changes well. He doesn't understand when people go missing out of his life. It throws him into a spin and makes him scared. Not only that, but he could see I was preoccupied, and that made him even more afraid."
Bruiser attempted to grab her arm, but she pulled it out of his grasp. "I... the mission..." he sighed and dropped his hands. "Things went wrong."
She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. "Yeah, Cowboy told me. That's another thing; Cowboy had to be the one to tell me you were in trouble?"
He stiffened. "He did what?"
"He told me things went bad on the mission, and for some stupid reason, you blame yourself. He said Hick was injured, but he would be alright. Cowboy told me the team is shelved for the time being and you were going through a review." She shoved her fists onto her hips and scowled at him. "He told me to cut you some slack because you were going through a lot. That's crap. You are a freaking SEAL, so act like it. Man up, buttercup."
He snorted. Livy looked so damn adorable standing there with her chin lifted and her eyes shooting fire. Call him crazy, but a part of him liked the dressing down she gave him. It told him she did care. "I'm sorry I worried you, honey. You're right. I was being selfish and not thinking about you. I wasn't thinking about anything but the situation and what it meant to the team and myself. It was inexcusable, although I have a good reason. My career is at stake." He motioned toward the sofa. "Sit?"
Bruiser's apology seemed to mollify Livy. The rigid stance slowly melted away, and she let her arms drop. With a huff, she threw up her hands in surrender and dropped into the recliner. "What happened? I know you can't disclose everything because most of it is OpSec, so tell me what you can."
He sat on the sofa and leaned forward with his forearms on his knees. Clasping his fingers together, he ran one thumb over the top of the other and stared at them. He gathered his thoughts before he began to speak. "I can't say much because it's all classified. The short of it is I lost control over something someone was doing. Because of me, the team got distracted and attacked. As a result, Hick is out on medical, and two people died." He balled his hands into fists and slammed them on his knees. "I could have gotten the whole team killed! You have no idea how it feels to be responsible for others getting hurt."
"Yes, I do."
He raised his head and stared at her. "You do what?"
She chewed on her bottom lip before answering. "I know how it feels to be responsible for others getting hurt." She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. The fire in her eyes dimmed until sorrow replaced it. "I know exactly how it feels. I know because I'm responsible for my mother's death." She straightened her spine and stared at him. "Go on. What happened?"
He ignored her attempt to side track him. "What do you mean you are responsible?"
"Let it go, Bruiser."
He shook his head. "No. I'm not going to let it go. Tell me what happened. You need to let it out."
She laughed mirthlessly. "I've let it out. Years of therapy. Trust me; it's out."
The lost, haunted expression on Olivia's face was a kick to his gut. Forgetting his problems for the moment, Bruiser focused on her. He pulled her up to her feet and gently nudged her into his lap. Wrapping his arms around her, he muttered. "I'm here. Go ahead."
"I'm supposed to be here helping you, not the other way around."
The half laugh she gave didn't reach her eyes. Bruiser shook his head. He could tell; Olivia knew pain. She tried so hard to be strong and fierce, but deep down, she was still vulnerable. The contradictions in her personality made him want her that much more. Bruiser thought for a moment then changed tactics. "Then do it for me. I want to know everything about you. That includes the good, bad and even the ugly. Come on, sweetheart, I promise I'm not going to run away. You've got me. You've got all of me. There's nothing you can say that will change that; I don't care what you've done in your past. It's there - in the past, and it will only hurt you if you allow it to."
She chewed on her lip a moment then gave a short nod. "Okay." Taking a deep breath, she slowly let it out. "What do you know about our history? Mine and Jayden's, I mean."
Bruiser shook his head. "Not much. I know you both went to live with Auntie Nat a few years ago."
"Okay." She took a few breaths. "This isn't easy for me so please bear with me."
Something in her voice made him pause. He was forcing her to do something that hurt her. Bruiser cringed and put a hand up to stop her. "I changed my mind. Honey, you don't have to do this," Bruiser argued.
"Yes, I think I do. You should know what kind of a train wreck being with me will be."
He glared at her. "Everyone has ghosts, Olivia. We all have things in our past that defines who we are. If you want to tell me because you need to get it out, then do it. If you think you need to tell me in some warped attempt to run me off, then know it's not going to work." He brushed his knuckles over her jaw and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I swear to you; there is nothing you can say that will scare me off. Sorry, sweetheart, but you are stuck with me."
She searched his eyes, looking for the truth that validated his words. She must have seen what she needed because the tension in her shoulders melted and she relaxed against him. "Alright then. Don't say I didn't warn you." She thought for a few moments before she began. "According to Auntie Nat, Momma was a wild child her whole life. Even as a kid, she was hard to control. She gave my grandmother fits from an early age. When Momma was fourteen, Grandma died of a stroke. Auntie Nat was the only relative she had, so Momma moved in with her. Auntie said they butted heads from the first step in her house. They argued about everything from what to eat to what she wore. You see, Momma liked boys, a lot, and would often sneak out at night to go hang out with them. Auntie tried to do right by her, but Momma was just too wild. She ran away right after her fifteenth birthday. A few months later, Auntie got a call that Momma was in jail for prostitution and possession of a controlled substance. Momma went into rehab for the first time when she was released. That's when Auntie found out Momma was pregnant with me. Momma often told me I was a broken condom baby. Apparently, she used cheap prophylactics, so she didn't know which time it took. Sometimes she would take my chin and look at me and say things like, 'Maybe it was...' and add some random guy's name. Then she would laugh. I think she enjoyed the pain she inflicted. It seemed since she was hurt, she wanted me to share in her misery."
Bruiser's hiss of anger pulled her attention. She gave him a wan smile. "It's okay. I'm over it. She used to say a lot of things to hurt me. I had to grow a thick skin." She took another deep breath then squeezed Bruiser's hand. He tightened his grasp and remained silent, giving Olivia the space she needed.
"Anyway, Momma ran away from Auntie several times over the next few years. Sometimes she would leave me there and other times she wouldn't." She shrugged. "Auntie started proceedings to take me away from her, and I guess that finally woke Momma up. She got off the drugs and found a regular job in a factory. After a few months, she got her own place. By then, she was twenty years old with a five-year-old child and seemed to be getting her life together. I don't remember a lot of that time except there was a man she let move in with us. His name was Jay, and I liked him. A lot. He was tall, so tall he could touch the ceiling without even trying. He used to draw these amazing pictures and tell me stories about knights and princesses. I do remember being happy; both Momma and I were happy when he was there. We lived in a rundown apartment, but it was clean. Momma smiled a lot."
The smile on Olivia's face faltered. "One day, Auntie brought me home from a visit and Jay wasn't there. Auntie asked Momma what happened, and she said he had left her. She wouldn't say why and after a while, I learned to stop asking. I think his leaving broke her. She had finally found something worth living for, and he disappeared. Auntie said within a week she was back with her old pimp, Sly, and back on the drugs again. She was so out of it, she went into labor with Jayden and didn't even know it. A cop delivered him in the back seat of his squad car. She was seven months pregnant, high and still turning tricks."
"Cripes," Bruiser swore. "That's screwed up."
"Yeah, it is. Auntie tried to get custody of both of us, but Momma took off. We lived in homeless shelters, women's shelters, on the streets, wherever she could find for a night or even a few hours. I remember once staying in a house with a lot of people for a few days. I think it was a crack house. It smelled bad, and the people were lying around not doing anything. She would get busted for something or another, and we'd go live with Auntie. She'd get out, clean up her act, get us, and start the cycle over."
Bruiser never, in his entire life, felt as much rage as he did at this moment. The life that Olivia described shouldn't have happened to a child. For any mother to allow her children to be repeatedly put in harm's way should be locked away. He fought against the anger, dampening it down. Having been abandoned as a baby and raised in group homes or with foster parents, he understood a little of the feelings of not having a stable home. However, it was no excuse for shoddy parenting. A mother should always put her children first.
Swallowing the bile that rose in his throat, he nudged her. "Go ahead, sweetheart. It'll do you good to let it out."
Olivia's arms tightened around Bruiser's neck, and her voice dropped to a whisper. He held her tightly against his chest as she worked her way through her story. After a few moments, she continued. "Sly was always watching me. He kept asking Momma to let him have me, but she refused. I used to think it was because of Jayden. You see, because of all the drugs she did while pregnant with him, he was born with a lot of health issues. She needed me to take care of him, so she wouldn't have to. Momma hated Jayden. Maybe it was because he wasn't as independent like me, but I think she just couldn't stand to see how much he favored Jay. He reminded her too much of his father. But, when it came to Sly's attention, I think she was jealous. Momma didn't care about my safety and well-being. She often told me to get my own money on the street, but wouldn't ever let Sly near me. I think maybe she was afraid of being replaced. Sly liked young girls. He found her on the streets when she was only fifteen. Now she was in her thirties, and her shelf life was expiring." Olivia shuddered. "He tried to get his hands on me many times, but Momma always stopped him. Until the last time."
Her eyes took on a faraway look as she lost herself in the past. Gently, Bruiser stroked her hair while she trembled in his lap. He hated how vulnerable she was at this moment, how much pain her mother had inflicted on her. He let her take her time, working through things in her mind.
"I haven't talked about this part much. Only the police and my therapist knows what happened," she whispered against his shoulder. "Even Aunty doesn't know everything."
Bruiser had a feeling he was not going to like what she had to say. Like it or not, she needed to get it out, so he held her and forced himself to remain calm. When she continued, her voice was muffled against his neck.
"It was so hot that week. We were living in a little house in Chula Vista with no running water and no electricity. There were holes in the walls and rotten places in the floor. The rats were huge, and we had to protect everything we had by putting it in plastic boxes. They would eat food, clothes - really anything they could get their teeth on. I asked Momma once if we were squatting there and she got mad at me. She said we should be grateful to have a roof over our heads. I was fifteen at the time, and Jayden was only ten. That night, it was too warm, and I couldn't sleep, so I opened the window to let in some air. We weren't supposed to do that because the neighborhood was so horrible, but it was stifling in the house. Momma was out working like she did most nights. I guess Sly had enough of Momma denying him because he crawled in the window and..." She stopped again.
Bruiser muttered a string of curses under his breath. "He..." He swallowed and tried again. "Did he?"
She gave the barest shake of her head. "He tried. I was screaming and begging him to leave me alone. Jayden was crying, terrified. Sly didn't care. He groped me, pulled at my clothes. He was saying the vilest, most awful things to me. He was obviously drunk, high or both and had one thing on his mind. I tried to fight him off, but he was so much bigger and stronger. I guess Momma must have come home then because the next thing I knew she was screaming at him to get away from me. She pulled and hit at him until he went after her. He started beating her. Fists flying. Blood. She cried and begged him to stop but he wouldn't. I was so terrified. I pulled Jayden out of the house through the window. We ran as fast as we could. I could hear Momma begging for her life until we got too far away. We ran into a convenience store and begged the clerk to call the police. By the time they got to the house, it was too late. Sly had beat Momma to death. They picked him up a few blocks away; he still had her blood all over his hands. Now he's doing a life sentence in Corcoran, and we moved in with Auntie. Our lives are much better but the stain of that night is still in my soul."
Bruiser curled his arms around her protectively. "It's not your fault, honey."
She pushed away from him and stood. "Yes, it is. If I hadn't opened the window, he wouldn't have gotten in and attacked me. Momma would still be alive."
He stood and took her hands. "That's not true. You said he was determined to get to you. He would have found a way inside. Your mother's death is all on him, sweetheart."
"But..."
"No buts."
"If you say so," she replied sounding not at all convinced.
He watched as a change came over her. Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly. "So, I do know how it feels. However, if what you said is true and it's not my fault what happened to Momma, then what you went through isn't your fault either. Bruiser, I don't know what happened, but I do know one thing with certainty. You are a protector, so much so your nick comes from protecting others. Whatever happened that day, whatever you did, I know you did it because you felt you needed to. Hick is a grown man, a trained SEAL. He went into this knowing he could be hurt, could even end up dead, just like you and the other members of your team. Just like I knew when I signed up for my service. Every man and woman that puts on a uniform to protect this country know it. It's a price we are all willing to pay."
She was right. Bruiser did what he had to do, and if put into the same circumstance, he would do it again. Madison was in the wrong. If anyone is to blame for the FUBAR of that mission, it was that prick.
"The review board..."
She took his hand and held it. "The review board will take into consideration everything that happened. I know the other guys are going to have your back on this. When this is over, you will see you were worried for nothing. In the meantime, you and the team get a little R&R. When is the review?"
"Tuesday. "
She nodded. "Then Tuesday night, you'll come over to the house, and we'll have a big celebration meal."
He grinned at her and raised an eyebrow. "Think we can get Auntie Nat to make her enchilada casserole?"
She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. She felt good there. Perfect, really, and he knew he was falling hard. He ran his hand over her back to the dip just above the swell of her rear. Caressing her there, he pulled her tightly against him.
"Probably," she finally broke the silence. "But if I don't get home soon, she may go on strike. Cowboy dropped me off so you think you can take me home?"
"Sure. Let me get my keys."
He stopped and lifted her face. Leaning in, he kissed her tenderly with a whisper pass of his lips brushing hers. Her eyes closed as she drank in his offering then returned it with her own. He cupped her neck, caressing her jaw with one thumb as they became lost in the moment. When they came up for air, she licked her lips and opened her eyes. The grin on her pink, swollen lips made him groan. He wanted her, and he could tell she wanted him. Dropping another kiss on her lips, he stepped back.
"You know, you're going to be one hell of a trauma therapist one day. You've got a natural flair for it."
She lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug. "Better get your free sessions in while you can. Once I'm certified, my rates go up."
He laughed, feeling lighter than he had since the mission. Olivia was good for him. Everything about her was perfect. It was as if she were created just for him. Taking her hand, they left his apartment together. He made a promise to himself. No matter what happened at the review, he would do his best to be worthy of her faith. He owed it to her, and he owed it to himself.