Chapter 35
Jill
October 1999
IF WISHES WERE HORSES, beggars would ride… isn’t that how the saying goes? It was true though. I could throw pennies into fountains all day and wish on every star in the sky and not ever get the one thing I’d wanted since the first time Bennett Hanson placed his lips on mine.
I stirred the pot of spaghetti sauce, letting my soul take a breather from the whirlwind of emotions I’d experienced over the last few days. I gasped when big, strong arms snaked around my waist from behind, pulling me out of my fog.
“I was gonna go grab a shower, but this smells way too good. I just realized I’m very hungry.” Bennett’s words—practically growled into my ear as he rested his chin on my shoulder—sent sparks coursing through my veins. Because he’d buried his nose in my hair and pulled my body tight to his, I was fairly certain he wasn’t talking about food.
“Down boy.” I used my hip to bump him away. “I’m hungry for food and dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. Go grab your shower, let me feed you, and then… who knows?” I cocked my eyebrow, faking enthusiasm. Bennett was trying, bless his heart. I knew he felt the same way I did, but instead of feeling sorry for himself, he was trying to get me out of my funk. But I was heartbroken. And nothing could ever fill the now permanent hole in my heart.
He spun me around and pulled me into him, cradling my head to his chest with his big hand. He knew that wrapping me tight in a full body embrace was an effective way of getting my mind off of reality. We stayed that way for several minutes as he fluttered kisses on the top of my head. “I love you, Jill. Nothing will ever change that. And Dr. Polasek didn’t rule out the possibility completely.”
“Ben, her exact words were, With the damage to your uterus as a result of your accident, it is highly unlikely you will ever get pregnant. ‘Highly unlikely’ is, like, one step away from ruling it out completely.” I tried to pull away, but he wasn’t having it. So instead, I burst into tears for the hundredth time that day.
“Shhhh, baby. There are so many other options. And we’re so young. Please don’t cry.” I sniffed and used the bottom of his T-shirt to dry my face. I hadn’t bothered to wear makeup in days. Why, when I’d just cry it off?
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess.” Sniff. “It’s just… all of the disappointment when I find out I’m not pregnant each month added together and multiplied by a thousand couldn’t even come close to what I felt hearing Dr. Polasek’s words.” Sniff. “I want to be a mom. I want to make you a dad. There are people all over the world accidentally getting pregnant and having children they don’t want and it’s just not fair.” Sniff.
“I know, baby. Why don’t we make an appointment with that agency Marian told us about? Let’s just see what they say.” I nodded, but my heart wasn’t in it. Not yet. I needed to mourn my loss before I could move forward. Isn’t that what Bennett always says when he goes into psychologist mode? “I’ll run upstairs and grab the pamphlet she gave us. Be right back.” He smacked a sloppy kiss on my lips and ran up the stairs while I got back to my poor spaghetti sauce before it was beyond saving.
Knock, knock, knock.
I jumped. Looking to the stairs (where I just knew Bennett would appear), and then back to my spaghetti sauce (which was almost decidedly burned)—I debated what to do. A second set of knocks got my feet in motion and I headed for the door.
“Hi, Jase,” I said, upon seeing the face of our sweet next-door neighbor. “I talked to your mom a little while ago. She called to let me know you’d be alone tonight. Is everything okay?” He nodded, but he didn’t look like himself, so I motioned him in and he followed me to the kitchen. Maybe if I added a little water I could salvage this sauce.
Jase lingered in the doorway, looking as nervous as a whore in church. “I’d like to talk to y’all about something… personal.“ His voice cracked. He was adorable. “Do you mind if I sit down?” I nodded, then called for Bennett, who came pounding down the stairs almost immediately.
“Hey, Jase, what’s up, man?” The two shook hands and I noticed Jase’s were shaking.
“So,” he cleared his throat. “I have this friend at school and… she’s homeless.” I couldn’t help the gasp that escaped my lips. And the concern on Bennett’s face aged him ten years. He took a seat beside Jase and nodded for him to continue.
“I don’t know the whole story, but I do know she needs a place to live, like yesterday. Her mom died a few months ago, and she doesn’t have a dad.”
I thought the lump in my throat might choke me as I tried to control the sting behind my eyes. The silence was heavy, like a weight pressing on my heart. This conversation right here—the one my husband and I were about to have with this sixteen-year-old boy from next door—carried with it the air of change, but I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what I was feeling
“What she needs is a family.” My head snapped to Ben when he said the words, because that’s exactly what I’d been thinking. He looked up at me, eyes bright, and I could see the deep rise and fall of his chest. He felt it too. But the crease in his brow said he was worried.
“Look, I know you’re approved to be foster parents. I was hoping, maybe, she could stay here until… “ His words faded away and he was looking at the hands he was wringing in his lap. I could see the rise and fall of his chest too.
I suddenly felt the need to keep busy, so I got up and checked the sauce. I think the water did the trick, so I turned off the burner, before addressing Jase again. “Where has she been staying since her mom passed?” I didn’t even sound like myself.
“Well, she’s been hiding out here and there… I don’t really know. I… um… ” He stammered and wiped his hands on his jeans. It was becoming clear why he looked just like an alcoholic caught with a case of beer.
That heavy feeling was gaining weight. “Do you think she’d like to meet us?” Bennett asked the question, then shot his eyes in my direction. They said, Is that okay? And I hoped my smile replied, Hell yeah. God, I loved that man.
“Um, yeah, I think she’d like that a whole lot.” Good I thought, because we would too. Jase’s wide eyes and deep Oh, shit sigh confirmed what Bennett and I were both thinking.
Ben laughed. “I assume she’s at your house right now? That would explain why you look like you just broke out of prison.” I wanted to assure him that his secret was safe with us, but my husband was one step ahead. “And no, we won’t tell your mom. Just bring her over, will you?” Do not cry, do not cry, this could be nothing. Do not cry.
“Sure. Let me go get her.” He stood and headed for the door, but stopped. “I want you to know,” Jase said as he turned back toward us. “She’s just my friend. There’s nothing inappropriate going on at my house.”
Ben and I both nodded and I may have fibbed a little when I said, “It never even crossed our mind.” With a smile and a wave, he was out the door and Bennett and I both released breaths we’d been holding for what felt like forever.