Chapter 33

Sofia

I slip out of Lucas’s embrace when I hear his breathing slip down into a slow and steady rhythm. He always falls asleep quickly when he’s snuggled up against me like this. The air is chilly, and my hands come up around my arms, rubbing them up and down. I pull out a piece of notebook paper and settle at my vanity with a pen, ready to write another letter to Maggie. I feel like it’s been a couple of weeks again, and god, do I have news.

Dear Maggie,

Things might be OK after all.

I glance around the room and try to conjure the words to say all the ways my life has changed in the past few weeks. I guess the best way to say it is simply, and my eyes fall across Lucas’s reflection in the window, fast asleep in the darkness. The image of his face is like a balm, and I smile, finding the words to say it.

I think I’m in love with my boss, Lucas. I know you used to say that no good could come of a work relationship, but—

I cross it out and try again for something more clear and mature. I don’t want to start a fight with Maggie in a letter she can’t even return, even though this news will blow her mind. I would never get pregnant with a man’s baby—unless I wanted to.

The man who has been employing me as his nanny has gotten me pregnant, and that probably sounds terrible to hear at first, I write instead. Blunt and sweet. But it doesn’t feel terrible to say. I’m so excited to have this baby, and he’s very supportive. We’re all over each other all the time. I’ve never felt this way before. He said he wants to marry me tonight—I mean, not tonight, but he wants to marry me someday, and he said that tonight. I didn’t say anything back. It’s all so surreal. He told me that after he told me that he didn’t want to marry me, which he said after he said that he DID want to marry me. So, I can see how you might be confused.

Remember when we used to dress up and pretend it was our wedding day?

Are you seeing anyone?

I wish I could see you. Maybe someday.

I look over my shoulder at the window, the broad night sky beyond. Maggie is somewhere out there, and my heart pangs for her. Being a separated twin is like having a phantom limb. She’s out there, and I want her back so badly.

I go back to my letter with a tightened jaw, thinking about how far away we are.

I’ve been hunkered down pretty tightly for the past month, afraid of breathing too loud, because of the company agent tailing me. My boss answered the door one day and paid him off in cash. He won’t tell me how much he gave him, which makes me think that it must have been way too much for little old me. It has nothing to do with why I love him, but I’ll gush about that in person. If I tried to fit it into this letter—you don’t want to see that.

No matter how much Lucas gave the agent, he hasn’t been by here since, but it hasn’t been too long. I’m still nervous every time I go outside.

My face lightens and warms as I think about the family I can share with Maggie now. I know the kids so much better than I used to.

Oh, my boss’s oldest, C, he beat up his bully from school, and he had some lines in the school play! It’s been a hard transition for him, so it was great to see him succeed. He was so proud of himself and L was the perfect father. If he hadn’t taught him how to punch, he wouldn’t have felt confident enough to stand up to the bully. I see why you loved children so much that you studied them. I always thought that I might want to do something with traveling or hospitality, but these kids are bringing out a whole other side of me. They’re bringing out my maternal side.

Or maybe that’s all the pregnancy hormones in my body right now?

The only major problem now is that he has an ex-wife who’s really territorial and completely hates my guts. Of course she does. I would, too. But she’s a terrible mom! I’m sorry, she is! She never takes her medication, and she’s not safe for them. She’s not even allowed to have unsupervised visitation right now.

I know what I sound like.

I sound like a defensive, know-it-all stepmom in the making.

Don’t judge me.

His younger brother found out who I was and told on me, but finding out my true identity ended up only empowering my relationship with Lucas. He really knew me then. He could love me, and he did. You’d hate his younger brother. He’s such a total goofball, though he is a nice guy. He hates me, though. I’m sure of it. I think he might have bailed early on Thanksgiving because of me. And Lucas’s ex-wife… Wow. I don’t know if she was always the way she is now, but it looks to me like losing Lucas drove her completely insane.

I wish you were here to regulate all this madness. You were always the logical one. My instincts are great and I’m hard to catch, but you’re the one who’s cool under pressure.

I feel a little safer out in public now. Maybe in a few more months, I’ll even feel safe traveling back to visit.

I glance around the darkened room and fold the letter, slipping it into one of the envelopes in the top dresser drawer. I lick it and seal it, and then I consider the envelope, thwacking it against the inside of my palm. I do wish that I had Maggie’s guidance right now, but I’m never going to get it if I refuse to even divulge my address. What if they’re watching the mail?

But what if they’re not?

I throw the letter down and launch myself off of the vanity dresser, going to my closet and throwing on a long, warm winter coat in lavender, then some slippers. It’s going to be bitterly cold outside, but something in me likes the bitter cold. It’s exhilarating.

I go back to the vanity and look down at the letter, then glance over to Lucas.

Am I safe here? Will I be OK if I give her my return address?

I purse my lips. I do want a future here. I want a real, stable future here. And that means that I need to open up about where I am. I’m even going to have to open up about who I am.

The thought brings tendrils of ice into my heart.

I settle back down at the vanity and whip out a pen. That’s it. I’m going to do it. I have to start taking chances. I have to let my roots sink into this earth.

I scratch Lucas’s address in the top left corner of the envelope so that Maggie knows where I am, and she can write me back, then snatch it up and rush out of the bedroom before I have enough time to think twice about it. I race down the stairwell in the dark, feeling wild, and throw the front door open. Outside, the snow is still a rich white blanket on the ground, glistening in the moonlight, but it doesn’t slow me down. No elements have slowed me down yet, have they? And they’re not about to start now.

I rush down the drive, freezing my feet and kicking up icy plumes of glittering snow, and claw the mailbox open, jamming my letter inside and flipping the little red flag up. There.

The mailman will take that to Ohio, to Maggie’s mailbox, and she’ll see where I am, for better or worse.

Because I’m tired of hiding, especially from my own twin sister.

I breathe hard, skin as porcelain white as snow from the cold, I scurry back inside and kick off my drenched slippers. I lock the door behind me and stare down at the doorknob, still gasping for breath and bright-eyed.

It’s the first real risk I’ve taken since forcing myself to go out to that Christmas play at the middle school—and that felt good, too. It all feels good. Maybe being pregnant has changed me. Or maybe it’s Lucas’s love that has changed me.

Whatever it is, I’m ready to live again.