his eyes but he couldn’t quite seem to blink away the blurriness. His body felt heavy, like something was sitting on top of him. It felt like what people described feeling when they had the flu. He was sore on a bone deep level. He never got sick, he hoped he wasn’t going to start now, he had a lot to do. He just couldn’t remember what right now. He tried to rub the blurriness away with his hand and looked around.
Through his distorted vision he could make out peeling paint on the walls, posters of girls on motorcycles, he was lying in a single bed… and someone sitting in the corner. It was Demon, rocked back on two legs of the chair aimlessly scrolling through his phone. And it smelled bad, like beer and feet. It was his old room at the clubhouse.
But that wasn’t right. He wasn’t supposed to be here. Was he?
“Hey,” Demon said, noticing that he’d woken up.
“Hey,” he replied, “Why am I here? “ He wasn’t sure, but he knew he should be somewhere else. Not there. Not with Demon.
“Why are any of us here, really?” Demon said, looking back down at his phone, “But now is not the time for existential crisis man, you’ve got bigger problems?”
“No, I mean… shouldn’t I be somewhere… else?” he asked.
Demon sighed, “Just take a minute and wake up, maybe it’ll come back to you soon,” he leaned over and offered Red a glass of water.
He took it without saying anything. Something was really, really wrong here. “Did we get drunk last night? Did I… take some drugs or something? I feel… weird.”
Weird wasn’t exactly the right word. He felt wrong. Like he’d had a body transplant and wasn’t quite taking to the new body. Everything felt heavy. Even his brain. Especially his brain.
“Understandable,” Demon replied without explaining anything, “But no, we did not get drunk or do any drugs last night, which would have been much preferable to the way we actually spent it.” He started to lean back in his chair again when stopped abruptly and added, “Wait, you did get drugged. See I’d forgotten because it wasn’t the fun kind, but yes you are indeed coming down off some pretty heavy meds brother.”
“But why? Was I sick or… what,” Red sat up in the bed, “Everything feels wrong inside me. What is happening?”
Demon sighed again, “Can you just give your brain a few minutes to catch up to your questions. I was assured that you’d remember everything, so I wouldn’t have to explain it bit by bit. Because that is way more effort than I am willing to expend on you right now, considering everything I’ve already had to do.”
What had he had to do? Why had he been drugged? Why wasn’t he where he was supposed to be? Which was in bed with Sidney in the little house she’d made a home for him and Morgan. Sidney, Morgan, they were where he was supposed to be.
“Where’s Sidney and Morgan,” he asked.
Demon gave him a half shrug, “I suppose Morgan is at Logan’s parent’s house and Sidney is probably still out at the Grovestead. Unless she’s decided to kill me, in which case she’s roaming around Three Rivers looking for my bike.” Demon paused, “That’s a terrifying thought.”
But why would Sidney be… oh. That’s right. Sidney was a witch. And he’d gotten mad at her and he’d said a lot of hateful things. He winced remembering some of the things he’d said. How he’d reacted when he’d found out what she was. Oh this was bad. He was going to have to apologize, big time. He wasn’t sure a wine and flowers basket was going to cut it again either.
“Do you have my phone? I need to call her… I need to… ,” he pause trying to sort through the thoughts that kept rushing at him. Each one more confusing than the next. None of this made any sense… He hadn’t…
And just like that the flood gates of memories opened up, attacking him with each new image. Each act worse than before. Sidney’s face when she’d walked in on him and Jessica. He’d slept with her sister, his stomach cramped in shame and guilt at the thought of it. And she’d walked in with Demon. His eyes shot up to his brother who was watching him. He wanted to get up and demand answers, but one memory after another kept battering him. He’d beaten a man to death, and enjoyed it while he’d done it. He’d raped one of the girls who worked for him. He’d sold out his town so the shifters could be safe, but then he hadn’t even been loyal to them. He felt ill. Every act he remembered doing, seeing, being a part of making him want to be violently ill. He’d watched Hawthorne torture a kid and not only had he not stopped him, he hadn’t cared.
He wretched and Demon shot to his feet, “Easy there brother.” Demon looked around and found a trash can that he shoved under his nose.
It felt like he spent a long time vomiting and crying and trying to catch his breath under an onslaught of memories of things he’d done or been a part of.
Demon gingerly took the trash can away and handed him a wet washcloth. He must have gone to the bathroom while he’d been vomiting. He hadn’t noticed.
“How did I … what?” Red didn’t know the words he wanted to say. Tears were streaming down his face, but he wanted to scream, to run out of the room, to run so far that the assault of memories couldn’t touch him.
“It’s not your fault,” Demon said, his voice soothing in a way that Red had never heard it. “Bree did some kind of spell that made you lose your humanity. And if any of the things that were done need to be blamed on someone, they should be blamed on her.”
“You don’t know what I’ve done,” Red said, his teeth clenched.
“No, brother, but I do know why you did them and it was because it wasn’t really you. It was a version of you without compassion, without morals, without all the things that make you so annoyingly you.”
“But why?” he asked, “Why would she do this to me?”
Demon shrugged again, “Obviously Sidney is supposed to be some big witchy deal. The next coming of a female witch, Jesus according to Bree. She didn’t want her associating with riffraff like us. Bikers. Shifters. Dogs. We’re bad news. She figured Sidney would leave you if you started acting like an asshole, and she was right. You managed to make everyone hate you at a pretty record pace. Even I couldn’t have done better.”
“I’m going to kill her,” Red said.
“Hey now, you’re just getting your Jiminy Crickets back and already plotting a murder? Task, tisk brother. Besides, Sidney threw her out of a window last night, if that makes you feel any better.”
The thought of the sweet caring woman he knew throwing someone out the window made him pause, but it didn’t make him feel better.
“It doesn’t” Red said. He wanted to shift the blame to Bree, it would be so easy, but Bree wasn’t the one who was going to carry the memories of what he’d done for the rest of his life. He would. He was the one who would hear the woman begging him to stop while he ignored her, enjoying the feeling of her struggling in vain under him. He had loved it, enjoyed the power of it. Had thought of it over and over again later as he’d pleasured himself. He was going to vomit again.
He tried to get out of bed, but almost fell, barely making it to the bucket before white foam erupted from him. His stomach was empty, but he still felt the need to purge. He wished he could purge these memories by simply vomiting them up. He didn’t want them. He tried to stand again, swaying with the effort.
“Just sit still for a while Red, you’re trying to rush things. Give yourself an hour to get it together, Jesus.” Demon said, putting a steadying hand on him. “I’ll clean this up and get you some more water. Just stay still until I get back.”
He sat back down on the bed. God, he could still feel the adrenaline rush through him as he ripped into flesh, the thrill of it, and how he’d loved the way the knife felt in his hand. He laid back down in the bed. Each new memory jabbed at him. He had lived through a lot, but he wasn’t sure if he was going to make it through this. It was too much. He had never understood people who wanted to kill themselves, until now. How was he going to live the rest of his life with these memories? With this knowledge of what he’d done?
How was he going to look at his little girl and accept the pure love she had for him knowing he wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth anything. Knowing he was a piece of filth who had done the worst things humankind could even imagine. He was a monster. And there was only one way to deal with monsters.
***
“Where is Red?” she demanded from her sister, who wouldn’t look her in the eye. “Jessica, I said, where is Red?”
It was early, the sun barely through tinting the morning sky, but Sidney had woken up and immediately went to look for Red. He’d need more tranquilizer if they were going to keep him asleep until they figured out what to do. But when she’d gone looking for him she’d found him gone, with no one willing to tell her where he was.
“Demon came in early yesterday morning and took him Sidney, he said he was going to take him to someone who could help him,” Jessica said, still not meeting her sister’s eye
“Yesterday?” Sidney asked, alarmed, “How long did I sleep?”
“You slept through the day and night. Nobody wanted to bother you because you had just, you know, pulverized all the bones in Bree’s body. Turns out we witches are a cautious bunch.”
Sidney pondered that for a moment. Her little outburst with Bree must have taken it out of her.
“Cautious except for with people we’re trying to heal. Like Red, right? People who need to be kept unconscious are just let slip right out of the house,” Sidney paced their bedroom while Jessica still sat in bed,
“And Demon just came and took him, without giving you any specifics as to where he was taking him?”
Jessica nodded a sleep disheveled head
“And you just let him? Why? How could you?”
Jessica flung herself back onto her pillow in exasperation, an arm coming to rest on her eyes, “I mean, it’s his brother Sidney, what did you expect me to do?”
“I don’t know Jessica, you seem pretty good at whipping up the wind when it’s to keep me from killing someone, couldn’t you have used some of that to throw him out the house?” Sidney jerked the nightgown over her head. Someone must have put it on her while she’d slept because she didn’t remember putting it on. She rummaged through her drawers for something to wear.
“You can’t still be mad about me saving Bree, I would have thought a day and a half of sleep would have cleared your mind a little.”
Sidney spun on her sister, still only half clothed, “After what that… woman did to Red? Did to me! She ruined my relationship with Red, tore my world apart and destroyed the only man I’ve ever really loved. I don’t care if she lives or dies.”
“Well that’s good, because you broke everything inside her. The Old Ones are having to work on her in shifts because it’s taking so much out of them. Let that sink in, these ancient healers who were planning on healing us all simultaneously during battle are having to work in shifts.” Jessica paused before saying, “You did a lot more than just push her out of a window, Sidney.”
Sidney’s mouth flattened into a line. Whatever she’d done to Bree had been well deserved. In fact if she could go back in time and do it again she wouldn’t hesitate. She had never felt so much rage before in her life. And it hadn’t left her yet, it simmered under the surface just waiting for someone to bubble over onto.
She had always wondered how people could be so cruel. How one person could take the life of another so callously, and now she knew. In the moment she had wanted Bree to die as painfully as possible. Wanted to hurt her more than she had hurt Red… more than Bree had hurt her.
Part of her rage was due to what had been done to Red, yes, it was so unfair for someone to take away everything from a person for no other reason than who he loved. But a large part of it was because of what Bree had stolen from her. The heartbreak she’d been barely holding at bay, the betrayal she’d felt when, once again, she’d found the person she’d given her heart to with another woman, this time her sister. All of the suppressed hurt had just overwhelmed her and turned into rage, a rage against one woman.
“Are you getting out of bed to come help me?” Sidney asked, as she wiggled into a pair of jeans, “It’s the least you could do.”
“Help you what?” Jessica asked.
Sidney stopped what she was doing, “Are you stupid? We’ve got to go find Red. There’s no telling where Demon has taken him.”
Jessica sat straight up in bed, a panicked look on her face, “Sidney you can’t leave.”
“The hell I can’t,” Sidney replied turning away from her sister. She might not come and help her, but there was no way she was going to stop her from finding Red.
She grasped the door knob and was about the leave the room when he sister’s voice stopped her.
“Wait,” Jessica said, hand covering her eyes, “Oh god, you’re going to kill me.”
Sidney’s eyes narrowed, “What? There’s nothing else you could have possibly done that could make me angrier than letting Demon take an unconscious Red only god knows where, so just tell me.”
Jessica groaned as if she were suffering from internal pain, “I kind of let Demon borrow your car.”
“WHAT?”
“Well, how was he supposed to take Red anywhere on his motorcycle?! He was unconscious!”
Sidney took a deep breath, and then another. She was going to have to keep taking deep breaths until she convinced herself not to level the house she stood in and destroy everything within it. But before this day was done, she would find Red and if anything new was wrong with him, people would pay.