“Can you believe it’s my birthday tomorrow, Mrs. Jenkins?” I asked as I came out of the shower. “Ten years old.” I sat down at the vanity and let Mrs. Jenkins rub a towel over my wet hair.

She smiled at me in the mirror as she put the towel down and picked up a brush. “Well,” she said, “it’ll be your birthday in only one hour.” I smiled in excitement. “Your papa has spoiled you tonight allowing you to stay up this late.”

Mrs. Jenkins blow-dried my hair and smoothed it down my back with my brush. She fixed my black headband in place, the ends of my hair curling slightly against my shoulders. “Now, I take it you want to wear a blue dress again?” She shook her head. “At least we have a new one. A special one for your birthday. One for older girls.”

“Yes!” I said excitedly. I’d been desperate to wear that dress. I put my hand on her arm. “But now that I’m ten, am I allowed to wear the other socks?” I held my breath, crossing the fingers on my other hand, bouncing from foot to foot, praying she said yes.

Mrs. Jenkins leaned down and kissed my head. “Of course, young lady. You’re a big girl now.”

I shrieked and ran to my closet. I grabbed the black-and-white striped knee-high socks my papa had bought for me last year. They still smelled brand new. When he’d seen them after they arrived in the mail, he told me they were too old for me. But he said I could wear them on my birthday. When I turned ten. Because it would be a special day for me.

I’d be a big girl.

“Where are we going again?” I asked Mrs. Jenkins as I started getting ready in my dress and new socks. When I was dressed, I looked down at my new blue dress. It was tighter than my others had been. Shorter too, and the skirt puffed out off my thighs. There was even a black belt that went around my waist. I fastened it and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes widened. I looked so grown up!

“It’s a surprise.” Mrs. Jenkins brought me a cup of tea. “Here, drink this.” I took the steaming hot tea from her hand and sat down at my vanity. I brought the cup to my nose. I closed my eyes as I smelled the familiar scent of Earl Grey—my absolute favorite. I wouldn’t drink anything else.

I took a sip, then another, and placed it down on the table. Mrs. Jenkins walked out of the door. When she came back, she was holding a box. “Keep drinking that tea, Ellis,” she prompted and stopped before me.

I drank some more of the tea. “What’s in the box?”

Mrs. Jenkins set it down on my lap. There was a blue ribbon tied around the lid. “It’s from your papa.”

Too excited to hold back, I opened the box and pushed back the blue tissue paper to reveal a black leather shoe. No, not a shoe, but a high ankle boot. I picked it up. It had four gold buckles up the side. But the best part was the small heel. Papa never ever let me wear heels; he said they were not for little girls.

But these had heels . . . because he had told me that at ten years old I was no longer little.

“They’re beautiful,” I whispered as I took out the second boot and stared at them together. A pair.

Mrs. Jenkins took the boots from my hand and kneeled down. “Let’s get them on your feet.” I lifted my foot. Mrs. Jenkins paused, the boot at my toe. “Tea,” she said. “I want to see that cup empty before we go downstairs.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I drank the rest in one gulp.

Mrs. Jenkins smiled at me when I showed her the cup was empty. “Good girl,” she crooned and carried on sliding my boots onto my feet.

When she was done, she stood and offered me her hand. “Come now, missy, let’s see if you can stand in them.” I played with my mummy’s old high heels, so I knew that I could. But when I stood from the chair, I wobbled. I clutched onto Mrs. Jenkins. The room tilted a little to the right. I put my hand on my head. “Mrs. . . . Mrs. Jenkins . . . I don’t . . . I don’t feel so good.” I rubbed my eyes. They’d gone blurry.

“You’re fine, Ellis,” she said and clutched at my hand. She looked at the clock on my wall. “It’s midnight, Miss Earnshaw. You’re officially ten years old.” She smiled, but it looked lopsided to my eyes. “Happy birthday!”

“Mrs. . . .” I tried to say again, but she pulled me forward by the hand, toward the door. I held on to her as tightly as I could. My breathing sounded funny in my ears. Like it was whooshing too fast, then too slow, and there was a ringing in the background.

Mrs. Jenkins led me to the elevator and pressed the button. She smiled at me again. I wanted to tell her I still didn’t feel good, but my throat went all funny—it was too tight. I grabbed at my throat, and I felt tears building in my eyes. I closed my eyelids.

I wanted Rabbit.

He always made me feel better. But he kept getting taken from me. I never saw him much anymore. Only when he sneaked into my room at night, without anyone knowing. But when he came, he always acted strange. He always huddled against the wall, rocking back and forth, looking at his watch. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock . . .

But he cuddled me. He always held me close. He never used to, but now he squeezed me so tight I sometimes couldn’t breathe. And last week . . . last week he had even pressed his lips against my head. My heart had nearly exploded. Rabbit had kissed me. I had kissed him on his lips when he was sad. But I never dreamed that he would kiss me.

I wanted that cuddle again now. I wanted that kiss. Heathan always made me feel safe.

I flinched when the elevator door opened and the bright lights from the ceiling hurt my eyes. I tripped on the carpet as I followed Mrs. Jenkins. I glanced down at my hands, and I managed to breathe a little bit. I was still holding my doll, clutching her by her long blond hair.

It will protect you from bad people . . . I heard my mummy’s voice say in my head.

The sound of footsteps made me look up. When I did, I saw Rabbit in the distance. Uncle Clive had his hand on Heathan’s shoulder, and he was leading him to a room. I tried to call out for Heathan, but before I could, Uncle Clive led him into the room and shut the door. I still tried to open my mouth, to ask Mrs. Jenkins where Heathan and Uncle Clive were going, but I couldn’t make my lips move. They were numb.

Was Heathan here for my birthday surprise too?

Was the surprise that I got him back after he had been kept from me for so long?

Mrs. Jenkins stopped outside of Papa’s office door. She fixed my headband and smoothed out my hair. “Your papa is going to think you’re so pretty, Miss Earnshaw. His perfect little girl.”

My eyelids were lazy as I tried to blink. I opened my mouth to tell her I wanted to go back to bed, but my mouth felt too dry to make my tongue work. My lips felt too swollen to open, and I couldn’t form words.

Mrs. Jenkins led me inside Papa’s office. Her hand held mine a little tighter as she shut the door behind us. My papa rose from his chair with a huge smile on his face. “Ellis!” he said and came toward me with his arms held out. He hugged me and held me tightly. He kissed my cheek, making a loud smacking sound on my skin. “Happy birthday, baby.” He stepped back and looked me up and down, holding my arms with his hands. “You look so beautiful.” I swayed as I tried to see him better.

My uncles each give me a tight hug. By the time the last one had stepped back, I felt tears on my cheeks. Help! I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. Something is wrong with me!

“Come here, baby.” Papa led me to the center of a circle of plush leather chairs. He moved to the side of the room, and the sound of “Dear Jessie,” my favorite song in the world, filled the air. My uncles sat down on the chairs, as did my papa. “Dance for us, baby,” Papa said, and suddenly the room stopped tipping to the side.

I tried to shake my head. Heathan had told me never to dance for them again. He told me that every night. He made me promise him, every night. And I hadn’t danced for them, not since the first time he told me.

I didn’t know if they had seen my head shake, but my papa didn’t look happy with me. I gripped my doll’s hair tighter in my fist. “Dance, baby,” he said again. But when I didn’t, he got to his feet. His hand touched my face, followed by his finger running down my cheek. “Did she drink it?” he asked someone over my head, behind me.

“All of it,” Mrs. Jenkins replied. “I made sure of it.” I heard the door open and close as she left the room.

My Uncle John stood and came over to us. He pulled my papa back by his arm and said, “I won the right to tonight, Jacob. I go first. It was a fair deal. I won that poker game fair and square.”

My papa nodded and gestured toward the door. Uncle John slipped his hand in mine then led me out of the room. I turned back to look at my papa, but he was already talking to my other uncles. They were shaking his hand and laughing. Uncle Samuel patted him on the back.

Uncle John yanked on my hand, pulling me forward. The movement caused my fist to open, and my doll fell to the floor. No! I tried to shout as Alice slumped to the carpet, but my mouth still wouldn’t move. I watched her lying on the carpet as Uncle John led me down the hall. We stopped at a door opposite the one Heathan had gone through with Uncle Clive. I reached out and ran my fingers over the wood of Heathan’s door. I tried to call his name. No sound came out. Before I could knock, to get my Rabbit to come to me, to tell Papa and my uncles that I was too sick for their birthday surprise, Uncle John took me inside the room.

He led me to a bed, and I sighed in relief. He could tell I was sick. He was going to let me sleep. He was going to take care of me.

He guided me to the edge of the bed. I sat down, closing my eyes to stop the room spinning, and I felt Uncle John’s hands run over my new striped socks and up my thighs. He lifted my dress, and my eyes rolled open. I jumped, trying to move back as he took hold of the new frilly lace panties Mrs. Jenkins had given me as my present. Uncle John smiled at me, then leaned in and kissed me on my lips as he ran the panties down my legs. When he had taken them off my feet, he pushed them into his pants pocket.

“Lie down, baby girl.” He smoothed his hand over my hair. My heart was beating fast. I shook my head, but he pushed on my shoulder, flattening me to the mattress. He crawled above me, and when I looked down, he was holding something in his hand. I couldn’t tell what, but he was moving it back and forth. His cheeks were red, his breathing had gone funny, like he was out of breath, and he leaned down and kissed me again. “Happy happy birthday, baby girl,” he whispered in my ear, then I felt his hand move. Move to a place I didn’t want him to go.

No! I wanted to shout, but the light above me swayed and I couldn’t move. I blinked and blinked again. Something hurt. It hurt so bad that tears fell from my eyes.

Alice, my doll, wasn’t there. She wasn’t there to protect me like my mummy had told me.

“Heathan,” I tried to whisper, but my mouth didn’t move. “Heathan,” I tried again, but I think it only sounded in my head. “I don’t . . . I don’t like my birthday present, Rabbit . . . it . . . hurts . . . help me . . . take me away, down the rabbit hole, to Wonderland.”

But Heathan never came.

Wonderland never came.

The rabbit hole could not be found.

So I just closed my eyes . . .

* * *

I was so cold as I walked behind my uncle, back to the office. Goosebumps raced across my body, and my lips were shaking. They shook so badly I couldn’t stop them.

I was limping. Between my legs hurt so much that tears still fell down my cheeks. But Uncle John ignored my pain, instead patting me on my head and telling me I was a good girl. He told me we were closer now. All of us. That all of my uncles wanted to get just as close as we had . . . because they loved me so much. That it was my birthday present.

I didn’t think I wanted them that close. But I didn’t dare say.

Uncle John pushed through the office door and led me back toward the circle. I saw my Alice doll on my papa’s desk. I wanted to hug her. I wanted her to make me feel better, to protect me. Maybe if she was in my arms the pain between my legs wouldn’t be so bad.

But then I heard a whispered “No . . .” come from the circle. I looked up. My heart fell and a big fat lump filled my throat when I saw Heathan in the middle. Another of my uncles was holding him, about to lead him past me out of the door. I shook my head to see him better. I wiped the tears from my eyes. But when I did, all I felt was sadness. He was getting thin. And his pretty silver-gray eyes looked different. They were red and had big dark circles under them. They no longer shone.

My bottom lip wobbled. I lifted my arms, holding them out, wanting to hug him. Rabbit always kept me safe and warm. And I felt so so cold. He would make me feel warm. And maybe . . . maybe I could make him feel better too.

Maybe we could have another kiss.

“No . . .” he said again, but this time his voice was louder and his mouth grew tight. “Dolly.” He pushed Uncle Samuel’s hand off his shoulder. Uncle Samuel slammed his hand down on Heathan’s arm, but Heathan fought his grip and got away. He ran to me and threw his arms around me. I gripped him as hard as I could.

He was shaking.

His breathing was funny.

I inhaled deeply . . . Heathan. He might look different, but he still smelled like my Heathan.

Dark. The only way I could explain his scent was dark.

He stepped back and looked down. His eyes widened when he looked at my thighs, then his body shook even harder. He was so angry. I leaned against him and looked down at what he’d been looking at. All I could see was red. My socks were crumpled around my ankles, at the top of my new boots, but all my skin was red.

I gasped when I realized what I was seeing.

“Rabbit,” I managed to whisper. “Is . . . is that blood?”

My head was woozy. Rabbit turned and pushed me back against my papa’s desk. I sat on the edge, needing the rest. He stood in front of me. Blocking me from my papa and uncles. I peeked around his arm to see what was happening.

“I want them both,” I heard Uncle Lester say. “I want them at the same time. Fuck the poker games, I’ll pay whatever I have to to have them. Just look at them together . . . the way he loves her. Protects her. The way she gravitates to him. They are like magnets.” He shook his head. “For years I watched them get closer. You can’t create that kind of connection.” He sucked in his bottom lip. “Imagine how explosive just ten minutes with them both would be . . . You know I like the fight. Ready, able and willing is so fucking boring.”

Heathan made a choked noise in his throat. Then my papa came toward us. I ducked lower behind Heathan’s shoulder. I tensed. I didn’t like my papa much right now. He let Uncle John hurt me.

“Get back,” Heathan snarled. “Fuck me all you want, but touch her again and I’ll fucking kill you all. No one touches Dolly.”

My papa paused, all of my uncles did . . . then they all started laughing. The loud laughter hurt my ears; their open, laughing mouths wounded my eyes. I wanted them to stop. Wanted them to stop laughing at my Rabbit. I pressed my hands over my ears and tried to stop the laughing.

“Move aside, Heathan. You’re both going to have some fun with Uncle Lester.”

“Take me. Leave her.” Heathan moved so close to me that his back was flat against my chest. I didn’t like the way Heathan’s back smelled. It smelled of smoke again . . . like my uncles.

Like Uncle John had smelled.

“Last chance, boy,” my papa warned Heathan. “Don’t push me. This honorable shit is admirable, but futile.”

Then suddenly, Uncle Eric rushed from the back of the room, right at Heathan. Heathan reached behind us and ran his hand along the desk. He took something in his hands. As Uncle Eric grabbed Heathan’s black hair to pull him away from me, Heathan reached up and did something to Uncle Eric’s neck.

My eyes snapped shut. They wouldn’t let me see what Heathan had done. I heard a grunt, and a thud, and Heathan’s body was no longer pressed against mine. I opened and rubbed my eyes, and when I lowered them to the ground, I saw Heathan stabbing Uncle Eric’s throat . . . his chest . . . his stomach. Blood spat up and splashed my face, the warm liquid spilling down my cheeks.

Heathan’s black clothes were covered in red, as were his face, his hands, every inch of bare skin.

My papa and Uncle Lester lurched forward and pulled Heathan off Uncle Eric. I let out a scream when they hit my Rabbit . . . they hit him and hit him again. Heathan dropped whatever he was holding, and I realized what the blood-covered object was. Papa’s letter opener lay on the floor, the one engraved with a picture of the King of Hearts. Papa and my uncles loved to play poker. They always had cards lying about the house. Hearts was Papa’s favorite suit.

I looked at Uncle Eric on the floor, studying him harder, and I cried out. He was so still, and his eyes were open and staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t blinking. Blood poured from his neck.

“Rabbit!” I felt my tears coming faster. I needed him. I wanted to protect him. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t hurt. “Rabbit . . .” I sobbed as he fought to get back to me. He punched out at my papa, at my uncles, but he couldn’t get away.

“Dolly . . . Dol . . . ly . . .” he spat out as Uncle John wrapped his arm around Heathan’s throat. Heathan couldn’t speak, but his eyes never left mine. My hand reached out for him.

Papa ran to the phone beside me. He made a call, hung up and walked back to Heathan, who was still struggling against Uncle John’s arm. “You’ve fucked up, boy.”

“Leave her alone,” Heathan snarled, turning his head from Uncle John’s grip. My papa hit Heathan again. Heathan’s lip split open, blood dripping down his chin. Papa kept hitting him. And hitting him until Heathan’s teeth were coated in blood. Heathan sneered at my papa, blood and spit dripping to the floor.

I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I jumped off the desk and ran over to stop it. But Papa took hold of my arm and pushed me against his chest. Heathan looked me in the face. There was so much blood. My papa’s mouth arrived at my ear. “Say goodbye to your little friend, baby.” I stilled. “He’s going away now . . . to a place he can’t come back from.”

“No!” Heathan and I shouted at the same time. Papa stroked my hair as I stared at Heathan. Heathan stared at me too. I was crying. Crying so hard because my heart was breaking. Heathan was my best friend. My most favorite person in the world. I didn’t want him to go away.

He didn’t have any other friends.

I was his Dolly.

He was my Rabbit.

I . . . I loved him . . .

Then I saw it. I looked into Heathan’s silver eyes as a single tear slid out of one corner. I gasped, and my heart shattered into tiny pieces. Because Rabbit never cried. Never ever cried. Not even when his papa died did he shed a tear.

But he was crying now . . .

Because he was being taken away from me.

“Don’t . . . don’t cry, Rabbit,” I whispered. My throat was closing up. I was so sad I could barely speak. I tried to reach out and push the falling tear from his cheek, but my papa hit my hand away.

I heard the door open behind me. “Take her to her room,” my papa said without looking around. Mrs. Jenkins’s hand took hold of mine. I jerked it away. I needed to stay with Heathan. I was scared. Scared they were going to hurt him.

Papa tucked my hair behind my ear. “Say goodbye to Heathan, baby.”

“No!” I shouted, shaking my head.

Heathan struggled to get out of my uncle’s hold, but he couldn’t. I pushed forward, escaping the invisible chains that seemed to have locked me in place, and wrapped my arms around Heathan’s neck. I heard the sound of a car coming from outside and held him tighter. “Rabbit . . . I’m scared.” I felt the tear from his cheek kiss my own.

“I’m coming back for you, Dolly,” he whispered. “Wait for me. I’m gonna come back for you. To take you from this place . . . to Wonderland. Okay?”

My sob turned into a hiccup. “Okay.” Then Heathan put his mouth to my ear and said, “My vest pocket. Take it.”

I reached inside and pulled out his pocket watch. I clutched it in my palm, and then Mrs. Jenkins was dragging me from the room. “Heathan!” I screamed. I caught his eyes with my own and spoke what was in my heart. “I love you, Rabbit!” His eyes widened. “You’re my best friend!”

I didn’t hear Heathan’s reply, because I tripped over something. I nearly threw up when I saw it was Uncle Eric.

“Rabbit!” Now I’d found the words again, I couldn’t stop calling for Heathan, wanting my Rabbit to hold me. I cried his name over and over until Mrs. Jenkins threw me into my bedroom and slammed the door shut. I screamed and screamed, banging on the door, raking at the wood with my polished nails, but she didn’t come back. She had locked me inside.

I heard car doors opening outside my room. I ran to the window and pressed my hand against the glass. A big black van was in front of the house. Papa came outside, followed by two of my uncles, who were holding Heathan. I shouted his name, slamming at the pane of glass, as they threw him in the back. And I screamed when the van pulled away, taking my heart with it.

I watched the van drive away until I could no longer see the taillights.

My papa and uncles walked back inside the house. I cried and cried for hours as I watched the driveway, but Heathan and the van never came back. My legs wobbled, no longer able to hold me up, and I slid down the wall. I crashed down to the floor, the pain between my legs making me moan. And I stared at the door. I didn’t know if my papa or my uncles would return, so I just stared, praying they wouldn’t come.

My lip trembled as I remembered that Heathan had said he was coming back for me. That I just had to wait until he did. I looked down at my hand. It was in a fist. Even though it was shaking, I opened my fingers. Blood covered my palm, but when I wiped the blood away, I saw Heathan’s pocket watch in my hand. I stared at the cracked glass . . . at the two hands on the face. And I heard him in my head. I’m coming back for you . . .

My Rabbit was going to return and get me. Until then, I would count down the time. I gasped. The hands that had always been broken had jerked to life. They were moving! The hands were moving! I was seeing what Heathan always saw. It wasn’t all pretend . . . I could see them tell the time!

Lifting the watch to my ear, I kept my eyes on the door, checking for movement from the hallway and anyone coming inside. I tapped at the watch—just like Heathan did—and whispered, “Tick tock.” I swallowed, smiling as I heard the tick-tock of the clockwork hands. I knew Rabbit would never break his promise to me. “Tick tock . . . tick tock . . . tick tock . . .” I whispered to the rhythm of the watch, over and over again, until my voice no longer worked.

Tick tock . . . tick tock . . . tick tock.

I would count until my Rabbit came home.