Chapter 12
I promised to take you, take you to the stars.
Way past Pluto, once we clear Mars.
We’ll dance in the black, and I will right all my wrongs,
And before our fall from Heaven, we’ll sing our old songs.
So long that we’ve danced, we’ll forget how they go,
Mumble a few words, then bask in our glow.
I’ll teach you to fly, And you’ll teach me to win.
Made me survive, and taught me to sin.
—Letters D and S
HE LEFT Miki asleep in his bed. The afternoon had been filled with cops, questions, and curious looks that made Miki shuffle his feet and retreat behind an icy mask of cynicism and aloofness. It’d gotten to the point where Miki couldn’t even put together the timeline of events, and he stumbled when trying to get his thoughts together. His body grew tense, tightening with stress as each minute passed, and Kane finally broke off the questioning, secreting Miki back in the warehouse where he could collapse on the bed.
A call to the station ensured the presence of a patrol car in front of Miki’s warehouse, but Kane still scanned the main street as he drove away, memorizing the cars clustered near Miki’s driveway in case they needed to be rousted when he came back.
In a city whose lifeblood was tourism, finding a quiet spot was still relatively easy. Driving from Miki’s place, he slid into Chinatown’s busy traffic, heading toward Mission street. The spiced aroma of sizzling meats wafted through the district, and locals fought for space on the sidewalks alongside visitors, heading to favorite hole-in-the-wall places for a late lunch.
He pulled into a space near St. Patrick’s and strolled to the tall brick building, stopping on the sidewalk to let a pair of wind-burnt women in floppy hats finish taking pictures of the church. Kane mounted the short flight of cement steps, entered the church where he’d spent his childhood Sunday mornings, and took a deep breath, inhaling the sweet scent of ancient wood, candle wax, and old paper. After dipping his fingers into the font, Kane crossed himself, dabbing the water on his body. Dipping his head toward the central altar, he continued to walk along the back aisle, then slid into a pew at the rear of the left conclave.
It was an old church with a history that stretched back decades before the Great Quake. Originally built to serve the area’s Irish community, the congregation grew to embrace the Latino and Filipino families that moved into the area. The ornate altar and stained glass windows were framed by arched ceilings and slender marble columns, the cream interior softened by years of burning candles and seasoned stone. The building continued on through the worst of the city’s times, opening its door for those who needed its gentle grace, especially to a growing Morgan family.
It’d become Kane’s sanctuary, one he’d come to when he needed to find peace, whether it was inside or out.
Leaning into the hard wood, Kane closed his eyes and took another breath, letting the cool quiet of the church seep into him. He had a couple of hours before the five o’clock mass, and St. Patrick’s was empty, giving him some solitude. He’d only steeped in the calming silence for a few minutes when a heavy hand clasped his shoulder. Jerking up from his slouch, Kane hissed in slight annoyance when his brother Connor slid into the pew next to him, jostling him with an elbow jab to his left side.
“Stalking me?” Kane muttered.
“Nah, I could smell you from across the city, so I stopped by to tell you to bathe,” Connor murmured back under his breath.
They kept their voices down, more from habit than fear of disturbing anyone else in the empty church, but it was a long-ingrained behavior neither one of them could break. Sitting in the pew next to Connor, Kane felt like he was a little kid again, edging his brother with a few well placed kicks to get Connor to move down to give him more room. The Morgans once took up an entire pew, slowly filling out to two and then three when the boys reached their full breadth. Now their schedules made it hard to attend, but their parents still had a few offspring sitting beside them in the back of the church, as if they still ran the risk of their father taking them outside for misbehaving.
“I saw your car parked across the street,” Connor said, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the pew in front of them. “I was heading up to the house, and thought I’d stop in to see what you were up to.”
Kane grumbled and shoved Connor’s shoulder with his fist. “Nice of you to stop by, now go on to Mom and Dad’s.”
“Did you call Mom to tell her you weren’t coming to dinner?”
“She wasn’t home. I left a message,” Kane replied. “Things got… fucked up. I don’t want to leave Miki alone for too long. I’ve got a couple of uniforms in front of the house right now, but I’ve got to head back.”
“So you came here?” Connor swept his hand in front of him, waving at the church’s Irish-influenced interior. “Thought you and God weren’t on speaking terms.”
“God and I are good.” He snorted. “It’s me and the Church that’s got some problems. Doesn’t mean I’m not Catholic. Just means they’ve got to get their shit together a bit. Not like I came here for the cookies and juice.”
“True, they suck,” his older brother murmured. “Yeah, I guess if Mom and Dad still love you, I’m pretty sure God’s okay with you too.”
Resigned to his brother’s company, Kane shoved his hands in his pockets and gave Connor a sidelong look. “Okay, tell me the real reason you’re here. Mom sent you to hunt me down, didn’t she?”
“Nope.” Connor winked at his younger brother. “I really stopped because I was worried about you. Last time I saw you, you were wrapped up tight around that kid I left you with. Now, I find you here looking for God. You don’t think I’d be worried?”
“I’m okay, dude,” Kane reassured him. “I just needed some thinking time. And Miki’s not a kid. He’s only a few years younger than me.”
“Looks like he just rolled out of high school. You sure he’s old enough to buy booze?” The man rumbled as he spoke, and Kane smirked, recalling when his brother’s voice squeaked and jerked down as he shot up in height. Kane soon followed, their gawky bodies stumbling over their growing feet and slamming into walls that suddenly seemed to narrow in on them. He’d been a bit jealous that Connor outstripped him in bulk, always the older and bigger brother, but with his brother sitting next to him, Kane found an odd comfort in his brother’s mass.
“Yeah, he’s old enough,” Kane replied. “Old enough for a lot of things, but that’s… kind of the problem.”
“Talk to me, K.” Connor turned his head to look at his younger brother. “You can tell me what’s bugging you.”
Kane knew he could. While he’d been close to Quinn, it’d been Connor he turned to when things went to shit. His big brother was the rock in his life, the person he bounced his insanity off of before he had to trot out his problems to his parents. Even from a young age, Connor had been serious, a stalwart and calming influence on everyone around him. He’d been the one to lead the charge when the Morgan boys finally had enough of the Delany clan’s bullying.
Connor also took the blame when Kane knocked out five of Mike Delany’s teeth and broke his jaw enough that it had to be wired shut. He’d been set to cleaning out the garage and basement for punishment, only nodding in silent thanks when Kane and Quinn joined in to help.
“It’s your Miki, huh?” Connor grunted and settled back besides his brother. “He seemed nice. Stubborn. Kind of fragile but okay.”
“He’s… strong and… yeah, stubborn.” Kane couldn’t stop his smile and bashfully ducked his head when Connor teasingly poked him in the ribs. “There’s just so much crap he’s lived through. It’s fucking hell to deal with, and I feel like shit saying that.”
“Why?” his brother asked. “Just you and me here, dude. You can say anything you want.”
Kane lifted his chin up and stared down at the rows of pews. Sifting through the tangle of thoughts clouding his mind, he settled on the first thing surfacing amid the noise.
“I’m scared to love him. He… fucking scares me so much.” He shook his head, unable to find the ends to the shattered emotions inside of him. “He’s really screwed up, Con. There’s nothing inside of him to build on. He’s got a fucking dead best friend who’s the closest thing to family he’s ever had, and now there’s these two assholes who raped him when he was a kid standing in front of him like vengeful ghosts. He left those guys behind, and here they are again… one’s dead and the other’s probably a stiff too, but it’s like they’re alive and walking around him. I’m scared to touch him. I’m fucking scared to want him because all I can think about is if he’ll feel them on him when I touch him.”
Kane’s voice broke, and he gritted his teeth, refusing to give in to the confusion overwhelming him. Connor’s hand formed a solid warmth in the middle of his back, and Kane took a breath, trying to steady himself before he spoke again.
“Did you tell him that?” Connor asked. “Did you tell him you want him?”
“Yeah.” Kane nodded and ran his hands through his hair, frustrated at the man he’d left behind in a bed he wanted to share. “We’ve known each other for what? A couple of weeks? It’s not some damned fairy tale where I kiss him and everything’s okay. He’s fucked up, Con. Really fucked up, and it kills me. I hate that this crap happened to him. I hate that no one gave a shit about him, and I don’t know what the hell to do about it.”
“Do you love him?” Connor pressed. “You know what that feels like, K. Do you love him? Or just pity him? You’ve got enough scars on you from pitying things.”
“I don’t know,” Kane admitted. “Honestly? It’s not pity. It isn’t. Could I love him? Shit, Con, I like him. It’s good with us. He makes me feel… electric… inside. I think about him. I wonder what he’s doing and if he’s eaten something for lunch. I like that he sings when he’s not thinking about it. It’s like he has a constant soundtrack going. He makes me… feel, Con. He makes me feel like I’m more than I am when I’m with him. Even when he’s giving me shit about something, it feels good.”
“Then love him.” His brother rubbed the middle of Kane’s back, tapping along his spine with his fingers. “If he makes you feel good, then he’s good for you. It’s not rocket science, K.”
When he was a kid, he trailed after Connor, wanting more than anything to be just like his older brother. Sitting next to him on the pew they’d waged their Sunday battles on, Kane realized not much had changed. He still wanted to be just like his slightly older but much wiser brother.
“What about the other… shit?” Kane turned his head to look at Connor. “What do I do about the crap that he’s gone through. Suppose he can’t deal with me touching him?”
“Has he had sex before? With other guys?”
“Yeah,” Kane said, frowning. “Sort of. Kind of back room shit. Nothing serious. Not a relationship.”
“Then don’t you think he’ll be okay with someone who actually likes him?” Connor asked. “Sometimes, little brother, you complicate shit you don’t need to. Talk to him. Kiss the fuck out of him and go from there. If you’re going to give him anything, make him feel safe. Make sure he knows he can say no if things get too much for him.”
“You think it’s that easy?” Kane eyed his brother.
“Nope,” Connor said, shaking his head. “I think you’re going to have a fucking hard time of it, but let me ask you; is he worth it?”
Kane didn’t have to think hard. He remembered Miki sitting up on the counter as he cooked, singing an old tune by Aerosmith while Kane grilled their steaks. He loved the flash of gold in the man’s hazel eyes when Sanchez pushed him too hard and the jut of Miki’s chin as he defied Kane’s temper to defend a dog he loved but was afraid would move on. He wanted to kiss away the pain on Miki’s mouth when his knee was bothering him and lick at the man’s dark plum nipples until Miki’s hands were digging into Kane’s shoulders.
Most of all, Kane wanted to hear Miki’s husky voice rasp his name as he stretched him open with a thrust of his cock and moan with need when Kane’s arms cradled him close.
“Yeah, he’s worth it,” Kane whispered.
“Then quit being a selfish dick. Stop thinking about how you’re going to deal with this and concentrate on how he’s going to get through it,” Connor scolded in his soft, deep voice. “The shit that’s happened to him is his shit. So you get a little bit on you. So fucking what? You should be wading in it to reach him… to pull him out of it. You’re a Morgan. Act like one. Act like the baby brother I know I have.”
Kane smirked, turning his head to the side so his brother couldn’t see his face. Connor slapped him on the shoulder anyway, the sound echoing in the vastness of the church’s interior.
“Thanks, Con,” he said, rubbing at the sting Connor left behind. “For stopping.”
“No worries,” Connor said. He stood, nudging his brother with his fist. “Come on. You’ve got to go deal with falling in love. I’ll go make your excuses to Mom for you. Call me if there’s any more shit that happens.”
“Yeah, no problem.” Kane followed his brother out, shuffling sideways to get out of the pew. “Tell Mom I said I love her and I’ll give her a call.”
“Oh no,” his older brother replied caustically. “I’ll tell her you’re skipping dinner. Sucking up to her? You’re going to have to do that all on your own, little brother.”
HE WAS woken up by a kiss.
Miki felt the skim of lips over his jaw and then Kane’s soft breath on his lobe. The Irish-tinted words Kane murmured into his ear were promises, wicked things he wanted to do with Miki until they both were covered in sweat and too tired to move. Kane’s teeth nipped at the tender skin beneath Miki’s ear, sending shivers down Miki’s spine.
He kept his eyes closed, letting Kane’s hands roam over his arms, then up over his shoulders. Tilting his head up, Miki gave the man his throat, and he moaned helplessly, driven to distraction when Kane’s teeth raked over his neck, then down over the jut of his collarbone. Suddenly, his T-shirt felt too hot, too constricting, and Miki writhed under the fabric, needing to tear it loose from his body. Kane nibbled on his throat again, drawing Miki’s shirt up until the fabric pooled near his armpits. His fingers found Miki’s nipples, and he pulled at them until they ruched under his touch.
“Let me see those beautiful eyes of yours, Miki love,” Kane whispered, lightly pulling on Miki’s lip with a gentle bite. “Let me see that gold you hide behind those pretty lashes.”
“God, that’s… cheesy,” Miki accused, but he opened his eyes and found himself staring up into Kane’s handsome face. “Hey, where’s Dude?”
“Really? That’s what’s crossed your mind when I’m doing this?” Kane laughed at Miki’s snort. “I gave him a bone with lots of meat on it. Thought it would be a good idea to keep him busy.”
The late afternoon sun crept past the openings between the heavy draperies slung across the room’s windows. A sliver of buttery light fell on Kane’s face and bare chest, throwing long shadows behind the ridges of his muscles and bones. Kane watched Miki study him, his cop’s eyes taking in everything around him.
A tiny shift of the bridge and a thin white crease marred the strong line of his nose, and from the speck of scarring on his upper lip, it looked like he’d taken a fist to his mouth. Miki leaned forward and blew a puff of air into Kane’s face, rolling onto his back when the man jerked up and flailed a hand at him.
“Brat.” Kane snorted, trying to clear the tickle from his nose. Glaring at Miki, he grumbled, “A kiss would have been nicer.”
“This was funnier,” Miki laughed. It was odd having a warm body near him, a sensual length of skin and muscle wrapped around his stomach and lying along the curve of his back.
It felt good.
It felt weird. Weird but good, especially since that body was Kane’s.
Miki stretched out, tensing his leg in case his knee rebelled. It ran a little hot, spiking flares up and down his calf, but when he twisted his ankle, his knee didn’t do much more than mutter a mild complaint.
His cock, however, had plenty of suggestions for what to do with the man lying beside him.
“Your knee up for this?” Kane’s breath whispered over Miki’s face, and he inhaled, pulling the man’s scent into his chest. “Are you up for this?”
“No, no. I’m good.” Miki shifted on the mattress, sliding his free leg up between Kane’s thighs. “It doesn’t hurt. Okay, it doesn’t hurt more than it usually does. I’m okay.”
“Yeah?” Kane’s mouth turned wicked. “’Cause I can think of a lot of things to do with you like this.”
Their kiss was hard, packed with a sweetness Kane could taste down his spine. Kane cupped Miki’s face, stroking at the man’s cheekbone briefly, then sliding his thumb into the crease of Miki’s lips. Gently urging with a press of his hand, Kane plundered Miki’s mouth, driving his tongue deep into the man’s hot moistness. Moaning, Miki arched, working his hips up until he fit into the curve of Kane’s belly. Twisting the rest of the way, he partially lay on his side, sliding his left leg carefully between Kane’s thighs.
Kane’s cock thickened when Miki’s cotton-covered thigh brushed against it. Even through the layers of clothing, Miki’s heat engorged Kane’s shaft, and the cop moved into the touch, ignoring everything beyond stoking the fire raging between them.
He bit Miki’s lower lip, a light brush of his teeth on the plumpness he’d wanted to gorge on for the past couple of weeks. The moans coming from Miki’s mouth made Kane’s cock harden, and he mindlessly ground his hips against Miki’s thigh. Grasping Miki’s wrist, he guided the man’s hand down until Kane could feel the press of Miki’s fingers against the denim barrier between them.
“God, I want in you so bad,” Kane murmured into the recesses of Miki’s mouth.
Teasingly, the man’s tongue darted out and played along the width of Kane’s chin, scraping the flat over the stubble growing on Kane’s jaw. Growling, Kane bent his head and nipped at the tender skin on Miki’s neck until the man arched his spine and threw his head back, exposing his long throat to Kane’s teeth.
It was an invitation Kane could not ignore.
There were so many things Miki wanted to say… to scrape loose from his brain and rip his heart free. Kane’s murmuring kisses felt so damned good… a deep good that touched places inside of him he’d always thought would remain dark. He couldn’t trust that feeling. It was too frightening… too new… too sweet of a taste for his soul to handle.
And he wanted more of it.
Miki didn’t want it to fucking end. And he was scared to death he’d see Kane walk away before he could get his fill.
“You make me want weird things, you know? Like, normal things.” He eyed the man lying over him. “It’s stupid and sick. Like one of those cards you open up and it sings Carly Simon at you.”
“Is that a bad thing?” Kane’s expression sobered, and he stared down into Miki’s face, searching for something, but Miki couldn’t imagine what. The man’s fingertips were a soft, feathery touch on his cheek, and Miki leaned into Kane’s palm, enjoying the roughness of the man’s hand on his skin. “The normal things you want, not the singing card. The only thing I want singing is you.”
“Okay, that was cheesy.” Miki wrinkled his nose at Kane. “Worse than that other thing.”
“I mean it, you know.” He bent his head down and ghosted a kiss over Miki’s mouth. “You make me want. And crazy. You make me nuts, Miki boy. I like the crazy you make me.”
Miki’s shy smile earned him a kiss. Then another until Miki couldn’t breathe. They broke, separating long enough for him to get a gasp of air in, and his lips burned with the memory of Kane’s mouth. The man’s hands moved up under Miki’s shirt, peeling it up over his shoulders. They fought with the shirt as it clung to Miki’s skin and arms until Kane tugged it free and threw it to the side.
“You’re wearing too much clothes,” Miki grumbled. He tried to reach Kane’s waistband, but the man grabbed his wrist before he could undo the metal button.
“I need to talk to you first,” Kane murmured, leaving a searing kiss on the corner of Miki’s mouth. “I need to talk to you about Carl… and Shing.”
Kane was serious. Miki could see the worry and concern in every line of Kane’s body. Even the skim of his fingers over Miki’s throat was a stuttering, feathery touch, as if the man was afraid he’d break.
“I don’t want them in this room with us,” Miki growled and captured Kane’s face in his hands, forcing the man to look straight at him. “I didn’t bring them in here. I don’t want you to either. For once in my fucking life, Kane, can’t I just be with you? Without having anyone else inside of me? ’Cause you’re the only one I want inside of me. Not them. You.”