“When’s Toby coming back?”

Meredith had been waiting for the question. Caleb kept running to the window after every noise he heard. It was almost suppertime and Toby generally showed up before noon. Since he claimed he’d show up in the morning, Meredith wasn’t sure what to think about his absence.

It was good news for everyone involved in the long run. That didn’t mean Meredith’s heart wasn’t crumbling in her chest. It was excruciating to think she wouldn’t see Toby’s dimples ever again.

“He mentioned he needed to go home for some meetings and such, so I suspect that’s where he’s at.”

“Then maybe we should go over to his cabin and see if he’s done.”

Caleb was glued to the window. It’d been about thirty minutes since he decided it was easier to take his chair over there and just wait.

Meredith had Grace curled up in her arms. The baby was fed, had a clean diaper and was sleeping. She’d been fussy most of the day, more than likely picking up on the mood in the house.

“Why don’t you come over here so we can talk about Toby.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No, honey. Come over and sit down.”

Looking back at her, Caleb shook his head. He quickly turned back to his post.

“When I said Toby was home, I meant he went back to where he lived before he moved here.”

It was hard to know how much was too much information for Caleb. He asked so many questions that she had to give him enough to halt his inquisitiveness, but she got the feeling he wouldn’t stop at hearing Toby went away.

“When’s he coming back?”

  Meredith sighed and laid Grace down on the couch. If Caleb wasn’t going to come sit with her, she was going to him. His stubborn streak was likely going to lead him to sitting in the chair until he fell asleep.

After making sure Grace didn’t stir, Meredith kissed her forehead and stood up. She’d been sitting with her left leg curled underneath her, so it felt like spiders crawled up her foot as she tried to wake it.

“I know you like Toby, honey, but he has a life back in New York City that he can’t just walk away from.”

“Then we should’ve gone with him. He told me he doesn’t like being away from us.”

Caleb didn’t look at Meredith as she made her way over to him. His bottom lip was in the beginning phases of sticking out. She’d known from the beginning that Toby was going to be a problem. She should’ve stuck to her guns and shut him out, but there was just something about him she wanted to know more about.

Sadly, she’d never know exactly what that something was. Between spending days trying to keep up with two kids and a few kisses, she’d barely been able to crack the surface.

Sometimes when Toby was around she felt like a charity case, like he was only there because she was alone. The man was gorgeous and there was absolutely no reason for him to be hanging out in the middle of the woods, attempting to see to all her needs. He had a life full of fame and money back in New York, where he belonged.

The bad part was that other times, Meredith felt like he was a missing part of her life. It was sort of like she’d been lost in the woods, wandering aimlessly for years, and then he appeared and showed her the way home. He was smart, kind, gorgeous beyond belief, and for some crazy reason he wanted to be with her.

None of it made a lick of sense, and maybe that was why it hurt so bad. If her feelings about the situation were stable, maybe pushing him away would’ve been easier. The war going on inside of her about the right thing to do versus what her heart wanted made her want to cry, but she refused to do so in front of the kids.

Meredith crouched down next to Caleb and sighed. His hands were tucked in his lap, so she took one of them and wrapped her fingers around his. Her hand was cold, as it tended to be, while his was warm.

“I know you’re close to Toby, but this isn’t his home up here, Caleb. He has a job back home and friends and family that miss him.”

“But he said he was quitting so he could stay here with us. He said when winter comes, he’s going to teach me to play hockey.”

Blinking rapidly, Meredith shook her head. The boys went on little walks every once in a while and it sounded like they talked about more than just the nature growing around them. Clearly, she should’ve pushed the two of them to learn about what topics were being covered.

“I think we’re going to have to wait and see what happens while he’s gone. He’s spent so much time up here with us that he might have forgotten what life is like back home. He’s got a big house and people back there who may change his mind.”

“Then we should move to his place. I bet he misses us.”

That idea was hard to prove or disprove. Toby had only been away for a few hours, so chances were good he was still in kind of a potentially missing phase and not actually missing them. Missing someone in that short amount of time seemed silly, and yet, as Meredith thought about it, she missed Toby.

“If Toby lived somewhere else, maybe we could move in with him. It’s just not possible where he’s living.”

Meredith brushed Caleb’s bangs up so they didn’t hang in his eyes. The boy was in need of a haircut, but she didn’t figure he was in the mood for one right that second. The task was added to a mental to-do list that never seemed to get shorter.

“I don’t understand,” Caleb said with a break in his voice. She didn’t see any tears, but it sounded like they were on their way. “You said he has a big house and I promise I’ll be good. Let’s go live with him.”

It was like she was finding out how many different ways a heart could break all at once. Meredith needed a time machine to go back and make sure Toby never entered their lives.

“You’re always a good boy, so that’s a given. This is one of those cases where you’re going to have to wait until your older to understand what’s going on.”

Meredith thought about using the chance to ask why Toby was so different than Paul in his mind. They’d hemmed and hawed about the subject a little, but Caleb had never put into words why he wanted Toby as a new father and not Paul. Reminding him of Lawrence was one thing, but there appeared to be more.

Something out of the corner of her eye kept her from asking. There seemed to always been movement outside thanks to the wind, but generally the objects moving around weren’t white or tacked to a tree.

“What’s that on the tree?”

She pointed to make sure Caleb’s eyes were looking in the right direction. He’d been staring out the window long enough that he had to have seen it.

“A piece of paper.”

There was a slight indication that Caleb left a “duh” off the end of the sentence. Even in her messed up mood, she found the need to roll her eyes.

“I know it’s a piece of paper. What’s it doing on that tree?”

Meredith looked back to her son in time to see him shrug. Since he hadn’t said anything about it before it caught her eye, she thought he’d have an idea of what it was.

“I’m not tall enough to put it there.”

There was that, but there were plenty of chairs around he could’ve tried to move. She wasn’t sure how long it’d been there, but they’d stayed inside all day, so she should’ve known an outside force was probably at work.

“Can you keep an eye on Grace for a second while I go get it? She hasn’t moved any, but I don’t want her falling off the couch.”

Meredith verified her claim of no movement. The baby looked to still be tucked towards the back of the cushion.

“Sure.”

Caleb didn’t sound particularly enthused about it, but he could be trusted with the simple task. Thinking about what was on the paper and who had left it quickly started to take over Meredith’s imagination. She was ninety percent sure who left it, but the contents scared her half to death. Even after pushing him away, she didn’t want to read a goodbye letter. She needed more time to process before it was written in stone.

The tree with the paper attached to it was only five feet from the front door, so it took seconds to get to it after she opened the door and stepped outside. It was only seconds, but it felt sort of like slow motion to Meredith.

Having never seen Toby’s handwriting, it took a second to establish it was from him. She immediately looked for a signature, and saw the “love” and his name to solidify any questions. Glancing back to the top, she started reading.

 

Meredith,

 

I am absolutely horrible about writing letters, but you tend to make it impossible to say things in person. There are times you almost make me come around to your way of thinking as far as we’re concerned. I feel your fear like it is part of me, and I will do anything within my power to free you of it.

That’s why I’ve gone back to New York. My mission here before last night was already going to be hectic, but you’ve given me new purpose. I’m not giving up on us, so that means I have to find a way to clean up the mess here. I’m not sure how to go about that, but I’m going to ask Charlie for some advice and try to figure out the whole story.

There’s got to be a way for us to be together without hiding in the middle of nowhere. Not that I don’t enjoy hiding with you. I just don’t want you to be afraid. I’m hoping my trip will be contained to the original week I expected to be here, but truth be told, I’m not sure how long it’s going to take to make sure you’re free from whatever’s holding you hostage here.

I just wanted to leave you with some assurance that I’ll be back and that I love you. Make sure to tell Caleb that I’m not disappearing. Last week he made me promise that I wouldn’t and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I’ll be back, I just don’t know when yet.

 

Love,

 

Toby

 

P.S. I really wish you had a phone up there. I’ll pick us up some satellite phones or something to make sure we can always stay connected.

 

There were parts of the letter that made tears want to come to Meredith’s eyes, especially when he mentioned Caleb, but fire and anger were what Meredith immediately felt. Toby was smart to do the lovey dovey stuff at the end, but the middle was all she could think about.

She knew Charlie was his lawyer brother, someone who didn’t need to be advised on how messed up her life was. The second Toby started poking around, flags were going to be sent up and the life Meredith had would be over. She couldn’t let that happen. At that point, it could’ve already been too late. Depending on stops, it was a five or six hour drive down to New York.

That didn’t give her time to be proactive, so she had few options. Getting the kids gathered together would take a few minutes, but getting to town to use the phone could be accomplished within an hour. It was a phone call she hoped to never make, but Toby had limited her choices.