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Spy Snow Leopard (Protection, Inc. Book 6) by Zoe Chant (13)

Chapter Twelve

Fiona

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When Justin had started his story, Fiona hadn’t thought he’d be able to get through it. He’d choked up every time he said the names of the men and women who’d died, and every time he told her how Shane had refused to leave him. By the time he finished, he was shaking and drenched in sweat.

But he did finish. And Fiona loved him for it. Stroking his wet hair away from his face, she said, “I know a lot of brave people. But you’re the bravest man I’ve ever met.”

“I didn’t do anything brave. Shane and Mason and Elizabeth and...” He shook his head, unable to get the rest of the names out. “They fought like hell. I just lay there.”

“You ‘just lay there’ because you’d been shot in the chest,” Fiona pointed out. “Same as Shane did when he got shot. It’s not like you were having a fit of the vapors because a bat got tangled in your hair!”

Justin let out an amused huff of breath. “That’s certainly a vivid image.”

“So, was it easy for you to tell everyone to save themselves and leave you behind? Was it easy for you to tell Shane to leave you imprisoned by the enemy, wounded and helpless and alone? And how about telling me this story now—was that easy?”

“No.” He spoke so softly that Fiona could only hear him because they were pressed so close together. “No, none of that was easy. If you’re defining courage by how much something scares you, then yeah, it took some.”

It took a lot, Fiona thought. She couldn’t imagine doing what he’d done. She’d have begged them not to leave her. But she kept quiet. It had been hard enough for Justin to admit to even that much.

He went on, “I’ve wondered whether the Ultimate Predator powers we got were influenced by who we were and what we wanted. Shane was always kind of intimidating and stealthy, and he got that turned up as far as it could go. Catalina loved cats, and she got the agility of one.”

“Catalina used to have a hard time getting men to take her seriously,” Fiona said. “And her other power is super-strength. Hard to sneer at a woman who can throw you across the room with one hand.”

“Right. And as for what I wanted, it was to get up from that fucking hospital bed and stop holding everyone up, even if I dropped dead as soon as I got outside. And that’s what invincibility would have let me do.”

“It also takes the pain away,” Fiona said quietly. “I imagine you wanted that, too.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “I know that’s mostly why I’ve been using it. But that’s not why I can’t promise to never use it again. As long as I’m invincible, I never have to be a burden for anyone. And nobody else will ever die because they had to take care of me.”

“Oh, Justin...” The hurt in his voice was so raw, Fiona couldn’t imagine anything to do or say to make it better. All she could do was hold him tight. But he relaxed in her arms, so maybe she had done something.

Then her thoughts returned to what he’d said. She’d been so caught up in how painful it was for him that she hadn’t considered whether it was actually true. But the more she considered it, examining it with the same objective eye she’d bring to bear on a broken machine she needed to repair, the less convincing it seemed.

“If I’d been invincible when I was hit on the mission, I’d have kept on fighting,” he said. “And then Shane wouldn’t have been distracted by me, and Apex wouldn’t have been able to sneak up on him.”

Like that, Fiona thought. That can’t be right.

“What would’ve happened if you’d been invincible, and you’d kept fighting?” she asked.

He sounded baffled by her question. “I just told you. Shane wouldn’t have been captured. Maybe none of us would have.”

“No, I mean literally, what would’ve happened? Talk me through it. You were all fighting, Apex agents were sneaking up on you with tranquilizer rifles, you were hit with an armor-piercing bullet, and your wound was bad enough that you ended up flat on your back for weeks. What would’ve happened if you’d been invincible at the time?”

She could see from his expression that he’d never thought past, If I’d been invincible, none of the rest would have happened.

Slowly, he said, “I would’ve kept fighting. So I would’ve kept bleeding. And running around would have made it worse. I’d have been dead in about ten minutes. Maybe less.”

“What do you think Apex would’ve done then?”

“Probably exactly what they did do, only Shane would’ve been giving me CPR.” Justin frowned. “Okay, I see what you mean. But the important part is what happened at Apex. That was when I really would have needed invincibility. If I hadn’t been laid up, we all would’ve been out of there. And then nobody would’ve died.”

“Except you!”

“Well...” He trailed off as if he wanted to disagree with her but couldn’t figure out how.

“You’re the medical expert, not me. What would’ve happened if you’d had the same injuries, but you’d been able to get up and run around and fight anyway?”

Justin took a moment to think about it, then reluctantly said, “I’d have died. But I was willing—”

“Yeah, you were willing. How about Shane? He’s a paramedic too. He’d have known what would happen. Even if you’d had your invincibility, would he have let you use it like that?”

“Umm.” Even more reluctantly, Justin admitted, “I actually did try to get out of bed a couple times. He held me down. Threatened to tell the doctors to strap me down if I tried it again.”

Fiona stared at him, her eyebrows raised, letting his own words sink in.

“I hadn’t remembered that till you reminded me just now,” he said slowly. “You know... Maybe it wouldn’t have even made a difference if I’d never been shot in the first place. Shane was distracted and I was out for the count, but the others weren’t. Apex still got all of us. So if I hadn’t been wounded, they probably wouldn’t have kept us together or they’d have had higher security from the get-go. Once they made us into shifters but before they’d put us through Ultimate Predator, they chained us to the walls. They could’ve done that from the start.”

“They chained you to the walls?” Fiona repeated. The fact that he’d said it like it was a minor detail that hadn’t been important enough to mention before made it even more horrifying.

“Yeah. That’s pretty bad, huh?”

“I’ll say!” She squeezed his hand.

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. “I’m glad I told you. When I was keeping it all bottled up inside me, I had no perspective. I was so sure the only thing stopping us from escaping was me.”

“What was stopping you from escaping was Apex. Everything that happened was their fault and their choice. Not yours.”

For a long time, he was silent, looking thoughtful. “You’re right about the invincibility. It’s cutting my own heart out, and for what? An extra five minutes to do something that won’t change anything, at the cost of my life? No. I can’t do that anymore. I won’t.

Fiona hugged him. “You don’t need to, anyway. You were alone before. Now you’ve got me. Don’t forget, I’m a bodyguard. Wherever you go, I’ll be there to watch your back.”

“Same to you,” he said promptly. Then his gaze turned away from her and to the bright light from the window. “Do you want to go out again? We have the whole rest of the day.  And Carnival comes but once a year.”

“Absolutely. I don’t think we’d be able to get a flight out before tomorrow, anyway. Let Dr. Mortenson cool her feet in Montana.”

She offered her hand to Justin, but he didn’t move. His brow wrinkled as it he was trying to remember something, and then he said abruptly, “We can’t go to Montana. It’s a set-up. She knew I was listening in. If we show up, she won’t have a couple of men with bear traps, she’ll have a lot of men with something she thinks can take me down. Nets, maybe. Tranquilizer darts don’t work on me anymore. It was one of the Ultimate Predator side effects.”

She trusted his judgment, but didn’t understand how he’d figured it out. “What makes you think it’s a trap?”

“Dr. Mortenson had this tone she always got when she was lying about something to fuck me over. I didn’t realize it at the time because I was invincible. I guess because I can’t feel emotions, it’s harder for me to pick up on them. I only realized when I thought back on the call just now.” He gave an ironic chuckle. “You were right that invincibility is bad news. If I’d kept it on all the way to Montana, she’d have gotten us for sure.”

She hesitated over bringing up the obvious solution. He’d shot it down before... but things had changed. They’d changed, and so had their relationship. They’d stripped each other down to the naked truth, and neither had flinched at what they’d seen. She didn’t have to hold back with him anymore.

“We can still ambush her,” she said. “We just need reinforcements. Let’s bring in my team.”

For the first time, Justin didn’t flinch at the suggestion. “Yeah. You’re right. It’s time.”

“Are you okay with seeing Shane?”

His lips quirked in a half-amused, half-sad smile, making her think of the mask Mr. Toscani had made for him. “We’ve been best friends for ten years. He’s saved my life more times than I can count. I want to see him. It’s just that I felt guilty over getting shot and him not leaving me and me thinking he’d left me and then me leaving him... Stop me before I talk myself out of this.”

“Would it help if I told you that Shane feels guilty over believing that you were dead and leaving you?”

“Not really. But I’ll survive. And I want to say hi to Catalina. And see Nick—I always like seeing patients of mine after they’re recovered. And I’m curious about your other teammates. They must be great.”

“They are,” Fiona assured him. “You’ll love them. Except—”

“What?” Justin asked suspiciously.

“They’re very protective. So any time someone comes in with a mate...”

“They go all big brother, huh? ‘You break her heart, I break your legs?’”

Fiona tried and failed to think of a way to explain the Protection, Inc. mate hazing rituals that didn’t make them—which included her—sound like a bunch of lunatics. “Something like that.”

Justin smiled. “Don’t look so nervous. I have no intention of breaking your heart, so my legs are safe.”

She gave up. Probably they wouldn’t do it to him, anyway. Shane certainly wouldn’t, Catalina already knew Justin, and Nick owed him one. And all the previous mates had been civilians. It was natural to be concerned that a delicate princess or a purple-haired stage manager might not have the steely will and death-defying courage that one’s teammate needed and deserved. But Justin was a PJ. His will and courage had already been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.

He took her hand. “Come on. Let’s say good-bye to the confetti angel before we go.”

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