Sweet Days (Four Days Book 2) by A. S. Kelly (1)

A Four Days Novel

Book 2

A . S . K E L L Y

Copyright © 2018 A. S. Kelly

Translation by Kathleen Fitzgerald

Sweet Days

A.S. Kelly

English Edition

All rights reserved. Unauthorised reproduction

prohibited.

This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters,

places and storyline are the fruit of the author’s

imagination or are used in a fictional sense.

Any similarity to facts, places or people living or

deceased is purely coincidental.

To all those who think they’re never enough.

The book

Patrick Doyle is a rude, selfish and cynical man,

but for his friends and family, he’d do anything.

His dream of pursuing music came to an abrupt

halt after a car accident involving those he loves

most in the world after which he dedicated himself

to working full time in the pub he manages with

his childhood buddies, keeping his distance from

love or any other kind of bind.

Erin O’Neill is a bright young woman with her

future well planned: she’s about to graduate, she’s

got a part-time job in Patrick’s pub and the perfect

boyfriend until the unexpected happens, upsetting

her life and turning all her well-laid plans upside

down, leaving her alone and desperate.

Patrick isn’t the kind of guy to get caught up in

other people’s problems, especially if it involves a

damsel in distress, but he can’t help coming to her

aid and finds himself catapulted into her life

against his will—even if he would like to maybe

be part of that life—even if that means getting

hurt, and hurting her too. Because Patrick destroys

everything he touches.

Prologue

Erin

“Rain?”

“Erin, hi.”

“Could you … could you come to the pub?”

“Something happened? Are you all right?

Everybody okay?”

“Yes, everybody’s fine, Rain. I need…” I take a

deep breath, trying to hold in the tears.

“Something’s happened and I didn’t know who to

call.”

“You’re making me worry.”

Rain’s voice is a trembling whisper that

instantly makes me feel like a moron for calling

her.

“I need a friend, Rain. I need you. Please, I’m

desperate.”

“Okay, take it easy, I’m on my way.”

“I’ll be waiting,” I say, while the hot tears start

running down my face.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Thanks,” I blurt out, but she’s already hung up.

I close the conversation and let my telephone

slide into my jeans pocket. I’ve been locked in the

bathroom for ten minutes. My break is finished by

now and I have to get back to work. I take a look

in the mirror and it’s just what you’d expect: a

disaster. My mascara has run down my cheeks and

my eyes are dressed in dark circles due to the lack

of sleep, the uninterrupted crying last night and the

make-up, which has completely melted.

I wash my face and take a few deep breaths

before opening the door and going back out there.

Luckily, the place isn’t very crowded tonight

because I’m telling you I don’t have it in me to

smile at a bunch of people tonight. Not a joke in

me. I take a few steps towards the counter where I

find Patrick talking with Alan, one of the regulars

at Only4You, a middle-aged man who prefers

spending most of his nights here instead of at

home with his wife. I offer a half-hearted smile

and grab the tray to collect the empty glasses on

the tables when Patrick lets go with one of his

typical comments that normally don’t bother me.

However, tonight could be the final straw.

“Hey, what’s going on over there, you were

gone forever!” he tells me. “I have to go on break

too, ya know.”

“Sorry, I was on the phone.”

“Problems in paradise? ”

He’s making fun of me and he has no idea how

much it hurts.

“Nothing that would interest you, Patrick.”

“You can be sure about that. I think no sane man

should be forced in any way to have just one

woman.”

I turn slowly, pursing my lips and trying not to

burst out sobbing before answering him.

“And yet your friend doesn’t seem to be having

a bad time of it,” I say, referring to Liam, Rain’s

boyfriend.

“Huh, not exactly what I’d call an expert

source. And then we’re talking about Rain, the

only woman on the planet who is intelligent,

beautiful and sensual.”

“Gee, thanks,” I reply dryly, holding the tray

against my chest.

“Don’t get into a hissy Erin, you know what I

mean.”

“Sure I do Patrick, perfectly: you’re an asshole.

What did women ever do to you?”

“Women?” He breaks out in a rude laugh.

“Women don’t have any effect on me and you

know it. Or maybe they do have an effect but I

doubt you’d want to hear the details.” He

concludes, chuckling.

I know Patrick well by now. I’ve been working

in this pub for about a year and I’ve met all his

women. His general rule of thumb is to have two

women a week and with no strings attached.

And I shake my head and turn away from him

because tonight I don’t feel like going over the

same old conversations again. We all know

Patrick’s got some kind of allergy to the words

relationship, couple and most of all, love.

Just in that moment, Rain makes her entry. Her

face is red and she’s winded. She must have run to

get here and I feel guilty for having made her

worry and drop everything to come.

“Hey,” she says, running across to hug me, “I

got here as fast as I could.”

“Not here,” I whisper, drying my newly wet

eyes.

“Something wrong?” Patrick asks to my back.

“Erin’s going on break,” Rain announces, taking

my arm and bringing me toward the back of the

pub.

“She just got back,” Patrick adds, “it’s my turn.”

“Well, you can wait another fifteen minutes, or

half an hour or however long this takes,” Rain

concludes, nodding her head to indicate that I

should follow her.

Patrick mumbles something about women and

PMS and Alan laughs at his joke. Instead of

answering him back like I normally would have, I

shoot him a bitter, resentful look, but he must have

read more into it because the entertained

expression on his face changed in an instant. His

eyes narrowed slightly as if to study me closer, and

his forehead wrinkled as if he was thinking.

Almost as if he was worried.

Rain takes a key out of her pocket and asks me

to follow her upstairs to the apartment Liam left

after having moved in with her.

“Come on up, it’ll be calmer here.”

I nod and follow her up the stairs, trying to find

the right words to tell her that my world just fell

apart right on top of me.

Patrick

Erin takes off with Rain, leaving me alone at the

counter. I needed a break, more than anything else;

I needed time to check out the scene tonight. I

have pinned down at least five possible lays and

I’d like to get started testing out the territory in

order to see who I should concentrate on.

I dry the glasses that I’ve just pulled out of the

dishwasher and put them away on the shelf, while

Alan goes on with his vulgar jokes that I smile at

to be nice, while my cell phone vibrates

incessantly in my back pocket. I pull it out and see

my mother’s name on the display. I step away from

the counter to answer her.

“Hello, darling.”

“Mom, everything okay?”

“Sure it is!” she explains with a bit too much

enthusiasm.

“Why are you calling me?”

“Just wanted to say hi,” she says, but I can tell

by her voice that something is wrong.

“What’s going on?”

She lets out a big sigh on the other end of the

line.

“I didn’t want to call you. You already do so

much for us.”

“What is it that you need?”

“It’s for Ciara.”

“Is she well? Has something happened?” I look

at the counter and see a crowd starting to form,

customers waiting for me to get back.

“She’s fine, don’t worry. It’s for University.

There are taxes to be paid and it’s just too

much…”

“How much is it that you need?” I cut her short.

I know how much it costs her to call me for these

kind of things and I don’t want to drag out her

discomfort.

“Just this one time, a little help.”

“Mom,” I interrupt her before she can go on.

“You don’t have to worry, okay? You know I’m

always here for you and the family.”

I hear her sigh again.

“Carl tried to get some extra work as a delivery

guy in the evenings but he works so hard during

the day and he’s never home with his family. He’s

a good man and a real worker.”

“Yes, I know, Mother, and that’s why I’m here.

He doesn’t have to be the only one to take care of

everything himself.”

“He would do anything for us, you know.”

“Yes, I do know and I appreciate it, but this

time, let me handle it, okay?”

“Thanks dear, you’re the best.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“I know that I’m a lucky woman to have a

wonderful son.”

“Knock it off,” I tell her, shaking my head even

though she can’t see me. “I have to go now. I’ll

call you tomorrow, okay? You can give me all the

details.”

“Sorry, I didn’t want to bother you at work.”

“You didn’t bother me, it’s just I’m working the

counter and I have to go now.”

“Sure, of course. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Okay, we’ll talk tomorrow, Ma.”

“And … Patrick?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without

you.”

I bite my inner cheek to stop an outpouring of

rage that shoots right to my head.

“Bye, Ma.”

I hang up and slide the phone back into my

pocket. I take a big breath and make my way back

to the counter where Aaron has taken my place.

“Hey, where’d you go?” He asks me while

serving someone from the bar.

“Sorry, it was my mother, I had to answer.”

“Everything okay at home?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just the usual

problems.”

“Anything I can do?” he asks me, stopping for a

moment to look me in the eyes.

“Nope, it’s all taken care of.”

“You know if you need anything—”

“No,” I stop him. “I have it under control.”

And I hope I really do.

“Patrick,” he says empathetically, “you know

that I’m here for you and that I love your family. If

they need anything…”

“I can take care of my family myself Aaron,” I

answer resentfully. I always have taken care of

them since I was fifteen years old. I don’t need

him or anyone else.

Aaron nods his head and goes back to work as I

try to gather my thoughts. Last month Danny

needed a new uniform, the month before that Carl

had an accident at work and was off for two

weeks. And now Ciara … I know how much it

costs Mom in pride to ask me for help and I have

to be honest, sometimes I really am afraid I won’t

be able to take care of all of them, but they are my

family and I’d live in the street in order to give

them what they need. I’ll make it. In a short while,

they’ll be able to take care of themselves, at least I

hope so. I have to hang tough another three, four

years, and then I’ll be able to think about myself,

like I’ve always planned to.

And I’ll think only about me.

1

Erin

I go downstairs the minute it’s daylight. I spent the

night in the apartment over the pub following

Rain’s advice that kept me company until the first

rays of dawn. She didn’t want me to go back home

and have to face him again. I need some caffeine

or some kind of shot in the arm after having spent

the night awake, but there’s nothing in the

apartment except the furniture and a few sparse

accessories. Nothing to drink or eat. It had been

empty for a long time before Liam moved in after

moving here from Dublin.

Liam is one of Aaron, Jay and Patrick’s best

friends. Collectively, they are my bosses and Liam

is Rain’s boyfriend. They’ve been together a few

months, after he came back to Ireland from having

lived in London for two years. Liam was a famous

singer in the UK but he gave it all up to come back

here to be with the woman he’d always loved.

Rain is a sweet girl, we became friends right away.

She was in an accident just over two years ago in

which her boyfriend – Liam’s brother Neil – lost

his life, which also cost her grave consequences in

addition to losing her memory. She’s better now,

she’s not without difficulties nor has she recovered

all of her memories, but now she’s got Liam, who

came back to take her heart and to give her his.

They’re happy in spite of everything that’s

happened.

Rain was Neil’s girl since a tender age but it

seemed like subconsciously she was in love with

Liam, who obviously reciprocated her feelings.

And how could he not? They never declared

themselves until a few months ago when the truth

came to light and Rain couldn’t help falling into

his arms, and I have to tell you the truth, I can’t

blame her. Liam can be dark and melancholy at

times, but he’s good and sweet in his own way.

Now he works at the pub too and he went to go

live with them, all of them settled in one big

house. They’re a great couple.

I live with Nate, or at least I did until last night.

We’ve been together for more than a year and have

been living as a couple for four months since my

father decided to accept a prestigious teaching

position in England, something which would also

make it easier for him to continue his research in

genetics.

My parents separated ten years ago. My mom is

American and after the divorce, she decided to go

back to San Francisco. She wanted to take me with

her but my life was here. My school, my friends …

so, she and my dad decided that I’d stay in Dublin

until I finished school and then we’d make a

decision about it. I love Ireland, America is too …

American. Too much chaos, too many people. Too

much everything. So, at the end of my studies, I

decided to stay here with my dad and follow in his

footsteps.

I study at Dublin City University, reading

molecular biology just like he did. He didn’t force

me into that choice but having grown up

surrounded by charts and graphs, research and

formulas it couldn’t have gone any differently.

When my father was offered a position in

Liverpool however, with a rich budget that would

allow him to do the most important research of his

life, he didn’t feel it was right to ask me to follow

him. I’ve got my whole life here, I had Nate.

I go to America to visit my mom every chance I

get. My dad is always willing to buy me a ticket,

but with my studies, my obligations and an

upcoming graduation, I can’t afford the time off as

frequently as before. We talk on Skype a few

nights a week and we get along, despite the

distance. We’re like two friends, and I don’t mind

that. I miss her, of course I do, but my father never

had me want for anything and we have so many

things in common.

Nate and I met at university. He’s getting his

doctorate in biology. We fell in love, spending

nights at the library studying, and going to

conventions. Ours is an intellectual love, if you

want to know the plain truth. I went to live in his

apartment when my dad decided to leave. We

rented our house in Malahide and I went to live in

Whitehall, just a few steps from my building, but I

continued working here three nights a week,

despite the inconvenience of having to travel. It’s

partly because I like being independent, having an

income and showing my father I’m not the spoiled

child he thinks I am, and also because I guess I’ve

grown to like this place, the guys, Rain,

everything.

I open the pub door when I realize I’ve only got

last night’s socks on my feet. Brrr, I hope

somebody cleaned up after I left. I try not to think

about it and take a few steps towards the counter

where the coffee machine is calling me. I grab a

filter off the top shelf and prepare the coffee when

I hear something banging against the back door. I

jump and the coffee pot drops to the ground,

shattering and making an awful noise.

Perfect. If I had wanted to hide, at this point it

would be impossible.

I take a deep breath and grab the first thing that

I can, which happens to be an empty bottle of

Jameson which was left on the counter. I slowly

creep towards the door leading to the back with the

bottle raised over my head, when I hear someone

cursing. I peek out just as far as necessary to see a

figure with his back to me. He’s wearing a leather

jacket and has a shaved head and he’s rubbing the

back of his neck. I let out my sigh and lower the

bottle.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, coming out

of the shadows with my hands on my hips.

Patrick jumps in the air and lands with his hand

on his heart, afraid.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he yells

with a sleepy, drunk, and who knows what else

kind of voice.

“A bit early to open, isn’t it?” I ask pointedly.

“And don’t you have a house?” he retorts,

eyebrow raised in challenge.

It’s always like this between us. We always bait

each other and say the worst things, but working

here with him is nice and can even be relaxing

somehow. When he’s working here the nights go

by quickly and my head is free from heavy

thoughts.

“I slept here,” I say, crossing my arms over my

chest. “Rain said I could stay.”

He relaxes his glance just slightly.

“I came to get my keys. Last night I went home

with … well, I was out and I forgot my keys here

and I didn’t want to go home and wake everyone

up. It’s only six o’clock for God’s sake.”

“And you couldn’t stay where you were and

sleep a little more?”

“I never stay the whole night,” he says,

winking.

“Well, I was about to make the coffee, but I was

so scared I dropped the coffee pot…”

“There’s another one in the back.”

“I’ll buy another one.”

“Bullshit,” he says, moving his hand as if to say

‘it’s nothing’. “Who gives a shit about a stupid

coffee pot?”

“Are you always so pleasant in the morning or

are you only vulgar and base…”

“Gimme a break, I didn’t have an easy night.”

“Oh, I can imagine,” I reply, feeling a bit hurt

for no particular reason.

“It’s just I have a headache and I should have

come in a taxi because I drank a lot last night and I

didn’t feel like riding my motorcycle.”

I nod in approval of his choice. We all know

how things ended up the last time after one of the

brothers got behind the wheel after drinking too

much. Neil died because of it.

“I’ll go in back and get the pot and make some

coffee for both of us.”

He tilts his head slightly, giving me a dubious

look.

“What?” I ask. “You have this look like you’ve

got a jackhammer in your head. I almost feel sorry

for you.”

“Thanks,” he says, looking at me suspiciously.

“Sit down, I’ll make the coffee and try to round

up those two aspirins I saw somewhere. They

should be in the emergency kit in the employee

bathroom.”

He nods and takes a seat at the bar, letting his

head fall as I go back to find that coffee pot.

The last thing I need this morning is dealing

with a nasty, hungover Patrick.

Patrick

“Did he dump you?” I ask, while Erin’s back is

turned to me as she makes the coffee.

Last night I really exaggerated. I do it often, but

last night … I don’t know, maybe I needed to blow

off steam after my mom’s phone call. I just wanted

to forget about my problems for one night. And I

did.

I drank with that little blonde that spent the

whole night shooting me elusive glances to which

I promptly responded by biting the piercing in my

lip. I’ve come to understand it drives the ladies

crazy, and rightly so because they can’t even

imagine with that little piece of metal can do in

certain moments.

And I drank more than a little to tell the truth.

So much that I can’t remember leaving here, going

to her house—how did we get there? I certainly

don’t remember sleeping with her. I think I passed

out as soon as I hit the mattress. This morning just

after six, I woke up with a splitting headache and

some nasty nausea.

I left without even telling her. Outside her place

I was lucky to find a solitary taxi. I realized I

didn’t have my keys with me and so I came here

where, fortunately, I had also left my motorcycle.

I didn’t plan on meeting daddy’s little girl.

“Jesus, Patrick, do you always have to be such

an asshole?” she yells without even turning to look

at me.

What’d I say? I always talk shit, but she should

be used to it by now.

I won’t deny being an asshole, it’s true. Erin is

completely right. I always have been and I don’t

hide it. I want people to know what they’re getting,

especially women, because I can’t be an asshole to

my friends.

Me and the guys have been living here for just

over two years since Rain lost her memory in a

terrible accident in which her boyfriend, Neil,

died. She’s doing better now and is happy. It’s all

thanks to that asshole Liam.

Whoever would have thought that after ten

years he would have finally confessed to be in love

with her?

Liam is Neil’s brother. Rain and Neil were

together practically their whole lives, since they

were kids, but Liam was always in love with her,

from the first day he saw her, it’s just … well, it

took him a while to man up and tell her and even

longer to come home and take care of her.

I was angry with him for a long time. After the

accident our band’s musical prospects stopped

dead, but he struck out on his own, signing a

record contract that was originally offered to us

and making a success of it.

But then it happened. He came back. He found a

way to get forgiveness and we’re finally all

together again, without Neil of course. We’ll

always miss him, but we’re still here and it’s right

that we keep going down our road while never

forgetting him.

I try to guide them but fuck … no one ever

listens to me. I think if people stopped torturing

themselves about the past and just lived in the

present, thinking about what they feel now,

everything would be a lot simpler.

See, I’m an outsider, if I can define myself as

such. I have zero sentimental tendencies. I am able

to see over their noses and to understand before

they do what it is they are feeling, what they are

afraid of and what they’re running from. Call it my

sixth sense. And it’s thanks to this gift I have that

I’m able to avoid a noose around my neck or a

spike in my tire: I’m free and I’m happy.

I’m doing great and nothing and no one could

ever take away this feeling of being able to do

anything I want.

Is that what makes me an asshole?

Depends on your point of view, but in all

sincerity, I don’t really care what people think of

me. I have my family and this ‘acquired’ family of

mine, with Aaron, Jay, Liam and Rain.

And I’m fine.

Nothing could ever upset me; nothing could

ever make me change my ideas.

Nothing and no one.

My parents had six kids. My father decided to

take off when my little brother Danny was just two

years old. I was fifteen at the time and I remember

very well what life was like with him. He never

had a stable job. He wasn’t able to hold one down

for more than two months at a time and so we

never had enough of anything at home, whether it

was food or clothes, and not to mention other

things that aren’t strictly necessary to get along.

Six children, for Christ’s sakes, what the hell

were they thinking? Don’t misunderstand me; I

wouldn’t want to put any one of my siblings back

where they came from. I love all the members of

my family and I thank my mother every day for

what she did for us, but I’d never make that kind

of choice.

My parents got married really young because of

me. My mother was pregnant and they got married

thinking they were doing the right thing. Then the

others arrived, one after the other, and with them

came money problems and everything went to hell.

My father was a womanizer, unable to think of

anyone else but himself. That’s where I got my

moral principles from.

Luckily, two years after he walked out, my mom

met Carl, a good man who is divorced and

childless who was able to make her happy and give

back a bit of normal living to us all.

We always lived in the same house on Pearse

Street, four boys sharing one room with two bunk

beds in a few square meters and the two girls

sharing the only other room available.

My mom and Carl have slept on the couch for at

least six years. They gave up their room for my

sisters and could not afford a bigger and more

expensive house.

Carl works at the Guinness Storehouse and my

mom works part-time in a bakery on Mary Street

because she still has children to raise.

So basically, it was a shit sandwich. We were

never without anything, especially since Carl has

been with us but I have to be honest: at Christmas,

when we got one gift for all of us to share, it’s not

the greatest. It’s not that we didn’t understand, we

k n e w a l l t o o w e l l w h a t t h e e c o n o m i c

circumstances were and we weren’t upset because

we didn’t have more. What really sucked was

seeing Mom and Carl’s faces, their expressions of

worry and humiliation because they couldn’t give

us any more than that.

Carl is a simple man, but strong and reassuring,

and with him at home life certainly wasn’t bad.

My younger brothers who didn’t know my father

well, call him Dad. It’s a bit more complicated

than that for me. I was already an angry child

when he came to our house, but with patience and

respect he was able to gain my trust and my

affection.

On the other hand, he’s a man who was willing

to load up six kids that weren’t his on his back and

carry them all. How many guys would have done

something like that? He’s got all my respect. He’s

a man to be admired, someone you can always rely

on.

I left home at an early age to lighten the burden

and make space for the others, but I miss them. I

miss the chaos at dinnertime. I miss sitting on the

carpet, us all watching a film together. I miss my

mother’s hugs.

I’m a thirty-year-old man by now, but that

doesn’t mean I can’t miss the affection of my

family, even if at dinnertime I frequently, and

happily, told them that I had already eaten out

because I didn’t want them to eat less on my

account.

I’ve always worked, in the pub, in a factory or a

café. I left school early and took care of myself the

best I could and of the rest of my family whenever

it was possible. I’m proud of all of them, and if it’s

not too much to add, I’m proud of myself too. I’ve

understood, thanks to experience, that I absolutely

do not want to make that kind of choice for myself,

being tied to someone forever and putting yourself

in a position to have to be selfless, renouncing

everything to make the person next to you happy.

Am I selfish? No, I’m realistic.

I am myself, in all of my raw truth.

Love destroys everything.

Love destroys you.

Relationships are destined to wear out and break

down, leaving you with no money, no soul and

without a fucking heart. And I’ll tell you one thing:

I don’t want to know what that feels like.

Erin turns to me and sets down a steaming cup

of coffee, keeping her eyes cast downward. It’s

then that I realize that she’s crying.

Okay, I hate this kind of thing, women crying. I

know they need to vent their feelings and that

you’re supposed to console them. What am I

supposed to do here? Pretend I don’t notice?

I clear my throat and give it a shot.

“Do you want to…”

And by means of an answer she runs in the

opposite direction, taking refuge in the upstairs

apartment.

Am I supposed to run after her?

Nah, it’s not like me. I do what I’m best at.

Minding my own business.

I drink my coffee and then go home and sleep

and forget about this strange morning, her tears

and her scared eyes.

2

Erin

“Three more pints at table twelve, Erin!”

“I’m on my way,” I reply, annoyed at Jay’s

request although it isn’t his fault I’m in a bad

mood.

“Is everything alright?” he asks right away.

Jay always worries about everyone.

“Yeah, I’m just tired.”

“Take a break.”

“It’s not necessary, really.”

“Take ten minutes. It’s not some advice I’m

giving you, it’s an order.” His tone does not allow

me to refuse.

I set down the tray that I was about to bring to

the table and head for the exit. I need a breath of

fresh air. I feel exhausted and my thoughts are so

far from here.

I open the door and a wave of frigid air strikes

me full-on. I forgot to bring my jacket. I hug

myself and turn to go back in when a voice I just

am not in the mood to hear calls out:

“Erin.”

I let out a sigh and unwillingly turn around.

“What are you doing here, Nate?” I ask him.

“We have to talk and you’re not taking my

calls.”

“We don’t have anything to say.”

“You took off into thin air without giving me

time to explain.”

“And what would you like to explain? Let’s

hear it!” I challenge him, raising my voice.

“Try to understand, it all happened so fast, I

wasn’t expecting anything like that to happen.”

“And you think perhaps that I was expecting

it?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say … shoot. It

seems like I always say the wrong thing.”

“Maybe it’s better not to talk.”

“Erin…”

“Nate, our relationship was already coming to a

head and you know it. We hardly spoke anymore.”

Nate lets out a deep sigh and moves towards

me, resting his back against the wall of the pub.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want it to happen.”

“I think you did,” I answer, my nerves shot to

pieces. “Some things don’t happen by mistake,

Nate. You’re the one who let it happen.”

“I fell in love with her, I couldn’t avoid it,” he

dares to say, and just thinking about what he’d like

to say pushes me over the edge.

“Don’t you even try to tell me about it!” I yell,

now close to a hysterical meltdown. “I don’t want

to know anything. I don’t want to know how

special she is, how you fell hopelessly in love with

her, how you f—”

“Oh, come on!” Nate raises his voice and

positions himself in front of me, moving in close

to my face. “We’re young, these things happen. It’s

not like I put a ring on your finger! And like you

said, we were already at the end of the line.”

“Are you trying to soothe your conscience? Or

maybe you want to imply it’s my fault? Things

happen for a reason, Nate. Maybe this is the

confirmation that you’re not the person I thought

you were,” I conclude, just barely holding back the

tears.

“What are you going to do now? Who’s going

to help you? We both know you’re not very good

at making it on your own.”

“I guess that’s none of your business anymore,

Nate. Get out of here and don’t ever come back!”

I hiccup as he grabs my arm, forcing me to look

him right in the eyes. That’s when I hear the pub

door slam open and someone pulls Nate away

from me.

“What the fuck … Hey, man!”

“Get the hell out of here, now!”

Patrick is in front of Nate, who has fallen onto

the pavement. His arms are tense alongside his

hips and his hands are in fists.

“I was just talking to my girlfriend,” he tries to

stand up, but Patrick pushes him again, forcing

him to stay where he was.

“It doesn’t seem to me that she wants to keep

talking with you.”

“This isn’t your business, Patrick,” Nate

protests.

“Actually it is. She works for me and this is my

place. I don’t want any trouble here—inside or out.

I don’t want any assholes here, is that clear?”

“Asshole who? Me?” Nate gets up and stands

threateningly close to Patrick.

He doesn’t realize what he’s getting himself into

so I decide to intervene and save his life.

“Nate was just going,” I say in a whisper. “And

… I’m not his girlfriend any longer,” I say with a

touch of bitterness.

“You should come and get your things as soon

as possible.”

I nod and lower my glance, pursing my lips.

He’s intentionally humiliating me and it wasn’t

necessary.

Nate pulls his collar up on his coat and walks

off towards the parking lot without turning around.

I take a big breath and turn towards Patrick,

who is still on his feet next to me and is staring at

Nate as he gets further and further away into the

cold night.

“I’m sorry, I…”

He shakes his head and makes a gesture with his

hand so that I don’t continue talking. Then he

turns, opens the door, and goes back in, leaving me

alone, freezing cold and even more desperate.

Patrick

I’m not serving at the counter tonight and it’s kind

of nice. Waiting tables helps me to flirt with the

girls and allows me more time to choose my next

‘special friend’ better and avoid mistakes like the

one I made the other night.

I stay a few minutes with a group of girls with

no guys, who are a bit tipsy but not yet drunk. I

note the table number mentally to assure myself

that they all know how to get home at the end of

the night without driving. I always do. I want our

clients to drink, of course, that’s how we make our

money, but I don’t want anybody getting killed

after they leave our place and I especially don’t

want them to kill anyone else.

I take their empty glasses and go to the counter

to fill them with another round, when out of the

corner of my eye I see something I don’t like.

Erin is outside in the cold without a jacket and

she’s talking very animatedly with her adorable

asshole boyfriend.

I shake my head and go back to the counter

where I set down the serving tray. I turn to look

and see that the conversation has grown more

animated to the point that he’s grabbed her by the

arm.

I have a mother, two sisters and one half-sister. I

have fun with girls, it’s true, but only the

consenting ones and those who are just as crazy as

I am. Women are the cornerstone of life, the motor

that makes the world turn—and even if I don’t

want to love any one of them, it doesn’t mean that

I don’t respect them and that I can permit some

jackass like this guy to treat a girl however he

damn well pleases.

I set down the serving tray, then go and storm

towards the door. I slam it open and shut before

pushing this asshole down onto the cold hard

ground.

Erin is crying by now and has covered her eyes

with her hands. The asshole tries to speak but I

don’t allow him to.

Explanations are useless and in my experience,

if you’re an asshole once, you’re an asshole

forever.

So I tell him to get the hell out of here,

justifying my reaction by claiming a sort of

employer-employee relationship with Erin which

could even be true. But in all honesty, I would

have done the same for anyone, even someone I

didn’t already know.

He gets up and walks away without too many

threats, telling Erin that she’s homeless and she

has to go pick up her shit from his apartment.

What a fucker.

Erin tries to talk to me, but I can’t listen to her

excuses. Who in the world would have to

apologize for some asshole like that?

So, I go back inside with my hands still

bunched into fists, worked up into a mix of rage

and adrenalin that this idiot has provoked.

I glance at Erin who is still outside. She’s

hugging herself and her shoulders are heaving. I

think she’s still crying.

Then I huff and, swearing to myself, go to the

back room and grab her jacket while Jay and

Aaron ask me what the hell is going on. I open the

door—slowly this time because I don’t want to

scare her—and wrap the jacket around her

shoulders. Her sobs subside a bit before she turns

to me and buries her face in my chest.

I am frozen with my arms in the air, and I’m

fucking terrified.

No woman has ever cried in my arms, not even

my little sisters. They prefer to go to my mom or

any other one of my brothers. It’s not because I

don’t want to comfort them, but because I’m not

able to. I’m practical and rational. I only know

how to punch people or tell them to go to hell.

Sympathy and understanding really is not my

thing.

The calm lasts a few seconds and the hiccups

return; Erin is shaking and sobbing and it’s a fight

against myself, against all that I am and have been,

and against the strongest part of me.

I fight and lose miserably, because after two

minutes and fifty-five seconds I close my arms

around her body. I pull her closer to me, close

enough to feel the heat of her tears through my

shirt—shit, I brought her a coat and I’m out here in

a T-shirt! And I don’t know how or why, but I

brush my lips against her short dark hair that’s

dampened by the night air.

We stay like that for a bit while I let myself lean

up against the wall, bringing her with me. She

snuggles up to me and slowly calms down. Her

hiccupping stops and her breathing slows down.

I sigh and count the beats that my stupid

fucking heart is pounding out against my chest,

reminding me that perhaps, someplace, I have a

heart too.

I close my eyes and swear again to myself,

because I’m just starting to realize that I’ve been

foolish, an asshole and, worse, an asshole who

deceives himself.

3

Erin

“Well, he sure is an asshole.”

I nod, drinking another sip of tea. I’m not

working today and I’ve gone by Nate’s house to

get a few things. I didn’t have a lot of time, I didn’t

want to run into him, so I went when I knew he

would be at school. I took two big bags and threw

all my stuff in. A few outfits, underwear, personal

things. I have to go back and get the rest, but I still

don’t feel like doing so.

I’ve been staying in Liam’s ex-apartment for a

week, practically since Rain invited me to stay. I

haven’t said much to the guys about it, just that I’ll

be staying here a few days and to their credit, they

didn’t ask me about it. They always have been

pretty discreet and I appreciate that.

I tell her about what happened with Patrick.

“Patrick? You mean our Patrick?”

“How many others do we know?”

“It just seems strange. That’s not like him.”

“Yeah.” I sigh.

I still feel uncomfortable about what happened.

I shouldn’t have cried on his shoulder—or his

chest if you want to get specific about it. He was

there, I was in the middle of an emotional crisis

and the rest was just instinct. I shouldn’t have done

it and things have been a bit weird between us

since then. We never talk and he always seems to

be tense when I’m in view.

“I’ve gotta get back down there,” Rain says,

eyeing her watch. “My break’s up. Why don’t you

come too? Maybe it’ll take your mind off things?”

“No thanks, I prefer to stay here.”

“I don’t like knowing you’re here alone, feeling

blue.”

“I have to study, I’ve got an exam in a few days

and I’m way behind. I’ve gotta really crack down

on this while I can.”

“Alright, but if you need anything—”

“I’ll call you.”

Rain gets up off the couch and kisses my cheek

before turning and heading downstairs.

“Erin … you’re important for me. Well, yeah.

You’re one of my best friends and one of the best

people I know. I just want to tell you that I’m here

and whatever decision you make—”

“Thanks,” I say, cutting her off before we both

break out sobbing. “I appreciate it.”

She smiles at me with her big wet eyes, leaving

me alone with my thoughts, my anxieties and my

fears.

I’m three exams from graduating, then I’ve got

to do my thesis. I can wrap that all up and then …

and then we’ll see. I don’t need Nate. But I really

am alone.

Dad is gone and Mom lives in San Francisco.

I’ve got nobody here except for Rain. How will I

make it? Nate was right when he said I’ve never

done anything on my own. I have always been

daddy’s spoilt little girl. I’ve never had to ask for

anything or force myself to do anything. It was

always there waiting for me, wrapped and ready to

go. I work at the pub, it’s true—my dad always

made fun of me for that, thinking it was just my

way of showing my independence. And I guess in

a way it was true, at least in the beginning, but I’ve

come to like the place, the people, and the clients

who come here. It’s almost become like a second

home for me here.

I’m an only child and it’s always been just Dad

and me. I don’t have cousins and Dad was also an

only child and the grandparents died when I was

little. All my mother’s family are in the States, so I

really don’t have anyone else to count on. Dad

didn’t want to go, leaving me here, but I had Nate

and Dad trusted him. I couldn’t have imagined he

would have left me for the first thing that passed

his way. And yet … that’s just what happened. You

think you really know somebody, especially those

near you, and instead you never stop learning and

you end up disappointed.

The cell phone rings, jarring me from my

thoughts. I look at the display: it’s Nate. I let it

ring until it goes to voicemail. After a few minutes

I get an SMS. Reluctantly I press the button and

read:

Your stuff is all at the entryway in boxes. You’ve

got until tomorrow to come get it.

I let myself fall back onto the couch, grabbing a

pillow and pushing my face into it to wipe out my

thoughts. Why does he have to be such an asshole?

Isn’t it enough for him to realize the way he

behaved? What do one or two days matter?

I guess he’s really in a hurry to get rid of me.

Right up to last week we were making plans

together. We had common goals. And now, his

goals have changed. So have mine, and our two

different outlooks can’t be reconciled.

Then I take a big breath of air and slowly let it

out. I throw the pillow to the ground and stand up.

I look for my shoes, take my jacket and grab the

keys and head downstairs. I’ll have to get a cab,

obviously I don’t have a car and it doesn’t seem

like a great idea to take two big boxes on the bus.

I open the pub door and the warmth and music

from this place is like a full frontal assault that

burns my eyes. I look at Rain from behind the

counter. She’s touching Liam’s arm and he’s

smiling back at her. I see Jay at a table, joking

around with two customers. I see Patrick and

Aaron arguing with Ned, one of the usual drunks. I

see people laughing, talking. It all seems like a big

family.

I take a deep breath and hold in my feelings,

I’m getting emotional and I don’t really understand

why.

I head toward the door to leave when Rain

notices me.

“Where are you going?” she asks, her voice

rising above the noise in the place.

“I have to go get my things.”

“Now?”

“Yep.”

“Alone?” Rain blinks her eyes, worried.

I move in closer so that everyone in the place

doesn’t have to listen to my problems.

“It’s all ready for me. Nate threw all my stuff

into the entryway in a few boxes.”

“What’s the big hurry?” she asks with a strained

voice.

“What’s going on?” Liam interrupts our

discussion.

“Nothing,” I reply vaguely. “I just have to go do

something.”

“Liam and I will come with you.”

“No, Rain. Really—”

“Something wrong?” Patrick comes toward the

counter looking first at me, then at Liam and Rain.

“Liam and I were just going out,” Rain

intervenes.

“Both of you? To do what? We’ve got a busy

night, you can’t both leave.”

“We’ll be back in a hour.”

Patrick looks at me before speaking with Liam.

“Give me the car keys.”

“What?” Liam, Rain and I all ask in unison.

“You’re going where I think you’re going?” he

asks me with an edge to his voice.

I nod and look away because the embarrassment

of the last time we were together still burns my

cheeks.

“I’ve only got a motorcycle, so I can’t bring

suitcases and stuff. So, Liam, give me your car

keys, and I’ll go get her things.”

Liam puts his hands in his pocket and produces

the keys. Before giving them to Patrick, he leans

closer and whispers in his ear: “Don’t do anything

stupid.”

Patrick doesn’t even look at him; he just takes

the keys and makes a motion with his head to

indicate that I should follow him. I look at Rain

who mimes with her lips: Relax, it’s going to be

okay, and then I follow Patrick out of the bar.

Patrick

I grab the keys and go directly outside before

asking myself what the hell I’m doing. Erin

follows me in silence, folding her arms tightly

against her chest. I open the door to get behind the

driver’s seat and she climbs in and sits next to me,

sighing. I hope she doesn’t want to talk because

I’m really not able to talk right now.

Sure, I can go with her, help her look for her

stuff and bring it back here in the least amount of

time possible, just as long as she understands I’m

not the person she can vent her feelings with, or

someone she can open up to, because that’s not the

case. I already made a mistake last week, letting

her cry on my shoulder, or in fact, in my arms,

because I held her tight—I wanted to. I think that’s

enough for one lifetime.

I turn on the engine and take off in a hurry; Erin

puts her seatbelt on and gives me a furtive glance,

which I do not return.

As I get further from the city, I head toward

Dublin. I know the area where he lives but don’t

know the exact address, so I’m forced to open my

mouth.

“Address?” I ask without looking at her and use

just the necessary words and no more.

“Whitehall, do you know it? Where the school

is?”

I nod.

“The apartment is near there, I’ll tell you when

we get closer.”

I nod again, keeping my eyes on the road, intent

on keeping my lip zipped until we get back to the

pub.

I should have stayed out of this, I know, but I

already understood what was going on. It’s

certainly obvious that it’s better to have one person

missing from work rather than two, but if I were to

tell the truth, I don’t like that asshole at all and I’d

like to see him out of Erin’s life as soon as

possible, without any bloodshed.

Erin has been working at Only4you for a good

while by now, and she’s like one of the family.

And then, let’s be honest, that guy Nate is an

asshole, spoilt and pompous, someone who

probably set foot in the pub maybe three times in

the last six months, evidently not wanting to mix

with the clientele or maybe he’s just afraid of

getting his ass kicked, which is what he deserves.

Erin clears her throat.

Shit. Is she about to say something?

“Uh … thanks.”

I take a deep breath. “No problem.”

“For the other night too.”

“You don’t need to. Don’t thank me.”

Erin bites her lower lip, and I can see from out

of the corner of my eye that she’s about to cry

again.

“I hope to be quick about this,” she says quietly.

“We’ll go in and be out in two minutes. When

the tooth is gone, so is the pain.”

Too many words, Patrick. Control yourself.

Erin looks at me sadly, even though she is

smiling. I shouldn’t get into this emotional stuff, I

really don’t want to. I know this is not my

territory.

“It really ended that badly?” I find myself

saying, without knowing why.

She doesn’t answer, just looks out the passenger

side window and we continue in silence until she’s

forced to speak to me in order to give directions.

We get out of the car and start walking towards

the door of the main building in which there are a

maximum of two apartments. Erin uses the key to

open it and we go up a ramp of stairs that brings us

to a door to the upstairs apartment. She takes a

deep breath and slowly opens it, making a sign that

I should go in. As soon as we close the door, that

asshole makes his triumphant appearance.

“I should have known you would have brought

that gorilla,” Nate says.

Gorilla? What’s his beef with me? Is this the

date he wants written on his tombstone?

“I don’t have a car, Nate. You know that.”

“You could have taken a taxi.”

“You could mind your own fucking business

and tell us where her things are,” I say without

bothering to censor my words.

“They’re bunched up over there,” he says,

indicating behind him. “I went to the trouble of

putting it all away so you don’t have any more

stress.”

He speaks almost sarcastically. I can see that he

didn’t pack her things in order to be nice, for some

reason he just wants to humiliate her. I’d really

like to know what Erin could have done to deserve

such behavior.

I shake my head and pass him, not bothering to

avoid brushing against him. He doesn’t move, just

adjusts his jacket and faces her again, this time

seeming a bit calmer and softer in his approach.

“Where will you go?”

I hear Erin reply in a whisper as I lift up two

boxes:

“You know full well that I have no place to go.”

She leaves the phrase dangling.

Erin comes closer to me and takes one of the

boxes.

“What are you going to do now?” the asshole

asks her. What a gentleman!

“That’s none of your business,” Erin answers,

going toward the door.

“I’d like to help. Maybe I could ask around if

they’ve got a room on campus.”

“I don’t need your help, you’ve already done

enough. You left me in the middle of the street,

Nate!”

I’m waiting there, laden with boxes and I can

feel the anger spreading from my toes to my head.

“I didn’t want it to end like this,” Nate carries

on. “I love you, Erin, and I did love you very

much, it’s just that with her…” the asshole

concludes, trying to be nice. “Let me help you. It’s

the least I can do.”

Erin shakes her head and opens the door. None

of the three of us says anything until we’re

standing in front of the car. Erin hands the keys to

the apartment to Nate.

“If you should come across anything that’s

mine, please let me know.”

“Erin, please—”

She blocks him by holding up her open hand in

front of his mouth.

Nate lowers his head and looks at his feet. Erin

looks around, clearly uncomfortable and I

understand that I have to leave them alone for a

minute so they can say goodbye.

I get in the car, turn on the engine and look in

the wing mirror. Nate opens his arms, but Erin

shakes her head and gets in the car, holding her

hands over her eyes.

Fuck.

“Go, Patrick,” she tells me through her

hiccupping. I do as she tells me without asking

questions and without adding anything.

I park a few meters from the bar along the

street. Erin hasn’t opened her mouth and I’ve

followed her lead. I turn off the engine and rest my

head on the steering wheel next to my hands.

“And so … another woman?” I venture.

“Please, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Erin.” I slowly lift up my head and look at her.

She’s scared and looks as if she’s about to have

another breakdown.

“I just need some time, okay? I have to

understand what to do.”

I nod and open the car door.

“Well, let’s bring this stuff upstairs.”

4

Erin

“Thanks, Patrick. Leave it there, I’ll take care of it

later.”

I set the last box down near the door and sit

down on the couch.

Rain practically assaulted me with questions as

soon as we got back, but I asked her to leave me

alone for a while and she respected my request,

telling me to call her if I wanted anything.

“If you tell me where they go, I can bring

them,” Patrick says to me.

“You’ve done enough.”

He huffs and cleans his hands on his jeans

before going to the kitchen and putting the kettle

on.

I turn abruptly. “What are you doing?”

“Making tea.”

“Patrick—”

“The other morning I was a mess and you made

me a cup of coffee and you let me work out my

bad mood because you knew that’s what I needed.

Now you’re the one who needs something. You

need a cup of tea, to help you to relax and to calm

you down. I’d like to return the favor.”

I look at him, frowning, while he moves

through the kitchen. He brings me a hot cup of tea

with three chocolate cookies bought yesterday at

Tesco. I look at the cup and then at the cookies

while I feel a wave of nausea pushing itself

upwards. I cover my mouth with my hands and run

to the bathroom where I arrive just in time to get

on my knees. I puke out everything, including my

soul, while my retching mixes with my sobbing.

Patrick slowly approaches with a towel; he gets

it wet under the tap and gets down on his knees

beside me, wetting my forehead. The relief is

instantaneous. I close my eyes and fall backwards,

sitting on the floor and resting against his chest.

“Does that asshole know?” he asks me directly.

“What? How did you—”

“I’m the first of six kids, Erin. I learned how to

tell the signs really quickly.”

“You’ve worked all that out from a bit of

nausea?” I ask with a shrill voice.

“No, I’ve picked up on your secret by seeing the

terror in your eyes.”

I turn slowly to look at him while my eyes fill

with tears. I shake my head and I cover my face

with my hands so I don’t have to see his

expression, which would tell me that he thinks I

am stupid and foolish.

Patrick lets the towel drop to the ground. Then

he grabs my shoulders and he lets me rest against

his shoulders. I let my head fall back and permit

him to console me, in silence, and to hear me cry.

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

I dry my eyes and break away from him. I slide

to the side and rest my back on the wall, hugging

my legs.

“Because he has another woman, Patrick. He

fell in love with an American researcher who just

got here two months ago. There’s nothing I can

do.”

“What a fucker.”

“I just did the test. For the third time to be

exact. I was waiting for him at home to tell him. I

knew it would have been a shock for him just like

it was for me. We weren’t going through the best

period and now maybe I understand why, but I

thought maybe this would bring us closer … I

know, that was stupid. You can’t fix things like

that, but what could I do? By now, it’s done. But

when this thing came out … I didn’t feel like I

could tell him. What would be the point? He’s in

love with someone else, Patrick. Another woman

is already sleeping in our bed…” I burst out crying

again.

“Have … have you thought about what to do?”

I freeze up and look him right in the eye. Of

course I’ve thought about it.

“There are some alternatives,” he says

cautiously.

Alternatives. There’s only one alternative and I

don’t believe I’m able to make a decision like that.

“A lot of girls in your situation go to England.

It’s allowed there, you know.”

I sigh.

“I think you still have some time to decide.”

I nod, trying to stand. Patrick gets up before I

do and holds out his hand to help me. I accept his

hand and pull myself up, and then I wash my face

and brush my teeth before going back into the

living room, where he has just gone.

I find him sitting on the couch with the same

cup as before in his hands.

“It’s still hot,” he says, touching the bottom of

the cup. “It’ll do you good. You’ll see—the worst

has passed.”

I sit on the couch where he makes space for me.

I rest my back on the armrest and stretch out my

legs until they’re touching his. He goes rigid right

away and sits up straight, playing nervously with

that metal thing in his tongue.

Brrr.

“You want me to go call Rain?”

“No, please don’t. She’d worry too much and

start crying.”

“You want to be alone?”

Alone? I’m terrified of being alone but what am

I supposed to do? Ask him to stay? Just him?

I don’t answer, lost in my thoughts. Patrick

must have understood because he finally takes off

his jacket and hangs it on the armchair next to us,

then he settles in and grabs my ankles and so my

feet rest on his legs.

I get red and try to take them away but he keeps

them in place with a hand. He doesn’t say anything

and I don’t ask.

Sometimes words are really overrated.

Patrick

What am I doing in this apartment? What the heck

am I doing here with her?

Oh, go on, what else could I have done?

Abandoned her? Made her feel more alone than

she already does?

She is completely terrified. She has no one.

Her father is away and her house is being rented

out. She studies and has a part-time job with us

and she’s practically out on the street because of

that asshole who didn’t know how to keep his dick

in his pants. God, If I find him on the streets I

think I’ll kill him with my own hands. Oh, it’s

true, he doesn’t know that Erin is … I can’t even

say it. Erin’s pregnant. By that asshole. And he’s

got another woman.

What a fucking mess.

Maybe she should have told him, but what

would have happened? Would he have stayed with

her because he ‘had to’? What kind of life would

that be? It’s already mighty hard raising children

when a couple love each other, can you imagine

what it must be like when the man is in love with

someone else? Nah. It would be a certified

disaster. An unhappy life sentence. Even if I think

he should take on his responsibility like a man, it

takes two to tango.

I take off Erin’s boots for her and I massage her

ankles. I don’t know why I’m doing it, I don’t

think she needs it, I guess maybe it’s just so as not

to be the asshole I usually am. Then I sigh and out

come the words:

“You’ll stay here.”

I didn’t have to think about it at all.

Erin looks at me without speaking.

“You don’t think Rain is going to let you go

anywhere, do you?” I tell her.

No one would let her go anywhere.

I couldn’t ever let her go anywhere.

“I can’t afford to…”

“Don’t say anything else. We don’t need rent for

this apartment. If we did, why would it still be

empty?”

“I can’t accept that, Patrick. Besides, you

haven’t spoken about it with the others.”

The others? No one would ever object to

offering a place to stay for a lady in trouble,

especially the guys.

“I’ll tell them tonight, but I already know

there’s no need. As soon as they know about—”

“No,” she interrupts me. “Please, don’t tell

anyone.”

“You can’t keep it hidden forever.”

“Wait just until I’ve made a decision, please. It’s

already so embarrassing that you know about it.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got

lots of embarrassing things on my resume.”

“Yeah, well, I’m sure you have,” she says, her

mouth folding up into a smile.

I smile back at her and shake my head.

Does everybody know about me?

Erin scoots down more on the couch until her

head is resting on the armrest. She yawns and has

droopy eyes as if she is about to close them and

fall asleep.

“Tell me about your latest conquest,” she says,

turning on her side.

“I don’t think you want to hear about it.”

“I do, please. It’ll keep my mind busy.”

Well all right, if she really wants to know.

I start to tell her about the girl with the alluring

eyes and how I provoked her by biting on the ring

on my lip, giving her undeniable signals. I talk to

her about my technique and how I assure myself in

advance that’s all they want from me. She laughs,

shakes her head and makes fun of me. I laugh too,

even though I’m the butt of the joke. I start to

breathe slower because I realize that Erin is

relaxing and I am too.

I can’t imagine what she must feel and in

reality, I shouldn’t even think about it. I stay away

from these things, from defenseless girls in need of

help, comfort and support. But this one just landed

right in my lap without my permission and even

though I tried to push her away, I cannot ignore

that Erin needs help right now, that she needs

people close to her. She’s like family after all;

she’s been with us for a year. Rain loves her.

Everyone in the bar likes her, and now she’s alone.

We can’t abandon her.

I can’t abandon her.

Slowly, she drifts off to sleep, cradled by my

words. I get up carefully as to not wake her and

then crouch down to pick her up to take her to the

bedroom, where she will be more comfortable.

I draw her to me to balance the weight and her

heat mixes with mine. A shiver runs down my back

and my arms start to shake, and not because of the

weight.

I’m too close.

Dangerously close.

Close to throwing away everything I’ve been

feeding myself for thirty years. Everything I’ve

always believed. Everything I’ve always fought

for. I’m so close that I feel her weight directly on

my chest as if she were sucking away my breath.

I hold her to my chest and her head falls onto

my shoulder. Instinctively I give her a kiss on the

forehead and take in her perfume that fills my

nostrils, assaults my senses, until abandoning me

in a place I’ve never been, I’ve never been a part

of, and to which I never thought I would belong.

I set her down softly on the bed and cover her

with the blanket. I observe her for a few minutes

and it seems like I’m holding my breath and I can

hear my own heartbeat.

Then I turn and walk away quickly, to avoid the

knowledge that the thing I’ve been running from

my whole life grabs me and throws me against the

wall. That it drags me towards the unknown and

into something terrible that could only hurt me.

And hurt her.

5

Erin

“So, how’d it go yesterday?” Rain asks me.

“I got my stuff and came back here.”

“Was Patrick helpful to you?”

“Uhm-mmm,” I murmur, hiding behind a cup of

tea.

“Have you thought about what to do?”

Of course I’ve thought about it. That’s all I do

all day long is think about it.

I’m still studying, I’ve got to graduate and apply

for my PhD. Follow in my father’s footsteps. I had

a lot of plans and now everything’s coming

undone.

“I don’t know what to do, Rain,” I confess,

setting down the cup of tea on the table and curling

up on the couch. “I didn’t have this in mind for

myself.”

“I know, dear, but it’s happened, you can’t

pretend that it didn’t or avoid the unavoidable. You

have to make a decision, and quickly.”

“I don’t think I’m able to.” I sigh and the words

that come out of my mouth weigh like a boulder

on my heart. “Yeah, you know, I’m just twenty-

two years old and I’m completely alone.”

“You’re not alone, and you know it. I’m here …

we’re here.” And she gently squeezes my arm.

“You know what I mean.”

“I’d never be able to renounce it … it’ll never

happen to me,” she says, closing her eyes and

breathing deeply.

“What do you mean?” I ask, leaning up and

towards her.

“The accident,” she replies with a sigh.

I blink and I can just feel myself die at her

words. I had no idea how she felt, and here I am

complaining about my condition to her.

“I’m sorry, Rain, that was insensitive.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

“Does Liam … know about it?”

“Yes.” She smiles just slightly. “He knows

everything and he’s been fabulous. I love him even

more for that. I don’t want to confuse you or

convince you to do something you’re not ready

for, but I’d like for you to understand that

sometimes things happen and there’s nothing we

can do but take it for what it is. Accept it and find

a solution. You’re lucky, Erin. You’ve had this gift

even if now it doesn’t seem that way to you, for

one day, believe me, it will be. And if you should

decide to give it up now, you could regret it for the

rest of your life.”

“Oh Rain.” I hug her tightly. “I’m so sorry,” I

add, close to tears.

“Everything’s fine, I’m good. I have Liam and

the guys and you. We’re a big family, and you’re

part of it. You’ll never be alone while you’re here

with us.”

Her words reassure me. They are the only

people I’ve got now, and even if I could call my

father, have him run out here or for me to go to

him, I know it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.

It’s time for me to grow up, to be an adult, to make

my decisions and take responsibility.

I’m pregnant. I’m going to have a baby. Without

a father.

I pull away from her and take a deep breath.

“We have to go downstairs.” I get up from the

couch and look for my shoes. “I have to work as

long as I’m able to.”

“Just don’t exaggerate, okay? You’re in a very

special condition.”

“I don’t think that working in a pub can harm

the baby.”

Rain smiles. “That’s the first time you’ve said it

out loud, you know?”

“What?”

“Baby.”

I smile too before shaking my head, slipping my

shoes on and heading out the door.

“Come on, we got work waiting.”

~ ~ ~

We prepare everything for the evening. I clean the

tables, adjust the seating, and shine the glasses.

The work is a nice distraction and helps me to

forget about what I’ve got to do in the next few

months and years. Worrying about what’s going to

happen makes me nervous and the bile goes

straight to my throat. The retching starts right on

time, forcing me to run to the bathroom in back

where Aaron and Jay are loading the fridge.

I close the door behind me and kneel down and

allow my stomach to empty what little it contains.

We’re just at the beginning of my pregnancy and I

have no idea how all this is going to go.

I rinse my mouth out and splash my face with

cool water before looking at myself in the mirror:

not my best look. I’m starting to wonder if I’m

going to make it through this evening.

Then I open the door and find myself in front of

two guys with their arms crossed across their

chests.

I swallow with great difficulty and hope they

haven’t understood anything, that they don’t tell

me to go away and not come back to work because

I might puke on the customers.

“Everything okay?” Aaron asks.

I nod and lower my glance and start fidgeting

with my hands.

“Maybe you shouldn’t work tonight.”

‘I’m fine,” I say, side-stepping past them.

“I don’t think so,” Jay interrupts. “Your face

doesn’t lie.”

“Okay,” I concede. “Maybe I’m not at my best

and a little rest would be good for me.”

“Well then go, I’ve got you covered,” Jay

concludes, resting a hand on my shoulder.

“But today is your day off,” I protest.

“I seriously have nothing to do.” He smiles,

squeezing my shoulder. “Go on, I’ll stay here.”

“Maybe just a half an hour,” I add.

“Erin, you go lay down and don’t think about

it,” Aaron concludes in an affectionate tone.

I smile and thank them with my eyes while I

back away towards my apartment. I go up the

stairs and flop down on the couch, close my eyes

and abandon myself to the desperation and solitude

I feel right now.

I’m never going to make it, I tell myself, before

falling into an anxious sleep.

Patrick

“Okay, guys, quick meeting before we open.”

Jay calls everyone’s attention before opening

the doors for the evening.

“What are you doing here? Wasn’t it your day

off?” I call from the counter.

“It was, but Erin said she wasn’t feeling well so

I sent her upstairs. I’m taking her place.”

“She’s not well? What wrong with her?”

“She didn’t go into details, Patrick, but if

someone says they aren’t feeling well, I believe

them. It’s not my business, right?”

“You could have asked.”

“If you’re so interested, why don’t you call her

and ask her yourself?”

Without answering him I get up and leave the

bar area, going straight for the back where the door

is that heads up to the apartment. I don’t know

why I’m doing it; or then again maybe

unfortunately I know exactly why I’m doing it.

But even though I don’t want to get mixed up in all

this, I can’t help worrying about her. She’s alone

and afraid, she’s not well and I know why.

I knock on the apartment door but there’s no

answer. I can’t hear anything inside and I’m

starting to worry. Getting nervous, I push the door

open, finding that she hasn’t locked it. I walk into

the living room where I see her asleep on the

couch.

And I let out a sigh of relief and approach her

slowly. She’s resting and seems calm, so I decide

not to wake her and just take a moment to watch

her without being seen.

Not that I’ve never done this before. I’ve looked

at her a few times over the past months, but Erin

works for us and up until a few days ago she was

in a relationship, so getting involved with her is

not something I’d want to get into.

And yet, now I can’t help smiling at hearing her

light snoring, the color in her cheeks and the

lovely blessed expression she has on her face right

at this moment.

I turn suddenly to avoid these thoughts that are

wearing me down, dominating me. I guess I’d

better get out of here and get back to work and

stop thinking about things I shouldn’t be

contemplating.

“Hey!”

She blocks me at the door, calling out with her

sleepy voice. “How long have you been here?” she

asks, pulling herself up to a sitting position.

I turn again and swallow these new and

terrifying feelings.

“I just came up to see how you were. Jay said

you weren’t feeling well.”

“I was just tired. Seems like I never sleep

enough.”

I smile because I’ve seen this many times in the

past and I know that pregnancy brings along

difficulties and a sense of tiredness, especially at

the beginning.

“I’m feeling better now. Maybe I could go back

down—”

“Stay there,” I interrupt her. “Don’t you dare go

back to work.”

What the hell am I saying? Where are these

alpha male overprotective words coming from?

“I’m not sick, Patrick, you don’t have to worry

about me,” she says resentfully.

“I don’t want one of my employees to work

when they aren’t in a condition to do so.”

Asshole.

And liar.

“Sure, but that’s the only reason, right?”

Absolutely not.

“Yes,” I say instead.

“Okay, well, I need to work, in case you haven’t

understood. I’m alone and I need to keep this job.”

“What about your dad? Have you called him?”

“Not yet,” she says, blushing and falling back

onto the couch, covering her eyes with her hands.

“I don’t want to do it until I’ve made a decision.”

I shake my head to show my disapproval but

say nothing. I think that she should call him, for

she needs her family right now.

“You wanna get a breath of fresh air?” I ask her,

slipping my hands into my jeans pockets and

looking at my feet. I think she needs to relax and

probably get some air outside of these four walls.

“With you?”

I give her a half smile. “I’d like to take you

somewhere.”

~ ~ ~

We sit down on a rock, each of us holding on to

something because it’s one of those windy-as-hell

days and here, on the hills of Howth, the weather

seems to be getting worse.

I’ve brought her to my special spot, the place

where I come when I need to be alone, and to think

and just get some clarity. I’ve never shared it with

anyone and don’t really understand why I feel the

need to do it now with her, but it seemed like she

needed it.

“It’s nice,” she thanks me. “Did you know I’ve

never been here?”

“It’s a good thinking spot. I come here when I

need to.”

“And let’s see here … what do you need to

think about? Which idiot to sleep with?”

She freezes as soon as I turn to look at her.

“Uhm, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Erin is contrite. “It’s certainly not my business and

you’ve been so good to me and now I’m attacking

you.”

“It’s the hormones,” I tell her, smiling.

She doesn’t reply, she just turns to look at the

horizon and gets lost in her thoughts.

I don’t want to bother her, so I limit myself to

taking in the panoramic view too. It’s a natural

stretch of land whose tip disappears into the sea

and where on clear days you can see the lighthouse

in the distance and also the Ireland Eye. It’s

undoubtedly a breathtaking view, especially at

sunset, but I can’t help taking in her perfect profile

out of the corner of my eye: her upturned nose, her

windblown hair. It seems like an image a painter

would create in order to transform something that

was already perfect into something sublime.

What the devil am I doing? I don’t need this,

and I sure don’t need her.

“I don’t know what to do,” she confides in me

suddenly without moving her glance away from

the view. “I’d really like to think I could do it, but

I’m not able to, Patrick. What do I know about

babies? What do I know about sacrifice, work and

bills? What do I know about life? I’ve always lived

by relying on my father and then I moved in with

Nate and I depended on him. I don’t know what to

do on my own; I don’t even know how to take care

of myself. I’m still like a little girl,” she concludes,

as tears start streaking her silent face. “And if I

even start to think about another solution … you

see? I can’t even say the words.”

I take my hand out from my pocket and bring it

to her face. I tuck back a tress of her wild hair

behind an ear just in time to see the last tear glue

itself to her cheek.

I brush it away and she sighs just slightly.

“I think you’ve already made your choice.”

6

Erin

I am definitely better today and it’s strange

because it’s also my first visit to the gynecologist.

Rain is going with me. I didn’t ask her to, she

volunteered.

I’m sitting at the counter drinking a cup of tea

and waiting for Rain to arrive. The pub is closed

and I’ve got enough time to get back here before

work starts.

Patrick arrives and slams the door open. He’s

wearing his can’t do without sunglasses, as if there

was ever any sun around here; he has on his

indispensable leather jacket and a pair of jeans

from another lifetime. He takes off his glasses as

soon as he sees me and my stomach does a couple

of somersaults to remind me it’s time to empty it.

Or maybe that’s not it at all.

His eyes are as dark as night and they pierce me

for a few seconds, and I forget for a moment that

I’m pregnant, that I’m alone and, especially, who

he is. I can’t get worked up about certain things.

It’s the hormones, that’s it.

It isn’t him.

Absolutely not.

“Hey,” he greets me with a nod of the head.

“Hi,” I respond a bit timidly.

What the devil is eating me?

“What are you doing here? I wasn’t expecting

you before 4 p.m.”

He comes dangerously close to the counter and

I sit up straight on the barstool, taking up my cup

so as not to be forced into the intensity of his

glance.

Is it possible I didn’t notice it before?

“I’m waiting for Rain, I have an appointment.”

“An appointment?” he says, raising an eyebrow.

“With the doctor. It’s my first visit.”

He takes his jacket off, setting it on the stool

beside him, then goes behind the counter looking

around, as if he doesn’t know what to do.

Rain makes her way in accompanied by Liam

and Aaron. Liam squeezes her shoulders and

places a delicate kiss on her nose, while Aaron

pretends to be annoyed and acts like he’s about to

throw up.

My eyes fill up with tears in that same moment.

I’m sure I am more emotional than usual, but

seeing their happiness is like an atomic bomb

going off, reminding me of my precarious position.

I bite my lower lip, hoping to avoid crying like an

idiot in front of everyone, while Rain laughs and

jokes with her man.

Patrick arrives behind me and puts his strong

warm hands on my shoulders, squeezing them

slightly. I shiver at the unexpected contact, but I

need it so much in that moment. I breathe heavily

while his hands slide down my arms, making me

shiver again. He gets to my hands and brushes

them and I close my eyes, tasting this feeling down

to my bones. I feel something that resembles

safety, warmth. Our hands remain close while we

both pretend it’s nothing. I don’t look at them and

neither does he, but I can hear his irregular

breathing behind me and his hot breath on my

neck.

“Ready?” Rain calls me back out of my reverie.

I nod, regretting that I’ll have to move away

from him. Without saying anything or even

looking at him, I go out the door and start walking

down the street as Rain grabs onto my arm.

“Everything okay, honey?”

“I’m just a bit nervous.”

“And … what was happening in there?”

I look at her, confused.

“You and Patrick.”

I open my mouth to reply and then shut it

immediately. The truth is that I don’t know what to

say. Patrick and me? Nothing. Nothing is

happening. He’s worried about his employee, like

he’s already said more than once.

End of story.

I don’t respond and Rain doesn’t ask. She’s like

that. She’ll throw out an argument just to see you

go into a panic and then leave everything in

suspense to make you reflect on it and go nuts.

~ ~ ~

“And so, everything’s proceeding along as it

should,” says the doctor. “I’ve prescribed you

some vitamins and the first sonogram. I’d say you

could go about your business as usual: work,

studies, no problems there. Try not to use

excessive force in doing anything and not to wear

yourself out and you’ll see, you’ll make it to the

end without any troubles. And now, shall we listen

to the heartbeat?”

“The heartbeat?” I ask while Rain squeezes my

hand tightly.

“I’d say you’re about eight weeks gone by now,

so we should be able to hear it,” he says and in

confusion, I allow him to put some cold gel on my

abdomen and continue with the exam.

“Here, do you hear it?”

Rain explodes into emotional tears while I try to

concentrate on the image on the monitor that the

doctor continues to indicate and to focus on the

sound that can now be heard distinctly in this

small room.

I hear it.

And how, I hear it.

I can hear it all over my body.

My child’s heart.

A life that is growing and intertwining with

mine.

Patrick

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Aaron

asks me suddenly, as soon as Rain and Erin walk

out.

Liam takes his ear in his fingers and stretches it,

very eager to listen in.

I shrug my shoulders and get to work, or at least

I try. I attempt to add up the numbers to see how

many bottles I need to fill the fridge, what’s

missing, what needs to be substituted and so on, as

Aaron draws nearer the counter, sitting on the

opposite side and resting his elbows on the wood.

I huff and decide to face him, because by now I

know him well enough to realize he’s not gonna let

this go.

“What is your problem?” I say.

A tense smile. “I don’t have any problem for the

moment, but I will if you continue with this story.”

“What story?” I ask him, crossing my arms over

my chest and raising one eyebrow.

Liam joins us and sits next to him, clearing his

throat.

“You know she’s our employee and what’s

more, she’s Rain’s friend. We can’t afford to lose

her.”

“What the fuck?”

“Come on Patrick, you’re a bit old to act so

childish and pretend like this doesn’t affect you.

We know very well what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything, so knock it off. And

even if I was, it’s none of your business.”

“I knew it!” Aaron exclaims, raising his voice

and punching the counter.

Liam puts a hand on his shoulder, inviting him

to stay calm because he’s already learned that the

tough guy routine doesn’t get him anywhere with

me except perhaps producing the opposite of the

desired effect.

“Let’s speak about this clearly,” Aaron starts.

“We don’t care about the kind of life you live. We

don’t even care when you go home with

customers, even if we’ve lost a few because of you

lately, but okay. I understand, it’s your way of

facing life, and if I don’t share your vision, that’s

fine. We’re friends and also business partners. I

support you even when I don’t approve of certain

choices you make, but this is a different situation.”

“Listen,” I interrupt him, placing both hands on

the counter and leaning toward him threateningly.

“I don’t stick my nose in your business, unless you

need a kick in the ass to see reality as it really is

right in front of you,” I say, looking right at Liam,

who was indeed in need of my advice before

understanding that Rain was the right woman for

him. “So, I will not accept that you do it to me,

always assuming that there is something to stick

your nose into anyway.”

“I’m only going to tell you this one time, okay?

And understand I don’t like doing this at all, but if

you try it on with her, I swear I’ll kick you out.

You’ll be out of the house and this job in the pub.”

“You can’t do that,” I challenge him.

“Of course I can. Might I remind you that Rain

and I are the major shareholders in this business?”

“Are you threatening me?”

“If that’s how you want to see it, then yes, take

it like a threat.”

“What’s all the fuss about, Aaron? She’s just a

girl. A girl like a lot of other girls. What’s all the

interest?” I conclude while my nails scratch the

mirror I’m trying to grab on to.

A girl like any other.

Not at all.

Aaron gets up off the stool, knocking it

backwards so it screeches across the floor. He also

leans toward me in a threatening manner.

“We both know that’s a bunch of bullshit.”

“Maybe among all of us, you’re the one whose

got some ideas…” I say, with a new sensation

starting out in my stomach, a feeling as if someone

is setting me on fire.

“Same old asshole!”

“What the hell is wrong with you, man? You’ve

never judged my life before or my choices. Why

now? What’s changed?”

“It’s because we’ve all grown up a bit too much

to be able to accept this kind of behavior. She’s

also a friend and a good worker. She’s young,

Jesus, she’s only twenty-two and you are a man,

maybe … She’s going through a difficult moment,

she just got dumped by her boyfriend and she

doesn’t have anyplace to go. It’s a shitty situation

and you’re trying to make it worse. I’m not asking

you, I’m telling you to watch yourself, and leave

her alone.”

We lock gazes for a few seconds and from the

corner of my eye I can see Liam watching us,

ready to intervene if push should come to shove.

But we’re talking about Aaron and I couldn’t hit

him even if he does initiate a fight.

So I turn and go, to take my time and cool off. I

go out the back door and rub my face a few times

with my hands in an attempt to clear my thoughts.

Is that really what I’m doing? Am I trying it on

with her?

Just her?

Come on, I know I’m a jerk, but not a jerk like

that! Not a hopeless one! I know enough to

understand when I should step forward and do

something and when I should leave things alone,

and this is definitely the second case.

Like Aaron said, she’s a friend in need of help,

trouble is he has no idea how much help she needs.

I’m giving her a hand, a shoulder to cry on,

whatever the fuck you want to call it. That’s it.

There’s nothing else.

There won’t be anything else.

There shouldn’t be anything else.

7

Erin

I go back to the pub feeling in a bit of a lighter

mood than when I left but with an anxiety that

threatens my stomach, which is already protesting.

I’m calmer after the doctor’s exam, even if the

uncertainty about the future will not allow me to

fully enjoy the fact that the baby is healthy and

things are going well. I work a few hours before

taking a little break and I decide to go study for my

upcoming exam. Time is running out and with my

chronic tiredness that never leaves me alone, I

have to use every waking moment and let’s just

face facts: studying keeps my mind occupied.

I sit at a table next to the window. The pub is

pretty empty tonight and the music isn’t too loud

so I am able to completely concentrate on the

pages.

Okay, that’s a lie.

The place is empty and quiet, I have the book in

front of me and I do need to study, but there’s

something else that’s captured my attention.

He’s moving around to the tables and he seems

agitated. He’s not looking customers in the face

and he’s barked at Aaron more than once when

he’s been asked to do something. He takes away

the glasses, takes them into the back, and then goes

back to the bar to prepare some more drinks. He

sighs. Continuously. I didn’t think it was possible

for a person to sigh so many times in one minute.

G e e z , I h o p e h e ’s n o t g o i n g t o s t a r t

hyperventilating.

He’s wearing a tight-fitting dark top that

adheres mercilessly to his muscles, and his

pectorals.

Well, there it goes again, my crazy hormones!

I am able to see at least two tattoos just on his

arms; I don’t dare imagine what other ones there

might be on his body.

Oh hormones, you can stop now!

I also happen to know about his tongue