Solace Rotation – VII, Cycle 5032

~RYDER~

I needed peace or a moment of absolute silence. Anything to block the multiple sounds, emotions, and torments fighting for entry within me.

I needed to escape – centre myself and understand that this would pass. I will survive this.

Yet, my emotions began to crawl into the depths of the darkness, slithering against the barrier that encased my mind.

I knew their intentions: to shatter the mental barricade I created for myself.

All I wanted was a break. A moment to enjoy the blissful silence surrounding me.

With silence, tranquility emerged. I didn’t need to concern myself with anyone’s feelings or concerns.

I could drop the facade I portrayed every day; the image everyone else saw when I walked down the castle halls.

I was the leader – my purpose had been to inspire and lead my fellow knights towards the undetermined future as we strived to find our goal; our princess...my beloved Rosalina.

Now, she was called Makoto Heart, the woman of my life. I wasn’t the only one she’d impacted; her feisty, humorous personality brought a sense of fresh air to my group of knights: my true family.

Within two rotations, she’d inspired us to become better knights.

Not only did I crave to hear her laugh, but to see those gorgeous turquoise jewels glimmering with happiness as her luscious plump red lips smiled brilliantly, but I craved to taste her, to feel her body against mine.

Her warmth soothed me and the pain that cradled my heart. She accepted my flaws and unworthiness – her appointed star knight whose mission was to serve and protect her from harm’s way.

Yet, I failed, again. My immature, nine-cycle-old self had ignored the signs back then. It was no different now; my older self unable to see the signs before she was taken from me, once more. Would I be able to prove myself once again?

“Ryder.”

No, I didn’t want to go yet. I needed more time in solitude. The darkness was calming and allowed me to ignore the multiple responsibilities and tasks before me.

I didn’t want to face reality, afraid to succumb to my own feelings and heartache.

I wanted my Firefly back.

I wanted to hear her call my name again, to whisper words in my ear as she kissed my neck, cuddling against my bare chest.

I could still imagine the feel of her breasts pressed against me; the thin fabric of her bra unable to hide the feel of her hardened nipples as she lay on top of me. The way she would bite the side of her lip as her eyes gazed up to smile softly at me.

I craved her in all aspects. Even now with my mind surrounded by darkness, I yearned for my Mako...for our Firefly...I missed her. Can I not grieve in peace?

“Ryder...please. I need you, too.”

Stryker– my demon spirit.

I could feel the barrier begin to crack; the glass-like surface breaking as the cracks grew longer and spread across the glass. It was a spider web, spreading to the point where one slight impact would shatter it completely – the emotions taking advantage of its vulnerable state.

Stryker’s feelings were the strongest, such levels of anger and desperation distracting as I tried to function in our current predicament.

I knew he tried to stop his worries and fears from flooding me, just as the others tried to control their emotions from leaking through our knight bond, but he was a part of me and we would have to share this pain together – to mourn the woman we loved.

He had feelings for Rose, Mako’s demon spirit. Their love blossomed way before I began to crush on the little, blue-eyed princess.

Now, he was hurting; unable to stop his emotions from consuming me and tearing at my soul. His reconnection with Rose had restored his emotions for her.

“Ya, I know. Just, one more minute...please.” I begged, my voice cracked.

I couldn’t deal with this pressure, making me regret being a leader to begin with.

What possessed the Starlight gods to think I was worthy enough to lead this diverse group of men?

I didn’t feel worthy or strong enough to lead them and face whatever darkness was foretold. I could barely keep myself together, unable to stop the events that had transpired two weeks ago.

Yet here I stood, the leader of the star knights, hidden away within my mind, so I wouldn’t fall to my own demise.

The hardest part of having a demon spirit was losing control. Darkness wasn’t my enemy, it was a part of me.

Together with the darkness, I could accomplish many things, power being one of the lovely benefits. Too bad that power couldn’t help me now.

“Patience. Time will tell...we have to go.”

I mentally frowned at the tone of his voice, a sound that usually held no emotion was filled with pain and regret.

What was the use of having the power of darkness at my fingertips, if I was unable to defeat the enemy before me? The enemy who stole our Firefly away. The same desolate king who stole my sister from my care. It was his fault that my life had turned out this way, down to this very moment.

Without his selfish greed, I would have been happily serving Heila as a knight during the day, returning to the arms of my lover, the Princess of Prosperity and Good Fortune at night.

I would have experienced over and over again through the cycles, how it would have felt to return to her every night – to her intoxicating, vanilla scent, and have been able to run my hands through her long, brown locks before pressing my lips against her soft ones.

But, such a vision was nothing more than an unfulfilled wish.

During the day, I hid my troubles in the shadows as I forced the fake me to emerge – continuing my duties and training as a knight of Heila as I tried to receive my parent’s praise and adoration. But, at night I was left alone to succumb to my internal pain.

Blair Aspen, you think you’ve won? If only you could fathom what’s coming your way. They say light defeats the darkness, but they don’t know the truth. My darkness won’t just defeat you...no, it will break you – piece by piece – as I give you a glimpse of what true darkness has to offer. All I need is patience and time. I’m done with being at a standstill. I’ll get my revenge, just you wait. For Anya and Mako...I’ll destroy you.

With that vow, the spider webbed barrier shattered, the multiple waves of emotion poured in.

I opened my eyes, taking a moment to steady my breathing. I wouldn’t let the emotions take control; I was stronger than them.

I looked around the empty bedroom – my bedroom as a child. My happiest moments were spent here, playing and sleeping with the girl I crushed on. Other than that, it had no significance.

I uncrossed my legs before stretching them out. With a deep breath, I sat forward; my feet hit the soft maroon rug below, the texture comforting.

I rose, taking one more second to stretch before striding towards the door. My hand wrapped around the door knob, having every intention to turn the black metal clockwise , but I remained still.

I had to centre my mind: closing my eyes, I called upon the other me to take over.

It was time to walk on stage and perform to an audience who knew me as nothing but the son of King Carter, future heir of Minato.

I couldn’t show weakness beyond these four walls. A prince must always show strength, even in the times of despair and mourning.

I allowed my heavy eyelids to open, my mind made up. I could feel Stryker brush against my mental walls, feelings of encouragement and determination lingered as his presence came and went. I gripped the knob firmly before turning it to open the door before me.

Time to face reality.