Chapter 19

The Non-Clichéd Part Where I Go After What’s Mine

 

 

AND my anger/bravery/awesomeness didn’t even deflate when Vince opened his door after I’d pounded on it, looking less than pleased to see me. I almost felt bad for disrupting his foreplay, but then I realized I didn’t feel bad about that at all.

“Paul,” he said tightly.

I pushed past him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt the love fest. Darren! So nice to see you here. Get your ass outside so I can beat the shit out of you. Now.”

Darren eyes went comically wide. “Excuse me?”

I got right up in his face. “You and me? We’re going to duel.”

He snorted. “What the hell did you smoke?”

“A can of whoop ass,” I told him. Then I thought about what I’d just said. “Wait… that didn’t make sense. Quick, ask me again. I can do this.” I popped my neck and hopped on both feet like I was a boxer. Gettin’ loose. Gettin’ loose.

“What?”

“Ask me again what I smoked.”

“I don’t… what are you talking about?”

“Just do it!”

“Okay? What did you smoke?”

“No, you have to say it like you did before.”

“How did I say it before?”

“You were slightly amused, sarcastic and angry. I think. And you have to say ‘hell’ again too. Makes it sound more hard core when there’s cussing.”

“Saying ‘hell’ is cussing?”

“Yeah. Well, my dad says it is.”

“You are so weird.”

“You and me?” I growled at him. “We’re going to duel.”

He stared at me.

“Say your line!” I hissed at him.

“Er. What the hell did you smoke?”

“Nothing,” I said grandly. “Because I don’t smoke because smoking kills five hundred thousand Americans every year. Dammit! That didn’t make sense either! Why can’t I think of really awesome comeback lines?”

“Oh, is that what we’re doing? Do it to me now. I’ve got a good one. I’ll start.” Darren took a step back and puffed up his chest. “You and me?” he snapped. “We’re going to duel.”

I got a little scared at that. “What the hell did you smoke?” I squeaked.

“Your dad’s pole,” he snarled at me. Then he grinned. “How was that? I’ve got some other ones if you—”

I punched him in the mouth.

I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I didn’t even realize my fist was cocked back behind my head until it was too late. My arm shot forward and my knuckles collided with his lips and I remember thinking this was probably not my best idea while his head snapped back. And as much as I’m sure it hurt him, holy fuck, the pain that shot through my hand was wicked.

“Son of a bitch!” I howled, holding my hand, sure it was going to fall off.

“You just punched me!” Darren said, covering his mouth with his hand.

“Is your face made of metal? Are you the fucking Terminator? Did Skynet take over and I didn’t know about it? All my bones are broken because of your face!” My hand felt like it was on fire, and I was pretty sure that bone chips were breaking off into my bloodstream and working their way up to my brain where they would become lodged, eventually leading to my death.

“What the hell, Paul?” Vince said angrily. “Why did you hit him?” He had his hands curled at his sides like he was getting ready to take me on as well. I wondered if I still had fight left in my left hand, because my right was useless.

“I saw you,” I said, all rational reason and thought pretty much done for the day. “Through the window! He was all up on your nut sac and he wants to bone you and you’ve been Freddie Prinze Junioring me this whole time, haven’t you!”

“You want to bone me?” Vince asked Darren, a slightly disgusted look on his face. “Dude.”

“What?” Darren shouted. “No, I don’t want to fucking bone you! That’s gross!”

Now I was offended for Vince. And myself, since that reflected on my taste. “He’s not gross!” I yelled back, stepping in between the two of them, protecting Vince from Darren’s dangerous libido. “He’s pretty fucking awesome and you can’t have him! He’s mine and you need to stay the fuck away.”

“Paul,” Darren said, “Vince is my brother.”

“I don’t fucking care if he’s your mom, you still can’t fuck him, becau—Wait. What?”

“Vince is my brother,” he said again, and it made less sense the second time. He looked over my shoulder at Vince. “And I do not want to bone you. You’re not that hot.”

“Thank God,” Vince sighed. “I thought you wanted to have sex with me and I didn’t know how to tell you that incest is not something that turns me on. Well, twins, maybe.”

“Twins turn you on?” I asked him, shocked. “That’s… ew.” But inwardly I cursed that I did not have a twin right at that moment. Not that I would have done anything with said twin. That would be wrong. Maybe.

He shrugged. “One of those things. Kind of like your box of toys hiding under your bed.”

“Yeah, but dildos aren’t related! And how the fuck are you brothers? I’ve never heard that before. Anytime you were mentioned, the news said you were the only child.”

Darren smiled, but there was no humor in it. “Yeah, well, you probably wouldn’t have heard that, would you? I’m the deep, dark secret.”

“I am so confused,” I said. Today was just another day in the weirdest week in the history of all weeks.

“Vince’s dad is my dad.”

“Okay?

“His mom is not my mom.”

“But… not his mom?”

Darren shook his head.

I thought on it. “And how old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

“And Vince is twenty-eight. So… oh. Oh shit.”

“You got it?”

I looked at Vince. “Your dad cheated on your mom?” I sounded aghast. And she stayed with him? And she sided with him over her own son? Suddenly, all the goodwill that I had built up toward Lori Taylor collapsed. I was once again angry with a dying woman. I hated the feeling, but I think I might have hated her just a little bit more. I tried to keep from showing it on my face. This wasn’t supposed to be about me. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

He smiled tiredly at me before it faded. “What are you doing here, Paul?”

“I’m pretty sure I came to get you back, but now I don’t even know if you went anywhere? Did you? Or, if you did, if I had any right to come after you. Did I?” I sounded idiotic, but I couldn’t stop it.

He gave me a weird look. “You came after me even though I told you to stay away?”

“Er. Yes?” Stop sounding like you’re asking questions! “Yes. That’s exactly what I did. You see, my parents, Nana, Sandy, and Wheels all had an intervention after my dad unscrewed my door. Nana already had a speech written out in case I got addicted to meth which, to be honest, I never really thought about, but now that she mentioned it, I can’t stop thinking about it. Uh. Wait. Not that I want to do meth or anything, just like… you know… what would I be like on meth? I don’t even know what meth does to you. Is it like bath salts? Does it turn you into a zombie and you go around eating other people’s faces? I don’t think I’d make a very good zombie because I get really grossed out by the sight of blood and the thought of eating someone else makes me queasy. As it rightly should. So, I guess the point of this, which I hope to arrive at soon because I can’t seem to shut my mouth if my life depended on it, is that I’m not a zombie. I’m not addicted to meth. I’m addicted to you and I don’t want you to go anywhere without me again.”

Silence. Blessed silence. Prolonged silence. Awkward silence. Excruciating silence.

Then:

Vince made a noise almost like a sob. “And you wonder why I—” He stopped himself before he finished that sentence, and I literally almost shat myself thinking of the possible ways it could have ended.

Here’s what my mind came up with:

1) “And you wonder why I think you’re insane? Did you just hear yourself talk? Paul, this is so over, it’s not even funny. Get out of my life. I hate your face.”

2) “And you wonder why I was trying to get up on my brother? Because the idea of incest is more appealing than being with you ever again. I was using my brother to wash the memory of you from my head because I’m that grossed out by you.”

3) “And you wonder why I didn’t tell you about my parents? I’m so embarrassed by you that I couldn’t ever imagine them meeting you. Oh, and by the way, I faked all my orgasms with you.”

4) “And you wonder why I decided to Freddie Prinze Junior you? You just came from an intervention at your house and are standing in the middle of my apartment after you just punched my boyfriend/brother Darren, asking me to get back together with you. What part of that makes you think I would ever get in your mangina again? You were a bet, Paul. You were nothing but a bet.”

5) “And you wonder why I think you’ll be alone forever? No one can handle your crazy, Paul. No one. Especially not me.”

I almost begged him to finish the thought, but I didn’t think I wanted to hear the answer. I’d pretty much embarrassed the crap out of myself (I punched Darren, for fuck’s sake; I punched the Homo Jock King!), and I didn’t know what else there was to say. Opening my mouth seemed to have gotten me in a shitload of trouble, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

Of course, my mouth didn’t listen to my brain. I was pretty sure I needed to be medicated.

“And I wonder why you… what?” I asked Vince.

He watched me for a moment before shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. Not right now.” His face went blank again, and I hated it. I hated the look on his face, and I hated not touching him when he was right in front of me. I hated feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be there to help him, like he didn’t think I could handle the shit he was going through.

“Why didn’t you just tell me about your mom?” I asked him quietly, cringing as I yet again made it about me without meaning to. I began to look for a way to make my exit.

His mouth thinned. “Not now, Paul. Please, just go. I can’t do this right now. I can’t focus on you and the rest of this shit at the same time. I just can’t.”

I nodded, but anger flared dangerously. “I see.” I wasn’t able to keep it from my face.

His eyes softened slightly. “It’s not… it’s not like that. I just… it’s not like that.”

“I don’t know how else it could be like,” I said, my voice hardening. “Obviously you don’t want me here, for whatever reason. You don’t think I can handle your shit. You don’t trust me enough to let me help you. But then, you’ve only known me a week, so I guess I can’t blame you.”

He took a step toward me, raising his hand. But then he stopped and dropped it back down to his side.

“Yeah,” I said. “I think I get it. I’m sorry about your mom, Vince. I hope you’ll be okay. I really do. You know where I am if you need me.”

I turned and walked away.

I could hear Darren’s angry voice as he snapped at Vince, but I didn’t hear what he said. My face was burning and I needed to get out of his apartment. The entire time the awkwardness was taking place, I kept thinking how it was just the day before when he’d been above me, thrusting into me, a look on his face that suggested he’d found the only place that he ever wanted to be. It’s funny, really, how quickly things can change. A week ago, I didn’t even know his fucking name. A week ago, I was plain, boring, ordinary, bland Paul.

I envied that Paul. That Paul didn’t have anything in his heart that would have allowed it to break. That Paul was still blissfully unaware that opening up meant getting punched in the gut.

I thought about slamming the door behind me, but hell, I’m not that melodramatic, even if I’d already sunk down into the cliché that I was so desperate to avoid. You know the one: toward the final act when everything should be peachy and rosy but instead comes crashing down for a stupid reason that sounds really trite but hurts like a fucking bitch anyway.

So I just shut the door quietly, hearing Darren’s voice get louder before it got cut off.

It was hot outside, and I took a deep breath, taking in that heat. I rested my back against the door for a minute, trying to clear my head. Once I was sure I could walk without falling down, I moved toward my car. But I didn’t make it.

“Paul!”

I turned.

Darren was jogging toward me. For a second, I thought he was going to have his revenge for the way I sucker-punched him in the mouth, and I frantically looked around for any kind of weapon I could use to defend myself. But I was standing on the only patch of grass that must have existed in the state of Arizona, and I didn’t think grass stains were an effective defense, so I prepared myself to get my ass beat.

“You may take my life,” I sputtered at him as he approached, “but you’ll never take my freedom!”

He arched an eyebrow as he stopped a couple of feet away. “Did you just quote Braveheart at me?”

“Of course not,” I scoffed, even though I sort of did. “I’m sorry I punched your face.”

He rolled his eyes. “You didn’t even split my lip, Paul. It wasn’t that bad.”

“I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

“Now you’re quoting Michael Jackson? What the hell did you smoke on the way over?”

Aha! Another chance! “Your dad’s pole,” I snarled at him. Then I winced. “That doesn’t work anymore considering your dad is Vince’s dad and the mayor of Tucson and has conservative evil running through his veins. No offense.”

“None taken? I think?”

“But, man, that must have really stuck in his craw to find out he had two gay sons.”

“Stuck in his craw? What are you, a steamboat captain?”

I grinned, forgetting for a moment that Vince was shut up in his apartment and that I was in the presence of the Homo Jock King. “No, but wouldn’t that be awesome? I’d wear a bow tie and have fancy facial hair and everything.”

“Andrew Taylor doesn’t know about me,” Darren said evenly.

My eyes widened. “He doesn’t even know you exist?” I whispered, feeling awful. “That… sucks.” In my head, I had this image of Darren’s mother being a young secretary who used to work for Andrew Taylor’s construction company and thought she was in love with a powerful man, only to get cast aside after a rough tryst in the bathroom of a Denny’s after a business meeting where they talked about different types of concrete. Saddened that she could never have the love of the man she needed, she quit her job, only to find out two months later that she was with child. Instead of blackmailing Andrew Taylor with it, she kept it to herself, wanting to have a connection to the only man that ever made her feel alive. To complete her sad, sad story, she must have died during childbirth just as Darren was born, and the last words on her lips would have been professing her love for Andrew. And then she died.

“You’ve been hanging around Vince too much,” he said with a scowl. “I don’t think you were this dense yesterday. He doesn’t know that I’m gay.”

“And your mom died giving birth to you,” I said knowingly. “It’s almost romantic.”

“What? My mom lives in Phoenix. She’s a nurse. Seriously, I never thought Vince’s brain could be contagious, but you should really go get yourself checked out.”

“Why doesn’t he know you’re gay?”

Darren snorted. “He doesn’t know a damn thing about me. I’ve talked to him a handful of times in the past few years. The last time he said anything to me was to remind me to keep my mouth shut around election time. Something about having a bastard child as the result of an affair not looking good to his constituents.”

“You should have told him you were gay, too,” I said, “just to see the reaction on his face. He should probably know that since homosexuality is hereditary, then he’s the common factor here and his spunk causes gayness.”

“I really don’t want to think about his spunk,” Darren groaned. “Why are you walking away right now?”

I was startled at the abrupt change in conversation. “Vince didn’t want me there. My turn. Why were you pressing him against the wall and making me think you were macking on each other when in actuality you’re brothers?”

He eyed me warily. “Vince was upset. I was trying to calm him down. This is harder on him than you realize.”

“Yeah, obviously I don’t know how hard this is on him because he hasn’t told me a thing.” I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but it didn’t work very well.

Darren sighed again. “Paul… it’s not like… look. I’ve known who Vince was practically my whole life. We didn’t actually meet until a couple of years ago, but that’s still a couple of years I have on you. I know him, or at least I think I do. He hasn’t been able to find the words to tell you that he compartmentalizes everything about his life. Everything is cordoned off into its own section, and while they do converge, it makes him uncomfortable. But none more so when it comes to Lori and Andrew. They’ve given him shit all his life, or at least their indifference, and he doesn’t deal with that well. And then you came along and….”

“And what?”

He shook his head. “How can you not see it? Paul, whether you know it or not, you’ve changed everything about him. The way he sees things. The way he reacts to them. He wants to make you proud, but he doesn’t want you to see his past.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, only because I didn’t think breaking down in front of the Homo Jock King was the best course of action. “Everyone comes with a past,” I told him gruffly. “It helps make you who you are.”

Darren nodded. “And I agree with you. And that’s what I’ve told him. But Vince… he doesn’t see it like that. He sees you with your perfect family and your perfect life and he doesn’t know how he’s going to measure up to it, given where he comes from. He thinks you’re going to just focus on the bad instead of seeing all the good he has. And he has a lot of good, Paul.”

“He thinks my family and I are perfect?” I said, incredulous. “Jesus Christ, he’s spent time around all of us. How can he think we’re perfect? Every single one of us should probably be on Zoloft just to even us out! My grandmother has a homophobic parrot named Johnny Depp. We’re so far from perfect that perfect might as well be on the other side of the fucking moon. There’s a word for people like us. It’s called insanity.”

“Who needs normal when abnormal is the greatest thing in the world?” Darren asked with a shrug.

“That’s some bullshit reverse psychology you’ve got going on there,” I growled at him. “Has that ever really worked for you before?”

“Works on Vince all the time.”

I laughed, even though it felt kind of douchey to do so.

“He’s doing his damnedest, Paul, to keep you away from them, not because he’s ashamed of you, but because he’s ashamed of them. He thought if you knew who they were, you’d judge him based upon their actions and not his own. It might not have been the most levelheaded of thinking, but then Vince doesn’t think like most people. He didn’t want you to see them because he doesn’t like to show when he’s hurting. And he is hurting, regardless of how much they’ve offended him in the past. Vince can’t hate. He could never hate. And losing his mother is still hard on him.”

“I know,” I said, even though I didn’t. I never had to go through what he did. I never had to wonder if my parents cared about me or not. I never had to go through the drawn-out experience of losing one of them. I couldn’t know. I couldn’t have any idea. “Why are you being so nice to me? You haven’t said a damn thing to me in years.”

He rubbed his hands over his face. “Vince is important to me. You’re important to Vince. By proxy, you’re important to me now. If you do anything to hurt him, I’ll kill you. But….”

“But?”

“But what he’s doing to you now makes me want to knock him upside his head. Even if he thinks it’s for your own good, you don’t deserve to be treated this way, Paul. And I’m trying to make him see that.”

I was touched, more than I thought I could be. “You’re pretty weird yourself,” I told him, meaning it as a compliment.

“Thanks. I think. I just want you two crazy kids to make it.” He gave me a small smile.

“Uh-huh. And that’s the only reason?”

He blinked. “What else is there?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I teased. “A certain drag queen? One who happens to be my best friend in all the world? You could be using me to get close enough to spit some game.”

“I don’t spit,” he assured me. Then he blushed. Jesus, what is it about men in that family and blushing? It was pretty fucking hot. Er… from an empirical perspective. “Wow… that’s not what I meant to say.”

I almost choked. “I’m sure Sandy will be happy to hear that.”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re such a horrible liar.”

“Vince was right about you, you know. I can see that now.”

I was curious. “What did he say?”

Darren laughed. “Well, when he finally stopped gushing like a little girl, he said you were, and I quote, ‘Pretty damn awesome.’”

“I am pretty damn awesome,” I told him confidently, feeling a warmth that had nothing to do with the heat of the day.

“Paul?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t give up on Vince, okay? You can’t. You just can’t. You have to promise.”

I took a step back. “I….” I didn’t think I was in a place to promise anything, though I wanted to. Darren could have been full of shit for all I knew, even with the earnest expression on his face that he’d had through almost the whole conversation. “That’s a big thing.”

He eyed me sadly and then opened his mouth and said stupid shit that I really didn’t need to hear. “He loves you, you know. I don’t know what you did, or what went through his mind when he first saw you, but he loves you. Already. He’s never done anything like that in his life. He’s never actually let anyone into his life, aside from me. And that took months before he had any sort of trust with me. You’ve changed him, Paul. And you can’t let him change back.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I said as honest as I could, still reeling from Darren’s blunt words.

“You listened to him, which is more than he could say about most people. You didn’t find him to be ridiculous—”

“Yes, I did. Because he kind of is.” Awesomely so, but still ridiculous.

He glared at me. “Are you always this difficult?”

“Pretty much. It’s kind of my curse. I tend to take the road less traveled just to be a pain in the ass.”

“He’s going to need you.”

“So you and everyone else in the free world has said. He doesn’t seem to know that.”

He shook his head. “It’ll happen. Trust me. About thirty minutes after you left, his mom took a turn for the worse. She’s in a coma now. Her doctor doesn’t think she’s going to wake up. That’s why Vince was a little… distraught. I was holding him up to keep him from punching the wall.”

My jaw dropped. “I was just talking to her a couple of hours ago. How could she…?”

“It’s been expected,” Darren said. “His dad is there now, and Vince had to leave for a bit to clear his head. He’s going to go back.”

“Did she get to talk to him? Did she… say anything to him?”

“I don’t know.”

“I should go with him,” I decided. “I should be there for him.”

“He won’t let you,” Darren said kindly. “He doesn’t want you to—”

“Maybe I don’t give a fuck what he wants,” I interrupted. “Maybe I should just do what I think is right.”

“Don’t push this, Paul,” he warned. “He can’t be worried about what you’re thinking when he’s starting to grieve.”

I was pissed off again. “So what the fuck do you want me to do?”

“For now? Nothing. I’ll have his back until he needs you.”

I couldn’t help the jealousy I felt at that, but I couldn’t ignore the logic, either. Darren knew him better than I did. Darren had cared for him longer than I had. Darren was his family. I was not. It burned, but he was right. “Fine,” I relented. “But you call me if something happens and I’m needed. You promise?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I will. I promise.”

“Does he know you’re out here?”

He looked down at his feet. “I kind of yelled at him for being a dick to you and he went to his room and slammed the door shut. He doesn’t know. We’re supposed to go back to the hospital in a few. I think he just needs time to cool off.”

I thought fast. “Will you do me a favor?”

“Yes.” No hesitation as he looked back up at me.

“Will you tell him something for me?”

“What?”

“Just… can you tell him that I said it’s real? That if I have to, I’ll tell him every day that it’s real. Just… can you tell him that for me?”

“Sure, Paul.”

I nodded.

And then I left.