Chapter 11
I’ve never felt a race to be so pointless before. I’m in my car, the crowd is massive. A decent-sized stadium lining an oval dirt track is lit up brightly. This event brings in money for Mojave. Brings in people and opportunity. Which is good, I guess.
I should be focused on winning. Be in my zone.
I’m not.
The engines are loud and the moonlight is bright. Ungodly bright. There’s not a cloud in the sky and with the hint of dust in the air, I know that this marks the end of summer. For me at least. And for you. Our time is up, and I have nothing to show for it except the last glimpse of your tears.
I love night races. But not tonight. The track is bright, but the air is getting thicker, dustier as the great state of Nevada begins to kick up wind.
All I want is you.
I can feel my breath against my helmet. The thing is heavy and covers my entire face except my eyes. My heartbeat is in my ears. The adrenaline is going, but not like before you. Because I lost you.
I stayed silent and lost you for it. You asked me to say something, and I didn’t. I should have said the truth. Should have told you how I feel. Should have kicked my pride and explained I’d never use or steal from you.
No matter how many times in the past few hours I’ve convinced myself it was the right thing, I’ve never felt such an ache in my gut before.
I’m going to lose tonight, Shay.
I can feel it.
Because I don’t care the way I used to. My focus is for shit. I need you. Need a hit of you. Anything. But I’m a junkie and you can’t believe me. Can I really be surprised? I’m a fucking moron for acting the way I have. You’re right. I am a damn child.
And now you’re gone and I’m in the car. Strapped and ready to go. I’m in my pit area. No crew really needed for this short of a race. This isn’t NASCAR, baby. This is the Wild West dirt track shit that gets you big money one night at a time and the lucky ones make a bigger name and bigger sponsors to do this for a living. I’ll never be in a clean car on a pristine track.
That’s okay.
I know where I belong.
So, why do I feel empty when I should feel the most fulfilled? Racing has been the one high spot in my life since drugs. No pun intended.
Then you came along.
I guess you’ve always been there.
And I fucking choked.
Choked on my insecurity. Choked on my words. Now I’ll be that junkie you never trusted that you thought stole pills and I’ll remember your skin and lips and all the things I never said.
I close my eyes. Rev the engine. Try to let the hum of the car calm me.
It doesn’t.
Tap, tap, tap sounds on my window.
I look to my left.
Your sweet face is staring at me. Mic is next to you. She got you into the pit area because only she and Trade have the VIP access to get on the track or in the pit this close.
My pulse catches in my throat, my heart stops beating. Your eyes are locked on mine and I can’t take a damn breath. My skin pricks with heat, then flushes with cold.
I roll my window down.
“Just shut up and listen,” you yell over the loud engines and stirred up dust. “I love you! I know you didn’t take the pills. I never thought you did. My grandma, she got confused on her doses. I just…I didn’t know what to think when you left and I didn’t see you for two days. I miss you, Coe. I miss what we have. Even when you’re an asshole.”
I smile. Your red hair is whipping around your face and you’re trying to hold it down, crouching so you’re looking straight through my driver window.
You frown.
“I can’t tell what you think because your face is covered with a helmet, but if you stay silent again, I’m going to crawl in there and kick your ass. You hear me?”
I take my helmet off and toss it aside. I reach out to cup your face and kiss you hard.
“I love you too,” I say loudly over the noise.
You smile against my mouth.
“I’m sorry, baby. I want to make things work. I want to be good enough.”
“You need to stop with that. We’ll be great if you just allow us to be who we are.”
The announcer comes over the speakers and I’ve got to get to my spot.
“Okay,” I agree and kick my car into gear. “Let’s be who we are.”
I kiss you one more time, wink, then put on my helmet.
“I’ll be waiting for you after the race. Win or lose, I’m going to be here,” you say.
That heat returns to my chest and an ease settles through my veins. You’re going to wait for me. Win or lose…we can make this work. All of this.
I take off toward the starting line; knowing you love me, knowing you’re here with me, I feel stronger. Like we can tackle anything.
You are the high I’ve been craving. The adrenaline that keeps me going.
God damn it, I love you.
And I’m going to win.
Because I refuse to lose, to go against who either of us is anymore. You’re bright; I’m dirty. We’ll find the middle ground. Because going without isn’t an option for me anymore.
I need you.
And somehow, I’ll make you proud.
I hit the starting line, the announcer comes on.
In 3…2…1…
Race!