The next day, just before lunch, I got an email from Drake while I was at Columbia. I was surprised that he waited so long to send it. He said he'd send it when he got home the night before.

I opened it eagerly and read the contents.

 

From:                                     Morgan, D. L. 

Sent:                                       November 12, 11:31 AM

To:                                          McDermott, Katherine M.

Subject:                                 Your Submission

Attachments:                      The Agreement.doc (120 KB)

 

Kate:

 

I've attached a revised agreement for you to review.  If you have any concerns, note them and we will discuss later tonight. I have a practice session with my band from 8:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m. but will drop by after. Then I'll use you the way I promised.

 

Drake

 

That made my heart rate increase just a bit. I opened the contract PDF and sat at my desk in the teaching assistants' office, reading it on my iPad.

 

The first part seemed what I expected, and similar to what Lara showed me:

 

Katherine Marie McDermott (hereinafter referred to as "slave")

 

Said Submission Agreement, hereafter referred to as "the Agreement", refers to total dominance and control of Master in his sexual relationship with said slave.

 

1.0.0      Slave's Role

 

The slave agrees to submit sexually to the Master in all ways. This applies to all situations in which the Master and slave interact sexually, both in private and if applicable, in public. Failure to obey will result in punishment as the Master sees fit with the exception of the slave's veto right (section 1.0.1). Once entered into the Slavery Agreement, the slave's body belongs to the Master, to be used as He desires, within the guidelines defined herein. When they are together, the slave exists solely to please the Master and will do so to the best of her ability.

 

1.1.0      Slave's Veto

 

The slave may refuse to comply with any command or act that is illegal or would result in permanent bodily or psychological harm to said slave, that would shed blood or involve breaking of any law.

I was really interested in what it said about Drake:

2.0.0 Master's Role

Once He signs the Agreement, the Master takes on full responsibility for the slave's body and is given license to do with her sexually as He sees fit, under the provisions determined in the Agreement. The Master will care for the slave, arrange for her safety and well-being, as long as He owns her. The Master commits to treat the slave properly, to train her, punish her, and use her as He sees fit.

3.0.0 Punishment

The slave agrees to accept punishment the Master chooses to inflict. Failure to comply with Master's demands immediately and properly will result in discipline, until it is performed satisfactorily. Refusal to comply with Master's demands will result in punishment, to include any of the following: bare handed spanking, denial of orgasm, denial of attention.

4.0.0 Others

The slave may not seek any other Master or lover or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way without the Master's permission. If the slave does, it will be considered a breach of the Agreement, and will result in termination of the Agreement. The Master will not give the slave to other Masters.

So, he wanted exclusivity. I was glad to see that clause. I had no interest in being shared with other men. I had a hard enough time being with one man, let alone more than one.

The final section included his limits, which I was most interested in reading to see if we were compatible.

 

5.0.0 Limits

The slave agrees to the following activities, which the Master shall engage in at His discretion:

- All forms of sexual intercourse, oral sex and play, anal sex and play, masturbation, mutual masturbation, vaginal fisting;

- All forms of bondage with the following: Rope, leather, and other suitable restraint materials, and other restraints as the Master sees fit;

- The use of appropriately designed sex toys, including but not limited to vibrators, dildos, anal training toys, vagina beads, etc.

Anal sex? Anal training? Vaginal fisting? How could he include anal sex, knowing that it was one thing I freaked over with Kurt? I told Lara that – I assumed he understood when we talked that it was off limits.

All of a sudden, I didn't feel quite so positive about this agreement.

He did say I could strike things off the list, but he also said it was his role as Dom to push my limits. Would I end up doing the things I didn't want to just to please him? Would I hate doing them, but do them anyway so he'd be happy, and nice to me, keep being my Dom?

I remembered reading The Story of O and thinking how horrible O's existence was. How her submission was nothing more than an excuse for the men to abuse her and get away with it.

Drake was so desirable, so powerfully persuasive, so knowledgeable about how to manipulate women, including me, that I feared I'd do almost anything to please him if I let myself.

I thought back to my experiences with him – all the touches, the eye contact, the sound of his voice, soft at times, harsh at times, low, sexy… How blunt he was about some things, and yet, how he knew when to be soft.

I could still rip up this agreement, send him an email and tell him that I'd changed my mind.

Indecision gripped me. All afternoon in my tiny office at Columbia, I dithered about the agreement.

 

Later, after I arrived home from work, I printed the agreement off and sat at my desk, examining it.

My phone rang. I checked caller ID and it was Dawn.

"Hello," I said, chewing a fingernail, undecided whether to talk to her or not.

"What's up? How did the concert go?"

I sighed and settled back on the couch. How did it go?

"Dawn, what can I tell you? Drake Morgan was there…"

 

Fifteen minutes later, she was at my door.

She sat on the couch and I told her about everything that happened between us – without the mention of Drake's kinks or the idea that we'd enter into any kind of D/s agreement.

"I don’t know, Kate. I said he was trouble… How did he get invited to the concert?"

"He's friends with my dad. Dad invited Drake when they were at the health club they both belong to. He's really quite sweet, Dawn. He's just an alpha male, that's all."

She shook her head. "Out of the frying pan, into the fire is what I see. Just take it slow with him, OK? "

"Look, he really likes my father. He wouldn’t do anything to harm his relationship with him." She shrugged. In the background, my kettle whistled. "I'll make us some tea."

I left her in the living room and went to my kitchen, finding my tea ball and loose tea. While I poured the water over the tea, I remembered the previous night and how Drake had forced me to make the first move, to admit how I felt, to tell him point blank that I wanted him to fuck me. Even now, it sent a thrill through me, remembering the feel of his body on mine when he finally pushed me back on the couch and took over.

I fixed a tray with cups and my cream and sugar bowl from Ireland called Belleek porcelain my mother used to use. It was one of her many possessions I claimed after she died, and when I used it, I felt closer to her.

When I returned to the living room, Dawn was standing at my desk, some papers in her hand. It was then I realized what she was reading – the agreement.

I almost dropped the tray in my rush to get to her and take it out of her hands.

"Give that to me," I said, after I put the tray down and went to her side.

She let go of it with reluctance, her eyes wide. "Holy fuck, Kate. What the hell are you thinking?"

I made a face. "You weren't supposed to read that."

"Slavery? Vaginal fisting? What is he? A neurosurgeon or a failed obstetrician?"

"I've read about it," I said, my face hot. "It's supposed to be about trust and gives a woman a really powerful orgasm."

"Trust? Sounds more like it's about torture. Can you even get Big inside of you? Can you imagine his fist?"

"You don’t understand." I plopped down on my couch, frowning, not really wanting to explain what I’d read. "I can veto anything I don’t like."

"Oh, yeah?" she said, standing in front of me, her hands on her hips, her face red. "How do you know he won’t do it anyway? What would you do if he did?"

"I'd use the safe word. It's Red. I say that and everything stops immediately."

"Yeah, sure…" She shook her head, her face pale. She sat beside me on the couch. "How do you know he'd stop? God, Kate. What's wrong with you? Why would you even consider this? This says slavery. Ownership. This says you'd be his possession, his slave."

"It's not enforceable. It's just psychological to have an agreement."

"Those books were fantasy land, not real life."

"Some people do this for real. He does. He's not a sadist."

"Anyone who wants to shove their fist inside of you is a sadist, Kate. Don't fool yourself. Have you ever had anal sex? It hurts like hell…"

"Maybe whoever did it to you didn’t know how. Drake said—"

"Listen, you can't trust anything he says. He's not disinterested. He obviously wants you to be his submissive – his 'slave'. He'll tell you anything to get you alone, so he can fist you and fuck you in the ass."

"He had me alone, Dawn. He had me entirely naked. He was naked. He stopped after I, you know, finished and was upset. He didn't even get off."

"Probably because he couldn't get off without hurting you or something kinky." She moved closer beside me and took my hand. "Kate, you have to listen to me – this is scary. I know what abuse is. I watched my sister get beat up by her boyfriend when I was a kid."

"This isn't abuse. It's consensual. He's not a sadist."

"You can't do this. You can't choose this, Kate. If you do, there's something wrong with you. Send him an email right now and tell him you don't want to go through with this," she said, pointing to the agreement. "Tell him you came to your senses and have no interest in his kinky lifestyle. Then, come and stay with me. You shouldn't be alone so much. We'll find you a real boyfriend."

"But I like him, Dawn. He's actually sweet when he lets down his front."

"More like when he puts up his harmless front… Kate. Listen to me. This is a big mistake. Didn't jerkface Kurt teach you anything?"

I sat there, my heart pounding, so confused. I wanted Drake. I wanted to have sex with him. Just plain old vanilla sex. But I also wanted to try bondage. I wanted to be like those women in his letters, waiting alone in my apartment for him to come to me, make me feel something so intense. I didn't know what else I wanted, but I knew I wanted those things. I had never just felt such an overwhelming need to fuck a man before. Just fuck him.

What was so wrong about that?

The way Dawn sounded, Drake was a monster and I was off my rocker.

I covered my eyes and bit back tears of anger and frustration.

"See?" she said, wrapping her arms around me. "He's got you so confused you can't think straight. He's dangerous, Kate. I told you that the moment I laid eyes on him in the pub that night."

She was wrong. I wasn't confused. I was certain. Her response made that clear to me. One thing I was also certain of was that Dawn could hurt Drake if she wanted to.

"You can't say anything to anyone about this. He's a friend of my father's. He's got a respectable job. He does charity work. He saves patient's lives."

"Probably because he feels guilty about the things he does. What do you think your father would say if he knew you were with him and if he knew what Drake was? What would Drake's patients think if they knew he tied women up and fisted them vaginally?"

"No one knows what people do in the privacy of their bedrooms. Why should it matter if it doesn't affect their jobs? This is between consenting adults."

"Why would anyone consent to this?" She just shook her head. "You're over the edge, Kate. Not thinking right. Send that email right now. Tell him you changed your mind."

"I'll think about it," I said. "I'm not doing anything right now."

"I'm not leaving until you do."

"Dawn, this is my decision. I have to do what I think is right."

"Do I have to call your father and warn him?"

Then, I regretted telling her anything about Drake. One more mistake on top of the many others.

"Don’t do that. I'm asking you as my best friend. Don't say anything."

"When I was a little girl, I couldn’t do anything about my sister. I won't stand by now and see you abused."

"I'm not being abused," I said, frustrated and afraid. "It's not abuse if it's consensual. If I want it."

"No, you're just sick if you want it." She stood up. "I will tell your father if you don't tell Drake to get lost."

"Dawn, I'm pleading with you – don't do this! At least meet with him and talk to him yourself."

"So he can try to smooth-talk me? No way. I saw everything I needed with that agreement. Send him a text. Email him – I don't care what. I'm doing this as someone who loves you."

I sat with my eyes closed, fighting my emotions. Dawn's expression was intense, her mouth determined.

If I didn't break it off with Drake, she'd call my father. Who knew what my father would do. He could get Drake in a lot of trouble…

I sat at my computer on the desk against the wall and composed the email, tears in my eyes.

 

From:                       McDermott, Katherine M. 

Sent:                         November 12, 5:31 PM

To:                            Morgan, D. L.

Subject:                   Re: Your Submission

 

 

Drake, I read your agreement, but I'm afraid I just can't go through with this. I made a mistake and I'm going to just put this behind me. I'm sorry but this isn't going to work between us after all.

 

Please don't come over or contact me again.

 

Goodbye.

 

Kate

 

I stared at the send button. Dawn leaned closer and read over my shoulder.

"Send it now," she said.

I craned my neck and glared at her, angry that she was forcing me, but what could I do? If I didn't send it, she'd get Drake in trouble with my father. Drake said himself he wouldn’t want my father to know.

"I'll send it," I said, struggling not to cry, "but then I want you to go."

"What? Why?"

"You're blackmailing me, forcing me to do this. It's none of your business or my father's business what I do or what Drake does. So you can leave, and don't bother to call me either."

"Kate, he's got you all confused. I'm your friend," she said, jamming her thumb into her chest. "I'm looking out for your best interest. He's only out to get his rocks off."

"You can leave now."

"I'm not leaving until I see you hit send."

I hesitated, wiping my eyes.

"Do it."

I sent the email. "There, I did it. Now, go!" I said, shouting at her.

She stepped back from me, frowning. "You're crazy. He's got you hypnotized or something, like a cult. If I hear you've been with him, I'll call your father."

"Just leave."

She did, collecting her coat and bag, then going to the door. She took a look back at me from the open door and shook her head before pulling the door closed behind her.

 

I stared at the computer screen, at my inbox, wondering whether he'd reply and if he did, what he'd write. It was just before dinner and he'd probably be in the O.R. until seven and then he had his jam session. He might get the email in between, which could mean any time between then and eight.

I sat with my head in my hands, waiting. I couldn't drink my tea, for my hands shook and my stomach felt sick. After about half an hour without any reply, I got up and went to the kitchen, washing dishes to keep myself occupied. I got out a bucket and filled it with hot soapy water and scrubbed the floors in the kitchen on my knees with a scrub brush. Then I cleaned the oven and took some Windex and paper towels and cleaned the windows.

I checked my email to find one from Drake, which arrived just a moment earlier.

 

 

From:                        Morgan, D. L. 

Sent:                          November 12, 6:46 PM

To:                             McDermott, Katherine M.

Subject:                     RE: Your Submission

 

I'll be right over.

 

I chewed a nail and debated what to say in response. Finally, I replied.

 

To:                             Morgan, D. L.

Sent:                          November 12, 6:48 PM

From:                        McDermott, Katherine M. 

Subject:                     Re: Your Submission

 

No, please don't. I don’t want to see you ever again.

 

There was no response. I wrung my hands. He called my cell, again and again.

Finally, I had to block his calls, my hands shaking. I deleted his voice messages without listening. But I saw his texts.

 

Kate, what happened between last night and lunch?

Tell me.

 Let me talk to you. Please…

I want you.

 

Oh, God…

I debated whether to reply. If I did, it would only encourage him, but I felt bad just cutting him off like that.

 

This is just the way it has to be for your own good. Please stop calling and texting me. It won’t do any good.

 

He responded immediately.

 

For my own good? What does that mean?

 

Kate, don't do this…

 

 I put my phone away.

 

I sat in my quiet apartment, my phone shut off completely and sitting on the coffee table. At any moment, he could knock on my door, so I decided to leave. I picked up the cell and ignored the message notification indicating I had five messages waiting to be read.

Five?

He was persistent. I ached to read them, but I knew if I did, I'd crumble. Instead, I called my father.

On the third ring, he answered, his voice sounding distracted, but still pleased.

"Hey, sweetheart, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"You're at home?"

"Yes, I'm on leave so I can plan for the election. What's up? Is everything OK?"

I chewed my nail, wondering what to say. "Can I come and stay there for a few days?"

There was a silence on the line as if he was processing what I said. When he spoke, he sounded more engaged, his voice low and soft.

"Of course, Katie. What's the matter?"

He called me Katie. He only called me that when I was a child and then when I was sick after Africa. I knew then he was worried, wondering if I was having a relapse. "I just need to get away for a while."

"Do you want me to send a car?"

I sighed. "No," I said, glancing around my apartment. "I'll find my way over. I could use some air so maybe I'll walk."

"It's a long hike and it's dark."

"I need to think."

"Your bedroom is always waiting for you. We'll hold dinner until you get here."

"Go ahead and eat, Daddy. I've had something."

"See you in a bit."