September

Ellie

It was official. I could no longer fit into my jeans. Actually any pants. I had gotten by all summer in loose skirts and sundresses, but now the temperature was starting to drop and some days called for jeans. I got around it for a while using a rubber band through the button hole trick I saw on Facebook. But now it was official. Even my I’m-having-my-period fat jeans didn’t fit.

I pulled them off and tossed them into the pile with all my other jeans. I found a pair of leggings that while snug around my belly still had enough stretch in them. I tossed a loose shirt over them, put my cowboy boots on, and went to stand in front of the full-length mirror we had added to the bedroom.

I looked… fat.

Which was upsetting, but it was a little better than the p word.

I was officially at fourteen weeks. I think Jake felt I might be over the whole fear thing now, but I wasn’t. In fact now it was even scarier, because this thing that was popping out of my belly was real. There was no denying it now. Last time I had never made it to the pants-not-fitting stage.

Needing to get out of my head, I headed for the barn. I still hadn’t gotten on top of Petunia. Hadn’t tried since my last attempt, but that didn’t mean I didn’t visit her regularly.

I walked out back and across the open yard toward the barn and stopped. I took a deep breath and smelled all the things one usually does on a cattle ranch. Hay and horse and horseshit.

However, for the first time in almost three months the smell didn’t make me nauseous. In fact it was strange, but thinking about it I felt good. Really good. I had been sleeping most days until eight in the morning. Taking cat naps around four in the afternoon, and if I was counting, it had been a full three days since I’d puked.

I considered thanking the k word, but then I would have to admit there was a k word and then I would get all jittery again.

I don’t know why I couldn’t get past this crazy worry in my head. I could tell it was starting to bother Jake. Not in a bad way, but he wanted to be excited about the k word and I still wasn’t ready to let that happen.

What if he got excited and something went wrong? What would that do to him now, when he thought I was in the clear, past the twelve-week mark? It would be even more devastating for him.

Me too, I suppose.

I made my way into the barn, tossing the apple I had brought for Petunia between my hands, trying not to think about anything at all. She must have smelled me, because she lifted her head and gave me a few excited head bobs.

“Hey, my precious Petunia,” I crooned to her. I held up the apple and she started to take bites from my hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to ride you. You must be missing that. I know I am. Seems like I’m disappointing everyone.”

Because not only had I not been riding my horse, I definitely had not been riding my husband. All that time being so sick I just had no energy for sex, forget the weird paranoia thing.

There had been that one time in the shower when I had given him a hand job… actually it was more like he used my hand to give himself a hand job, which had been kind of hot. I’d had about ten seconds of arousal watching his face when he came, but then my stomach acted up and, yep, you guessed it… more vomit.

Double sexy times.

Still, I didn’t think it was the lack of sex that was starting to upset him. “I think it’s the lack of me, Petunia. I’ve been… a little out of it. I can’t seem to get out of my head and I’m not letting Jake inside either.”

There was a loud noise at the barn door and I could see Cody dropping off some shovels. I think he dropped them on purpose so I would know he was there and stop talking to my horse like a crazy person.

Except I didn’t think talking to my horse was crazy.

“Yes,” I said in a hoity voice. “You caught me talking to Petunia.”

He tilted the front of his baseball cap with his two fingers in greeting. “Nothing wrong with that, ma’am. Had a horse of my own I used to talk to.”

Of course he had a horse. One he would have ridden on the circuit. “You talked to your horse?”

He stepped up next to me and started to rub Petunia between the ears, her favorite spot. “All the time. If you asked me, she talked back.”

“What was her name?”

“Snickers. She was a paint. All patches of white, dark brown and light brown. I would take her out riding and talk to her for hours. She was a good listener.”

“Snickers,” I said smiling at the name. “What happened to her?”

His face got tight. “A bad fall. Broken leg. She had to be put down.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s the way of things,” he said, probably too wisely for someone his age. “She was getting on in years. She wouldn’t have liked being an old horse I don’t think. Loved riding fast too much.”

“Nope. Not for Petunia. You’re never getting old, are you baby girl?”

Petunia bobbed her head in agreement.

“Still,” I said. “Must have been hard for you to lose such a close friend.”

He nodded. “It was. But I prefer to think about the time I had with her, rather than the day I lost her. Because that’s what really mattered. You know?”

I nodded. Profound advice from a cowboy. Don’t dwell on what I lost, focus on what I have. It’s as if he knew my situation, but of course he didn’t. Jake had promised me he hadn’t said anything to Rich or Cody, although Jake suspected they had guessed it. Still, I doubt Rich would have shared with Cody what had happened last time.

Come to think of it, I couldn’t remember the last time I had even seen Rich.

“Where is your dad by the way?”

“Out riding,” Cody answered. “Probably checking fence.”

I nodded, but it was strange. I felt like that was always the answer any time I asked about Rich. He had sort of become this ghost worker.

“Cody, can I ask you a question?”

“You can,” he said cautiously.

I could hear the other part of that statement he didn’t say. I could ask him any question I wanted, but that didn’t mean he was obliged to answer. Still, it had been on my mind lately along with a lot of other stuff.

“Why did you come here? To Long Valley.”

He seemed to consider it, and I wondered if I hadn’t crossed a line by butting in to his personal business.

“I came because Rich called and asked me to come. Not to mention I was out of a job.”

“It was that simple? To leave your life behind and drop everything to come here?”

“Simple? No. But in the end family is family. Right?”

Right. Family is family. Something Jake and I didn’t have a lot of.

Something that had been poking at me the moment I knew I was pregnant.

“And you two are doing okay?” I asked him.

“We’re doing as well as Rich and I can,” he said with a soft huff.

I thought the fact that he never referred to Rich as his father was a sign their relationship wasn’t the best. Still, his father had called him and so Cody came.

Because family is family. Blood is blood.

“Sorry about the extra work I dumped on you,” I admitted. “I’m sure Jake told you I’ve been… under the weather for a while.”

“He did. We’ve got no problem with the work. Can’t say as I’ve taken to those goats very well. That ram is a mean one.”

I smiled. Apparently I was the only goat whisperer on the ranch. “I’ve been feeling better.” At least that was the truth. “I think I might take back goat milking duties.”

“I would not miss that particular chore.” Cody smiled.

Since Cody wasn’t much of a smiler, I was happy to lighten up his day.

“Hey Ellie. Hey Cody.” Jake came in the barn, leading Wyatt. He’d already pulled the saddle off and he was going to want to rub him down.

“Hey, babe,” I said.

“Shoveled out the goat pen as much as I could,” Cody reported to Jake. “That ram only lets me in his space for so long.”

Jake huffed out a laugh. “Don’t I know it.”

“Gary is misunderstood,” I told them. “You just need to talk to him a bit. Let him know he’s wanted.”

Jake came over and planted a kiss on my lips. He wasn’t much for PDA, but he’d been long gone when I woke up this morning so this was the first time he was seeing me today. The first time Jake saw me each and every day he greeted me with a kiss. That had stopped because he never knew how my stomach was doing. I was happy to be back to our normal routine.

“Babe, I hate to break it to you, but that goat is not wanted. Now that he’s knocked up all his does, I’m thinking we should sell him for meat and end this goat milk business once and for all.”

“Jake Talley, Gary is not meat!”

“Yet,” he muttered.

“I heard that,” I grumbled.

“I’ll let you two duke it out,” Cody said by way of goodbye.

Jake went about putting Wyatt in his stall and rubbing him down while I continued to chatter with Petunia. In many ways being married was a strange thing. I remembered thinking at the beginning how great it was. Like the happy ending was here and nothing would ever be awkward or weird between Jake and me for the rest of our lives.

But that’s how these last few weeks had felt. Like we were stepping around each other without really talking to each other.

Which sucked. I didn’t like there to be any distance between us, but in some ways I also didn’t see what there was to talk about. I was afraid for obvious reasons, which he knew. He thought I needed to come to terms with it better, which I knew.

See? Any more conversation seemed pointless.

I needed to deal with things in my own way and he needed to deal with me.

There was that other topic I wanted to bring up. The one that probably wasn’t going to be any fun, but I thought it was important. Maybe he would see it as a good sign I was at least thinking about the future.

Done with Wyatt, Jake made his way over to me and gave Petunia a nose rub.

“How you feeling today?”

“Pretty good, but I don’t want to jinx it.”

“You and the jinxing,” he muttered. “How about this? In celebration of a few puke-free days, why don’t we head into town this Friday and get dinner at the diner. You haven’t been off this ranch in weeks. You must be going stir crazy.”

I was, but the reason I hadn’t been anxious to head in to town was because of the b-word bump that was now pretty obvious. So other than grocery store trips dressed in my baggiest clothes and my monthly checkup, I had stayed put here.

“Okay. I… uh… well I’m going need to get some clothes too. Like today, because I can’t really fit into anything but these leggings anymore. We might have to go to Jefferson.”

His eyes lit up and he smiled in that way he does when he’s really pleased with something. Me needing bigger clothes was enough to make Jake happy. He was such a sentimental sap.

Then he put on his serious face because was trying to be considerate of my scary feelings.

“Okay. I’ll tell Cody we’re taking off and we’ll go to Jefferson. To shop.”

I nodded. I thought again about the conversation I wanted to have with him, but it could wait. I knew having it was going to make him angry, and there was no point in ruining his good mood when I had just made him happy.

It could wait. Although not for long. I put my hand over the bump of my stomach and thought maybe, just maybe this was all really happening. Which meant we needed a plan.