The Voicemail of Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, in the Days Following a Certain Incident in City of Lost Souls
Today 2:00 a.m.
“Hi, Magnus. It’s Alec. Alexander. Well, you know that. I’m just calling because I think we need to talk. I guess you’re busy. Call me back, okay?”
Beep
Today 2:10 a.m.
“Hi, Magnus. This is Isabelle Lightwood. There seems to have been a small misunderstanding. My brother came home under an impression I’m sure is totally mistaken. Call me or else, and let’s get this cleared up! I don’t know why I said ‘or else.’ We’re all friends here.”
Beep
Today 2:35 a.m.
“Isabelle speaking. Maybe there hasn’t been a misunderstanding. Maybe you just made a terrible error. That’s okay! People make mistakes. All they have to do is grovel and beg for forgiveness, and then all is well. That’s how it can be. I’m prepared to let it go this once, Magnus.”
Beep
Today 3:00 a.m.
“Isabelle. Let me just follow up by describing what a big mistake you would be making if you broke up with Alec. The Lightwoods are a seriously hot people. Some people say the Herondales used to be hot, but think about it—not only do we outnumber them, but we took their last hottie and we made him ours. Obviously, we won the victory.
“I have looked back on portraits of our ancestors. Gabriel Lightwood was notably smoking. It is rumored that one Consul agreed with everything my great-great aunt Felicia Lightwood ever said, because when she spoke all he heard was ‘Foxy foxy foxy.’ If you break up with Alec, you will not only be losing one stone cold fox, but a family of foxes. I will pass down the word to my children’s children. No Lightwood is ever going to so much as wink at you in a bar. Think about that. Think about being Lightwoodless and lonely five hundred years from now, in a sad and chilly nightclub on the moon.”
Beep
Today 11 a.m.
“Hi, it’s Alec. I guess you’re still busy. That’s okay. I know you have a lot of things to do. Just—call me back when you’re free? Whenever you’re free, it doesn’t matter what time. I’ll be awake. I really want to talk to you.”
Beep
Today 2:30 p.m.
“Hello, Mr. Bane, this is Hadrian Industries. We’re calling to engage your services for a simple ritual, in the same vein as the one you performed for us last February. We would like you to bring a crate of horned toads with you. We shall of course amply compensate you for the toads.”
Beep
Today 5:14 p.m.
“Mrrrrrowl. Mrrrrrowl.”
“Ow! Ow, stupid cat! Ahem. You told me, ‘stop calling, Isabelle,’ but I’m not the one calling you. Church is calling you. Mine are merely the fingers that work the phone.
“See, here’s something you may not have known before you committed your recent rash acts. Our cat, Church, and your cat, Chairman Meow? They’re in love. I’ve never seen such love before. I never knew such love could exist in the heart of a . . . cat. Some people say that love between two dude cats is wrong, but I think it’s beautiful. Love makes Church happier than I’ve ever seen him. Nothing makes him happy like Chairman Meow. Not tuna. Not shredding centuries-old tapestries. Nothing. Please don’t keep these cats apart. Please don’t take the joy of love away from Church.
“Look, this is really just a warning for your own good. If you keep Church and Chairman Meow apart, Church will start to get angry.
“You wouldn’t like Church when he’s angry.”
Beep
Today 6:00 p.m.
“Hi, Magnus. This is Clary. Nobody told me to make this phone call.
“Isabelle did ask me to call you, but I said no, and she doesn’t know I’m making this one.
“Honestly, when I first met Alec, I thought he was really horrible. Admittedly, I was a little off my game, what with finding out about magic worlds and Mom being kidnapped. That was a bad time, but Alec still was really not my favorite person.
“He was a jerk, but he wasn’t a jerk because he’s a bad guy. He was a jerk because he was unhappy, and he felt like he had to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. I guess he learned that he had to hide things all the time, when he was growing up—that he had to keep secrets or lose people. He’s a lot better when he’s with you. He’s better because he’s happier.
“I don’t really know how relationships work. Jace is the only boyfriend I’ve ever had, and I’m told our relationship has not gone along traditional lines. But I guess that’s what a relationship seems like to me: that no matter what else is going on, you’re happiest when you’re together.
“I’m not just calling because I’m worried about Alec. You seemed really happy with him, too.
“I was wondering how you are. I hope you’re doing okay.”
Beep
Today 8:26 p.m.
“Hi, Magnus. This is Alec. Alexander. I guess you don’t want to talk to me. I can understand that. But I really think if we were together . . . if I could just explain . . .
“I’m so bad with words. I’m sorry. But you always seemed to know what I meant. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose you. I want to talk to you so badly, but if I can’t, I guess I’m calling to say . . .
“I’m really sorry. I just called to say that.”
Beep
Today 9:39 p.m.
“Hi, Magnus. It’s Simon. You know me. Well, you called me Soames last time we spoke, but we’ve hung out. I’m calling to, uh . . . to—sorry if this is out of line—suggest that you maybe take Alec back.
“I think it would be good for morale. Honestly, Alec was really horrible to Clary when they first met, and if he turns all cranky again, I don’t know what Clary’s going to do. In those days, Clary had way fewer weapons and way fewer brothers.
“This time it’s different. Her boyfriend is on fire. She’s got enough problems. I guess what I’m saying is that we’d all appreciate it if you took one for the team.
“Not that I’m part of a Shadowhunter team.
“Shadowhunters don’t let vampires join the team.
“This message probably seems selfish, and also crazy. I honestly do feel bad for Alec. He’s a good guy. Much less annoying than Jace. I’ve always felt like, given the opportunity, we could be friends. Maybe bros. Maybe we could be bros who shoot arrows together.
“It may at this point be obvious that Isabelle forced me to make this phone call. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say.
“Here’s the thing. Alec looks really bad.
“Ow, Isabelle! I mean, he’s looking fine, he’s a very handsome guy. Much better-looking than Jace, if you ask me. But he’s obviously really down. Anyone can see it.
“I don’t really notice how guys look most of the time, but even I can see it. He has black rings under his eyes, and his sweaters seem to be coming apart with despair. His mom is worried because he’s not eating, and I heard Jace hinting about hairbrushes yesterday. Of course, for a badass warrior, Jace is kind of prissy.
“I don’t know what happened between you guys, but I know when someone is sorry. I can tell you, whatever he did, Alec is sorry.
“If you could give him a break, that would be great. Okay. I guess that’s it.
“Please don’t ever tell Jace I said he was a badass.”
Beep
Today 11:48 p.m.
“No, you listen, with your not-calling-back face! You’re making a big mistake! I was the best thing that ever happened to you!
“Uh. Okay, statistically, that’s not very likely.
“A lot of stuff has happened to you. A lot of people have happened to you.
“I think that was what made me do what I did. I just wanted to know that I wasn’t, you know, low down on a long list. I didn’t want to be a pretty mediocre footnote in the story of your life.
“Oh, God.
“Jace. Jace, wake up. Jace, how do you delete messages on someone else’s phone?”
Beep
Today 8:11 a.m.
“Mr. Bane, I am authorized to contact you on behalf of my client. It is my opinion, and I consider it will be the opinion of the judge, that your actions vis-à-vis terminating your relationship with one Alexander Gideon Lightwood, Esquire, were unlawful. I have in my office witnesses and documentation to prove that you were in fact common law married, and Mr. Lightwood could claim half of your freehold in Brooklyn.
“All right, fine, it’s Isabelle again.
“All right, my lawyer is Church. But I truly believe that we have a case. And Church has never lost a lawsuit.
“Answer the phone, Magnus!”
Beep
Today 10:31 a.m.
“Mr. Bane, I am calling to leave a message on an urgent business matter. One of our representatives called about the matter of the horned toads delivery. He described your manner of answering the telephone as ‘curt’ and ‘extremely harsh,’ and your tone as ‘wild, not to say maddened.’ Is there a problem with the toads? We are very concerned.”
Beep
Today 7:52 p.m.
“Listen up, buddy: nobody breaks up with a Lightwood. Nobody! Meliorn thought that he could tell his faerie buddies over cups of mead that he’d broken up with me, and all I’m saying is that Meliorn hasn’t seen his faerie steed in a while.
“Once a guy visited the Institute and thought he could leave a ‘Dear Jane’ letter for me as he walked out the door. Jace found the letter. Ten minutes later that guy had a broken wrist and a concussion. And then I let Jace at him.
“This is Isabelle, by the way.”
Beep
Today 8:01 p.m.
“Hello, Bane. I mean, ah, Magnus. Greetings, Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, from Maryse Lightwood of the New York Institute. Um . . . head of the New York Institute. I’m totally the head, and I am calling on Shadowhunter business. Because I am in charge of all Shadowhunter business. The matter on which I am calling is a complex one. Too complex to be discussed over the phone. I think, upon consideration, that it would be best if you visited the Institute so we could discuss this in person.
“Please do not misunderstand me. This is a professional phone call about a purely business matter. I am simply intent on important Shadowhunter business.
“You would naturally be welcome to stay for tea and social conversation with whatever members of the Institute might happen to be present at the time of your visit. After we conclude our business, of course.”
Beep
Today 10:29 p.m.
“Greetings to High Warlock Magnus Bane from the New York werewolf clan. This is Maia Roberts. Um, Luke would have called, but he’s, uh, in the bathroom.
“What? Shut up! He’s been in the bathroom for a really long time, okay? We think it might be food poisoning. He’s been in the bathroom for so long that we believe that he is no longer our leader.
“Anyway, the werewolves would like to visit with you. You know, just one of those friendly werewolf on warlock visits. And whoever else happens to show up at the meeting.
“I just want to state for the record that this is stupid and he’s never going to buy it!”
Beep
Today 1:06 a.m.
“I’m outside your door, Magnus! I’m going to break it down!”
(pause)
“I would have already broken it down if you hadn’t put up stupid warlock spells like a stupid warlock cheater! Answer the door right now or I’ll kill you! I know you’re in there. I know you broke my brother’s heart. I’m not going to stand for it.
“Answer the door right now so I can kill you!”
Beep
Today 2:33 a.m.
“Greetings, Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, from Raphael Santiago of the New York vampire clan, loyal servant of our glorious Queen Maureen, forever may she reign in dark glory, and the future Prince Consort Simon, babelicious rock god.
“We have to begin all our telephone calls in this manner now. Including our nightly call to a place called Hot Topic.
“It would be needless to state, after this introduction, that I consider myself a damned soul.
“I am contacting you because our queen wished to send a summons to ‘the shiny man who is Simon’s friend.’ That is a quote. She adds that she supports you and she is a fan of much ‘yaoi manga.’ I have no idea what that means, and I never wish to know.
“While I am on the telephone, Lily happened to overhear some not terribly interesting conversation at Taki’s between several melodramatic teenagers of your acquaintance. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the ill-advised relationship between yourself and an excessively young male Shadowhunter has been abruptly and unpleasantly concluded.
“I wanted to inform you that your esteemed colleague Ragnor Fell now owes me ten dollars due to a small bet that we made amongst ourselves on the subject of how that absurd liaison would end.
“Of course, Ragnor will never pay me my ten dollars, because he was murdered by the Nephilim, due to a conflict between Nephilim that Downworlders were for some reason embroiled in. Just like the conflict we are currently having, so I suppose you could say that Ragnor died for nothing.
“Shadowhunters. Could their new motto be something like ‘Not Worth the Bother’?”
Beep
Today 11:23 a.m.
“Hi, Magnus. This is Isabelle. I’m calling to apologize for attempting to break down your door, for the phone calls and visits that I’ve been told might have counted as harassment, and for describing you to all your neighbors as a filthy Downworlder love weasel. Though I realize some of the things I said might have seemed threatening, of course as a Shadowhunter I would never inflict physical harm on anyone not engaged in evil or at least being totally annoying.
“I feel I was being pretty reasonable the entire time, and playing it pretty cool, but I’m told that from an outside perspective it looks like I might have slightly lost my head.
“I admit I do get a bit protective of my big brother. He always protects me.
“The truth is, I don’t have to threaten you with anything worse than you’ve already done to yourself.
“Alec is brave, and he’s good, and he’s loyal, and like all Lightwoods he has cheekbones you could use to slice salami. You’re never going to find anyone as great as my brother or anyone who loves you as much.
“He’s one of the best things in my life, and I’m prepared to bet he’s one of the best things in yours. You’re going to be so sorry when you wake up and realize what you threw away.
“In exchange for my promise to be cool in future, I’d appreciate it if you deleted this sappy message. I have a reputation in this town to keep up.”
Beep
Today 4:02 p.m.
“Hi, Magnus. This is Alec. I’m just calling to say that I might have asked a couple of people who you were actually talking to if they could possibly put in a good word for me with you. And it, uh, has now been brought to my attention that a couple of people might have taken things slightly too far.
“So I guess this is me calling to tell you that I’m really sorry. Again.
“I won’t call again. I won’t text. I’m sorry about all the texts. Especially about the one I sent at three fifteen in the morning on Wednesday. You know the one. Yeah. I’m very sorry about that.
“You can call me or text me, though, if you ever want to.
“I don’t expect you will. But I really hope you do. I won’t give up hoping.”
Beep
Today 5:06 p.m.
“Mr. Bane, this is Hadrian Industries calling to inform you that you are extremely late for the appointment we made. We have been waiting for over an hour. There is no sign of you. There is no sign of the toads. We want to—”
(message cut off)
These records were obtained, with some difficulty, from a cell phone which appeared to have been broken and burned with intense magical fire.