Alissa

 

 

The next morning when I woke up in Spencer’s arms, I felt at peace. I felt like everything was right in the world once again. But I also realized that we didn’t talk about anything the night before. We had just had sex. Even though it was amazing and I really enjoyed it, we still hadn’t talked about our feelings for one another. I still wasn’t even a hundred percent sure how I felt about things.

“I gotta get going,” he said. “I have to head to the clubhouse and make sure I have everything I need for my meeting. I also have to make sure everyone else is ready to go.”

I nodded my head. “Please be safe,” I said to him. I wasn’t sure what else to say. I didn’t want him to go. I wanted him to stay with me. I was nervous about what could happen to him and the other guys.

“I will be,” he said, but he said it so nonchalantly, like he didn’t have a care in the world. Like he wasn’t about to go face danger.

“I’m serious,” I said. “After all the violence we’ve just seen last week, I know these guys are dangerous. You need to be careful. In fact, I don’t even want you to go.”

“It doesn’t work that way,” he said. “I have to go if you want the violence to stop. This has to be done.”

“Why don’t you just call the police?” I asked him. It seemed like a simple enough solution to me. It was what I would have done if I were in his position.

“It doesn’t work that way,” he said. “I’m not a rat. We handle things on our own. I’m a big boy.”

I couldn’t believe what he was saying. “Seriously?” I asked. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Yeah, well, this conversation is dumb. And I have to go.”

He walked out my front door.

He was so frustrating! I picked up the pillow that was next to me and threw it at the door. I was so angry. That was when I remembered that the night before I had told him that I was going to head to the shop and help out while everybody was gone. I groaned, but went and got ready anyway. I walked down the street to the shop and went inside. When I got there, I saw Isobel, Adrian, and Louis.

The boys greeted me and asked where their dad was. I told them that he had to go run some errands. I wasn’t sure how much he ever told them. I didn’t want to be the one telling them things if he never did.

“How are you doing?” Isobel asked.

“I’m good, sort of,” I said. “Except, I think that I’m in love with him.” It felt so real to say aloud. I hadn’t even really admitted it to myself yet, let alone anyone else.

“I know,” she said. “And I think he knows, too.”

“We got into a fight, right before he left,” I said to her. 

“About what?” Isobel asked just as a customer walked in, wanting some part for his bike. I still wasn’t sure what all the parts and pieces were that went into a motorcycle, so Isobel helped him.

I started stocking some of the shelves with items that were low while I waited for her to finish up with the customer. As soon as the customer left, I walked back over to her. I was eager to talk to her about everything that was going on.

“Well, it was kind of my fault,” I said to her. “I wanted him to stay and not go.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I am so worried,” I said. “I don’t know what’s going to happen to him. I wanted him to stay so that nothing bad could happen. I even told him to just call the police.”

She laughed at me. “Girl, you will never stop worrying. Even if there isn’t any violence going on, you always get worried when they go on runs. Anything could happen to the guys on just normal runs, too. But they’ll never call the police. You have to let him handle the shit on his own. Because if you don’t, it’s only going to create a lot of resentment. You don’t want that. I know he doesn’t want that.”

“It’s so hard to get used to, isn’t it?” I asked her.

“Yeah, it is,” she said. “But you have to know that you’re never going to stop worrying. It doesn’t get easier. But you also need to know that he’s always going to protect you and be there for you. He’s never gonna let anything bad happen to you.”

“Isobel, we’re hungry,” Adrian said.

Another customer walked in. Isobel looked at me. “There are some snacks back in Spencer’s office. I’ll get the customer if you just get them a snack.”

“Okay, I can do that,” I said to her.

I led the boys back into their dad’s office, where I found a bunch of snacks sitting right on the desk. There were even juice boxes. I grabbed two of the juice boxes and two granola bars.

“Thank you, Alissa,” Adrian said.

“Thank you,” Louis sing-songed after his brother.

“You’re welcome,” I said to both of them.

We sat in Spencer’s office so the boys could finish their snacks. I didn’t want to dirty up the store, and I didn’t know what customers might think about two children running around and eating snacks.

“You know when Daddy is going to be back?” Adrian asked.

“He’ll be back soon,” I said. “Like I said, they are just running some errands.”

“Are you going to be our new Mommy?” Louis asked.

I laughed nervously at what he said. “I don’t know about that,” I said to him.

My heart broke for them all over again. They had no mom. I still couldn’t wrap my head around that thought. Just as I’d quickly grown attached to Spencer and Isobel, I was also growing attached to both Adrian and Louis. It was like I’d found my missing family. I’d never felt like I belonged someplace more than I did there.

I was madly in love with Spencer, and I had to admit it to myself, at least. But realizing that made me even more nervous. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. I found that I wanted to protect him and make sure that he was okay. That was why I got so frustrated with him in the first place. I needed him to see that. I didn’t want to think I’d been trying to be controlling. It was just that I didn’t know how to handle the anxiety that I had been feeling.

When the boys finished their snacks, I led them back out to the shop, which was pretty empty again.

“Should I be expecting not to hear from him?” I asked Isobel.

“No. You probably won’t hear from him until he shows back up here. They aren’t really ones to hang around and call people.”

“I guess I’ll just try to keep myself busy until he gets back,” I said, though this was more to myself than it was to her. And I think she knew that because she didn’t really bother me the rest of the day. I just continued to focus on both the boys and helping her out as much as I could. I was trying to stay busy.

“We love spending the day with you,” Adrian said. “Can we do this more?”

“Sure,” I said. “But I have a question. Why do you always speak for your brother?”

“He gets nervous around people, especially when he has to ask questions,” Adrian said.

I got down to their level and wrapped my arms around both boys. I really did hurt for them. And I hoped that I could be a little glimmer of positivity in their life. I was sure Adrian remembered his mom some, but I didn’t think there was any way Louis could. He had to have been only a year or two old when his mom left. That made my heart break even more.

The rest of the day seemed to fly by, and pretty soon, it started to get dark out. Isobel reassured me that sometimes they’d be gone for a couple of days before anyone heard from them. It didn’t make me feel any better, but it did help me to stop thinking that they were hurt.