Kate waved to me from across the workplace cafeteria, and I took my tray and joined her. I could not have been happier to see her face after the morning straight from the Twilight Zone I’d had.

Ever since I’d stepped onto the polished marble floor of Devlin Media Corp., I’d been followed by whispers. Conversations stopped dead the moment I walked into a room, though in a few cases not quickly enough to keep me from catching a few choice tidbits:

She’s obviously just after his money—

--people with lots more experience, is all I’m saying--

With a face like that, it can’t be anything but—

--no way in hell Mr. Devlin would ever settle--

Do you think she actually know what she’s—

--do you think she remembers that time I called her a bitch?

Plus, everyone I worked with was either sucking up to me or treating me like I’d gotten the bubonic plague. But that was in the past. Well, twenty minutes into the past, but still! There was pizza on my tray, there was relief in my heart, and there was Kate sitting opposite me as I set down my lunch, beaming her smile at me just like nothing had changed at all.

“Girl, you look twitchier than a ferret on feed pellets laced with cocaine and espresso,” Kate said the second I sat down. “Show some confidence! Here, have you tried this fig and goat cheese combo? It is delish.”

“I’m not sure about the connection between pizza and confidence,” I said, and took a bite. “And why do I have to be confident right now anyway? It’s lunch. I need a break from being confident at people.”

“Can you at least project an air of confidence?” Kate asked, gesturing with her own slice of pizza to emphasize her point. “Fake it till you make it, girl. You might be on break, but the super-spy surveillance team that is the gossip-mongering harpies of the marketing department never goes on break. And it’s not just them. Literally everyone is watching you. With Grant out on that community service you gave him, you’re the boss by default.”

“Oh God, don’t say things like that. I hate all this attention.” I buried my head in my hands, shutting out all visual confirmation of reality. Oooh, this was nice. Maybe I could stay like this forever. I should invest in some serious real estate in the state of denial; it was fan-fucking-tastic there.

“Get used to it,” Kate said bluntly, and swigged her orange juice with a loud smack of her lips.

“Some friends would be sympathetic to my woes,” I said through my fingers.

“Some friends wouldn’t have turned down a billion dollars,” Kate retorted.

“It was half a million,” I said. “That’s like two hundred times less than what you said.”

“Oh, my mistake,” Kate sassed. “Just a measly little half million then. Definitely nothing to write home about. Practically small change. I could probably find that much in my couch cushions.”

“Come on, Katie,” I whined. “You’re my best friend! Validate me!”

Kate patted my hand gently. “Oh honey, I know why you feel like you had to turn him down, and I’m not saying you’re wrong. Heck, I’m actually hella proud of you for sticking to your guns. You know that.”

She sighed, and carefully eased my hands away from my face, framing it in her hands instead so I had to meet her eyes.

“I just know how much you want to be independent and able to tell all the big jerk-wads to kiss your ass, and free of all your student debt and stuff. And I wish you could have that too. I want you to be happy.”

“It wouldn’t really be independence, though,” I said sadly. “Not if it came from lying for Grant.”

“Girl, I know. Hell, I guess I was probably projecting some too.” She swished her orange juice around her mouth contemplatively. “I wish I could quit and work on my lingerie full-time instead of playing nicey-nice with the jag-offs who think I live to serve them. ‘Put me through to the CEO right now or you’ll regret it!’” she mimicked. “Or ‘hey, pretty thing, is it just the candy or are you for sampling too?’ Ugh.”

“You’ll get out someday,” I told her. “You’re too talented not to.”

“You too, girl,” she said with a grin. “As long as you keep following my advice, anyway.”

* * *

“Congratulations,” Gail said stiffly. “We’re all so pleased to hear the news of your engagement.”

“It’s so thrilling!” Michelle enthused. “Was it a surprise? My sister says he must have told you ahead of time or he wouldn’t have done it, but in the pictures you just look so surprised!”

“Are you going to have a killer party?” Ken asked. “We’re invited, right?” He laughed in that joking-not-joking way people have when they want you to give them something but don’t want to come out and ask for it and risk being rejected.

I could see the rest of the attendees of the meeting bucking for their chance to leap in and congratulate me, and coincidentally, get me to acknowledge them and maybe favor their personal work projects, and I decided to cut this nonsense off at the pass before it all snowballed into a congratulations avalanche and we had to call out a rescue team to dig me out from under the deep layers of smothering well-wishes.

Plus, it was hard enough acting like I couldn’t see Grant in the corner, couldn’t feel his eyes tracing the tight contours of my curve-hugging power suit, without everyone reminding me that in the eyes of the world, we were the latest Brangelina-esque power couple.

“Thank you all, but we’re here for business, people, so let’s get to it,” I said briskly. Maybe too briskly. Everyone leapt for their seats and their laptops like I’d electrocuted them.

Gail and Michelle’s presentation was first. They held up a graph that resembled the flight of a rocket.

“The share price is undergoing an unbelievable rebound,” Michelle chirped. Gail clicked on the projector, which displayed glowing quotes from various business journals about our recent success. “Forbes called us a ‘Cinderella story!’”

I asked Michelle and Gail a few questions about the long-term sustainability of the share price increase, and we put together a committee dedicated to keeping it growing a stable rate. Next up were Ken and his cronies from marketing. Ken popped his collar—who did he think he was, a prep school senior?—and began:

“So, uh, this is one of our ads. It’s totally blowing them away in the forty plus male demographic. Ninety percent approval rating. Dim the lights, guys.”

An intern dimmed the lights while Ken called up a video on YouTube. Gentle violin music played as the camera panned over white marble columns, perfectly manicured green lawns, and flower beds so crisp and clean it looked as though they had never even heard of the concept of weeds.

“Family,” intoned a rich British accent as the camera continued to pan across to a picnic table by a lake so picturesque it could have been painted by Norman Rockwell, with a small blonde boy and a golden retriever romping in the shallows. “Family is the greatest gift of all.

“Family feeds us, clothes us, protects us,” the voiceover continued in its rich plummy tones as the ad cut from a view of a blonde family seated around a Thanksgiving dinner table while a golden retriever watched hopefully, a young girl in a graduation gown having her cap fixed to her head by a proud mother, a father scooping two little twins in matching onesies out of the way of an oncoming car.

“Even when there’s nothing else we can count on—we can count on family.”

The ad cut to a black and white photo of a man with a seriously ridiculous mustache and a twinkle in his eye.

“In 1963, Charles Devlin founded the company that would become Devlin Media Corp. And today, more than sixty years later—” the picture shifted to that of a young handsome couple with a smiling child on their lap, oh god that must be Grant’s parents, and then to a paparazzi shot of Grant and I smiling adoringly into each other’s eyes at the gala—“it’s still in the family.”

The picture faded out to a shot of the Devlin Media Corp headquarters, silhouetted by a setting sun blazing gold, orange, and bright pink. Fancy lettering blooming beneath the silhouette: Devlin Media Corp. Family continuity. Family stability.

The lights came back on. “We’re blitzing with stuff like this,” Ken said gleefully. “And man, people are just eating up all this stuff about continuity, all that jazz about stability and stuff.”

My stomach felt the opposite of stable. My stomach felt less stable than a war-torn country in the Balkan Peninsula.

“Good work, everyone,” Grant said. “Keep it up. Be sure to make regular progress reports to Lacey, and come to her or me with any questions.”

Everyone filed out, Grant forestalling any more congratulations by slinging an arm around my shoulder and leaning in to whisper in my ear in a way that broadcast ‘this is an intimate communication, stay the hell away if you want to retain your jobs and also possibly all of your internal organs’ to even the most body-language-impaired of our employees.

“Jennings is back on board with the buyout talks,” he whispered in my ear. It was absolutely goddamn criminal how his dark honey voice and hot breath made that sound sexier than the most explicit dirty talk. “You’re an absolute wonder with that man; he couldn’t be more wrapped around your little finger.”

“That’s right,” I sassed, trying to keep my breathing under control. “I’m the brains of this operation. You just stand there and look pretty.”

He laughed and took my hand. “Come on down to my office, Lacey. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

* * *

Somewhere, in an alternate universe where up was down, red was green, and Grant did things without an ulterior motive, the person Grant wanted me to meet was my new assistant, finally hired and overflowing with qualifications, great ideas, and a can-do attitude.

In this universe, the person Grant wanted me to meet was an event planner named Siobhan, who wore a series of gauzy rainbow veils and a general sense of disdain.

“So pleased to meet you,” I managed to muster in response to Siobhan’s greeting of a pointedly raised eyebrow and half-sigh at my presence. Then I rounded on Grant. “I said no wedding plans! You promised.”

“And I have delivered,” Grant assured me. “Siobhan is solely here to help us plan our engagement party.”

“Our—you rules-lawyering little weasel—”

“Don’t worry,” Grant said with his trademark wicked grin. Did he actually have that trademarked? I’d be willing to bet real money that he had that trademarked, and probably insured for several million. “It’ll be an intimate little affair. Just me, you, and oh, five hundred of our closest friends.”

“Oh, you won’t have to lift a finger,” Siobhan murmured, as if speaking any louder might cause her irreparable pain, or else exhaust her to the point where she had to drop onto the carpet in a deep sleep. “I’ll take care of everything. But, if inspiration should strike—” she threw me a look that suggested inspiration would be more likely to strike a lamppost or small potting shed—“here’s my card.”

She languidly extended her hand with the card in it, and after I took it, glided from the room as if she were dancing underwater.

“She really is quite brilliant,” Grant said, though he was struggling to keep a straight face. “Eccentric, certainly, but she’ll take care of everything. Jennings recommended her.”

“Ah, so that’s why you went for Sleeping Beauty,” I said. “Everything makes much more sense now.” I wandered around to the other side of the desk and sank into the lush upholstery of his leather chair. “Are you done complicating my life, or is there anything else you want to throw at me?”

“Well, I had planned on just handing this to you, but if you want to test your hand-eye coordination—”

Grant tossed a small object into the air and without thinking, I caught it. It was a key.

“I know you think I’ve been doing a good job, but I think the key to the city can wait,” I snarked. “Give me another couple weeks, at least.”

“While I have no doubt you will one day earn that privilege, this is another matter entirely,” Grant said. “It’s a duplicate of the key to my apartment. You’re moving in tonight.”

“What? No way!” Of all the entitled, pigheaded—

“Anticipating your objections, I’ve had your things packed up and moved. And I’ve called the press.” He raised his hand to forestall objections, smirking. “Don’t worry—I very discreetly boxed up your book collection myself. No one will ever know of your penchant for shirtless Highlanders with inexplicable Maori tribal tattoos.”

“What the hell gives you the right—”

“Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.” Grant shook his head at my obtuseness, and took my hand across the table. “Obviously we have to live together. We want people to think we’re a real couple, don’t we?”

“Yes, because no other couple in the history of the universe has ever lived apart before marriage,” I snapped. “People really will be shocked and horrified at the state of our morals, living apart like this. There will probably be fainting and fetching of smelling salts. Jane Austen will be set spinning in her grave.”

Grant laughed and kissed my hand. “Jane Austen will be fine. Are you really so attached to that apartment? There are gunshot holes in the front door.”

I tried not to let myself be swayed by this reasonable argument or by the press of his lips against my skin and the memories that evoked.

“Some of those gunshot holes have nostalgic value.”

“The entire neighborhood smells of sewage and overly greasy take-out,” he pointed out, beginning to kiss his way up my wrist.

“It adds to the ambience.”

“Your landlord is overcharging on the utility bills and skimming the profits.”

“What? Seriously? That slimy, no-good—” I coughed, got ahold of myself. “Um, I mean, adversity builds character.”

Although if that were really the case, this thing with Grant would have built me enough character to populate all seven Harry Potter books.

I was weakening, and Grant could sense it.

“Just try it for a few weeks,” he promised. “If it doesn’t suit you, we’ll smuggle you back to your apartment and have you drop by every once in awhile to maintain the pretense. Just give it a chance—there’s a pool on the roof, you know. Organic produce gets delivered weekly. I have contacts in the video game industry that can give us sneak previews of games!”

“All right, all right,” I said. “You can call off the cavalry, Mr. Charm Offensive. You had me at the pool.”

“Glad to hear it,” he said. He reached into his pocket. “Everything you need should be there, but just in case you need to pick up any odds and ends—”

And then he tried to hand me a credit card the deep black of empty space, embossed with letters in gold so thick I’d be willing to bet it was the actual metal.

I tried to knock his hand away. “Grant, I told you, no money.”

“Haven’t you heard? Credit cards aren’t real money.”

“Yeah, I heard that on a 60 Minutes episode about why the economy is in the toilet!”

“Well, then, you can think of this as your civic duty to go out there and rejuvenate American’s failing domestic goods market.”

“Grant, how much shopping do you think I can do?!”

“Look, this isn’t about the money.” He tried to look sincere, but the smirk was ruining it. “What would it look like if a Devlin was getting married and yet not lavishing gifts upon his fiancée? I have a reputation to uphold.”

“What reputation, that the Devlins are all secret shopaholics?” I snapped. “What next, are you all hoarders too? Is there a house in the Hamptons somewhere that’s just crystal goblets and designer shoes and giant stacks of moldy newspaper?”

“Oh no, you’ve stumbled upon our most dreaded secret,” Grant said, still grinning as he let go of my hand and stood up. “Now I must wall you away in the attic and pretend you're anguished screams are the cries of the ghost that haunts our manor.”

He waved goodbye and swooped out of sight before I could point out that he was tragically muddling the plots of at least three different Gothic mysteries.

I stood there fuming for several seconds, then kicked the desk as a stand-in for Grant. The desk was solid mahogany and did not appreciate being kicked.

Gritting my teeth and swearing creatively, I decided on a less painful way of expressing my feelings. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the one person I could count on above everyone else to enable me in seeking this particular path of revenge.

“Kate? Hey, girl, pull up your wish list. After work, we’re going shopping.”