Chapter2
The train rattled and rocked, swaying gently back and forth as it rolled down the tracks from midtown Manhattan up toward Washington Heights. There were empty seats here and there, left vacant by the dwindled crowds of rush hour, but two seats were filled side by side by two women who sat talking with one another.
One was shorter than the other, with brown hair and brown eyes, honey chocolate skin and a petite frame. Her name was Olivia Hartford and she was the best friend of the woman she sat beside. The other woman was taller and curvy, with green eyes and blonde hair that fell in big round curls around her shoulders. She had pale skin, though it had a healthy flush to it. She almost looked like a pinup model who had stepped off of an old vintage poster, right out of some men’s dreams into reality.
Her name was Kate Wilder. She may have looked like a pinup, but she certainly didn’t feel like one. She yawned and tried quickly to cover her mouth as she did so. Olivia looked over at her and sighed sympathetically.
“How was work today? Did they have you running?” she asked with kindness in her voice.
Kate nodded. “They did. You know, it might be one of the fanciest Italian restaurants on Fifth Avenue, but behind all the dark wood and red fabric draped all over, it’s still a rushed restaurant in the back with tons of loud noise and bustling workers, and I’m still just a server there. I mean, the patrons tip pretty well most of the time, but not nearly enough to make all the work that I do worth it. If I was paid what I was worth, I’d be a millionaire.”
Olivia laughed softly and patted her friend’s arm. “We all would be, or at least, most of us. How’s school going?”
With a sigh, Kate closed her eyes and willed herself not to fall asleep though the momentary rest was certainly temptation to do it. “It’s fine. It’s sucking up all of my time and I’m busting my backside to get through it all, but I’m getting there. I know I shouldn’t have taken such a full load of courses again this semester, but I just really have to get it done. I can’t drag it out. There’s no way I can keep living like this.”
“Living like what?” Olivia asked, looking at her with a lowered brow.
“You’re right… this isn’t living, but existing, I guess… wearing myself ragged going to school full time trying to get my psych degree, working full time trying to make the ends meet, and taking occasional naps in between.” Kate felt dejected even just talking about it.
“Girl, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but you can’t keep doing that. I thought you had cut your hours down at school and at work! I didn’t know you were still burning the candle at both ends! You can’t do that. You just can’t! You have to take some time for yourself, or everything you’re trying to do is going to suffer. Your job and your schoolwork will both suffer. That’s no way to live! I know you want to get done with school as soon as you can, but pushing yourself like this just isn’t going to make it happen. You can’t do that. What are you thinking?” She frowned and shook her head with concern.
Kate sighed and looked off into the distance, thinking all the way to her heart. “I’m thinking about my future, about getting an education that will earn me a job in psychology so that I can sustain myself out in the real world, and I’m thinking about my mama. She’s so sick, Olivia. She can’t even barely take care of herself. She’s trying to get by, but she just doesn’t have enough money. I can’t let anything happen to her. I have to take care of her. She took such good care of me all of my life, and now it’s my turn. I’m doing all I can to keep us both afloat, and I do feel bad for not being in Boston with her. I know she needs help there, and I left to come here to go to school and find a good job, but this is where I want to be. What I’m making in tips at the restaurant is just barely skimming the top of taking care of both of us. When I graduate, I can get a good job that pays me a whole lot more than what I’m making now, and then it will be so much easier for me to take care of her and me, and there won’t be long nights and grouchy customers, and homework, and no sleep… I’ll just have a day job and I’ll have enough money for her and for me, and my life will be good. Right now I’m working toward that. That’s what I’m thinking.”
She turned her head toward her friend and smiled sweetly. “But I love you for worrying about me. Thank you.”
Olivia nodded. “I understand. I know you want the best for the both of you. How’s your mama doing anyway? I haven’t heard you talk about her in a little while.”
“She’s got it rough right now. There are good days and bad days, and I guess it just depends, but she’s getting by. We’re both getting by. I wish I could be in two places at once to help her, but this really is the best I can do right now.” Kate reached her hand up to the pole beside her and used it to lift her sore and tired body up off of the seat she had been sitting on. “I do know she wouldn’t be getting by at all without my help. I’m glad to do it, I love her, but she has no other choice, and that means neither do I.”
Their stop was coming up. Olivia stood up beside her. They were going to get coffee at an all-night café to visit and talk before going home. The train whined and screeched as it came to a slow stop. The doors slid open and the ladies walked off of the train together into the grimy and gritty subway station. They followed a dozen other people up the stairs and out to the street where the cool spring air rushed toward them, smelling of city, which was still better than the smell of the subway beneath the concrete at their feet.
They walked quietly down the sidewalk and crossed the quiet street to the corner opposite the train stop. There was a brightly lit little diner that had once been made famous by a television show, though none of the show had been filmed there. They took a booth and ordered coffee from the waitress who came to help them.
“It could be worse, Olivia,” Kate observed, glancing over at their waitress. “I could be working in a place like this. I swear, I don’t know how these ladies do it working in spots like this one.”
Olivia gave her a smile. “Well, I suspect she doesn’t quite have it that bad, there are tourists who come in here all the time looking for the people from the television show, but none of them are here. Hopefully the tourists tip well. Also, there are a lot of regulars from the neighborhood who come in here to patronize it. It’s a standard on this street. Everyone comes here. She’s probably not doing too badly with her tips, but we’ll still take extra good care of her when we leave.”
Kate nodded and smiled at Olivia, grateful that she had a friend who was so kind and understanding. She tilted her head then and changed the flow of conversation. “How are things going with you and Jonathon? You’re happy? Things are good?”
The smile that formed on Olivia’s face nearly went around her head twice. “Oh my gosh, he’s so amazing. I feel like we’re more in love every single day. I can’t imagine how I ever got through my life before he was with me. I know most newlyweds must feel this way, and I hope it doesn’t sound like romantic mush to you, but he’s truly the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and there’s just no way for me to tell you how unbelievably happy we are together. It’s so amazing!”
“I can see that! You’re practically glowing!” Kate grinned at her. “Don’t feel sorry or embarrassed for being so in love, most people don’t get that, and I think there probably are some newlyweds out there who aren’t as happy as the two of you are. You two were the right match from the start, and I couldn’t wish anything more for you than the happiness you have now. It seems like your life is finally perfect, and that makes me so very happy too. I love seeing you this way.”
“It really is better than anything we had before. There’s such a great level of trust and honesty, of love and partnership. I mean, this is what it’s supposed to be. This is what everyone thinks it will be like when they fall in love and decide to get married. I don’t know how we got so lucky, but we did, and I am loving every single second of it.” Olivia sighed blissfully, batting her eyelashes just a little for dramatic effect.
“I hope you find something like this someday,” she said, looking back at Kate.
Kate laughed ironically and shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen; at least not anytime soon. First of all, we both know that I don’t have the time to date, and second of all, there’s really no one I know that I would want to have a relationship with, to be honest. I mean, I’ve got guy friends, but none of them are boyfriend material, or even remotely anything more than that. On top of that, look what happened with the last guy. I mean, not to assume that any future relationship would be as bad as the past relationships, but I am the common denominator in all of the past ones, and all of them have been pretty big failures. Especially that last jerk.”
She groaned and wrapped her hands around her coffee, lifting it to her lips as the steam curled upward toward her nose. She breathed in the scent of it, grateful for its ability to wake her up just a little bit.
Thoughts of the last guy who she had been unfortunate enough to date flooded her mind and she furrowed her brow slightly, thinking of him. “Steve wasn’t a good guy, even from the beginning. I thought he was, and I don’t know what it is about that bad boy persona that draws me in sometimes, not all the time, but definitely sometimes. I don’t know what it is about that, but he really twisted me up into a knot. You know?”
“I remember,” Olivia sighed, rolling her eyes. “He was pretty bad. I wanted to get him back so bad for cheating on you. Especially with that snotty little red-headed brat Kelsey. She’s horrible! How could he ever see anything good in such a mean, hateful person?”
Kate shrugged her shoulders and raised her brows. “Who knows. I guess it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that he didn’t see anything in me that was worth keeping or sticking around for, and he decided that having us both at the same time was the best way to go, until I found out.”
“Well you made the right choice kicking him to the curb. Any guy who wants more than one woman at a time while saying he’s in a committed relationship is a liar and a jerk. He should have either committed to you and been only committed to you, or he should never have gone beyond just the dating scene with you. In any event, he is not every guy, and you haven’t been with anyone since him.” Olivia looked at her pointedly. “That was a year and a half ago. I waited a while before I brought dating up to you. I know that you were hurting, but I think you’ve healed by now. I think it’s time that you went out and got your feet wet again. You know, find someone who actually cares about you. He’s got to be out there somewhere, don’t you think?” She gave Kate an encouraging smile.
Kate shrugged again. “Maybe, but you know what, it just comes right back to the issue of me not having time. It doesn’t really matter if I’m ready to date or not, because I don’t have time to date. I’m too busy working and going to school. I’m too busy taking care of my mom from here as best I can. All of that takes precedence over any guy who might want to be in my life. I’d fail at the relationship just from being absent, if I tried anything right now. That’s no way to try to start something, going in knowing you don’t have time for it.”
Olivia rolled her eyes again and nodded. “You’re right. You are a little too busy. I’ll grant you that.”
“Who needs romance anyway? I am perfectly fine and happy being on my own just like I am. There’s nothing wrong with my life right now, and nothing missing from it.” Kate smiled a little, trying to look convincing.
“Well, just don’t give up on it all together is what I’m saying for now. Keep your eyes and your heart open.” Olivia grew a bit serious.
“Right now I am just trying to make ends meet, take care of my mama, and keep myself afloat with my waitressing job while I’m in school. That alone is wearing me out. The worst part is that I’m not even barely making a livable wage. At this rate I’m never going to get all my student loans paid off. It feels sometimes like the whole world is just sitting right on top of me trying to suffocate me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, I’m just not going to ever be able to get out from underneath it. Even after I graduate, I’m still going to have to work a couple of jobs to get the student loans paid off. The psychology jobs won’t pay me enough at the beginning for me to pay off the loans and still take care of Mama’s needs and my own self. Maybe I better buy a lottery ticket now and then.” She laughed again, though it was a shallow laugh with no real humor in it.
“No one ever wins the lottery. That’s a pipe dream.” Olivia gave her head a shake as she waved her hand dismissively in the air. “There are other ways to make tons of money.”
Kate raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? What other ways? I’m wide open for suggestions if you have any. And I’m not stripping or working at one of the restaurants where the girls have to wear those tiny t-shirts and shorts.” She narrowed her eyes bitterly.
Olivia chuckled. “I know. You could work at a place like that; you’ve got the body for it, but I know you wouldn’t. That’s just the way you are. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but it’s just not your cup of tea.”
“Not by a long shot,” Kate agreed darkly.
Olivia looked up and set her chin in her hands as she focused thoughtfully on some distant unseen memory. “I did have a friend who went through a big money-making thing, but I don’t know if it would be the right kind of thing for you.”
“Yeah? What was it?” Kate asked curiously. At her stage, she was willing to listen to just about any idea to get out of the monetary hole she was in.
Olivia dropped her eyes and looked straight at Kate. “She did this surrogacy program.”
“She did a what?” Kate asked in amazement. She knew what surrogacy was, but she’d never actually heard of anyone doing one before, and she knew next to nothing about it.
“Surrogacy. There was this wealthy couple who wanted a baby and the wife just couldn’t get pregnant, so they had the husband go in and… provide his semen, and the doc placed it into another woman, my friend, and nine months later, voila… the couple had their baby and my friend got paid fifty thousand dollars.”
Kate’s jaw dropped as she stared at Olivia. “Fifty thousand dollars? For nine months of work with no repercussions? I never would have dreamed that it would be so much, my goodness!”
Olivia nodded. “Yep. Fifty grand. Nine months. She just walked away from it at the end. The couple was so grateful and happy to have a healthy baby to raise. It was kind of sweet, when you think about how incredible it must have been for them, and how amazing it was to find someone who would help them reach their dreams.”
“Yeah, that is pretty incredible.” Kate nodded in agreement. The number kept floating around in her mind. Fifty thousand dollars. She began to think of what she would do with that much money, and it was staggering to her. “Well, the money would be nice, and I could definitely use it, but I don’t know if I’m quite to the point where I’d rent out my body for anyone else to have a child. That sounds like a pretty big step.”
“It was a big decision, but my friend has never regretted it. Anyway, I don’t know why I thought of it, but it’s something you could consider if the money crunch gets to be too much for you, especially since you’re not dating anyone right now. You wouldn’t have a guy to worry about while you’re packing around someone else’s kid.” She laughed a little and gave Kate a wink.
Kate laughed too, and they had a little more coffee as the conversation turned to other things. An hour later, they both said goodnight to each other and went their separate ways; Olivia went home to her new husband Jonathon, and Kate went home to a tiny, dim, grungy apartment.
She kept it spotlessly clean, but it had been old and worn down when she had moved in, and though she had done all that she could to spruce it up, nothing had really made it much better. It also didn’t help that she was hardly ever home to do much with it. It sufficed for her needs; a rental home where she could rest and do her homework in between all her hours away from the place.
She had one bedroom and one bathroom, there was a small kitchen and a living room. It wasn’t fancy at all, but it was just enough for what she needed. She promised herself that after she graduated from college and landed a good job and managed to get some of her debt out of the way, she would get a nicer place, but until then, she wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t like it, but she was willing to accept her situation for what it was.
Kate sat at the table and pushed her fingers through her hair, combing it back away from her face and feeling the weariness and exhaustion in her surface. She picked up the stack of mail she had brought in with her, and started sorting through it. It was mostly bills, and most of those were demands for money that she couldn’t afford to pay in full. She was sending out a little bit of money to every debtor every month, and it just didn’t seem to get her too far. It felt to her like the bills just kept adding up, growing bigger until they were a mountain looming darkly over her.
When she had gone through them all and pulled out the ones that she could send a little bit of money to, she picked up her cell phone to make a call. It was the most important thing she would do that day. It always was, every time she called her mother in Boston.
“This is Theresa,” her mother answered her land line phone. She was so old fashioned that she hadn’t even gotten caller ID, though both Kate and the phone company had tried many times to gently draw her into the technology of present day, but she had successfully resisted to date.
“Mama, it’s me. I thought I’d call you and see how you were feeling today. How are you doing?” Kate asked with a smile. No matter how tired she was; how frustrated or worn out, the sound of her mother’s voice always made her smile. Her mother had been good to her as she was growing up and even into her adult years, always there for her when she needed advice or a shoulder to cry on, always there to encourage her and lift her up, always there to soothe her and comfort her when she was feeling low, and always with tremendous and tender love.
Kate felt that it was her duty to take care of her mother and she was honored to do it, it never bothered her that she was the sole person who would and did shoulder that responsibility. There were no siblings, though she had always wished for them when she was young, and she took the fullness of her responsibility to her mother very seriously, not only because there was no one else to care for her mother, but also because it felt to Kate somehow as if she was paying her mother back in part for a lifetime of service and indeed for her life itself, and to Kate, those were gifts that could never be repaid.
“Oh baby! I’m so glad that you called, it’s been such a hard day. It’s so wonderful to hear from you!” Her mother’s voice sounded strained and she could tell that things were not good on the other end of the line. Worry began to flood her core and her stomach and chest tightened.
“Mama, what’s going on? Are you having a hard day?” She had good days and bad, and though they had been good more often than not in the past, the difference had begun to shift, and it concerned Kate.
“I am honey. I’m sorry, I know you don’t call me to hear how bad things are. How was school?” Her mother sounded hopeful, as if hearing anything good from Kate would cheer her up.
Kate furrowed her brow. It was a subtly evasive tactic of her mother to change the subject as an avoidance maneuver when she didn’t want to talk about something. “School was good Mama. We’re going through so much information. So much that I never even realized we’d be touching on. That’s not what I want to talk about though, at least not right now. Tell me how you’re really doing, please.” She took a slightly firm tone, not disrespectful, but determined and set.
Her mother groaned softly. “Oh my girl, it’s not good over here. It was a hard day. My body feels like it’s giving out on me. It makes me feel so down, so disappointed in myself. I wonder sometimes if I had taken better care of myself when I was younger if that would have made a difference for me now. Doesn’t matter though, because I’m paying the price for it now, whatever it was that caused it. I could barely take the pain today. It seems like everything is going wrong. Sometimes it’s my bones and arthritis, sometimes it’s my heart, sometimes it’s just that I don’t feel well. Today was not a good day.”
“Oh Mama! I’m so sorry. Did you call the doctor?” Kate asked, her fingers tightening around the phone.
“No, but I thought about it. I thought if it gets any worse, I’m going to call, but then I started to feel a little bit better, so I waited it out.” Theresa was stubborn about getting help; she didn’t like to feel as though she was troubling anyone. She would much rather help than be helped, and that made it just a little bit more difficult for Kate to care for her, especially from a distance.
“Don’t take any chances. Please call him when you don’t feel good,” Kate pleaded anxiously.
Theresa began to cry. “But baby, that’s so much of the time now! I can’t call him every time I feel bad. I’d be on the phone with him every day. I just have to learn to suffer through it as much as I can and only call him when it gets to be too much to bear. That’s when I call. The rest of the time I just try to keep my mind off of it, and I try to stay strong. That’s all I can do.”
Kate felt emotion bubbling up in her throat. “Mama, I wish we had the money to take you to the specialists and get this all taken care of. I’m sorry I don’t have it yet, but I will, and one day soon you’re going to get the help you need and then you won’t hurt anymore!”
Her mother was crying hard then. “I’m so sorry baby. I wish I wasn’t sick, I wish that I wasn’t a burden on you, and I wish I could just take care of myself. I’d give anything to change this. I hate being in this situation. It’s such a struggle for you and it’s so hard for me.”
Kate hated to hear her mother cry. It was more than she could stand. “Oh Mama, don’t you worry.” She tried to sound strong through her tears as she wiped her fingers over her cheeks and did her best to steady herself. “You know what, there are big things on the horizon and we’re going to be just fine, you and me. We’re going to be great. I don’t want you to worry. I’ve got us both taken care of. I promise.”
She didn’t know why she had made the hollow promise, she had nothing on the horizon, but she just couldn’t stand to hear her mother so desperate and heartbroken. It was impossible for her to bear. She had to stay something to try to encourage her mother and build her back up. She might not have the money to fix her physical infirmities, but she could bolster her spirits, and that was worth something, even if what she was saying wasn’t really true.
“Katie honey, you are the greatest blessing of my life. Did you know that? You are. I love you more than everything. Thank you so much. You’re such a good daughter. I appreciate all that you do. It means a great deal.” Theresa was smiling through her tears and Kate could hear it. It made them both feel so much better.
“I love you too, Mama. More than everything,” she answered with a small smile growing on her face. “I’ll talk with you again soon. You take care and get some good rest tonight.”
“I will baby, I love you, too,” Theresa replied tenderly. They said their goodbyes and Kate set the phone down on the table and sighed, her eyes going to the stack of bills that she wasn’t able to pay in full.
There was nothing big on the horizon. There was no light at the end of her tunnel. Her mother needed her help and she needed to dig herself out of the financial black hole that was swallowing her whole. She felt helpless, as if there was nothing in the world that could fix it or become her saving grace.
Then in the stillness of the night, as she sat at the table in her darkest hour, her best friend’s words came back to her like a quiet echo in the back of her mind. Her friend had made fifty thousand dollars doing a surrogacy program. Fifty thousand dollars.
Kate thought to herself that if she had fifty thousand dollars, she wouldn’t have anything to worry about at all. Her mother would have nothing to worry about. Her mother could get the medical care that she needed and not hurt anymore, and she could get her student loans paid off and maybe not even have to work anymore while she was finishing up her education. The thought of being able to help her mom and of having no debt, as well as having the time to really focus on her studies without having to work had begun to appeal to her tremendously.
The concept took hold in her mind. Nine months would go by so fast. Nine months was nothing at all. The older she got, the more she realized that. She would be able to help someone else have a baby that they couldn’t otherwise have. It would be easy. It would be the answer to all of her problems if she could be accepted for a surrogacy program.
She went to her laptop and opened up the monitor, feeling her heart pick up speed as the screen began to glow. She searched for surrogacy clinics in Manhattan and found one that seemed to stand out above the others as the best possible option. She made an appointment online, telling herself that she should at least give it a chance. She had to be able to do something to help her mother, and as crazy as it sounded, surrogacy might be it.