REN

* * * * * *

2006

 

 

I COULDN’T REMEMBER when I’d taken Della to the diner for our shared birthday lunch, but today was my only day off, and I wanted to spend time with her just the two of us.

The exact date didn’t matter because it wasn’t the right one anyway. All that mattered was marking the calendar of her turning six and me turning sixteen.

Instead of stealing a wallet to pay for a single lunch, I politely asked Patricia if I could pack a wicker basket of fresh ham sandwiches and some of her banana and raspberries muffins freshly baked and steaming on the windowsill, and head to one of the boundary paddocks where willow trees dragged long fronds on the ground.

Once there, I laid out a plaid blanket, served Della our birthday picnic, and when our fingers were sticky with muffin crumbs, I pulled out the only thing I could give her.

I had no cash as everything I made went to making her life easier. I had no income because I trusted the Wilsons to spend it better than I ever could.

All I had were my hands and snippets of time while Della slept softly beside me.

“That’s for me?”

I nodded. Guilt that it wasn’t something better and uncertainty that she might not like it rolled my shoulders. “It’s not much but—”

“It’s awesome.”

“You haven’t even opened it yet.”

“Right.” She smirked, stroking the orange striped dishtowel and baling twine I’d used to wrap it. “Can I open it?”

“It’s yours. Of course, you can.”

With her lip stuck between her teeth, she undid the bow and let the material fall away.

Inside, the carved horse gleamed from the hours I’d spent polishing it with saddle conditioner. The tiny girl atop the horse could’ve been anyone if it wasn’t for the long ribbon trailing behind from her long hair.

It’d taken me hours and multiple attempts after snapping the delicate ribbon so many times while carving.

No one knew I’d done it even though I’d borrowed John’s tools to make it happen. It wasn’t perfect, and I hated a lot of it with my clumsy cuts and annoying mistakes, but it showed how much I cared. It revealed just how proud I was of her learning to ride and how terrified I was of her getting hurt. She’d taken a tumble a couple of times, and my heart literally quit beating until I knew she was okay.

My fear of her falling off a horse was nothing compared to the sudden terror drenching me as Della switched from chatty live wire to quiet, subdued seriousness beside me.

Silence fell, interrupted only by the breeze whispering through the willow leaves. I waited for as long as I could, my skin prickling with unease, my heart racing with dread.

Her fingers trailed over and over, stroking the carved mane, touching slightly too long legs, and studying not quite perfect nostrils.

I couldn’t wait any longer.

Pinching it from her hands, I shoved it behind my back. “Forget it. I knew I should’ve asked John to buy you that laptop the school requests everyone to have. I’ll-I’ll tell him tonight. You might have to wait a few months while he saves up my salary to buy it, but I’ll make sure you have something of use instead of—”

She sprang into me, bowling me over, slamming both of us to the blanket below. “Give it back.”

My elbows bent awkwardly, my spine jabbed by the carved willow-wooden horse in my hands. “Wha—”

“My horse. Now. Give it back, Ren.”

I wriggled beneath her as she sat on my chest, her shorts riding up suntanned thighs and lavender t-shirt right in my face. The sun silhouetted her, showing a faceless girl with curling white-blonde hair with her hand straight out and reckless determination bristling all around her.

“Now, Ren.” Her voice turned sharp in the way she’d mastered from listening to Cassie telling me off.

Untangling my arms from behind my back, I lay flat and gave it up as a peace offering.

She continued to straddle my chest, snatching the horse and rider, the long ribbon sticking out between her fingers. “You can’t give it to me then take it away. That’s not how gift giving works.”

Propping my head up with my hands, I tried to tame the clenching in my belly and did my best to accept that she liked it. Liked it enough to attack me to take it back, anyway. “It’s not very good—”

“Zip it.” She grabbed my lips between tight fingers, forcing my mouth closed. “I love it. It’s better than all the shopping trips and all the ribbons.” She squished my lips harder. “If you say one more bad thing about it, I’ll…I’ll—” She pouted, looking over my head toward the forests and fields. “I’ll leave you here for something to eat.”

I shook my head, dislodging her hold. “And here I thought you loved me.”

“Not when you’re being a moron.”

“Hey, I just gave you a birthday present.”

“And then took it away again.” She scowled. “Not cool, dude. Not cool.”

“Dude?” I chuckled. “Where the hell did that come from?”

Her personality had evolved leaps and bounds ever since she started hanging out with Liam and whatever kids she’d befriended at school. I’d even heard her curse the other day and told her off for such language.

I was fairly sure she hadn’t picked that up from me seeing as I was super careful with how and what I said around her.

“Some girl in class.”

“A girl you like?”

“I guess.” She shrugged. “Stop changing the subject. Don’t touch my gift.”

“Okay, okay. I won’t take it again.”

“You better not.”

I licked my lips from where her touch had been, tasting raspberries and sugar. “Now that we’ve got that sorted and you’ve attacked me on my birthday, what do you want to do for the rest of the day?”

She rolled off me, flopping onto her back and holding her horse aloft with the sun sparkling on its glossy flanks. “Dunno. Something.”

“Something isn’t helpful.”

“Something with you.”

“Did you want Liam and Cassie to come?”

Her blue eyes locked on mine with fierce certainty. “No. Just us.”

“In that case…” Climbing upright, I helped her stand. “Let’s go home for the day.”

Her face brightened as she spun to face the dense treeline on the edge of the Wilson’s property. “Truly?”

“Truly.”

Slipping her hand in mine, we stepped into tree-shadows just as she yelped, “Oh no! I forgot to get you a present. It’s your birthday, too!”

I shook my head. “Just spending the day with you is enough.”

“But Cassie said that sweet sixteen means you get lots of stuff.”

I stilled. “What sort of stuff?”

“Dunno. Stuff.”

“This ‘dunno’ business is getting old real fast, Della.”

She clutched my hand harder as she rubbed the toe of her sandal into the grass. “She wanted me to tell you something, but I don’t wanna.”

I crouched down, pulling her closer. “Tell me what?”

Her face scrunched up as if she’d taken a bite of sour lime. “She asked where we were going on your day off.”

“Okay…”

“I told her it’s our birthday.”

“And…”

“And she wished me happy birthday and promised she’d teach me how to jump on Domino tomorrow as my present.”

“That’s nice of her.”

“No, it isn’t. ‘Cause I know what she gets each time she lets me—” She sighed as if she carried the weight of a thousand problems. “I mean…I guess so.”

I stiffened. There was no way she could know the standing arrangement between Cassie and me, trading horse rides for kisses.

Pushing that stupid thought aside, I murmured, “Tell me what’s eating you, Little Ribbon.”

“Nothing.” She sniffed, staring at the dirt.

“It’s something.”

I hated her being so glum but I also couldn’t help if I didn’t know what her problem was.

I reached out to touch her golden head but she jerked away at the last second, stabbing me as surely and as perfectly as only she could do. Della was the only one who could make sunshine live in my chest then suffocate it with perpetual night, depending on she tolerated me.

I hated when she was mad because nothing felt right. My heart didn’t beat right. My body didn’t behave right. She made me sick and the only medicine was to earn her smiles and hugs again.

“What’s wrong?” My patience thinned, batting away the ache at letting her down in some way. Even though I wanted to demand she spit it out, I forced myself not to push her. She had a habit of shutting down these days over things I didn’t understand. She’d give me the cold shoulder if she caught me laughing with Cassie and hadn’t been a part of the conversation. She’d glower if Cassie was there, handing me tools and giggling in her school uniform when Della leaped off the bus.

She’d always been an open book, so the silent treatment confused me.

It hurt too, but I didn’t feel I had the right to be in pain when she was obviously hurting because of something she refused to discuss.

Dealing with a growing girl was exhausting.

“Della…it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” I brought her tiny hand to my mouth and kissed her knuckles. “Let’s just go for a walk—”

“She said she’s going to give you a special birthday treat tonight because sixteen is a big deal and sixteen-year-old boys deserve special treats.” Tears glassed her beautiful eyes as she yanked her hand from mine. “I don’t want her to give you anything. You’re mine. And I forgot to give you something, and now you’re going to get all the things from her and forget all about me!” With an agonizing gasp, she tore off into the trees.

What the—

“Della!” I chased after her, following the crash and crunch of twigs, trying to catch up as she ducked under low branches and weaved around Della-sized bushes. “Come back here.”

She didn’t stop. She didn’t slow.

“Della Ribbon, you get your butt back here this instant!” I leapt over bracken, grateful for years of hard labour and a body good at endurance. She was a speedy little thing, and I had no intention of letting her get away with shutting down this time. “Della!”

Goddammit.

Something crashed to a stop in front of me, sending me skidding on the brakes as I almost ran into her.

She looked up beneath a curtain of blonde curls, her eyes tight and lips thin but tears no longer glittered. I almost wished there were tears because the calm collectedness in her stare terrified me.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t get you a gift.” She let me grab her and wedge her into my stomach. Her thin arms wrapped loosely around my hips as she breathed hard into my lower belly. “I didn’t mean to be a child.”

“You weren’t a child.”

“I forgot. I’m not supposed to say anything about Cassie.”

I peeled her away, staring into her face, but once again, that blank collectedness stared back. “What aren’t you telling me, Della?”

“Nothing.”

“There’s something.”

“Nuh-uh. I’m fine.” She smiled bright and brittle. “See?”

I didn’t buy it, but my brain didn’t work fast enough to figure out what she was hiding.

I fumbled for something to say, some reassurance to utter, some way to bring back the happy kid I loved with all my heart, but I was too slow, and Della’s truth slipped through my fingers.

“Wanna play tag?” she asked, already bouncing away as if the past few minutes never existed. “You won’t catch me.” The flavour of heartache vanished as she giggled and took off at a dead sprint, long hair trailing, ribbon twirling.

I stared after her, lost.

What had just happened?

Della laughed, already a fair distance away. “Ren! Come on, slow poke!”

Whatever it was wasn’t over, but I didn’t want to taint the rest of our day together.

For now, I let her fake normalcy and bought into her assurances that whatever worried her wasn’t too overpowering that it stopped her from playing.

I’d protect her from everything, but until she told me what hurt her, I had to trust she was okay.

I took off, leaping forward into the trees I adored over any house or barn. “Oh, you’re in so much trouble when I get you!”

Her happy squeal tried to delete the strange, painful moment from before.

But it never quite removed the shadow she’d painted on my heart.

No matter how long we ran like the wild creatures we were.

No matter how much time we spent in the forest that was our true home.

Something had happened between us.

And it would have to be dealt with…sooner or later.