Chapter 19

I was nauseous as the elevator ascended to Stacy’s floor, begging a higher power to please let her be okay, please let this be something antibiotics could fix. By the time the doors opened, there was an acidic burning at the back of my throat.

Wes was standing next to Stacy’s bed when I reached the doorway. My heart sighed in relief at the sight of him. Turning toward me, he began to approach. Something looked different. What was it? I had just crossed the doorway’s threshold into Stacy’s darkened room when he reached me, ushering me back out into the harshly lit hallway. Under the fluorescent light, I could finally see what had altered his appearance.

My hand immediately shot up to caress his swollen and bruised left cheek, but he caught my arm just before it reached his face and led me down the hall, finding a small waiting room that was empty and steered me inside.

“Wes, what happened? Are you okay? What’s going on with Stacy?” My senses were on high alert. He had not yet uttered a single word to me and the sinking feeling in my stomach was becoming more pronounced. Whatever was going on was not good. “Talk to me,” I begged. “Please talk to me.”

With a deep exhale, he began. “Things are not good with Stacy. The cancer has metastasized to her right lung and she has an infection in there on top of that.”

“Oh God.” Hot tears, that were impossible to control, spilled from my eyes. “That’s what that damn cough was about, wasn’t it? Shit!” I closed my eyes.

Wes just nodded.

“Oh Wes, I’m so sorry,” I continued. “What are the doctors saying?”

“Nothing yet. They need to clear up the infection. But, it’s not good. The chemo didn’t stop it from spreading.” He gazed at his hands as he spoke.

Reaching out, I laid both my hands over his. His reaction was immediate and visceral as he pulled his hands away from mine, leaving my outstretched hands holding only air and my rapidly crumbling heart.

“Wes?”

Looking up at me I could see the crevasse between his eyes and the tic in his swollen jaw. I’d seen this once before and the feeling of déjà vu was suffocating. Garbage comes tomorrow, he had said to Keiko.

“I can’t do this, Tara. I’m trying to cope with the fact that I’m going to lose my sister, that she is falling prey to her battle with breast cancer. That I am going through this again and losing the last member of my family.”

“I know, Wes, I understand. And I don’t know what I can do to help you. But I’ll be there for you.”

His eyes met mine and there was no warmth or compassion in them. Where was my Wes?

He just looked at me for a moment. “Just like you were there for Julien?”

My blood ran cold. Opening my mouth to speak, the suffocating lack of oxygen bound my vocal chords in knots, leaving me momentarily both speechless and lightheaded as the room swayed. He hadn’t known until now?

“That is what I was trying to discuss with you the weekend on the boat when you didn’t want to talk about it. From your response, I assumed you already knew and didn’t want the past to get in the way of the future.”

“The past?” he scoffed.

“Yes. The past. I didn’t know you and Julien knew each other. I didn’t even know you lived on the east coast. It had been over fifteen years.”

Waving his hand at me, I could tell he wasn’t even listening to what I was saying. He wasn’t getting past me and Julien having sex for the other pieces to have any bearing on his feelings. Couple that with Stacy’s horrendous diagnosis and Wes’ past, and I knew there was no winning for me in this conversation. But I still had to try.

“Wes, listen to me, please. Julien was before us. From the moment you and I walked back into one another’s lives, it’s only been you. It’s always been you, Wes. You have to know how I feel about you. How deeply I care.” I could hear the desperation creeping into my voice as I watched his body language telling me clearly that he was retreating more and more with every sentiment I professed. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t let him go. “Wes…”

He held up a hand. “Stop, Tara. I have enough to deal with emotionally with my sister. I can’t handle this.”

“Please don’t push me away. Not now. Let me be there for you.”

With closed eyes, he shook his head, his lips forming a grim line. Slowly, he looked up. “Julien?” And I could see the pain in his eyes.

“I didn’t know you’d be coming into my life again.”

He remained silent.

“Don’t give up on us, Wes.” I couldn’t believe he was going to walk away from the happiness we brought to one another.

“I can’t deal with this.”

“I want a do-over,” I whispered.

“Well, you can’t always get what you want.”

There was no use in furthering the discussion if he no longer wanted us. His pain was a mish-mash involving all the people closest to him. The man was gutted. That was clear to see. Standing up, I looked down at him. “I’m going to see Stacy.”

And I left him alone in the waiting room and walked down the hall in my own personal, surreal fog. Annihilated. Totally annihilated.

Wiping my eyes before I entered the room, I squared my shoulders and collected myself. Leaning over, I gave Stacy a kiss on the cheek and pulled up a chair.

“That fucking cough,” I shook my head.

“Did you speak to Wes?”

I nodded, my throat closing. Suddenly I was fighting back tears and I didn’t want to burden Stacy, who had bigger issues than me getting dumped.

“So, you’re not having the greatest day either.”

I shook my head and moved the subject off me. “So, what are they doing for you here? What have they told you?”

“Not much. Just that there is a mass in my right lung. It might be operable, but first we need to clear up this infection.”

Reaching over, I squeezed her hand. “How are you feeling?”

“Ironically, physically not so bad. Emotionally, I’m still processing it. I’m not happy that the chemo has obviously been ineffective, but the oncologist was by earlier and he said we still have options with chemo that targets my type of breast cancer and potentially surgery when this infection clears up.”

“Okay, so this sounds hopeful.” I was relieved to hear they were presenting viable options to Stacy.

“Hope. That’s all we’ve got.”

I nodded, but couldn’t speak.

“Don’t give up hope on Wes, Tara.” I could see the sadness in Stacy’s eyes. “He really cares about you.”

“I don’t think Wes wants to have anything to do with me.”

“Give him some time. He’ll come around. He’s crazy about you. He’s just overwhelmed right now. And it’s like he’s living his worst nightmares all over again.”

Nodding, “I can only imagine what seeing you go through this is doing to him.”

“I know,” Stacy agreed. “But that’s only part of it.”

“I’m not sure I understand.” I really wasn’t quite sure what she was getting at.

“That fucking Julien.” The look of distaste on Stacy’s face was evident.

“I feel so terrible,” I admitted, trying to hold back my shattered emotions.

“You have nothing to feel terrible about. Julien’s just a douche and this hit way too close to home for Wes.”

“I don’t understand, Stace.”

Pressing the button on the side of her bed to elevate the upper half of her body so that she was now in a sitting position, Stacy rearranged her blankets before she started speaking. “Although they are the best of friends, there’s always been something of a rivalry between them, back to when we were all in school. If Wes liked a girl and Julien knew about it, he’d pursue her and face it, he’s a really good looking guy, so usually he’d get her and Wes would end up in the friend zone. It happened all the time when we were growing up. And Wes has always been so good to him. Like bringing him into C-Kicker when he got laid off from his last job. So, when Lisa was so sick, my brother was just so dedicated to her. There wasn’t enough he could do for her, finding doctors, trying to make sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed, trying to keep her spirits up and a few months before she died, she became really withdrawn and he was so devastated, feeling like he was already losing her and he wasn’t ready to let go. Around that time, she started confiding in Julien and it was really weird, they got very close. There was nothing physical going on. Lisa was physically weak and certainly not doing anything like that, but there was definitely this emotional thing going on between them and I know it hurt Wes deeply that she was turning to Julien for support and not him. So, what I think he’s reacting to is a combination of what is going on with me and this bombshell Julien dropped on him.”

“Oh God, Stace, I feel so awful for him.”

“And they must’ve really had it out based on what my brother’s face looks like.”

“Julien did that to him?” I was shocked and now hated Julien even more in that moment.

Stacy nodded. “Yeah, they got into a huge fight. And I think it was events both past and present that brought it to the boiling point.”

I was sick listening to how Julien took advantage of their friendship and I could only imagine how he had trashed me to Wes. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel very hopeful that Wes would reconsider and I was angry at him for not having more faith in me. In us. But Lord knows what Julien had said to him. Had he embellished to make me look even worse? Not that it needed it, just spewing facts from his stilted perspective would be damning enough.

“Does Wes always forgive Julien for his bad behavior?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“He hired him and gave him a big job after that crap with Lisa. My brother has a big heart.” Stacy shook her head.

Regrettably, that heart no longer had a place in it for me. What was the old saying? Bros before hoes. Wes would continue to take Julien back and that was a relationship I was never going to come between. The odd man out here was me and I just needed to walk away.

Pulling into the parking garage I knew exactly what I needed to do. It had come to me on the way home and although I knew it was a longshot, I had to try it. What had Stacy said? Hope. That’s all we’ve got. Well maybe there was some magic in that.

Entering the condo, all the lights were off. I had beaten Scarlett and Laynie back home and I was glad to be alone to do what I needed to do. Immediately, I went into the kitchen and got what I needed, then headed to my bedroom, situating myself in the center of my bed.

“Here goes.” I held the dark-haired doll firmly in my left hand and raised the blue-headed pin with my right hand, stabbing it with force into the right side of the doll’s chest. Raising my hand, I did it again, the pin landing near the last stab. And then again. And again. And again, with more force accompanying each successive blow.

“Die motherfucker,” I spat from between clenched teeth. “I’m going to kill every single one of you. Obliterate you. You don’t stand a chance against me. Against my power. I’m going to destroy you.” And I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed. As tears rolled down my cheeks and into my mouth, I swore, “Don’t you understand. I’m not going to lose them. Either of them. I love them both. I want them in my life. Need them in my life. So die, you motherfucker. Just die.” Viciously, I continued to stab the doll’s chest. “Die,” I screamed through my tears. “I need you to die.”

And with every stab, I screamed. “Die.” Stab. “Die.” Stab. “Die.” As I sobbed, I could barely see the doll in my hand with the now ripped open chest. When there was no fabric left to stab on the right side of the doll’s chest, I continued stabbing into the stuffing before moving to obliterate the left side of the chest. “I’m going to kill you. I’m not letting you rob everything from me. You get nothing, you motherfucker. I will destroy you.” Tears dripped onto the poppet as I relentlessly decimated it.

“Mom! Are you okay? What are you doing?” I could hear the terror in Scarlett’s voice, but it sounded as if she were on the far end of a tunnel, her voice echoing off the graffitied, concrete walls.

Surprised by the interruption, I hadn’t heard Scarlett and Laynie enter the apartment and now I needed to finish this fast. I wasn’t done yet and through my tears I continued to stab, now reciting the death incantation in my head. Or so I thought.

“Mom, what is wrong with you? Stop!” I barely heard my daughter.

I couldn’t stop yet. I wasn’t done. I needed to complete the job or it wouldn’t work.

“Aunt Laynie,” Scarlett screamed.

A moment later, Laynie was on the bed next to me. Scarlett remained in the doorway, her fingers clenching the wooden doorframe.

“Tara. Tara. Stop,” Laynie implored. “Tara, stop!”

But I couldn’t. I needed to finish. I couldn’t stop yet. And I stabbed and stabbed again.

“Tara, who is this doll?” I didn’t answer and Laynie repeated the question. Finally, grabbing my right arm mid-air, she asked the question for the third time.

With my wrist tightly in her grip, I choked out, “Stacy. It’s Stacy.” I needed her to let me go. Let me finish.

“Tara, why are you killing Stacy? Did she do something to you?”

Shaking my head, I sniffed, trying to breathe through my stuffed nose. “I’m not trying to kill Stacy. I’m trying to save her.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m killing the cancer cells, Laynie. I have to kill the cancer cells in her lungs. I need to get them all,” I cried and wrenched my wrist free of her grasp so that I could continue on my mission to heal Stacy.

Laynie’s arm went around me, “Okay Sweetie,” she said softly. “Kill all those nasty cells. Kill them all,” her voice choked up with emotion.

Scarlett joined us on the bed, flanking my other side as I continued to stab. When the poppets chest was just batting, I stopped.

“Julien told him.” I looked at Laynie, fresh tears making their way down my cheeks.

“I thought he knew.”

“Me too. But obviously not.”

“Holy crap. And he heard it from him first. Well, what did he say to you?”

Trying not to totally break down, though after what my daughter had already witnessed tonight, there was very little left that I could do that would shock her. “He ended things.”

“Oh Tara.” Laynie’s arms went around me tighter.

Scarlett remained silent, but laid her head in my lap. Softly, I ran my fingers repeatedly through her long hair, the repetitive motion calming me.

“So, it’s been a pretty shitty night. Stacy’s chemo didn’t work and Wes told me to take a hike.”

“I wish you had an extra doll for Julien,” Laynie muttered.

I actually laughed. “I’ve thought that on more than one occasion.”

“So, why the blue pin?” she asked.

“You know how a beautiful blue sky makes you feel good, that anything’s possible? The sky’s the limit. It’s like infinite hope. And right now, we need hope. We need infinite hope.”