February 1347
Dunwich, Suffolk
Petra pulled on her hood and wrapped the folds of her cloak tighter about her body, but the wind still sliced through her, making her shiver. She couldn’t see the sea, but she could hear it. It was like a living, breathing thing lurking in the shadows. On some days, it was mellow and compliant, and on others, it was vicious and cruel, ready to pounce and devour everything in sight. The waves crashed against the shore with unrestrained brutality, making the ships at anchor bob on the water like flotsam, the light from the lanterns on deck rising and falling like a secret signal.
Petra had always disliked this time of year, when the night was so much longer than the day. When Cyril was still alive, she was busy from dawn till dusk, but at least she got to see the sun while she went about her chores. Now, she arrived at Lady Blythe’s just after sunrise and left well after sunset. The only daylight she saw was through the window on the landing or when Lady Blythe sent her out to buy some fish for her supper. Petra savored those moments of freedom and took as long as she could despite the cold that left her feet and hands numb. Perhaps tomorrow, she’d offer to run an errand for the old lady, or she’d go mad. She hadn’t been out in days, and hadn’t had any time off since Candlemas, the memory of which still made her shudder.
Thomas hadn’t mentioned the incident with Edwin, but a kind of kinship sprang up between them. He saw himself as her protector, her knight, and she was his chosen lady. Thomas was solicitous of her, even in front of his mother, and sought Petra out whenever he was at home. Twice this past week, Thomas had invited her to share a cup of hippocras with him before she left for the day, and Petra was too timid to refuse, despite the fact that she was tired and wished only to go home. Thomas behaved as if things were settled between them, but Petra had never given her consent.
Oh, she knew she was being foolish, and she should seize this opportunity before Thomas came to his senses and changed his mind, but some small part of her refused to yield. Had she not seen Avery, spoken to him, and told him of Edwin, she would have thanked her lucky stars for having a man like Lord Devon pay court to her, but although her sensible side knew what must be done, her heart just wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t comply. Avery was no more hers for the taking than he had been twelve years ago, but she couldn’t accept that after having found him again. Her soul ached for him, as did her body. After years of being dormant, like a bear in its den, her desire had come awake, yearning for a man’s touch.
Thomas had brushed his hand against hers on several occasions. His hand was warm and strong, a man’s hand, but it didn’t excite her the way the sight of Avery’s slender fingers and narrow wrists had. Avery had the hands of a scholar and the eyes of a poet. He used to play the lute when he was young, shyly performing for Petra and waiting for her to clap her hands in approval. Did he still play, or had he given up music along with everything else? He must have. Petra couldn’t reconcile the seriousness of Avery’s gaze with someone who amused himself by playing the lute and reciting poems about valiant knights and the beautiful, unattainable ladies they loved. Avery had sacrificed every part of himself that mattered, including his love for her.
Petra looked up at the sky. It was shrouded in thick, low clouds that completely obscured the moon and the stars. There was hardly any light to see by, and suddenly, she was scared. Most respectable folk were already at home, sitting by their hearths after supper and spending a bit of time with their kin before retiring for the night. Petra longed to be by her hearth with her family. She felt like she hadn’t spent any proper time with them in weeks, particularly the girls, who having taken on some of Petra’s chores, fell into bed right after supper. She missed them, and she missed Edwin, who’d been withdrawn and silent since Candlemas. He wasn’t yet twelve, but he understood the consequences of what occurred and knew that life wasn’t going to be kind to him, one way or another.
It’d been nearly a fortnight since she’d seen Avery, but Petra hadn’t heard from him nor spied him at any of the Candlemas celebrations. She’d looked for him too, despite her promise to herself not to. There’d been several friars from the priory and Knights Hospitallers dressed in their black capes and tunics with the white cross emblazoned on the front. At least they hadn’t been wearing their chainmail hauberks or helmets, or carrying any weapons besides their swords, it being a day of celebration. All the parish priests were there as well, tending to their flock, but she hadn’t seen Avery anywhere.
Lady Blythe was long recovered and eager to see her confessor. She’d even sent a message to the priory, but still Avery stayed away. Had Petra offended him in some way, or had she overstepped her bounds by asking him to help their son? Of course, finding out he had a son must have come as a shock to Avery, but she’d had no choice. She had no one else to turn to, no male relatives to offer protection or guidance or much-needed funds. Had she spooked Avery enough to send him running back to Oxford? Or perhaps he’d been ill, shut up at the priory as the brothers tended to him. These questions went round and round in her head, but she was no closer to an answer. Avery seemed to have vanished.
Petra bent her head into the wind and hastened her step. Every sound startled her and forced her to walk faster. She suddenly felt very alone and very vulnerable. A woman walking on her own after dark was a target for rowdy seamen, and being so close to the port, she was at risk, especially since most of them had been in the taverns for hours and were well lubricated with ale by this point. She could never be mistaken for a whore, but when drunk enough, the men didn’t care; they just wanted a warm body to hold and a willing, or unwilling, wench to slake their lust on. It happened often enough, but the perpetrators were never taken up by the constables or brought before the sheriff. The woman was accused instead if she dared to make a complaint, blamed for being out alone or told that her wanton behavior justified the assault.
Petra cried out in terror when a hand closed about her upper arm. She whirled about, but couldn’t see the face of her assailant, who was wearing a dark cloak, the hood pulled low over his face. His hand was strong, the fingers like a vice around her flesh. Petra whimpered with fear. She prayed the man might be a Knight Hospitaller, but couldn’t see the white cross. The knights were good men, and protectors of women. They would never assault a woman in the street, so why was this man gripping her arm unless he was bent on an act of violence against her?
“Shh, it’s me, Petra,” the man hissed. “Don’t be frightened.” He pushed his hood back enough for Petra to see his face. She let out the breath she’d been holding and pulled her arm from Avery’s grasp, taking a step back to regain her composure.
“So, you’ve taken to skulking in the shadows?” Petra demanded, trying to sound outraged to cover up her initial fear. Her heart was still racing, and her breath came fast and hard, but her fear had turned to excitement at seeing Avery.
“I can’t be seen with you,” Avery explained as he steered her toward a clump of trees. The trees were old and had thick trunks, completely obscuring Petra and Avery from prying eyes, had there been any at this time of night and with a storm coming on.
“Won’t you be missed?” Petra asked. Avery looked to be in good health, so he must have been intentionally staying away, avoiding her.
“I usually return to my cell for solitary contemplation between Vespers and Compline. No one will comment on my absence,” Avery explained.
“Did you come to see me about Edwin?”
“In a manner of speaking,” Avery replied. Petra could just make out his face in the darkness, his eyes drinking her in, his lips slightly parted. “Oh, Petra, I thought I was immune,” Avery breathed.
“Immune to what?”
But Avery didn’t respond. His arm came about her waist and he pulled her close, his lips covering hers with a familiarity that made her weak in the knees. The years slipped away, and they were young again, drunk on the heady emotions of first love. Avery pushed her up against the tree, his kiss becoming more demanding as he pressed his body against hers. There were layers of fabric between them, but she could still feel his heat and his solid strength as he held her in his arms.
Somewhere in the back of Petra’s mind, she knew she should stop him, but her heart had been frozen for twelve long years, her body used regularly by a man she despised, who’d left her physically bruised and emotionally humiliated. Avery’s kiss made her feel desired and wanton. She could feel his arousal through the fabric of her skirts, and instead of feeling repulsed and frightened as she had since her wedding night, she felt mindless longing and a need to surrender.
Avery pushed her up against the tree. Petra supposed it was rough and hard, but she didn’t feel anything except searing heat that warmed her to the core. She gasped when Avery’s hand slipped between her legs, his fingers bringing her the kind of pleasure she hadn’t experienced since he left. Avery lifted her up and covered her with his body, his cloak making them one with the dark. He swallowed her cry of rapture with a kiss as he entered her, their bodies joining together as if suddenly remembering something they’d forgotten long since. Petra clung to Avery, every thought and objection obliterated from her mind as he impaled her on his shaft.
She cried out softly as he moved within her, thrusting again and again until she thought she’d die with the joy of it. Petra began to tremble as convulsions of exquisite pleasure erupted somewhere deep inside her, reminding her of what love was supposed to feel like when both people gave themselves up completely and willingly. Avery lowered her to the ground, but held her until she regained the use of her legs, which felt like stalks of grass in the breeze. He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, taking a moment to allow his breathing to return to normal.
“I never stopped loving you,” he whispered. “Not for a moment.”
“What shall we do?” Petra asked, the practical side of her already asserting itself. She thought her longing was one-sided, but now she knew better. Avery must have done a lot of soul-searching before allowing himself to break his vow of celibacy. If he was willing to do that, perhaps there might be a future for them after all.
“I don’t know. I need time to think.”
“I must get home, Avery. I will be missed.”
Avery brushed pine needles off her cloak and adjusted her headpiece. He leaned forward and gave her the gentlest of kisses, making her feel not only desired, but loved. “Give me a little time, my sweet.”
“I have all the time in the world,” Petra replied. But now it has meaning, Petra thought as she walked alongside Avery. He escorted her as far as he could, then melted into the shadows, needing to return to Greyfriars in time for Compline. He would get a few hours of sleep before the Midnight Office prayer and then be up again before dawn for Matins. The monks are not only denied physical pleasures, but they aren’t allowed uninterrupted sleep either, Petra reflected as she let herself into the house and smiled happily at her family. Her mother threw her a curious look, but she refused to meet her gaze, greeting the children instead and asking about their day as they sat down to a supper of pease pudding.
Petra excused herself as soon as she could and climbed up to her loft, desperate to wash all traces of Avery from her body. She wasn’t too old to get with child, so measures had to be taken. She knew her mother had smelled a man on her, but she probably thought it was Thomas, and her narrowed eyes and pursed lips screamed her disapproval as loudly as any words. Petra avoided her gaze all through supper. She was experiencing a strange emotion, and it was only once she’d gone to bed and lay awake reliving her reunion with Avery that she was able to put a name to it. She was happy.