Epilogue

Honeymoon

Abby

Two and a half years later…

“Bye, sweetheart. Mama loves you.”

Fighting back tears, I wave at the little figure on my laptop screen as I watch him scurry away from view to something that caught his attention.

My Marius.

It seems like only yesterday when I first held him in my arms, when I spent those sleepless nights nursing him and rocking him to sleep. Now, he’s eating a lot – at least, he can eat a lot of things, although most of the food ends up on his face, shirt, bib or the tray of his high chair – and he’s running around, usually until he bumps into something.

Boy, children sure grow up fast.

For Marius, these years are still a blur. But I know I’ll remember each moment forever – each cry, each laugh, each first.

Including this one. This is the first conversation I’ve had with my son on Skype. And this is my first time away from him.

Damn, I miss him so much.

“Hey, you’re not crying are you?” Lindsey asks as she appears on the screen, sitting in front of the computer.

“No.” I quickly wipe a tear that has managed to leak out the corner of my eye.

Lindsey sits back with a frown, crossing her arms over her chest.

Of course, I can’t fool her. She’s Lindsey Holland, after all. She’s my best friend now, especially after she’s helped me--physically and emotionally-- through my crazy first months of being a mother. She’s become my business partner, too, in the women’s clothing line we started together. She’s also Marius’ godmother, which is why she’s currently looking after him with the help of her mother and her kids, all of whom seem to be all over my little heartthrob.

“I know it’s hard, Abby, but Marius is in great hands,” Lindsey tells me. “He’s having fun. That’s what you should be doing, too. I mean, you’re on your honeymoon. Take this opportunity to make some great memories with your husband.”

Husband. I’m still not used to calling Grant that. He proposed to me shortly after Marius was born, but we decided we’d wait until Marius could take his first steps before we got married. That way, Marius could walk down the aisle with me. Finally, last week, that happened. I still can’t believe it.

It’s so hard to believe any of this – my son, Grant, my company, and right now, being in this hotel room miles away from home. Sometimes, it feels like I’m dreaming.

“Earth to Abby,” Lindsey interrupts my thoughts.

“Sorry,” I tell her. “I just miss Marius, and I guess I feel like I should be there with him.”

“That’s because you’re a mother. We feel like we should be with our children all the time. But hey, it’s okay not to be. In fact, it’s strongly recommended that you take a step back, give your child space, and give yourself some as well.”

I know. I don’t intend to be a helicopter mom. It’s just… Marius is still a baby. He still needs me.

“Listen, Abby. There’s nothing for you to worry about. There’s nothing wrong with you going on this honeymoon. In fact, you deserve it. You deserve a break, and you deserve some time alone with Grant. And you need it. You need times like this to feed your soul and nourish your body so you can be a stronger woman and a better mother. And you need times like this with Grant to keep you afloat when you hit the rapids. Because trust me, you will. This is all for the best. You owe it to yourself to do this.”

I sigh. As always, Lindsey knows just what to say.

“Fine,” I tell her. “I’ll try not to worry too much. Or cry.”

“Good.” Lindsey smiles. “That’s my girl. Have fun.”

“I will,” I promise. “Good night.”

It may be morning here in the Philippines, but in Atlanta, it’s evening.

“Oh, and I don’t know if you’ve seen it yet, but I snuck something into the bottom of your red suitcase,” Lindsey adds. “Something black.”

“Black?”

“Bye. I have to go watch the kids. I love you. Take care.”

Before I can say another word, she’s gone and the screen beeps to black.

Okay.

I get out of my chair to find my suitcase, but on my way there, I pause, captivated by the view of the ocean outside the window.

It’s true what they say: El Nido, Palawan is one of the most breathtaking places on Earth.

The sun is already up, and the water is glistening, its surface calm and blue and green. In the distant horizon, I can see rocks and islands, all beckoning to be explored. The sky above is a cloudless blue.

A summer sky. The sky of the land of my birth.

I can’t believe that, either – that I’m here in the Philippines now. Grant insisted we have our honeymoon in Asia, starting here. Lindsey approved of it as well. I admit I was reluctant at first, but I decided there was no harm in it. In fact, it’s a good choice. Maybe this way, I’ll be able to find the missing pieces of myself and move on.

Now, staring at the Philippine sky, I realize I’ve made a good decision. I realize, too, that I never hated this country. I was just hurt by a handful of the people in it that I’d left behind. I’ve missed it. And now that I’m here, I feel at peace.

I feel home.

I’m home, Mama.

How I wish we could have come back here together, maybe reconciled with our family here. There’s no chance of that now, though. As for the people I’d left behind, I have no way of getting in touch of them. Even if I had, I wouldn’t know how to face them or what to say to them.

I shake my head, dispelling the gloomy thoughts threatening to hang over me.

Lindsey’s right. I shouldn’t be sad or worried. I’m here on my honeymoon, after all.

Remembering what Lindsey said, I go to my suitcase. How on Earth did she even manage to slip something in?

After a few seconds, I find the item – a black one-piece swimsuit with a plunging halter neckline and a lattice back with cut-outs on the sides.

What the hell? Is this even a swimsuit? It’s revealing more than it’s covering! There’s no way I’m going to wear something like this in public.

Then I find the note.

Rekindle the flame. Don’t let him look at anyone else but you.

I frown. I can’t say the flame’s burning out, though I have to admit since Marius was born, Grant and I haven’t been having sex as much as we used to. And more often than not, the sex is rushed. It’s like we’re on a timer, or like we’re only doing it because we should or need to and not because we really want to.

Maybe it’s time to bring back the desire.

“So, how’s Marius?” Grant asks, coming out of the bathroom.

Quickly, I shove the swimsuit back in my suitcase.

“Great.” I give him a smile. “He doesn’t miss me at all.”

Grant dries his hair with a towel. “Hey, don’t take it the wrong way, okay? I’m sure he loves you. He’s just… carefree.”

“I know.” I stand up. “And don’t worry. I’m not upset. In fact, I’m ready to have some fun.” I give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Great.”

“Just let me take a shower and then we’ll go have breakfast, okay?”