MARK
The hand is soft but insistent, pushing against his shoulder, and he jerks awake, his back wrenching painfully as he sits up.
“Shit.” Helena’s voice moves, and there is the stumble of feet across the rug. “You scared me.”
He blinks, trying to see in the dark. “What time is it?”
“Late. I finished. Can you read it?”
He moves a foot onto the floor, pressing on his lower back as he sits fully upright. “Now?”
“No, Steinbeck. In the morning. I just woke you up to ask you the question.”
He can see more now. The hang of her dark hair, the outline of her glasses. She stands in the middle of the room, clutching a stack of pages. A ghost, that’s what she looks like, the pajamas hanging off her frame, her long fingers skeleton-like in their clutch. “You’re being sarcastic.”
“God, you’re dense when you first wake up. Yes. I’d like you to read them now.”
He rubs at his eyes, the fuzz of sleep dropping off. “Fine. Let me get some coffee.”
He stands up and stretches, something in his neck popping.
She assembles a fire, her hands moving quickly and without hesitation, kindling crackling, the amber glow smoldering, then expanding, the hearth soon full of flames. “Impressive,” he remarks, carrying in two mugs and passing her one.
“Thanks.” She cups the ceramic with both hands, bringing it to her face and inhaling the scent deeply, her hair auburn in the fire’s glow. She doesn’t look ghost-like in this light. She doesn’t even look sick. She looks beautiful. Beautiful and healthy, the fire working magic across her features. He settles into the couch and reaches for the stack of pages. She sits back, and lifts the mug, taking a long sip. She hums out a small sound of satisfaction, but it’s already lost in the room, his eyes on the page, her voice clear in the words, as if she is reading them aloud. He settles in, the coffee forgotten, and reads.
When he finishes, Helena’s eyes are closed, her head resting on the leather, the coffee cup gone, a blanket now wrapped around her. The fire is low, gentle light coming from it, a pop coming as a log shifts. Her eyes open and she looks at him. “Are you done?”
He nods. For the first time in a long time, words escape him. “I’m sorry,” he manages.
She lifts one shoulder in a half shrug, her hands smoothing over the front of the blanket. “How was the writing?”
He looks down at the final page, trying to sort through his feelings, to separate his emotions from the content. “Very strong. Better than I ever could have done.”
“Oh God, don’t get humble on me now.” One corner of her mouth lifts, and it’s almost like a different person, a new Helena, one free of the burdens that lay in these pages.
“No, really.” He looks at her. “It’s…” he tries to find the right word, a way to discuss the way the words had gripped him, gutted him. “It’s difficult to read, it’s so vivid. It’s painful. I can’t imagine going through that. Discovering that. Reacting to it. It’s heartbreaking, Helena.”
She smiles thinly, her lips pressed together tightly, and looks towards the fire, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She takes a deep breath, and he can see the containment of emotion, the moment that she regains control. She wipes a hand across her cheek and glances back at him. “Did you speak to Charlotte Blanton? Did you find out if she is from Virginia?”
“She is.” He nods, remembering the stiff phone call, his mind suddenly connecting the dots between this manuscript and their conversation. “She’d like to speak with you. She’s writing an article. Probably about Simon.”
Helena twists her mouth in a gesture he knows well, one somewhere between a grimace and a frown, the same expression she gives when he asks if she needed to rest. “I don’t want to speak to her. I know I should…” she kicks one foot out from underneath the blanket, stretching towards the fire.
A minute stretches into two, and when she opens her eyes, her expression has changed. “The book doesn’t have much of a resolution.” She looks at him, and the Charlotte Blanton conversation appears to be over. “Will you write an epilogue?”
He picks up the coffee cup, then sets it down, the ceramic cool. “An epilogue?” He considers the idea. “What would you want it to say?”
“I’m not sure.” She picks at her bottom lip. “I guess whatever you think, you feel.”
“That’s a little ambiguous.” He sets the pages down beside him. “It’s the final note of your book. It’s not something I can take lightly.”
“It’s not going to be authentic if I tell you what to write. Just wait, until after all of the edits and proofs are completed, and then just see what’s in your heart.” She drops her hand from her lips and looks up at him.
“You mean, after you’ve passed away.”
She doesn’t flinch. “Yes. You can tell them who you are, or what your job in the book was. I don’t mind if they know I’ve had help.”
They. The gods in their world, the eyes on which the axis rotated. The readers. The critics. What would they think? Was his reading of the content skewed by his relationship with her? Would they vilify or martyr her?
“Please do it. It would mean a lot to me.”
She watches him with eyes too wise for such a young woman. Eyes that know his inability to say no. Six weeks ago, those eyes begged him to accept her job proposal. Too much has happened since then. A lifetime worth, literally her lifetime worth. Each chapter he wrote had felt like experiences lived. Watching her now, seeing her struggle… he’s surprised she’s made it this far. “Of course I’ll do it.”
Her shoulders relax. “Thank you.”
Silence falls, and he thinks through the chapters he just read, through everything that happened in this house. He glances at her, at the thin pallor of her face, the hollows under her eyes. “What you did—it was to protect your child. Any mother would have done the same thing.”
Her fingers twitch atop the blanket. “Not all mothers,” she says quietly, and she’s right. Would Ellen have? It is difficult to know. On that day, so many minute changes would have led to a hundred different scenarios, the majority of which could have avoided death. “I was selfish, standard practice for me.”
“You loved her.” He says firmly. “You fought for her. What happened, her being there, was an accident.”
“I know.” She tilts her head against the recliner, bringing up one knee and hugging it to her chest. “I know.”
She doesn’t. Any parent who loses a child holds themselves responsible, even if the act is completely unrelated to them. And in this case, she lit the match that caused the fire. She’ll never forgive herself for that, she’s carried that weight for four years. She’ll continue to carry it until she dies. That is how life is, it gives us burdens to carry and doesn’t give a damn about the weight. We shoulder it or we break.
“Do you believe in Heaven?” She doesn’t look at him, she pulls at her shirt sleeves, pulling the material over her fists.
“I do. Ellen’s there now, waiting on my ugly ass.” He smiles, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “I imagine she has a list of things to yell at me about.” The DUI for one. He’d spent a night in the county jail for that, and had heard her voice the entire night, a steady barrage of disappointment. The shame alone had been enough for him to set down the bottle and get help.
“You think I’ll see Bethany again?” Her voice is as soft as he’s ever heard it.
“I know you will. You’ll have eternity with her.” He speaks firmly, believing every syllable with his entire heart. She turns her head slightly and meets his gaze, and the edge of her mouth trembles, just a fraction. On her, it is as good as an ear-splitting beam. He smiles back.