February 7 – Saturday
Five o’clock in the morning and Tess wasn’t sure what wakened her, but suddenly, she was wide awake, her senses keen to pick up something out of the ordinary. She lay, for a moment, trying to figure out what had woken her. It was a sound, something familiar and yet something that marked itself out as unusual enough to break into her sleep.
She looked around the darkened room, picking out the looming shape of her old wardrobe. The door beside closed tight to stop it creak in stray breezes was hung with her old dressing gown. She should really change that old thing, relegate it to the bin, she sighed happily. It was on her to-do list. After this concert was behind her, she would take herself into the city and treat herself to something soft, fluffy and luxurious.
There it was again, a familiar, scratching mewing noise. Matt. Tess flung back the blankets, turned herself quickly from the bed and dived to the door. Outside, it was still dark, cold and far too wet for a cat to be wandering about.
‘How did you manage to get out?’ she whispered as she watched him jump from her windowsill and pad softly across to wind himself about her legs. ‘I’ve given all your food away, you know that, Mrs O has all your treats,’ although there was some ham in the fridge, but she knew he’d be more than happy with a dry bed and a saucer of milk.
When she bent to pick him up, his fur was wet and she wondered for a moment how long exactly he’d been sitting at her window. ‘Come on, let’s dry you off and give you a treat.’ She closed the door with a soft click, leaving the darkened city behind them, and for the first time since he’d left, she felt like everything was just as it should be in her cosy little flat.
*
‘I never thought I’d be so nervous,’ Tess whispered to Kilker who looked as though he was ready for fight or flight. They were all a little keyed up. It was their first performance of the year and they weren’t only debuting a new soloist, but they had a whole new repertoire of ambitious music. To make matters worse, someone mentioned there would be a delegation present in the audience from Choral Fest. There was a slightly nervous giggle from one of the women in the chorus line, which died wretchedly and instantly when Tess turned her coldest stare on the woman. For her part, Tess was relieved to see that she had not lost her ability to communicate effectively with just a glare.
‘I think it’s in Salzburg next year,’ Kilker said a little too loudly. ‘The Chorus Festival, you know, if we were to impress them…’ his words petered off, it was too fantastic to imagine that they’d be selected for an occasion like that.
‘Salzburg?’ Tess felt the name on her lips. It was another of her regrets – the fact that she’d never had a chance to travel, that her life had ended so far off the trajectory that seemed destined so many years before. She’d said so, just last week to Kilker when he dropped by for coffee. He was doing that every other day now. Within a very short time, he’d managed to make his own of her sofa and leave space for Matt reverentially at the other end. Most surprising of all, to Tess, was that he had mastered a perfect cup of tea, just the way she liked it.
‘Well, it’s an honour that they’re here, let’s just do our best and see what happens.’ Barry stood taller tonight than ever before. Tess noticed that his shirt collar was starched and white and when he tapped his baton, it produced the kind of stillness that goes far beyond quiet. The church, in that moment, was reverently silent and Tess loved it. They opened with two standard hymns, familiar pieces that would settle the audience.
Centre pews, Tess caught sight of Amanda and Robyn. She was no longer nervous, but still, it was nice to feel that they were there for her. When she moved to the front to sing her three hymns, she caught their eyes and nodded almost imperceptibly to let them know she was singing for them as much as she was for herself tonight. Those solo minutes seemed to last an eternity while at the same time floated away from her as an ethereal dream, time slipping; gossamer through her fingertips. She adored the precious freedom of her voice rising high above the heads of everyone in the church. She treasured the feeling that she was somehow at one with something far greater than she could have ever imagined.
At the end, she stood for a moment, revelled in the applause and yes, the admiration. She was basking in it. Her, Tess Cuffe – spinster and oddball. She was standing on this elegant podium and feeling as if she owned this city that for so long seemed to shunt her off. She stood for a second, dazed by emotion. The reaction of the audience, enchanted and applauding, drew each second fluently out, so she revelled in every ounce of their admiration, then she bowed as she’d always known she would one day. Elated, she was moving back towards her place in the choir. Next up, the baritones moved forward and the music changed to something a little more upbeat, and a little less breath-taking. Tess could see it in the faces before her.
*
‘That was amazing,’ Amanda said when they gathered for refreshments at the end. ‘You never told us you could sing like that.’
‘So, how did you think I would sound?’ Tess was laughing at her, but she understood Amanda’s confusion. After all, Tess herself had all but forgotten that she sang. She never imagined it was something she could find within her at this late stage. ‘I suppose, it was so long, I just wasn’t sure if I would ever sing again.’ She sipped the prosecco and it felt cool and delicious against her throat.
‘Why on earth did you ever stop?’ Robyn rounded on her.
‘Life, just life, I suppose. You have to be happy to sing, you know, to get up there and what is it you youngsters say, put yourself out there?’ Tess sighed. ‘I suppose, I just got to the stage where the joy had left me and I didn’t have it in me to pretend anymore. I lost the courage to stand in front of people and praise God or anything else, because I didn’t believe there was anything worth praising.’ That was the truth of it, she’d never really thought about it before, but that was it. For most of her life, she had lost all faith in anything ever being right again. She learned to accept that she was only going to endure life, never flourish. But then, somehow, that had changed. She looked across at Kilker who didn’t look so bear-like in his smart tuxedo now he’d tamed his whiskers and trimmed his unruly hair. ‘I suppose, although it kills me to admit it, but it’s down to you that I could get up there and sing tonight.’
‘It took more than bringing you along, Tess, surely you see that.’ Kilker was beside them now. ‘You had it in you all these years, you just couldn’t find it,’ he said softly, enjoying that, for this once, at least, she was admitting he was right.
‘How did you know?’ It hadn’t occurred to her before, but now she wondered.
‘Ah, well.’ He placed his finger at the side of his spirit-pocked nose. ‘Now, that would be telling and I have a feeling that if I came clean, you might not talk to me anymore.’ His eyes twinkled as he laughed and Tess thought he really could be the most infuriating man ever.
‘Come on, you have to tell us, we’ll burst now if we don’t find out.’ Amanda linked his arm conspiratorially.
‘Maybe, someday, when I’m sure she won’t be mad at me. She has a very volatile cat; I do worry that she might set the thing on me if I get on her nerves too much.’ He laughed at that again and nodded at some of the other women in the choir.
‘Not anymore,’ Tess said but this wasn’t the place to be sad, and anyway, she had learned the difference between home being a place and a feeling, and she knew that Matt would always be at home with her, even if his papers said he belonged with Mrs O.
‘We won’t let her set the cat on you. To be perfectly frank, he gave me the shivers too and anyway,’ Amanda’s voice dipped, ‘he’s not really fierce, he’s all fur and no fangs. You must tell us now, Kilker.’
‘Well…’ he looked across at Tess, then leant nearer Amanda and Robyn. ‘The truth is, I remember Tess from years ago. Oh, it took me a while to place her when she arrived at the hospital with her broken arm and giving out yards to the junior doctors, but she was the kind of girl you wouldn’t forget. I had a real soft spot for her,’ he said softly. ‘Mind you, half the boys I knew were after her, not that she seemed to realise,’ he cleared his throat and caught Tess’s eye shyly, just for once. ‘Of course, Tess was way out of my league. Anyway, she had a bloke and rumour had it they were getting hitched, so that was that.’ He smiled now, thinking back to those days. ‘Even then, she could have put St Peter to sleep, her voice was that heavenly.’ He shook his head now and looked at Tess as though she might remember him. He leant in closer to her then, ‘You called me Stephen then, back when we had the jazz band, of course, it was a long time ago. No one calls me that anymore.’ He shook his head fondly, maybe a little sadly at the passage of time.
‘Oh, dear God.’ Tess felt her legs buckle beneath her, ‘How could I not have known?’ She peered at him now, trying to picture the gangly youth, with skin reddened from farm work and a denim jacket that never left his back. ‘Stephen?’ she heard the name fall from her on a breath. ‘You were so kind to me, that last time, you said…’ she felt herself fall back in time, ‘you said it would all work out, in the end.’ She felt a tear slide down her cheek, remembered too late the powder Robyn had pressed to dull away a shine.
‘Oh, don’t get so sentimental. It doesn’t change anything,’ he leant towards her now, pulling a great big cotton hanky from his pocket. ‘I’m still the same, maybe wider and wiser, but we’re here now, that’s what counts.’ He dabbed her cheek, held her face softly in his hand and their eyes connected, for just a moment; long enough to see the boy within.
‘Time changes all of us, Stephen. I can’t quite believe it’s you…’ Tess inclined her head a little, watching him. It all came flooding back, Stephen, he was in second year medicine at the time, a gangly, easy-going youth, she’d hardly given a second glance. ‘After all these years, so much has changed.’
‘I’m not sure about that.’ He smiled at her now, his eyes creasing up so there was no mistaking the affection that had been there all along, if only she had looked more closely. ‘Well, maybe some things have, but for the good.’
‘Really?’ Tess felt herself blush when she looked at him now.
‘Of course, I’d say that your voice is even more enchanting here than it was in that club all those years ago.’ He reached forward and kissed her gently on her cheek and she had a delicious feeling of something new and lovely stirring up within her. ‘And of course,’ he added smiling, ‘it’s never too late to be happy.’