Donald was waiting on Axel’s front porch when Axel and the boys returned home. “What’s going on? I saw you and Cory take off down to the park. Is something wrong?” He looked down the street. “Where is Cory?”
“Come inside,” Axel said. “I’ll tell you about it while I fix the kids some hot chocolate.”
The boys shed their thick jackets and shoes then bundled up in warm blankets before the tv.
Axel heated up milk in a saucepan while he explained to Donald about the call from Clint and the incident at the park.
“Shit,” Donald breathed, his brow pinched. A sick look crept across his face as he glanced into the living room at the kids. “It makes you paranoid to let them out of your sight. It’s like there’s no safe place in this world anymore. Not sure there ever was, though. Not really.”
“I know,” Axel whispered. The reality of what almost happened was only now sinking in, filling him with nausea.
“Where’d Cory take the guy?”
“To Clint and Cochise,” Axel murmured dully. He took down four mugs and opened an equal amount of Nestle cocoa packets and dumped them in, then filled the mugs with hot milk.
Donald stared at him. “Is something wrong?”
Sprinkling mini-marshmallows into each mug, Axel shrugged. “I just think I had a right to be a part of that fucker’s fate. I love these kids as much as they do.” He picked up two of the cups and took them into the living room for Jules and Reuben and placed them on the coffee table. “It’s really hot,” he warned. “Let it cool just a bit so you don’t burn yourselves.” The little boys nodded. Axel returned to the kitchen, retrieved the last two mugs and delivered them to the twins. “Again, very hot. Drink carefully.”
“Okay,” Noah murmured as he took a mug. “Thank you.”
Axel paused. “Are you okay, Noah?”
The boy nodded as he cradled the mug in his palms. “I’m just a little freaked out still.”
“Me, too,” Axel admitted. “It’s okay. It was a scary situation.”
Noah hesitated then whispered, “What is Cory gonna do to that man?” The look in Noah’s eyes insisted he had his suspicions.
“He’s taking him to Clint,” Axel said. “Clint will decide what to do with him.”
Though no one had said so straight out, Noah knew that Clint and Cochise had gotten rid of his and Noel’s stepdad. The boy understood what Clint and his men were capable of.
“Don’t worry,” Axel told him. “I promise, you’ll never see that man again.”
Noah met his stare knowingly and took a small sip of his cocoa.
Axel returned to the kitchen and sat down at the table, his brow furrowed with troubled thoughts.
“You know why Clint doesn’t want you to be a part of all that,” Donald said quietly.
“I know.”
“He hasn’t recovered from what happened to you. He may never fully recover.” He shook his head. “Shit, I’m not sure any of us have.”
Axel sighed. “I understand that. And I know what it did to him. But…he can’t protect me from everything, and I don’t need him to.”
“But he’s going to try,” Donald said. “Because that’s who he is. He will always feel the need to protect you, to keep you safe—whether you need him to or not. He blames himself for what happened to you and…he always will. It isn’t going to matter what you say to him or what anyone else tells him. In his mind, he is directly responsible for you almost dying. And for a man like Clint…that’s a hard reality to face.”
Axel had no challenging argument. He saw the look in Clint’s eyes every time Axel took off his shirt and exposed his scars. The radiating guilt and pain weren’t as prominent as it had been a few months ago, but it was still there and still flared up at the sight of Axel’s marred flesh. Maybe it had faded some, but as Donald stated—it would never go away entirely.
“I understand all that,” Axel murmured. “And I get why he wants to keep me away from the gangster world, but he’s been a gangster for over twenty years. It’s woven through his DNA, it’s who he is. And if he won’t share that part of himself with me, then I’ll end up as little more than a spectator on the fringes of his life. Because that is his life. And I was aware of that reality when I committed myself to him. If we get married…how much of his life will I be excluded from?” He rubbed his eyes. “It isn’t like I want to go out on jobs with him, but he won’t even talk about any of it when he comes home, he won’t confide in me about the things he had to deal with out there.” Axel swallowed and shook his head. “Sometimes it feels like he’s got a shitload of horrors bottled up inside him and he won’t let it out. And…and it fucking scares me what that will eventually do to him, holding it all in.”
Donald nodded. “I totally get where you’re coming from. I see Cochise holding a lot back from Kane, and all of us. Though, sometimes I think if he did ever talk about things…it would be with me. Maybe because I was right in the middle of everything along with the rest of you. What happened to Zoe—and to you and me—I think it made him even more determined not to bring his work home with him, so to speak. I mean, Kane and Zoe and John…they’re like one-hundred-percent from the world out here, and I don’t think Cochise wants to…infect that.” Donald smiled small. “Shit, I know the big guy loves the fuck out of us, even if he isn’t so good at saying it. But, like Clint with you, he wants to protect us from the dangerous world he’s lived in for so long.” He reached out and squeezed Axel’s wrist. “This is how they show us how much they love us,” he said gently. “By doing their damnedest to keep the horrors they’ve experienced from touching our lives. We’ve got to cut them some slack, my friend. This is all still new to them, but they’re doing their best the only way they know how.”
Axel stared at him. “So…you’re saying I should quit my fucking whining, accept that Clint is doing what he thinks is best for our relationship, and just love my cowboy for who he is?” A small smile quirked his lips.
Donald chuckled. “Now, you’re getting it.”
Laughing softly, Axel gazed at him and sighed. “You’re not really going to move out of the house and back to the city, are you? I like having you right here to talk to.”
His mood shadowing a bit, Donald said, “I’ve been looking for an apartment. I never intended to move in permanently. After what happened, I was scared to be alone. But I’m over that now.” He swallowed and shifted his eyes away. “I think it’s time I left.”
“You’re part of their family now,” Axel murmured. “And ours.”
Donald stared blankly across the kitchen.
“It’s because of John, isn’t it?”
Ducking his head, Donald rubbed his eyes. “Things have been kind of weird between us since we danced at the reception. I don’t think he feels comfortable around me anymore.” He exhaled and looked at Axel. “I shouldn’t have asked him to dance. I knew he didn’t want to, but I pushed him into it. I want to believe that he’s gay and that he does like me that way, but…” he shook his head. “I’m just fooling myself. It’s wishful thinking and nothing more. But as long as I’m living in the same house with him, I can’t make myself stop having feelings for him.”
“And you think moving back to the city is going to magically erase those feelings?” Axel asked skeptically. “If you’re in love with the guy, you could move to the other side of the world and you would still be in love with him.”
“I know,” Donald whispered. “But I can’t stay. Sometimes when I see him and Zoe together, I wonder what I would do if they started dating. I love Zoe like a sister, but I’m so fucking jealous of her relationship with John and how he’s so at ease with her. If they’re meant to be together, then I don’t want to stand in their way. And I will be in the way…if I stay.”
Axel didn’t want to conjure false hope for Donald but in Axel’s opinion…John wasn’t as “oblivious” to Donald as a romantic prospect as Donald seemed to think he was. There were many times Axel noticed John watching Donald with an almost wistful look in his eyes. He had to know Donald was attracted to him, so Axel wasn’t sure why he didn’t confess his own attractions. Maybe they were new feelings to him and he was confused right now about his sexuality. Axel could understand that; he’d gone through the same confusion himself. He wanted to tell Donald not to give up and not to leave, because maybe John was simply working it all out in his head and his heart and just needed a little more time to find the courage to open up to him.
But what if he was wrong about John, and John didn’t have those attractions to Donald? If he got Donald’s hopes up and then it all turned out to be misunderstood observations on Axel’s part…Donald would suffer greater heartache than he was right now.
“Just don’t be in a rush to go,” Axel said. “I like having you right next door to pow-wow with.” He shook his head and smiled softly. “I’d miss the fuck out of you.”
Donald laughed low. “Me, too.”
•♦•
Cruz met Clint at the front door of the main house. “How are the kids?” Clint asked as he and Cochise entered.
“Adrian’s with them. He gave them a quick exam, and now he wants to get them cleaned up and into warm clothes and fed.”
Clint nodded. The three of them entered the small lounge. Fear and uncertainty continued to etch the kids’ faces, but Clint noticed a fraction less tension in some of them.
Adrian approached. “I want to get them bathed,” he said. “The warm water will help heat up their bodies, get their blood flowing properly. Then with some hot food in them, they’ll be looking and feeling a lot better.” His stare lingered on the young girl with the vacant eyes. “I’m worried about that little girl. Jenny. Physically, she’s all right, except for being undernourished, but I’m deeply concerned about her mental state. She responds and obeys when spoken to, but when I look in her eyes…it’s like no one’s there.”
“Is it any wonder?” Cruz mumbled bitterly. “The hell these kids have endured, it’s a wonder they’re not all mentally gone.”
“Do you think she’ll come out of it?” Clint asked low.
Adrian sighed. “I don’t know. Nothing is impossible. The human mind is a complex thing. This could be a subconscious defense mechanism, drawing her away from a reality that she can’t consciously handle. Maybe with therapy and the love of a caring family…maybe she could be reached. If she could understand that she’s safe now, it might help bring her back.”
“Have you spoken to them about where they came from?” Clint asked. “If they have families out there somewhere that they were taken from?”
“No. I thought we would get them washed and fed, and then sit down with the older ones and see what they can tell us.”
Clint nodded. “Yeah,” he murmured. “God knows, they need to get out of those shitty rags and get the stink of those perverted motherfuckers washed off them.” His face twitched as rage rumbled his gut. “Make them feel human again.”
•♦•
The cowboy’s words, though spoken low, reached Jacob’s ears. He wasn’t ready to let his guard down, but he was having a difficult time notliking these men. The way the doctor—Adrian—had taken such care with all of them, especially the littlest ones and Jenny…there was no denying the man’s depth of compassion. Even so, life in hell had taught him hard lessons he couldn’t just unlearn in the space of a few hours.
Adrian came back over. “We’re going to run some baths for you,” he told them. “We need to get your bodies warmed up, especially these youngest ones.” He looked at Nina. “Could you help with the girls? I think the last thing they need right now are strange men touching them, even in a non-threatening manner.”
Nina nodded. “Yes,” she whispered.
“Thank you,” Adrian said softly, then spoke to Jacob. “Perhaps you older boys could help the younger ones. I know you don’t trust us yet and we understand that.”
Jacob was grateful that the men didn’t intend to undress the kids themselves. They understood only one thing; when strange men took away their clothes…bad things happened.
“We’ll help them,” Jacob murmured.
Adrian said, “I’ll show you to the rooms and lay out fresh clothes for all of you to put on. They won’t fit you properly, but they’ll be clean. Some friends of ours will be here soon with clothes that do fit. And after you bathe,” he smiled. “We’ll get you some of that hot food you’ve been smelling.”
From Eric’s arms, Samson looked at Jacob hopefully. “We get to eat good food?” he whispered.
Jacob blinked, his throat knotting. He glanced at Adrian who’d overheard the child’s question; tears glimmered in the doctor’s eyes as he nodded at Jacob. Clearing his throat, Jacob leaned against Eric and kissed Samson’s head. “Yeah,” he replied thickly. “We get to eat good food.”