Chapter 26
Gratitude dropped through her like a stone as soon as the plane touched down outside of Santa Barbara. Surviving the brief visit with her family had been a trial that tested the last of Cassie’s patience. Christopher had been supportive, if a bit worried. Claire — well, Cassie had almost punched her at least half a dozen times within the first three hours of being home, then she’d given up and moved in with her brother because staying with her sister was intolerable. Her parents… well, her parents had been quietly worried, as always, though the worst — her mother — was a silent wall of passive-aggressive disapproval.
Good intentions aside, Claire had cornered Cassie with prayers and concerns of love, all misguided and wrapped up in her faith. If ever Cassie was not interested in hearing about her sister’s interpretations on how Cassie could better her life, it was right now. To each their own, but no matter how much Cassie had tried to turn to the good book over the last few months, she had found no peace or sanctuary there.
Her family still had no idea that anything had happened with Brody, and the distance provided by living in separate states came as a blessing since they never really had to see how bad she had gotten. Maybe that was part of the problem — that she had never really talked about things. But outside of Anna, Nathan, and Philip, Cassie hadn’t felt the need to share. Her family didn’t need to know because what had happened was private, and she knew no one in her family would have understood. Especially having a baby out of marriage.
So rather than risk an argument and burn all her bridges with her sister, Cassie had stayed quiet. All she’d told her family was that she was overstressed with work and had plans in place to lighten her load. For the most part, that was true. She was making changes for the better. But even with those changes in place, the human body still took a long time to heal.
The hired driver Anna had sent up to the airport drove Cassie to the yoga retreat center in the heart of Santa Barbara. Anna wanted a combination of best friend bonding and spiritual centering to ready herself for the big day because she felt that a cleansing of the mind, body, and soul was needed before the start of a new union. It was also a chance for Cassie to dive deeper into her healing on the mental and spiritual level. The next few days would focus on mediation, yoga, and something Anna called the Five Stages Dance — whatever that meant. If it involved dancing, Cassie doubted she would be a full participant. Her body seemed to have forgotten how to move to music anymore.
No matter how much the struggle was for Cassie right now though, there was only one priority that mattered; whatever the bride wanted for her special day was what Cassie would make sure that Anna got.
Getting out of the car, she looked around at the location. The facility housed a generous ranch-style, south-western design of white stucco walls and a green tiled roof in a U shape. The courtyard was landscaped to perfection and led inward. Cassie followed the entry path, rolling her bag behind her. A sign at the entrance noted that the path would traverse through a garden back to where guests would check in and that the garden’s twisting paths were representative of the journey from the outer world of chaos and distractions to the inner one, where a person could center properly and be present within themselves. Cassie followed along, enjoying the riot of color everywhere she looked off of the graveled pathway, turned a corner, and her breath caught.
In the middle of the courtyard stood a Shanti statue surrounded by a pool with water lotus floating within. The statue was so graceful and feminine in the lines and the expression on her face that Cassie felt something stir and lighten deep within her soul as she stood there, lost in the tranquility and peace represented before her. Minutes, hours could have passed — all she saw was a piece of her missing self. The part that used to know peace. Or at least something close to it.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Anna said.
Cassie turned to see her friend through her tears. Anna also represented that centered peace, wearing a flowing blue-and-white wrap dress that fluttered in the breeze. A long strand of mala beads in brown, amber, yellow, and green encircled her neck, draping beautifully downward. With her golden-brown hair twisted up in a bun on top of her head, Anna looked like the embodiment of happiness and welcoming spirit.
“She really is. So beautiful.”
Anna enveloped Cassie in a hug that went on forever. She simply held and supported her friend, knowing as only a true friend could how much Cassie needed that contact. Drawing back, she held Cassie at arm’s length. “The next few days will be hard, but they’ll help if you’re open to letting them.”
Nodding, Cassie pulled Anna back in. “I’m ready. I’m ready to find me again. If not me, then something better than what I am right now.”
The hug deepened as Anna rocked her. “We’ll go on this journey together, sweet sister. I am blessed to witness your journey and that you came to give support and love for me as well. Come on, let’s get you settled in.”
The next few days were hard, just as Anna had said they would be, but Cassie opened up and let it all in. At least what she was able to let in. Part of her was still so closed off from the world.
The second-to-last night of the retreat featured a candlelight yoga meditation and the Five Stages Dance. Cassie almost didn’t go. She still didn’t feel like dancing with a body that was so stiff and unyielding. Music rarely played in her home anymore, and when it did, it was only the radio on low in the background.
But she went because of the promise she had made to Anna and, more importantly, to herself. The intention of this night and ritual was to say good-bye and release grief. Grief over any actions or deeds misplaced. Grief in any decisions of the past. Grief over any loss.
Tonight, the mist of the sea wrapped around them on the beach, and something shifted within Cassie while the music played on low. Cassie swayed stiffly to it with the other women present, but her mind was elsewhere. Then the instructor took them through an exercise in envisioning peace and tranquility.
A piece that had been frozen inside her broke and melted like ice, turning into that mist, it traveled upward where the stars became diamonds in the sky. All the while, the rhythm of the beat twined through Cassie’s body and mind.
Lifting her up and up into that glittering sky.
Until she saw something in that beautiful, everlasting and endless light.
Something she couldn’t believe possible cracked the ice around her heart and soul.
A sparkling light bounced and danced with joy in the heavens — their baby. Their baby was happy and safe where she was now, held by the ones who would care for her in the spiritual realm.
Cassie swayed forward and backward, in and out. She felt something wet on her face and realized it was tears pouring down. Like joyful rain.
Her feet moved and stepped, twisted in and out, and her head flew back on an arching whip sending her hair flying in a circle around her. She leapt, arms wide to twist, tumbled to the earth, rolled and leapt and did it all over again.
The movements of a lifetime of dance came back and vibrated within her body, releasing and relishing the freedom of finally having her chains cut free.
Cassie danced and danced.
Long after the practice had ended and the music stopped, she danced.
All there stood witness and supported her. She moved until her body could no longer respond, then she collapsed, laughing in Anna’s arms.