Chapter 44
I wake up with a start. Through a crack in my blinds, I can see that it’s still dark outside. My eyes are stinging and my body is weighed down with exhaustion, so I don’t know what roused me. I turn my head to see Charlie, fast asleep in my bed beside me. My butterflies go berserk at the memory of all of the intimate things we did to each other last night.
Then I hear her: April.
I climb quickly out of bed and pull on my robe, shutting the door behind me so Charlie doesn’t wake up, before hurrying downstairs.
April starts to cry properly as I approach her cot, so I murmur soothingly. She reaches up to me. I know I should probably try to settle her in her cot like Charlie does, but I can’t resist. I pick her up and cradle her in my arms and her crying stops instantly.
It’s cold in her room – did we leave the air conditioning on? Damn, we did – obviously had other things on our minds. I walk over and switch it off while singing to her quietly. Her eyes are wide and they’re staring up at me in the darkness. I brush my finger across her cheek and smile down at her, my heart threatening to burst.
I know I shouldn’t bring her into bed with me, but her arms and legs are cold and I want to warm her up. I pull back the covers of Charlie’s bed and slide in between the cool sheets, drawing her close and humming until she falls back asleep in my arms.
That’s how Charlie finds us the next morning.
‘Hey,’ I whisper, smiling up at him sleepily. April is still out cold.
‘Hi,’ he whispers in return, but he’s not smiling. He looks deeply apprehensive.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask with alarm.
The shutters come down on his eyes. ‘We’ll talk later.’
My insides turn to ice.
‘Have you got some work you can do today?’ he asks me over breakfast. He did the thing with his hand again, drawing it away when I tried to touch him.
‘Yes, why?’
‘Alain has some time off. He’d like to spend our last day with April and me.’
‘Oh, okay.’ I understand why they’d want it to be just the three of them, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed.
‘I thought I’d see if we can get the sitter again tonight. We could eat at the restaurant in the cave.’
From his detached tone, I have the feeling this is not another date night. Seems like it’s time for our talk. . .
I spend the day exploring the area, taking photographs and making notes, but although the setting inspires me, I can’t get rid of the nausea that’s constantly churning away.
Charlie returns early that evening and my pulse races at the sight of him, but, when I ask if I can help with April’s bedtime routine, he turns me down.
‘Just let me get her sorted tonight,’ he says, giving me a pleading look before he goes into his room and shuts the door behind him.
Later that night, we find ourselves in one of the most romantic, picturesque places in the world. Our tables are set upon the sand and over our heads, stalactites drip down from the cave ceiling, while out in front of us, Thailand’s ethereal islands seem to float away in the distance, on top of the calm, still water.
I can’t enjoy a second of it.
‘Can you tell me what’s going through your mind?’ I ask gently.
‘I’m still trying to work it out.’ His voice is heavy as he stares into his wineglass. ‘I just want to do the best thing for April.’
‘You think I’d ever hurt her?’
‘You’re already hurting her.’ I breathe in sharply at his words. ‘She’s already developed an attachment to you that’s causing her pain.’ He leans forward in his seat, pinning me with a disconcertingly hard stare. ‘The weeks after you left were tough. She didn’t just miss you: she pined for you. She’s getting older now, she’s starting to understand. I can’t have her thinking you’re her mother if you’re just going to up and leave us when you get bored.’
‘Charlie!’ I gasp.
‘It’s true, isn’t it?’ he asks challengingly. ‘It’s not like you haven’t done that before.’ His eyes are glimmering in the candlelight, but he’s not upset: he’s determined. ‘I don’t want the next piece of your heart, Bridget.’
I recoil, stunned.
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘You don’t get it. You think this is just another relationship for me.’ I don’t give him a chance to confirm or deny it. ‘You’re wrong,’ I state. ‘I’ve never felt like this before. I really think this is it.’
‘And your blog?’
‘To hell with my blog! I’ll tear it down. I’m done with it. I’m never going to post another entry again, I swear. I don’t want to! It means nothing, Charlie. Not any more. You and April are the only things I care about.’
He averts his gaze, unconvinced.
‘Charlie,’ I plead. ‘What about last night?’
He looks tortured as he returns his eyes to me and whispers, ‘I’m just a man, Bridget.’
He might as well have slapped me.
‘So you can have sex with me but you can’t fall in love with me?’ I’m fighting not to raise my voice.
‘Argh, Bridget, it was the anniversary of Nicki’s death only two weeks ago!’ he snaps with frustration. ‘Surely you get that it’s too soon for me to start something new.’
‘I understand, of course I do, but—’
He cuts me off. ‘It’s not that I don’t have feelings for you, because I do, and obviously I’m attracted to you, but I need space to come to terms with everything. The best thing for April and me is to go home to Cornwall and try to get back to normal.’
He has my heart in his fist and he’s squeezing.
I knew it was too soon for him. I knew nothing could – should – ever happen here in Thailand. But it did. And now I have to live with it. As mistakes go, this one is catastrophic.
‘You need to put your head down, too,’ he says softly as my eyes fill with tears. It hurts so much. ‘This book is due in less than three months. We owe it to Nicki to do it right – and her family, too. Let’s see how things stand next year.’
‘But April will change so much in the next few months! I don’t want to go that long without seeing her!’
‘I’m sorry,’ he says, quietly. ‘But it won’t do her any good if you just drop in on her from time to time. She needs stability in her life right now.’
I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s resolute. Nothing I say will convince him. This is not our time.
I get up and walk out of the restaurant before I lose it.
They leave the next day, whereas I still have one more day to get through. It’s everything I can do not to cry as the boat draws away with April looking at me over her shoulder. I wave at her, and when she flops her little hand back and forth in an attempt to mimic my gesture, my heart shatters.
Whatever happens with Charlie, I know that I’ll do my best to pick myself up and glue back the pieces. I don’t believe that I’ll ever again love anyone else the way that I love him, but I will live.
But, if I never see April again, it’ll break me.
Turns out it wasn’t a man who had the last piece of my heart, after all.
It was a baby girl.