Moses
THERE WASN’T MUCH TO DO IN LEVAN unless you rode horses. Or four wheelers. Or enjoyed the great outdoors. Or had friends. Since I didn’t, on all accounts, I ended up watching Georgia more often than not. Sometimes I watched from an upstairs window, hoping she couldn’t see me. Sometimes I watched from Gi’s old deck as I sanded it down, giving me an excuse to surreptitiously track her as she worked with horses and people, day in and day out, usually in the big round corral. It seemed she’d picked up where her parents left off, doing the work they’d once done. And it suited her.
Her skin was tan and her hair bleached even blonder by the sun. Her body was long and lean—strong arms and legs and hands that were slim-fingered and firm on the reins. All of her was long . . . her hair, her legs, even her patience. She never seemed to lose her focus or her temper with the horses she worked with. She pushed and prodded and coaxed and wore them down. And she was wearing me down all over again. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She wasn’t the kind of girl who should ever have appealed to me. She wasn’t my type. It was the argument I’d had with myself when I’d come to Levan almost seven years ago and seen her, all grown up, laughing and riding and taunting me until I had to be close to her. She had focused in on me that summer, as if I was everything she had ever wanted. And that singular intensity had been my undoing.
Our son had that same quiet intensity. He often sat close by, perched on the fence, as if his spirit remembered the posture, though he had no physical form to make it necessary. He stared at his mother, at the horse she trained, and I wondered if Eli had come to visit his mother this way often. I wondered if the relationship between animal and woman, woman and child merged together in the quiet corral and created an oasis of comfort and peace that tamed all who entered there.
It was odd, seeing the woman and her child and knowing she was completely unaware that he was there with her, watching her, hovering over her like her own little guardian angel. I put down my tools and wandered over to watch her as she worked, wanting to be near her, to be near them, even if she would rather I stayed away.
When I climbed up on the fence near Eli, he didn’t seem to be aware of me, as if he was caught between worlds. But Georgia was aware of me, and she stiffened slightly, as if she considered running away, and then she straightened her back, and I knew she was telling herself that it was her “damn property and Moses can go to hell.” I could see it in the lift of her chin and the jerk of the rope in her hands. It made me smile. Luckily, she didn’t tell me to go to hell. She didn’t even tell me to leave.
So I sat, my eyes on the woman and the horse she wooed, but before too long, Eli’s memories became so loud, I had no choice but to listen in.
“How do horses talk, mommy?”
“They don’t talk, baby.”
“Then how do you know what he wants?”
“He wants the same things you want. He wants to play. He wants loves. He wants to eat and sleep and run.”
“And he doesn’t want to do his chores?”
“No. He doesn’t want to do his chores.”
I saw her face as if I was looking down at her from atop the horse, and she smiled up at me sweetly, laughter in her voice, her hand on my leg. Not my leg. Eli’s leg. Eli was showing me the memory. He must have been riding and Georgia must have been leading him around. The light was the same, sunset coloring the western hills, the corral bathed in a soft golden haze, the ground dappled with shadows and sunlight. I shook myself, trying to separate the scene in my head from the scene in front of me, but Eli wasn’t finished.
“Does Calico love me?”
“Of course!” Georgia laughed, but Eli was very serious.
“I love her too. But how do I tell her if she doesn’t talk?”
“You show her.”
“How do I show her? Do I make a big heart with my arms?” Eli curved his small arms in a shape that slightly resembled a smashed heart. He teetered a little in the saddle and Georgia reprimanded him gently.
“Hold on, son. And no. I don’t think Calico would understand if you made her a heart. You show her you love her by how you treat her. You take care of her. You spend time with her.”
“Should I pet her a lot?”
“That would be good.”
“Should I bring her apples to eat? She likes carrots too.”
“Not too many. You don’t want to make her love sick.”
“Moses!”
Georgia stood below me, her hands clinging to my legs as if to keep me on the fence, and I was teetering the way Eli had when he raised his arms to make a heart. I gripped the nearby post and slid down inside the corral, my body brushing against Georgia as I did. We both jumped, but neither of us gave ground. The horse she was working with, Cuss, had strolled to the other side of the corral, and we were alone. Alone with the sunset and the horses and Eli’s memories.
“Holy crap! Don’t do that! I thought you were going down!” Her face was so close I could see the specks of gold in her brown eyes and the little groove between her brows that indicated her concern. I stared too long and watched as the groove of concern became a scowl.
“Moses?” she asked doubtfully.
I lifted my eyes from her face and saw Eli, still perched on the fence, his curls lifting in the soft breeze as if the wind knew he was there and welcomed him home.
“He’s here, Georgia. And when he’s near, I kind of get lost in him.”
Georgia jumped back as if I’d produced a snake and offered it to her. But her eyes scanned the nearby area as if she couldn’t quite help herself.
“Thank you for not letting me fall,” I added softly. I felt disoriented, still feeling the dizzying effects of being in two places at once. Eli’s memories carried me away completely, and returning to the present was jarring. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, the little windows into his life, so complete yet so insufficient. I wanted to stay in his head all day. I wondered suddenly if horses and girls spoke the same love language, and I knew instinctively that Eli was trying to help me with Georgia, telling me how to woo her.
“Is he still here?” Georgia asked, interrupting my thoughts.
She didn’t have to tell me who ‘he’ was, but her question took me by surprise. I didn’t know when she’d started believing me, but I wasn’t going to argue about it. I looked back where Eli had been perched and discovered that he was gone. He had the attention span that was probably typical of a four-year-old, and he flitted in and out without warning. I shook my head.
“No.”
Georgia almost looked disappointed. She gazed beyond me, past the corral to the hills that squatted west of Levan. And then she surprised the hell out of me.
“I wish I had your gift. Just for one day,” she whispered. “You can see him. And I’ll never see him again.”
“A gift?” I choked. “I’ve never thought of it as a gift. Not ever,” I protested. “Not once.”
Georgia nodded, and I knew she hadn’t considered it a gift either. Not until now. In fact, she hadn’t ever known what to think. I’d guarded my secret and let her believe I was crazy. Deranged even. The fact that she now seemed to believe me, at least to some extent, made me giddy and nauseated all at once. And I owed her as much honesty as I could give her.
“For the first time in my life, I’m grateful that I can part the waters. That’s what Gi called it, parting the waters. I’m grateful, because it’s all I’m going to get. This is all Eli and I get. You got four years, Georgia, and this is all I get.” I didn’t say it angrily. I wasn’t angry. But she wasn’t the only one who was suffering, and sometimes there is comfort in the knowledge that you don’t suffer alone, sad as that is.
Georgia bit her lip, flinching, and I knew what I was saying wasn’t easy to hear.
“Do you remember that girl I painted on the underpass?” I said, trying to be as gentle as I could and still explain.“Yeah.” Georgia nodded. “Molly Taggert. She was just a few years older than I am. They found her, you know. Not long after you left town. Someone killed her.”
I nodded too. “I know. She was Tag’s sister.”
Georgia’s eyes widened, and she stiffened abruptly, as if she had suddenly put it all together. But I didn’t want to talk about Molly. Not right now. And I needed her to listen. I reached out and tilted her chin toward me, making sure she heard. “But you know what? I don’t see Molly anymore. She came . . . and she went. That’s how it is every time. Nobody hangs around very long. And one day, Eli will go too.”
Georgia flinched again, and her eyes filled with tears that she valiantly tried to hold back. We stood there, neither one speaking, each of us battling the emotion that had buffeted us from the moment our eyes met in a crowded elevator nearly a month before. Georgia was the first to give, and her voice shook as she gave me honesty in return.
“I cry every day. Do you know that? I cry every damn day. I never used to cry. Now, not a day goes by that I don’t find myself in tears. Sometimes I hide in the closet so I can pretend it isn’t happening again. One day, I’m going to have a day when I don’t cry, and part of me thinks that will be the worst day of all. Because he will truly be slipping away.”
“I never used to cry either.”
She waited.
“In fact, that was the first time.”
“The first time?”
“Out there, in the field. The first time I remember crying . . . over anything, ever.” I’d pulled the waters down to make it all stop, to hide the image of Georgia’s horrified face screaming Eli’s name, and for the first time, the waters had spilled from my eyes.
Georgia gasped, and I looked away from her incredulous face, and felt the waters tremble and shift inside me and start to rise again. What was happening to me?
“You think your tears keep him close?” I whispered.
“My tears mean I’m thinking about him,” she whispered back, still standing so close to me I could have leaned forward and kissed her without taking a single step.
“But all your memories can’t be sad. None of his are. And you’re the only thing he thinks about.”
“I am?”
“Well, you and Calico. And Stewy Stinker.” She laughed, a wet hiccup that she swallowed back. She stepped back abruptly, and I knew she was getting ready to pull away.
“So do what you used to do. When you need to cry, do what you used to do.” There was a desperate note in my voice.
“What?” Georgia asked.
“Give me five greats, Georgia.”
She winced. “Damn you, Moses.”
“I’ve been thinking about it since you told me Eli was showing me his favorite things. You would be surprised how many times I caught myself making little lists of good things over the last seven years. And it was all your fault.”
“I was such a pain in the ass, wasn’t I?” She laughed again, but there wasn’t much mirth in the short expulsion of air. “I drove you nuts. Buzzing around you like I had it all figured out. I didn’t know anything. And you knew I didn’t know anything. But you liked me anyway.”
“Who says I liked you?”
She chuckled, remembering the conversation from the long ago day by the fence.
“Your eyes said you liked me,” she answered bluntly, the way she would have once. And then she nervously tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear like she couldn’t believe she was flirting with me.
“Come on. Five greats.”
“Okay. Um. Man, it’s been a long time.” She was silent for a minute. I could tell she was really searching. She rubbed her palms against her jeans, as if she was trying to wipe away the discomfort that was written all over her face, all over her body.
“Soap.”
“Okay.” I tried not to smile. It was such a random item. “Soap. What else?”
“Mountain Dew . . . with ice and a straw.”
“This is pathetic,” I teased softly, trying to goad her into a smile. She did smile a little, just a twist of her lips, but she stopped rubbing her hands.
“Socks. Cowboy boots without socks would suck,” she announced, a little more confidently.
“I wouldn’t know. But yeah. I can see that,” I agreed, nodding.
“That’s five,” she said.
“We aren’t counting ice and straws. They came with the Mountain Dew. Come on. Two more.”
She didn’t argue about the disqualification of two of her “Five Greats,” but she was silent for a long time. I waited, wondering if she was done playing. Then she took a deep breath, looked at her hands, and whispered, “Forgiveness.”
A burning ache rose in my throat that was both foreign and instantly familiar.
“Yours . . . or mine?” I asked, needing to know. I held my breath, trying to hold back my emotion and watched as she tucked her hands in her pockets and seemed to gather her courage.
“Both,” she answered. With a deep inhale, she met my gaze. “Will you forgive me, Moses?”
Maybe she was seeking forgiveness for Eli because she hadn’t yet forgiven herself. But I didn’t blame her for Eli, I loved her for Eli, and I wanted to tell her there was nothing to forgive. But that wouldn’t be the truth either, because I had other things to forgive. No one had ever wanted me, starting from the day I was born. But Georgia had wanted me. And because she had wanted me when no one else did, I had immediately been suspicious. I had immediately distrusted her. And I had always held it against her.
“I forgive you, Georgia. Can you forgive me?”
Georgia nodded, even before I finished asking. “I already have. I didn’t realize it. But I’ve had a lot of time to think over these last couple of weeks. I think I forgave you the moment I saw Eli. The moment he was born. He was such a work of art. Such a little masterpiece. And you created him. We created him. How could I not love you, even just a little bit, when I saw him?”
I didn’t trust myself to speak. So I nodded, accepting her forgiveness. And she smiled. I was too emotionally raw to smile back, afraid that parting my lips, even just a little bit, would re-open all my old cracks. So I touched her cheek, softly, gratefully, and let my hand fall back to my side.
“That’s five greats then, Moses,” she said. “Your forgiveness. And mine.”
Moses
I DIDN’T LET THAT FORGIVENESS go to waste. I brought flowers. I fixed dinner and bought cupcakes. And I kept drawing pictures. Not hearts, but pictures. I didn’t think hearts were subtle enough. Georgia’s parents were gone, which made it easier, and three evenings in a row, I found myself at her front door. And she always let me in. I didn’t stay as long as I wanted. I didn’t kiss her. But she let me in. And that was all I could ask for.
I’d gotten her permission to draw a mural in the indoor arena that had been added onto the barn. In the winter, all her therapy sessions and classes would be held there, and I wanted it done before the weather turned. The mural was similar to the mural on her bedroom walls. Georgia said her work was about transformation, and she thought the story of the blind man freeing himself through the use of the horse was perfect for what she and her parents did.
I was bent over, mixing paint when Georgia slid up behind me and thwacked my rear end, hard, causing me to lurch and sloshing paint on my shoe.
“Did you just slap my ass?” I rubbed at it, completely offended, more than a little surprised.
“It was in my way. And it’s kinda hard not to look at.”
“It is? Why?” My incredulous voice squeaked in a very unmanly way. Eli was watching us, his little shoulders hunched, his hand covering his mouth like he was laughing. I wished I could hear him. I wanted to slap Georgia’s butt right back, but thought maybe this whole interplay wasn’t really appropriate for my son to watch—and the thought made my heart turn in my chest.
“It’s a great-looking ass. That’s why,” Georgia didn’t sound particularly happy about it, honestly. But she sounded like herself, like the Georgia who was a little wild, more than a little blunt, and full of life.
“It is?”
“Don’t sound so surprised. I love the way you look. I never could resist you. You were like crack to me.”
“Your own little crack baby?” I grinned, thrilled that she couldn’t resist me, and that she was admitting it.
I had a sudden image of Georgia tickling Eli as he howled with laughter, trying to get away from her. He managed to squirm free, but came right back and went on the attack, concentrating his little fingers on her rounded behind as she fled. She shrieked as loud as he had done, swatting at his pinching hands.
“Stop, you little stink! My butt is ticklish!”
Eli wrapped his arms around her waist and sank his teeth into her left butt cheek, which was right at eye level, and Georgia screamed and laughed, flopping onto her bed, yanking him up by his armpits, until she had him locked in her arms. His face was flushed with laughter, his curls floating with static electricity, as they giggled and tickled, each trying to gain the upper hand. Georgia tried to be serious once, saying, “You cannot bite my butt, Eli, it isn’t appropriate,” in a very stern voice, but they both collapsed back into snorts of laughter almost immediately.
“Moses? You’re doing it again,” Georgia said, mildly.
I looked back at her, the memory Eli had shared leaving a smile on my face.
“You’re spacing off. Day dreaming again.”
“I was thinking about your ass,” I responded, truthfully. I walked toward her, ignoring my dancing angel boy who trotted along beside me.
She laughed right out loud, and I caught her around the waist with one arm and began to tickle her in earnest.
Eli had the best ideas.
We fell over in the straw piled against the wall separating the barn from the arena, and Georgia fought back, squealing, trying to tickle me too. But I wasn’t especially ticklish, and before long I had her breathless and begging, shouting my name. It was the best sound in the world, and it definitely didn’t make me feel like laughing.
“Please, stop!” she shouted, clinging to my hands. There was straw in her hair, straw in my hair, and we were flushed and untucked and generally looked like we’d been up to a lot more than tickling when her dad came strolling through the barn.
Well, shit.
The look on his face had me dropping my hands and stepping away, recognizing the fury stamped all over his features for exactly what it was. I was in trouble—even Eli fled in terror, there one minute, gone the next, the warm stream connecting us suddenly dried up. Georgia’s back was to her father, and when my hands dropped she stumbled a little, grabbing at me. I gently set her aside, but I let her father come without protest or warning.
I didn’t even lift my hands. I could have. I could have easily dodged the clumsy fist that connected with my jaw, but I took it. Because I deserved it.
“Dad!” Georgia shoved herself up between us. “Dad! Don’t!”
He ignored her and stared into my eyes, his chest heaving, his mouth hard, his hand shaking as he pointed at me.
“Not again, Moses. We let you in. You ransacked the house. And worse, there were casualties. This isn’t happening again.”
He looked at Georgia then, and the look of disappointment he leveled at her was far worse than the anger he’d directed at me. “You’re a woman, Georgia. Not a child. You can’t act like this anymore.”
She deflated right before my eyes.
“You hit me all you want, Mr. Shepherd. I had that coming. But don’t talk to Georgia that way. Or I’ll kick your ass.”
“Moses!” Georgia’s eyes flashed, and her spine was straight again. Good. She could be angry at me. Anger was better than defeat.
“You think you can come in here and get away with murder again? You think you can just get away with it?” Martin Shepherd said, outrage making his voice hoarse.
“None of us are the same people we used to be, Mr. Shepherd. I was one of those casualties, too. And I didn’t get away with anything. Neither Georgia nor I got away with a damn thing. We’ve paid. Just like you’ve paid. And we’ll all keep on paying.”
He turned in disgust, but I saw his lips tremble, and I felt bad for the man. I wouldn’t like me if I were him. But it was better that we air it out.
“Mr. Shepherd?” I said softly. He didn’t stop. I thought about what Georgia had given me. I thought about the five greats. About forgiveness. And I passed it along.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Shepherd. I am. And I hope someday you can forgive me.”
Georgia’s dad missed a step, stumbled, and stopped. There was something powerful about that word.
“I hope you can forgive me. Because this is happening. Me and Georgia. This is happening.”