CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX - CAROLINE

Days passed after I took the test and still, the results hadn’t come in. I was growing more and more frustrated with each passing day and I knew Dean was feeling it too. It was hard to sit back and wait when Daniel was deteriorating before our eyes. Every day, he seemed to get worse and every day, we hoped for good news.

I spent most of my time with Dean. The art gallery I worked at gave me time off while this entire ordeal unfolded. I’d worked there for years, so they knew I was a good employee. They understood and told me to take as much time as I needed. Still, it wasn’t enough. Just being with Dean through this wasn’t enough. I wanted to do more. I had to do more.

On Wednesday morning, I found myself sitting beside Daniel’s bed with Dean’s hand in mine. This had become our usual routine. Most days were spent here, at the hospital, just spending as much time with Daniel as possible. I tried to give Dean alone time with his brother but he always insisted I stay. His grip on my hand told me he needed me there, that I was helping hold him together.

While we sat together that morning, Daniel drifted in and out of sleep, his eyes constantly fluttering with exhaustion. It was clear that he was running out of time.

Dean and I were more together than ever. Our love lasted through seven years of separation and now, I never wanted to be apart again. He made me feel stronger and more myself than anyone ever had. Just his presence was an inspiration to me. Watching his face contort in pain every time Daniel flinched was enough to break my heart. Dean loved his brother so much and it was killing him to not be able to help.

As we sat there, Dean’s mom joined us silently. I glanced at her with narrowed eyes, trying to discern whether she was drunk or sober. I was surprised to see her eyes were clear, no sign of alcohol in her system. The sight made me happy and I sighed with relief. I knew another drunken escapade was the last thing Dean needed from his mother right now. Dean didn’t speak to her when she walked into the room. He didn’t even look up to acknowledge her presence.

He was angry with her, that much I knew, but I hated to see them this way. Daniel was suffering and so were they. This was the time for their family to come together, to put aside their issues and really support each other. I couldn’t imagine everything Teresa put her sons through but I hated to see them so distant now, in the middle of everything.

The four of us sat in that hospital room for a few hours, no one speaking, until Dr. Henfield stepped into the room. He cleared his throat, pulling our attention to him and waking Daniel in the process. Daniel’s eyes opened and he tried to sit up but he didn’t have enough strength to do so.

“Don’t sit up,” Dr. Henfield said kindly. “I just came to give Caroline her test results.”

“You have them?” I asked, flying out of my chair. Dr. Henfield nodded and I stepped forward, my hand outstretched.

He handed me the envelope and I tore it open, my eyes already scanning the paper. As I read the words in front of me, my heart swelled. I felt happy and relieved, full of a joy I didn’t know I could possess.

“Well?” Dean asked, his eyes searching my face.

I grinned and look between him and Daniel. “I’m a match,” I said. “I’m a match!”

Daniel breathed heavily and sunk back against his pillows. There was a faint smile on his face but mostly, he just looked tired. When I turned to face Dean, he was staring at me with wide-eyed awe. I could see the wheels turning in his head. There was so much we both needed to say but right now, it wasn’t the time.

I turned my head to Teresa. She was staring at me like I was the savior she’d been praying for. Her eyes were brimmed with tears. She was silent, waiting for me to speak.

“I’ll leave you alone to discuss this,” Dr. Henfield said softly. “I’ll be in my office.”

With that, he left the room and pulled the door closed behind him. I didn’t know what he meant. What was there to discuss? This was a good thing. An amazing thing! I was a match! I could donate my kidney to Daniel. I could save his life!

“Caroline,” Dean said, taking a step toward me. “You don’t have to do anything. These results don’t obligate you.”

“What?” I asked, blinking in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“He’s right,” Daniel said from his bed. “Just because you’re a match, that doesn’t mean you have to donate. This is still your decision. Please, know that.”

I looked from Daniel to Dean, then to Teresa. They were all looking at me with the same expression: hope mixed with fear and resignation. In that moment, I realized what the problem was. They didn’t want to pressure me, to make me feel like I had to do something I didn’t really want to do. When that realization hit me, I couldn’t help but laugh.

I laughed and shook my head in disbelief. I locked eyes with Dean.

“I’m doing this,” I said. “No one is making me. I’m doing it.”

“Teresa,” I said, turning to face her. “Would you please tell Dr. Henfield to schedule the transplant?”

“Are you sure?” Teresa asked softly.

“I’m sure,” I said with a smile. “Please, go tell him.”

Teresa smiled and tears spilled from her eyes. She threw herself into my arms, hugging me tightly and then running from the room. I could hear her sniffling all the way down the hall.

“Caroline,” Dean said, putting his hand on my back. “Maybe we should talk about this a little bit.”

I smiled and stood on my tiptoes, pressing my lips to his. I kissed him long and hard, not caring that his little brother was watching us. When I pulled away, the smile was still on my face.

“I’m doing this,” I said simply. “How could I not?”

Dean nodded but he still didn’t look convinced. There was pain in his eyes that told me he was more conflicted than he’d ever been. He loved me and didn’t want me to put myself at risk but he also loved his brother. I couldn’t imagine how hard this must have been for him but it wasn’t hard for me. It wasn’t even a consideration.

“Hey man,” Daniel said. “Can I get a minute alone with Caroline?”

Dean looked from Daniel to me and then nodded slowly. He still hadn’t spoken and as I watched him leave the room, I longed to go after him. I wanted him to understand that I was doing this not just for Daniel, but for him. Because I loved him.

He slipped out of the room and pulled the door closed behind him. With a smile, I turned to Daniel. He held out his hand to me and I took it, moving to his side.

“Listen,” Daniel said. “I know you and I don’t know each other that well—”

“Please tell me you aren’t going to try and talk me out of this,” I said.

“Just listen,” Daniel said. I nodded. “I know how much you love Dean; I’ve seen it. I saw it seven years ago, and I see it now. But you don’t have to do this for him or for me. This is a big deal, Caroline. It’s not like getting your tonsils out, OK? This surgery has risks. It’s a huge fucking deal, and if you aren’t sure.”

He paused, his eyes searching my face. For the first time since I got the results, I let myself truly think about things.

I frowned and sat down, my head suddenly spinning with all the risks. Daniel was right. This wasn’t a small surgery and if something went wrong, my life would be changed forever.

In that moment, I felt a surge of nervous energy wash over me. Fear settled into my chest and for the briefest of moment, I doubted my decision. I wondered if it made sense to donate a kidney to Daniel, if I was putting myself at risk by doing so.

The moment only lasted for a second, and then it was gone. The fear and anxiety were still there, and I knew they would be until the surgery was over, but I also knew what I wanted to do.

With a smile, I reached forward and took Daniel’s hand again. His eyes were locked on mine and I smiled at him kindly.

“I know I don’t have to do this,” I said. “But, I want to. I want to do this for you and for Dean and for your mom. I can’t just sit back and watch you die, not when I have the power to help you. This is what I want to do, Daniel. It really is.”

The smile Daniel gave me was radiant. He laughed out loud and nodded, relief flooding his features. He could finally breathe again. I laughed with him and squeezed his hand, sitting with him until Dean and Teresa returned.

“I told Dr. Henfield,” Teresa said. Dean walked over and sank into his chair beside me. “He said the surgery should be as soon as possible.”

“Great,” I said with a nod. “When?”

“He’s going to get started running some additional tests on you to make sure that you are healthy enough for surgery, and if it all comes back ok, he wants to do it tomorrow morning,” Teresa said.

Another surge of nerves washed over me but I smiled, turning to Dean and pressing my lips against his. He smiled and kissed me back, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I was scared and I knew he was too but our happiness far outweighed our fear.