Lottie pushed down an urge to turn at her front door and walk straight back out again. It was like living with three adults who insisted on acting like two-year-olds. They crowded out her four-bedroomed semi-detached house and overwhelmed her with tasks after work each evening. But she loved them. And she needed them more than they would ever know. They kept her grounded in brightness and helped keep the darkness of her job outside her front door.

This evening, though, she needed a drink. No, she thought. Not yet.

Hauling the bag of groceries onto the counter, she began putting the supplies in the cupboards. It looked like her mother hadn’t been in today. The kitchen was a mess. Working, trying to manage the house, watching the children… it was too much. Leaning her head against the cupboard door, she banged a tin of beans down on the counter without hearing the noise she was making. And banged it again.

‘Mam!’ Katie ran in. ‘What do you think you’re doing? You woke up Louis. I’ll have to rock him for another hour to get him asleep again.’

‘I told you not to get into the habit of rocking him.’

‘I’m so tired… Anything that gets him to sleep is fine by me.’

Lottie shoved a jar of curry sauce and two packets of soup into the cupboard. There were three soups in there already. She automatically checked the use-by dates. Two years out of date. What the hell?

‘Are you listening to me, Mam?’

Lottie turned round. Her eyes glazed over, and without knowing what she was doing, she flung the packets to the floor.

‘Jesus, Mam. Stop. What’s wrong with you?’

Lottie squinted over at her daughter. ‘Katie?’

‘I’m getting Chloe.’ Katie flew out of the kitchen.

A black shadow crept across Lottie’s vision. She clutched for the counter top but her legs slipped out from under her and she slid to the ground. Tipping back her head, she gulped for air. Couldn’t catch her breath.

‘Katie…’

Breathe, she warned herself. Breathe. She was no use to her kids dead. Unable to catch hold of a breath, she saw black stars swim in front of her eyes. Then darkness.

---

When she opened her eyes, for a moment she didn’t know where she was. She pulled her legs underneath her and knelt up. At last she could draw breath. Her hands. What was on her hands? She looked around. The floor was covered in powder. The soup packets had burst open. It was splattered everywhere. Had she done that? Of course she had. Mad, mad woman!

In that moment, she didn’t care how many resolutions she had made; she needed a drink.

Katie rushed in, Louis in her arms.

‘Mam, there’s something wrong with you. Are you drunk?’

‘No, I’m just exhausted.’

‘I can’t stand living here. Do you know that? I’m going to have to leave. I don’t care what you say. I have to get out of this house.’

‘Don’t be stupid. Where can you go? You’ve no money. And it’s raining.’ Lottie wondered who was talking. Surely it wasn’t her?

‘My son has a grandad.’

‘What? Tom Rickard? Don’t be daft, Katie.’

‘Mam, we need to talk.’ Katie sat herself at the table.

Lottie dragged herself over and sat down. ‘Tom Rickard doesn’t know about Louis.’

‘I traced him. Emailed him. And he wants to see his grandson. You can’t cope with us all here, so in a few weeks I’m going to take Louis to visit him.’

‘After all I’ve done for you and little Louis! I’ve been so worried about you. You can’t just up and leave.’

‘It will only be for a holiday. Nothing’s finalised. I just sent a few emails.’

‘Louis is too young.’

‘No he’s not. I’ve applied for his passport.

‘You can’t do that.’

‘I can. I did. Mam, we need a break from each other. I need a few weeks away. You need the space too.’

Lottie felt her mouth opening and closing. No words came out. Only a few minutes ago she’d been half wishing them out of the house, and now she didn’t know what was going on. Be careful what you wish for. Sure.