“Okay Abbie, you need this. It’s time to join the land of the living. No time like the present, yadda, yadda, yadda. Baby steps.” My phone rattled in my pocket and I checked the screen. It was another picture text from Cameron. I silenced it, unwilling to look at it until I was safely behind closed doors. They’d started a week ago in lieu of the texts and calls I wasn’t replying to. It was his way of letting me know he was still there. It had only been a few days since Bree’s wedding and I still couldn’t shake the anger so I found a distraction.
Rushing down the street toward the pub, I faintly heard my name called. Bennie sat next to the cigar shop entrance and waved at me from his seat on the sidewalk. Wrapped in a filthy black coat, he had several blankets piled on his lap. Guilty tears threatened as I made my way toward him and crouched down to greet him.
“Bennie, hi. How are you?”
“I’m keeping on, Abbie. I’ve been missing you.”
He looked terrible. It was obvious winter had done a number on him. His face was cracked, and his lips were peeling. My heart plummeted as I thought of how many weeks I’d missed seeing him at the café.
“Oh, Bennie, I’m so sorry,” I said digging through my purse for my wallet and grabbing every bill I had. He stilled my hands.
“I said I’ve been missing you, Abbie, not your money.”
“I know,” I said with a wobbling chin. “I know Bennie.” I held out several bills toward him. “Please take it.”
“I only take what I need, and you know that ain’t much. I’ve been okay. Staying at the church most cold nights. That Cameron man comes to see me every week. Gives me food and blankets and plenty of money for dates.”
My throat filled as my eyes watered. I’d forgotten Bennie. In my heartbreak, I’d completely abandoned him, but Cameron hadn’t.
“He looks as sad as you. I think he’s on the sauce.”
“The sauce?”
“Drinking a little bit. I see him all the time.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. Saw him not too long ago today.”
“Really?” I cleared the burn in my throat and looked over Bennie. “Please just take a little money,” I insisted, folding a couple of twenties and pushing them into his calloused hand.
“Thank you, Abbie.”
“Bennie, I’ll be there this week. I promise.”
“Abbie,” he said sternly. “Nothing to feel guilty for. You don’t have to promise me anything. I’m always going to be alright.”
“Are you still taking your meds?”
Bennie lowered his eyes as I challenged him. “Bennie?”
“I’ll go see Bree first thing tomorrow.”
“You need those meds, Bennie.”
“I know. I know.”
Bennie had HIV. He confessed to me weeks after I met him. He met and married his wife a few years prior to finding out. She miraculously hadn’t been infected, but upon hearing his diagnosis she cleaned out his life, kicked him out of his home and left him to fend for himself.
The problem was he was too sick to help himself at the time and ended up selling everything he had to try to survive. Eventually, he was left with nothing.
Bree had taken it upon herself to get him enrolled in a program to keep him supplied with the HIV cocktail. He wasn’t religious about taking it and it was clear by the way he was wasting away beneath the blankets. Everything about his situation shocked me to my core. And I hated that he had given up.
“Bennie, I’m going to get you a cab. I’ll pay for it. You get to Bree. She’s at work right now. I’ll text her and tell her you’re on your way, okay?”
“Abbie, I’m fine.”
“Bennie, please?” He stayed silent, his eyes weary. “Please?”
“Okay.”
Bennie gathered his things as I hailed a cab and spoke to the driver. I stood at the door while he piled into the cab and the driver gave me a side eye. I ignored it as Bennie grabbed the handle and looked up at me with his signature toothless grin.
“Abbie, you are good people.”
“Bennie, you go right to the hospital, promise me.”
“I promise.”
“See you Saturday.” I shut the door and the cab driver sped away.
After shooting off a quick text to Bree, I rushed into the pub and wandered through the small happy hour crowd until I heard my name. “Abbie?”
“Terry?”
“Yes,” we both said in unison. We shook hands before I joined him at the cocktail table where he stood. He was handsome—in a silver fox sort of way—and had soft brown eyes.
“Sorry I’m late. I missed the train and had to take a cab,” I offered knowing I was making a shitty first impression.
“It’s fine, it’s good to finally meet you,” he said taking my coat and hanging it on the chair behind me as I took a seat. “I’m glad you could make it on such short notice.”
“Me too. I’ve been anxious to meet you as well.”
I swore I heard a mottled scoff behind me. “I’m not sure about this place. I haven’t been here in years, it was the first bar I could think of in the neighborhood when you called me.” That was a lie, but I wasn’t about to take him anywhere near the bars Cameron and I frequented on Milwaukee.
“It’s fine. I used to live in this neighborhood years ago.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I had a place just down the street. Are you new to the area?”
“No, I’ve been here a since I graduated from Northwestern. I live just down the street in a three-flat right across from Wicker, the dog park side.”
“What a coincidence I was of the park as well.”
“Small world,” I said.
“Yes, it is,” he agreed.
“Are you going to ask her sign next?”
Neither Terry nor I had said it and in searching for the source, I looked behind me and saw a set of stairs. My phone buzzed on the table and I hit ignore before I spoke.
“Anyway, it’s great to finally meet you. I’ve been reading up, and I have to say I’m impressed with your bio.”
Terry grinned. “Thanks. I’m just going to admit now, I’m kind of nervous about this whole thing, I wanted you to know you’re my first. You’ll have to guide me through this.”
I sat up straight on my stool. “I’m an old pro at this point, I’ll take care of you. I promise.”
“Good to hear, I’ve been anxious to have a more in-depth conversation other than online and phone calls. Let me buy you a drink.” He motioned for the bartender and that was when I saw Cameron appear from a table just behind the small staircase.
“And old pro huh? Funny, I got a different impression.” A slight slur accompanied his words as he came into full view.
My chest screamed as I got a whiff of his cologne. He was dressed in his well-fitted suit and wool trench coat. My lips parted when he glanced my way, his eyes full of fire and accusation. I went pale as he slid out a free chair at our table and leaned in on it. Terry drew confused brows as I stood, momentarily speechless.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Cameron who was slightly disheveled, his tie loose at his collar. His hair looked like he’d been running fingers through it and hadn’t shaved in days. A shadow coasted along his features as I sank back in my seat, my insides coming apart at his nearness.
Cameron went on, his gaze lingering on me before he addressed Terry. “I couldn’t help overhearing and I’m sorry for the interruption.” He spoke that time with a definite slur. “But I’m in need of an opinion.”
“Please don’t,” I said leaning in on a whisper. My whole body jerked when his green eyes flew to mine. “Hi.”
It took every bit of my willpower not to cry.
“Humor me, please,” he asked, his attention back on Terry. He was intimidating as he loomed over the table, his jaw ticking, his posture stone. “For the sake of argument, I would love to run a scenario by you and then I’ll let you continue your time with this stinging woman.”
“You mean stunning?” Terry said seeming to clue himself in on the situation by the amount of a tension in the air. Though I was mortified he seemed oddly amused as his eyes flicked between Cameron and me. “So, what do you say . . .?”
“Terry,” he offered.
“Terry, thank you Terry, nice to meet you,” he said as he nearly tripped over the leg of the chair making himself at home before extending his hand. Terry took it and they shook across the space.
“Cameron,” I said on a bark, “this isn’t an appropriate time.”
He ignored me completely. “Just hear me out,” he said to Terry.
“Let’s hear him out Abbie,” Terry said with a wink my way. I cringed. Cameron’s eyes flared, but he went on.
“Let’s say you met this stunning woman, and you agree to take things slow, but there are rules.”
“I’m following,” Terry said crossing his arms.
“Nice suit,” Cameron remarked.
“Armani,” Terry said.
“Of course,” Cameron said dryly. “Anyway, the rules are that you both have to leave your baggage at the door. No personal history, no ex talks whatsoever.”
“Okay,” Terry said.
“And let’s say this woman was so beautiful, so engaging that you couldn’t resist giving into her demands, that you would channel the patience of fucking Job for a chance to get to know her, because trust me, you’d need the patience of God’s forsaken to get to her.”
“Cameron,” I grit out.
“But maybe in this scenario,” he said taking a long pull of his drink, “you’re in a type of prison.”
“Prison?” Terry asked as I white-knuckled the edge of the table.
“Yes, a living hell, one you can’t see your way out of. And then this woman smiles at you, and you think to yourself, ‘maybe I’m not one of God’s forsaken’. Maybe, just maybe, life’s worth living.”
“That good?” Terry asked.
“Better than you can ever imagine,” Cameron said tossing back a piece of ice from his glass and crunching it obnoxiously. “Infinitely better.”
I pressed my lips together to keep my chin from wobbling.
“Okay,” Terry said. “But you can’t tell her that?”
“About the prison? Oh, no,” Cameron said as a cross smile graced his face and he shook his head at Terry with wide eyes. “Her rules.”
“Terry, we should go,” I said standing.
“I’m almost finished,” Cameron said his voice so raw I couldn’t look away. He continued to speak with our eyes locked.
“And maybe you fall in love with her, and she’s the closest goddamn thing to perfect you’ve ever known. Your secrets are killing you, but your happiness is finally there, it’s finally there to the point you can touch it, taste it, you can see life differently with her.”
“Is this woman happy too?” Terry asked looking pointedly at me. I pressed my lips together.
“Oh definitely. Things are so good, neither of you can imagine life without the other.” His voice cracked slightly with his words.
“Please,” I pleaded softly, and neither of them heard over the noise of the crowd. Cameron had sent a picture every day.
The first was a shot of us on the Skydeck and the ones that followed devastated me. The two of us after a run in the woods, in the limo before the dance, for some reason that one hurt the most. I was kissing his cheek, eyes closed as he smiled for the camera.
I’d saved them all but couldn’t bring myself to text back. He’d documented almost every one of our days together and was tearing me apart with the reminders of just how good things were.
“But the rules,” Terry said following Cameron’s lead, snapping us both out of our daze.
“Yes,” Cameron lifted his glass. “The goddamned rules. The thing is, you realize later that those rules were there for her, not you. But you followed them, because you knew she needed it, just as much as you needed her.”
Terry played along. “And this prison? Do you get out?”
Cameron tossed back the rest of his drink. “Let’s say she freed you the minute you touched her.”
Tears finally escaped as I tore my eyes away from Cameron to silently plead with Terry. He glanced my way before he spoke.
“She’s upset, Cameron. Have you made your point?”
“I’m not sure, but tell me, Terry, just look at her. When you found her on Match.com did you ever dream you’d find such a stunning woman?”
“Stop,” I said pleading with him. “Please stop.”
Cameron leaned in. “She’s one of the good ones, inside and out. A real game changer. Have you ever been the bad guy, Terry? I have, I am and it’s a sick feeling.”
“Can’t say I didn’t have a bit of a heyday when I was younger.”
Cameron smirked, his eyes emerald and ice. “Yes, definitely a heyday as you’re what, now, sixty?”
“Damn it, Cameron,” I snapped.
“Forty-eight,” Terry chuckled taking zero offense.
“Playing it safe aren’t you Abbie?” He said, his voice cracking as he turned to me.
“Terry,” I pleaded. “I took the liberty of making us dinner reservations. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all,” he answered.
“We should probably go,” I said just as Cameron smacked his palm on the table commanding our attention.
An ill feeling crept over me as my mind wandered back to Luke.
“Romance is dead, she thinks it’s dead, did you know that, Terry?”
“And what do you think?” he replied.
“I think,” Cameron swallowed, “I think people are afraid of it, but I have proof it still exists.”
“Really?” Terry said, more concerned for me than amused at that point.
“Nothing beats a picture,” Cameron said softly
I spoke up then. “My mother takes pictures. She says that there’s always more to the story.”
“Oh, there’s more,” Cameron said as his hard eyes swept me. “So much more,” he rasped out, his features softening. Can you sleep?” He croaked. “Baby, I’m not sleeping.”
Terry stood. “I’ll get us a cab.”
I nodded. “Please.”
“Of course, I’ve taken enough of your time,” Cameron said keeping his eyes glued to mine.
“It’s nice to meet you, Cameron,” Terry said. “Good luck to you. Abbie, I’m going to step outside.”
“Thank you,” I said as Terry grabbed his coat draping it over his arm and wordlessly asking my permission to leave me alone with him. I nodded and turned to Cameron as a thousand emotions ran through his features.
“Do we mean anything to you at all?”
“Don’t act like I wasn’t there,” I said defensively “I was there.”
“Are you going to fuck him?” He snapped, his fists clenching on the table. I moved to leave, and he caught me by the hand. “I’m sorry, but I can’t handle knowing he might want to and you might let him. Jesus, Abbie, are you going to let him touch you?” He broke then as I watched, paralyzed by it. “What are you doing with him?” he asked, the desperation in his voice breaking me. “I love you.”
“I’m not with him, Cameron, I’m not with anyone.”
“I’m still there, where we were,” he whispered softly. “You’re in my veins, Abbie. You should know that. I’ll never stop loving you.”
Through the large window, I watched Terry hail a cab.
“Look at me,” he whispered. “This is me at my worst. Please don’t do this to us.”
“I didn’t do this.”
“You’re right. I did. Love me anyway.”
I do.
“Cameron, where is Max?”
“He’s here,” he said motioning over his shoulder. I spotted Max ordering a drink at the bar, his eyes on our table. I hadn’t even noticed him walk in.
“Abbie,” Cameron pleaded, “please talk to me.”
I looked at the love of my life and got lost in the beautiful plains of his face, the angle of his jaw, the jade of his eyes. He was the same man I fell for, but nothing made sense. We’d been torn apart by truth and lies. “I have to go.”
He reached out to touch me, and I flinched.
“I’m still angry, Cameron.” In a shaky voice, I let a little of it take over. It was the only thing saving me from fraying. “I worked with her, your wife. You made me an adulterer. You didn’t even give me the choice.” I shook my head at the memory of it. “And I told her,” I swallowed, “I told her private things about us. Kat knew about you when we met, she knew the day you told me you loved me.” I let him see my anger, my pain. I let him see the betrayal I still felt. “I trusted you and you made damn sure of it. I begged you not to and you made a fucking fool out of me.”
His face twisted unbearably.
“I have to go.”
Max looked between us as Cameron took a step forward, “Abbie, I know you still love me, I know you do—”
My eyes drifted over to Max who stopped him. “Let her go, man.”
Cameron’s eyes turned to ice, his jaw ticking as Max did his best to keep him at bay. “Let her go.”
“Is that what you want?” Cameron said, his voice gravel as Max kept us separated. “You want me to let you go?”
“Get him home?” I asked Max and he nodded.
“Don’t do that,” Cameron snapped, his eyes volleying between us. “Abbie, I’m right fucking here, talk to me.”
“Thanks, Max,” I said grabbing my coat.
“Abbie,” Cameron tried again. I ripped my eyes away and walked out of the bar, splintered.
Outside, Terry opened the door as I glanced in the window of the pub and saw Cameron was still standing where I left him, his eyes penetrating through the glass between us as Max rapidly spoke to him. I saw it then, the break in him and nothing about it satisfied me.
Terry met me at the curb. “Abbie, if you need to stay we can reschedule.” I shook my head and slid into the car as he opened the door. Swallowing several times in attempt not to sob, I apologized on a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry.”
“You couldn’t help that any more than he could,” he said with reassurance. “I have to say, I’m curious about the prison.”
I looked over at him. “He was married. Is married. Separated.”
“Ah,” he said as the cab sped away from the curb, my soul freshly ripped, I spent several minutes inwardly gasping before I turned back to Terry.
“I’m mortified.”
“Again, Abbie, don’t be. I hope you two can work it out.”
“I’ll understand if you want to find someone else to fill the position. I can recommend several others well qualified that may be able to take the contract on short notice.”
“Totally unnecessary. I have no intention of replacing you. This meeting was just a formality since I was out of the office when my assistant hired you. This has no bearing on your employment.”
“Thank you.” It was all I could manage.
A few minutes later I was still at a loss for words, my chest screaming as I finally bled out.
“You know Abbie, when I met my wife, I was in the middle of my own divorce,” he said carefully. “I’d been married eight years to my college sweetheart,” he explained as I looked over at him. “It was different.”
“How was it different?”
He thought about it for a moment. “It was like I was two different men. I’m a bit of a believer we can’t evolve with those we start relationships with when we aren’t full bloom unless you are capable of growing together. It’s too hard to sustain a relationship when you’re changing and embracing it and your partner is intimidated by it. My ex-wife was. It’s what ended us. Sometimes you just have to accept defeat to figure out it’s the only way you can really get anywhere personally.”
Another strangling beat of silence as I pressed my fingers to my forehead, Cameron’s words ripping at my resolve.
Love me anyway.
“What will you do, Abbie?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I hope it works out. I remember feeling that helpless over a woman once.”
“What did you do?”
“I married her. We celebrate our fifteenth anniversary on Sunday.”