A thousand wicked thoughts flit through my mind and a searing pain resides in my chest. Some might call it guilt, but I’m not sure. Do I feel bad about what happened to the people that tried to ruin me and torture me? Absolutely not. But I don’t exactly feel good about it either. Have I become as bad as them? Am I a monster for the things I have done, for what I just witnessed? I swallow down hard, opening my mouth a little as I take in a huge breath.
“Hey, are you okay?” he whispers. His warm hand strokes my head lovingly, even if it does smell of gasoline. I shake my head, not really knowing how to answer him. I’m free, yet I feel so full of mixed emotions. “I know it’s a lot to take in, baby. I’m sorry you had to witness that back there. I sometimes forget you’re not like me.” He speaks quietly, the rest of the guys are in raucous chatter as excitement fills the van.
“What do you mean?” I ask, looking into his gorgeous eyes.
“You’re not a criminal like these guys. You haven’t seen the things we have, and I know just how shocking it can be to someone on the outside.”
“You always said I wasn’t like you but what if I am, Brax? What if I’m a murderer just like you and the other guys? Does that make me a bad person?”
“No way!”
“But I killed Jess and I very nearly killed Alvrez…”
He interrupts me, pressing his finger across my tear-soaked lips. “You did what you had to just to survive. You don’t hurt people for fun, baby, so don’t even compare yourself to those sick motherfuckers. They got exactly what they deserved. You don’t need to feel bad about that.”
“I guess so.” I reach under my eye, swiping away another fallen tear.
“It’s our time now, baby. You and me together. I’m never losing you again, got it?”
I smile genuinely for the first time in ages, leaning into his hand that caresses my cheek. “All I want to do is lie in your arms, Brax. Make me forget the memories, to feel something other than pain. You’re the only one that can do that, you’re the only one I want to do that.”
“I’ll do everything I can. Everything that needs to be done. Let’s get you home.” He smiles, placing his lips gently against my forehead. I stay like that the whole way back to his house. Encased in his arms, his head resting on the top of mine.
“This is us,” he whispers, slipping his arm out of my hold. He drops out of the van, offering his hand to help me. “Let me get you inside.”
I look up at the house I know; only it looks unfamiliar. “You did this?” I ask, nodding toward the high fence and gate that now surrounds the house.
“Just precautionary,” he answers with a shrug, turning to open the electric gate. Walking down the driveway, we make our way inside. “I need to speak with Nate.” His warm hand cups my cold face. “Tara is inside. She wanted to come with us, but I wasn’t willing to take her. It was a risk. Too much of a risk.”
“Why?” I whisper. “Why would she want to help you, but Carter didn’t?”
“I don’t know, baby. But none of that matters now. I have you back. That’s all that fucking matters to me.”
“I don’t trust Carter, which means I don’t trust her.” I slam my arms across my chest as I step through the door. A solemn-looking Tara stands in front of me. Her eyes look sad, even though she forces a smile. “Shit,” I grumble under my breath.
“You found her?” She smiles widely, stepping on her toes as she strains to look outside. “And the rest? Did everyone make it out?” Her words rush out and I look between Brax and Tara, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
“Yes,” he breathes. “Nate and the guys are fine. But listen.” He steps forward, brushing the top of her arm. “This is not a good idea, Tara. You don’t want to be part of their world. Not now, not ever. It’s dangerous. The lifestyle they live isn’t for you.”
She steps back, dropping her head, looking up at Brax sullenly. “I don’t have to listen to this,” she spits back at him, storming toward the door. “Oh,” she halts, turning and looking directly at me, “I’m glad they got you out of there, Isabelle.” Her smile widens and it feels genuine.
“Thank you,” I reply as I watch as her eyes shift from me to Brax and the smile suddenly fades as she starts to glare at him. With a snap of her head, she turns and sprints out of the door. I draw my eyebrows together confused at what just happened.
“I need to speak with the guys. You sit here,” he says taking my hand and leading me to the couch. “I’ll be right back.” He kneels down in front of me, pressing his soft lips against my dry cracked ones. I nod, reaching for the blanket resting over the back of the couch, pulling it over me as he races outside. I lean back into the couch, pulling the corner of the blanket and pressing it under my chin. It feels so good to finally have the warmth spread through my body. I rest my head back, closing my eyes, only the minute I do, the image of Alvrez appears in my mind. I snap my eyes back open, lifting my head and sucking in a breath, although it feels like I’m gasping, struggling to take in oxygen.
I thrash my head from side to side and even though I know he’s not here, I feel like I have to visually check. A stifled cry escapes me. The realization that the nightmares will never leave me. That I will never be able to close my eyes without thinking about him and the way he hurt me.
“What is it?” Brax runs over to me, slamming the door shut behind him. “What’s wrong?” His concerned eyes bore into me as he stares at me, waiting for me to answer. “Breathe, baby. Breathe,” he says calmly, kneeling down in front of me. His hands rest gently on my knee, the pad of his thumb working back and forth as he tries to soothe me.
“I’m sorry,” I say between breaths. “I’m just overwhelmed, scared, I don’t know, maybe a little fucked up.”
“Baby, you’ve been to hell and back. It’s okay to lose your shit. Just promise me one thing…”
“What?” I say with a sniffle.
“Don’t let the bad times consume you or define who you are. There is more to you than just nightmares, Izzy. I know it’s not going to be easy to forget. But we will try to push those memories away, make them fade. Like a scar. You know, like you know it’s there, a part of you but it fades so much that you don’t think about it anymore. Am I making sense?” He sighs a little, pushing his hands through his hair.
“I get it.” I smile back at the man kneeling in front of me. “For all the bad shit that happened to me, you are the one good constant thing in my life.”
“I’m not perfect.” He blows out a puff of air. “Far from it. But one thing I know is that my love for you is real.”
“Thank you,” I choke out, emotion thick in my voice. “It’s because of you I’m here. I’m alive.” Brax leans in pulling me close. I can’t force back the emotion any longer. I let it all out, every emotion I’ve tried to contain. I sob noisily against his shoulder, hoping it will somehow help. My tears soak his top and I pull back to look my savior in the eye.
Capturing his face in my hands, I pull his lips to mine. I press featherlight kisses against his lips, tears still pouring down my face. “Without you, I have nothing, Brax. You are my everything. Promise me forever. I need to know that together we can make it.”
“Of course,” he says with absolute determination.
I pull back a little, allowing my hands to drop from his face. “What’s the deal with you and Tara?” I ask cautiously, my eyes never leaving his as I wait for him to answer.
“We don’t need to talk about this now,” he says, pushing himself up and walking away from the couch. “You should drink something. Get some fucking food inside of you.”
I step up from the couch, following him into the kitchen. “Please don’t do this, Brax. I need you to be completely honest with me. What happened before was kinda weird.”
“It’s hard,” he snaps. “I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but you’d been gone for years, Izzy. I didn’t know whether I’d ever see you again.” He rests his hands on the countertop and my heart pounds, scared to hear the truth from him.
“So, you two had a… thing?”
He rolls his eyes, letting out a heavy breath. “She was in trouble. One of the Savages tried to rape her at a party. I caught the sick fuck and blew his brains out. Carter took care of the body and I took care of the girl. Shit happened between us that should never have happened and you gotta believe me when I say I regretted it immediately. But, fuck, I was trying to live a normal life without you. Whether I wanted to or not.”
“So you have feelings for her?” I ask, wrapping my arms across my chest as I suddenly feel completely and utterly vulnerable. I should’ve known he would have a life without me. No man would wait indefinitely when he thought the girl he had a connection with left of her own accord, or at least that’s what my father made me say, that’s what he wanted people to believe.
“No way. No fucking way, Izzy. You have to believe that you were the only girl I’ve ever had feelings for that were true. I can’t deny that I’m a fucking man with sexual desires. But that’s all it was. It all happened before I found you again. We are friends now. Nothing more than just friends.” He turns to the coffee machine, pouring me a cup and holding it out for me to take. “I tried to make the most of the life I had without you. Doesn’t mean I was happy.”
“You have every right to be happy, Brax. With or without me.” I take the warm cup, holding it to my aching heart. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess right now. You don’t need to deal with me.” I drop my head, turning to make my way up the stairs.
“Stop,” he roars. “Don’t walk away from me, Isabelle. Please. I fought for you, for us.”
“I fought for you too. Even when I thought you were dead. When they dragged me away from your body and you were covered in blood. So much blood.”
Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulls my back against his chest. Swiping my hair away, he exposes my neck. His warm breath is like a comfort to me. “She’s infatuated with the Savage, you know, Nate.”
“Really?”
“Hmmm,” he hums against me and a contented warmth spreads through my fragile body.
“Carter won’t allow it. Damn, her whole family will kill him first.”
“That’s so sad,” I say resting my arm over Brax’s. A yawn escapes me, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Baby, you should rest. Let me take you upstairs. Help you shower, hold you until you fall asleep.” I spin in his arms, turning and facing this brute-like man. Wrapping my free arm around his neck, I say, “I’d love that.” A smile stretches across my face. Reaching down, he places his hands behind my legs, sweeping me up off my feet. I let out a little squeal and try to hold the coffee cup still, hoping that it hasn’t spilled.
“My coffee,” I grumble as I try to steady the cup.
“I’ll give you more. Fuck, you can have all the coffee in the world. Whatever it takes to make you happy.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper, almost speaking my internal thoughts out loud.
“No, you deserve so much more.”
* * *
My quivering hand doesn’t help as I try to get myself into the shower. I shake all over, desperate to feel the warmth of the water. Standing under the stream, I tip back my head; the warmth feels heavenly against my ice-cold skin.
“Mind if I join you?” Brax asks, his head appearing around the curtain. I jump a little at the unexpectedness, but smile as soon as I see his handsome, chiseled face.
“I’d love that,” I say biting the corner of my lip and holding out my hand to him. He takes it, stepping inside and closing the space between us. I step back until I’m touching the tiles behind me. I grab the bar of soap and cloth from the side, lathering it up and pressing it against his chest. “How did you get so buff?” I say with a giggle, realizing the boy’s body I once admired doesn’t even compare to his physique now. My line of sight falls to the wound just below his chest. “Shit, Brax. How bad was it?” I look up at him, blinking down against the stream of water.
“It’s fine. I mean, recovery was tough and I was so pissed off, because until I was strong again, there wasn’t anything I could do. Carter refused to send men to get you and even cancelled the men I’d scheduled to work with me today.”
“Why? Why would he do that?” I asked, puzzled by his suddenly standoffish behavior. It was no surprise that I was suspicious of Carter, but he got me believing that he had good intentions. He’d been such a rock for Brax that I thought maybe what had happened to me just naturally made me suspicious of everyone. But now, I’m thinking it has to be much more than just a coincidence.
“It’s a conversation that needs to be had,” he says with harshness to his voice.
I continue to work the cloth over his body, suds run down his impressive stature. I make my way up his neck and over his face. At the sight of blood spray, I recoil, a flash of what happened springs to the forefront of my mind. Dropping my hand, I move quickly, shuddering as I try to fight back the memories.
“Your turn,” he says, covering my hand with his own. I release the cloth and rest my hand flat on his chest. His heart thuds against my hand and I stand back a little, watching his reaction as he washes my body. His green eyes darken as he does, and I look up to meet his eyes. I watch as he clenches his teeth together, his jaw tightening.
“I hate seeing what they did to you.”
“I’m okay,” I murmur the lie.
“Turn around,” he commands, and I do it without hesitation. I shudder as the cloth works over my back and down to my ass. My insides clench as I yearn for his touch. But I know it’s too soon. As much as I want him, I need to clear the demons from my mind.
He squats down behind me, working the soapy cloth over my legs and back up again. Goose bumps cover my body, and although what he’s doing isn’t sexual, it’s one of the most sensual things I have ever felt. Dropping the cloth, he spins me around, wrapping his strong arms around my weak waist. Pulling me up, he kisses me intensely. It’s possessive, yet sweet and soft. I wrap my legs around his waist while he continues to hold me and own me right here, in the shower. His tongue ventures gently into my mouth and I eagerly allow him access, desperate to deepen the kiss. Soft moans escape him, a sound I’ve never heard from him before. He reaches behind me, shutting off the water and stepping out of the shower, but never once loses contact. Grabbing a towel, he places it around us as he continues to work his supple lips against mine. Excitement grows between my legs as my body gives evidence of my anticipation. I tense up, trying to stem the throbbing, but it doesn’t work. Something about the way he kisses me ignites a fire inside my belly. A feeling I have only ever had with Brax. I close my eyes, losing myself to this man who holds my heart so preciously in his hands. I yelp with the sudden feeling of falling, my eyes flying open to see that I’m lying on the bed, Brax leaning over me.
“Shit. The bed, Brax. I’m getting water everywhere.”
“I don’t care.” He drops down on the bed beside me, covering me with the towel “All I want to do is hold you close. Just you and me.” He pulls me into him and I relax against his hold. My hand slides up his shoulder and I rest it there, using my finger to draw circles against his skin. He lets out a little moan, his eyes closing as our bodies mold together as one, like we are the perfect fit.
“You did that to me the first time we ever met. Remember?”
“As if I could forget. You were such a stubborn, stupid boy.”
“And you were a know-it-all bossy brat,” he says, sticking out his tongue. “But it soothed me. The way the soft skin on your finger swirled against my clammy skin. It all helped to keep me calm.”
“I’m scared to close my eyes, Brax,” I blurt out, suddenly admitting how scared I am that the nightmares will play over and over in my mind as I try to sleep. “After Jess,” I say, widening my eyes so I don’t have to say the actual words. “Well, they locked me in this room he called the pain room. They had preserved body parts from his other victims, torture instruments lined the walls. But that wasn’t the worst thing…”
Brax adjusts himself, resting his head on his hand propped up against the pillow. A choked gasp breaks the silence in the room, Brax’s hand reaching up to wipe away the tears that fall silently over my face. “I was in there for days. They played recordings of him torturing his other victims, over and over.” I swallow down the lump of emotion that has formed in my throat. “I can’t get the screams and sounds out of my mind.”
“Baby, come here,” he says, cupping the back of my neck, pulling me into his embrace. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that happened to you. I swear, if there was anything I could do to take it away, then I’d do it.” I feel his body tighten and I know he hates seeing me like this. I pull back, searching his eyes for something, but all I see is the glazed look in his eyes. The anger that consumes him as he stares into space.
“There isn’t anything that can turn back the clock. I have to deal with my demons. I have to hope that time is a healer.”
“I still can’t help but feel responsible. I was stupid, careless to just let those fuckers walk in here and take you again. What would’ve happened if I didn’t make it? You’d have been left there to suffer that sick fucker’s torture.” His jaw tenses and his nostrils flare ever so slightly. I can see the anger in his eyes.
“Don’t,” I plead with him, lacing my fingers through his wet hair. “No amount of what-ifs can reverse what happened. All we can do is think smart now, work together to ensure that nothing ever separates us again.”
“You’re right, you’re always right,” he chuckles, relaxing into me once again. I need to be careful what I say to him. I see the anger when I describe how things were for me with Alvrez. And it scares me. I mean, he doesn’t scare me. I know he’d never do anything to hurt me, but his anger has the ability to cause damage, and that worries me. I don’t want to put him on self-destruct mode. He may be able to cause damage, harming people without a second’s thought, but with me, he’s the real Brax. He’s gentle, caring, and protective.
I lie in his arms, feeling the way I’d only dreamed about during my time as a captive. I drop my eyes to focus on Brax. His eyes are closed and I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face. I thought for so long that there was a chance he could be dead. I mourned for him, praying that there would be some miracle that made it nothing but a bad dream. And here I am. Despite everything, I’m the lucky one.
I’m the one that got away.
And with that thought dawns a realization that I’m not a weak, pathetic girl anymore.
I can be strong when I need to.
I can fight back when needed.
I’m not going to be a victim anymore. No, I will fight anyone who stands in the way of us. Our perfect love. Our unbreakable connection. We are two broken pieces that fit so perfectly together to make the most amazing, perfect whole.